Ghost-Gazette

The Ghostly Side of Pittsburgh

[ghostgazette]

Ghost Ball Championships - Day 1 Results

Day one of the Amateur Ghost Ball Championships has finished up with an unusual three-team tie. After spooking around Pittsburgh, the Gangly Ghosts, Bubbling Bullies, and the Scary Stalkers are tied for first as they've all gathered three ghost balls around the city. The Petrified Peacocks are in last place, making zero progress.

Most Ghost Ball Championships competitions are complete blow-outs. Once one team finds a ghost ball, the inertia and momentum from their win sucks the souls out of the competitors. "Most ghosts just give up," the program director, Ricky Malwork said. "It's a somewhat new sport, and ghosts aren't used to competing with one another. Usually ghosts haunt on a specific territory, but these young ghosts are breaking down the barriers. It's an awkward time to be a ghost, that's for sure."

These young amateur competitors are antsy to win. "We want the fame, the notoriety," one competitor said. "An all-access pass to one of the most historic haunted house doesn't hurt either."

In year's past the Amateur Ghost Ball Championships haven't given out prizes. The prize was "the respect and a high-five" from ghosts. This is the first year a prize has been offered, and it seems like it's lit a fire under the cauldron. 

As we move into day two, look forward to more coverage of the 2013 Amateur Ghost Ball Championships.

[ghostgazette]

Pittsburgh Hosts 2013 Amateur Ghost Ball Championships

Pittsburgh will be hosting the 2013 Ghost Ball Championships. Against its will. Mayor Luke Ravenstahl may have accidentally promised "demons" from a "different realm" that Pittsburgh would happily host the 2013 Ghost Ball Championships.

"Well, I thought they'd forget by now," Luke said during a press conference, in-between belches. "Sorry, I had a hoagie earlier and boy is it antsy to get out of my stomach. Hey, let's talk about hoagies instead of this whole 'ghost debacle'?"

As the mayor rambled about hoagies/subs/grinders, we spoke with the program director of this year's Ghost Ball Championships, Ricky Malwork. "The Ghost Ball Championships are shaping up to be pretty dope this year," Makwork said. "Last year we were in Transylvania, which was a bit dismal. The crowd was belligerent. No one is really into ghost ball over there." We'll find out if Pittsburghers are open to ghost ball when the tournament starts tomorrow. 

What is The Amateur Ghost Ball Tournament?

The Amateur Ghost Ball Tournament brings together the finest amateur ghost ball players in the universe. These ghostletes aren't paid a living wage, but play the sport because its their passion. The moment they accept payment they're booted from amateur status.

Ghost ball is a game where a lead ghost hides a ball somewhere in a city. The ghosts must possess citizens, sneak around town, and eavesdrop to find out where the ghost ball is. Of course, the ghost ball causes citizens to act strangely which gives the ghosts a good clue of were to look. 

Mayor Luke Ravenstahl has agreed to change his last name to Mayor Luke Ghostenstahl during the Amateur Ghost Ball Championships.

Stay tuned for more ghost ball coverage.

[ghostgazette]

7 Ghosts Awarded Ghost of Honor Award During Environmental Protest

Yesterday, 7 ghosts marched down the Golden Triangle with boisterous signs, a megaphone constructed from large, discarded, femurs, and the intent to bring attention to the fracking happening north of the city. 

This was the same fracking that unleashed all of the ghosts onto Pittsburgh last year around this time.

These 7 ghosts held up large anti-drilling signs in hopes that the non-ghosts would give up on excavating the shale and they could return home for a spell. 

"We haven't slept well in a year," the leader of the protest, Hank, said. "The apartments in Pittsburgh are just too small, too new. We need large caverns to really feel at home. We need our shale back."

At first the ghosts were excited to be free from their burial ground. But as their vacation extended longer than the Pirate's baseball season they became bored with the Pittsburgh landscape. Then Kennywood closed for the year and it was too cold to visit Sandcastle. What were the ghosts to do?

"Stop the drilling so we can sleep! We just want to count some spooky sheep!" Cherl, a ghost protestor, moaned into the microphone. "We wanna go home!"

Upon entering the Golden Triangle, the seven ghosts drew a crowd. From zombies, to humans, to werewolves. The crowd swelled until it was larger than, oh, a large rubber duck, perhaps.

"Stop Fracking the Frack out of our home!" the crowd shouted. They continued to shout this until Allegheny County Executive, Rich Fitzgerald, poked his head out of the top of the courthouse and shouted, "Alright, let's chit-chat!" Then, as though the 7 ghosts were being chased by a power-pellet fueled Pac-Man, they sprinted to the court house.

There, Fitzgerald awarded them "best protestors of the year" as a temporary peace offering. The 7 ghosts were thrilled at the prospect and decided to post-pone part two of the protest: a pierogi light vigil along Grant Street.

If anyone has some free time to keep the ghosts occupied and entertained, please contact Rich Fitzgerald.

Additional reporting by Molly Born.

[ghostgazette]

UPMC Admits They Employ Only Ghosts

On Monday, UPMC began contesting its tax-empt status in court in front of many perplexed Pittsburgh Citizens. For years, The judge, R. Stanton Wettick Jr. began the dissecting what in the world UMPC thought it was doing by asking if they had any employees.

William Pietragallo, the attorney representing UPMC responded (complete with a pizza-eating grin on his face).

"We don't have employees," Mr. Pietragallo chuckled.

Pietragallo continued, "UPMC hasn't employed anyone in decades. In fact, our entire facilities are run by ghosts. Powered by banshee screams. Built by the raw and battered hands of Frankenstein's monsters. There's not a single breathing human on the payroll of UPMC. Have you ever seen Monsters Inc? It's a lot like that." 

Pietragallo began cackling, like a villain from one of those 80's movie.

The judge's skin went a bit white, shocked at this explanation. "Can you elaborate?" he asked. The judge did not believe in ghosts, after all. 

"Of course," Pietragallo gathered himself. His suit neatly pressed, and, if you looked close enough some say you could see a bit of sinew and ash smoldering on his shoulders. "You can't pay employment taxes unless you have employees,"

As of press time, we've learned that UPMC employes at least 55,000 ghouls in its facilities. These ghosts work in the cafeteria, take care of children, haunt abandoned buildings, and escort people to the light on a regular basis. 

This strategy of employing spirits is a loop hole that UPMC thought up years ago in hopes of remaining a charitable organization. At the time, they were meeting with the Ghost Union to work out an employment contract—as it turns out ghosts have no need for cash and are paid in packets of blood and other hazardous items.

"It's been a boon for our waste disposal," Pietragallo said. 

Read more about UPMC not employing humans at the Post-Gazette, via Moriah Balingit.

[ghostgazette]

Edgar Allan Poe Performs at Half-Time of Steelers Ravens Game

Sunday evening during the Pittsburgh Steeler's football event, Edgar Allen Poe was summoned to the center of Heinz Field to perform for the sell-out crowd of steel workers and ketchup enthusiasts. 

Poe was brought to life via a stunning seance that involved the leading ghost experts in the Pittsburgh area. Leading the seance was Poe and ghost expert Alfred Serling—the same Alfred Serling that brought back Potato Pete for the Great Pierogie Race in 2010. Serling got to work a bit before half-time and had Poe stumbling into the center of Heinz Field in no time.

"It was quite easy," Serling said, "I had one of his quills, a spot of blood, and a tell-tale taco. Poe was drawn to our plane of existence by the scent of seasoned beef. He claims you can't get tacos wherever he currently resides."

Poe performed a version of the Steelers Fight Song, but with a zombified twist. Using his spooky powers, Poe was able to summon the Steelers of the past. At one point, 13 Steelers from the early 1900's were holding hands, chanting:

We're from the town with that spooky football team / We cheer the Pittsburgh zombies / Chuck Noll and all his friends  - we're waiting for you / Go out and get them Steelers

Poe then vanished when this was all over, leaving the Pittsburgh citizens dazzled, but satisfied. 

[ghostgazette]

Ghosts Resurrect Petition to Keep Rubber Duck in Pittsburgh

Yesterday we reported that the duck quacking along Point State Park in Downtown Pittsburgh was a ruse from the ghost community. Today, after word got out that the duck was going to be summoned back by its creator (a warlock), a petition was started by the ghost community.

While there's already a strong ghost presence in Pittsburgh, every October ghosts flock to Pittsburgh to haunt sandwiches, cause plenty of traffic jams, and pay their respect to Mr.Rogers.

This year, a group of ghosts used the large rubber duck to penetrate the Pittsburgh region. After years of ghost scandals and reinforcing the stigma that ghosts are "too spooky," they decided they would hide inside a large rubber duck to avoid a PR nightmare.

"Most Octobers, ghosts float to Pittsburgh like it's a Kenny Chesney concert," A resident ghosts, Harold, said. "They come to Pittsburgh, make a mess, and leave the OG (Original Ghosts) citizens to clean things up. It's exhausting and terrible for our image. Not to mention the damage it does to the meek ghost community, Ghostburghers."

Hence the duck disguise.

"It's like the one month we can just be classic ghosts," captain of the rubber duck siege groaned. "Where else can go camping in a tunnel one weekend and chill with the Steel Phantom the next? Dude throws the best parties."

To this end the ghost community have started a petition to trick the citizens of Pittsburgh into the keeping the duck around town longer. We'll update this story as it develops.

Read more about that over at the Post-Gazette.

[ghostgazette]

Movie Theater in Pittsburgh Turning into Abandoned Warehouse

A Kickstarter was started last week to turn a cinema on Butler Street in Lawrenceville into a Warehouse for ghost and other ghouls to hang out. 

Olders, the leader of this initiative, groans on and on about what Butler St has. An abandoned arcade. A rusty dumpster. Three prohibition era bars. But, no cinemas.

"Where do people go to play classic games like Spin the Femur? Or 7 minutes in the mortal world?" Olders asks. Ghosts these day need a place to socialize and spook around.

Olders' Kickstarter is asking for $100,000 to buy the current Row House Cinema and turn it into an abandoned warehouse. Taken from the Kickstarter:

"Unlike other warehouses, we'll let the cobwebs gather manually. Meaning this Warehouse, if the goal is met, won't be ready until 2016, depending how the spider mating season goes. We're excited to destroy this building so that the hip young ghost flooding into this area will have a place to hang out. We'll leave the draft house below intact."

The Kickstarter is well on its way to being funded. If you contribute you can have a chance to having a sledgehammer named after you or even have the opportunity to destroy a few beams.

"We think it will be magical," Mr. Mendelssohn said. Read more at the Post-Gazette.

[ghostgazette]

Pittsburgh Rubber Duck A Trojan Horse for Ghosts

As the moon rises and falls on Pittsburgh and its three glorious rivers, there's no doubt there's a spooky smog entering Pittsburgh this October. Last year around this time, it was discovered that the Marcellus Shale was filled to the brim with ghosts. This year, it looks like the Rubber Duck will deliver ghosts into Pittsburgh's spooky triangle.

"I reckon I saw its eyes glowing all red and creepy," Johnson, a duck guard, said. Johnson was too busy yelling at kayakers to comment more.

Other citizens have mentioned noticing paranormal activity happening around the Rubber Duck. Such as:

Seeing ghostly baby ducks quacking behind the rubber duck, then vanishing in the morning fog.

The mysterious scent of fried pierogi radiating from the duck.

The water around the duck turning a ketchup red.

The Ghost-Gazette was tipped off earlier this morning by one of our creepy contributors. We're not at liberty to reveal our sources.

As the Rubber Duck is one of the largest creatures to visit Pittsburgh (besides the Good Year blimp) there's no precedence that it is harboring hundreds of ghouls. 

We'll put our finest reporter on the duck beat and update this story whenever we find out more about the spooky Rubber Duck.

[ghostgazette]

Third-Quarter loss forecast for Allegheny Ghost Technology

Allegheny Ghost Technologies said Monday that it expects their ghostly initiatives are stuck in the mud, and they'll have to sell off their Ghost Phones and Ghosterwaves department. 

The Pittsburgh ghost developer will be reporting results on October 23, but they're warning citizens ahead of time because it's unusually spooky this year.

"Our Ghost Phones just aren't selling this year," president and CEO Rich Harshman moaned in a statement. "Telepathy and LCD screens are all the rage this era. We're stuck in the medieval times over here. Like a bunch of werewolves."

While Allegheny Ghost Technologies is reporting results as atrocious as Dracuala's overbite, they're confident that they'll see a few profits in the next quarter. 

They've teamed up with Dyson to make a vacuum cleaner that doesn't suck up ghosts, and Ghoasters that specialize in cooking bagels on one side only (so that they're crispy on the outside and soft on the inside).

More info about the Allegheny Ghost Technologies here.

[ghostgazette]

Ghosts in Monroeville Mall "stressed, irritated" by resurgence of zombie interests

The Monroeville Mall, which was once a bustling hive of commercialism and material goods, has fallen out of favor for shinier, more metallic pastures. Something had to fill that shopping vacuums and that something were ghosts. Ghosts took to the dilapidated Monroeville Mall to bring shops back from the dead: Horne's, Electronic's Boutique, KB Toys, Kaufmann's, and Spencer's Gifts.  Yet, with the recent surge of zombie interest, more and more folks are stumbling back to the Monroeville Mall and annoying the ghost inhabitants.

"We were fine for 30 years," Martin M. Blood, ghost-manager of the Monroeville Mall. "Now we've had to change the hours we're open because it's all 'Romero this' and 'Zombies that.'"

Blood has been running a tight ship and despite a topsy-turvy economy, the Monroeville Mall has been thriving. "Our best stores don't even cater to humans," Blood said referring to Ghosts R' Us and Ghosts in Barrels. 

Blood hopes to work something out with zombie enthusiasts so that the peace is kept. Ideas tossed around have been turning the Monroeville Mall into a co-produced haunted house with all funds going to the undertaker of choice. 

Thanks to Pittsburgh is Beautiful for the tip.

[ghostgazette]

"A roundabout? This better not be the first steps to removing the tunnel monster. He'll be pissed if he finds out."

The guy who feeds the tunnel monster in response to Jon Schmitz, Post-Gazette's transportations writer, proposing a roundabout. 

[ghostgazette]

Ghosts haze workers that dress in costume today

On Halloween it's tradition for office workers to donate $5 to Unicef for the privilege of dressing up like an Angry Bird, obscure Star Wars characters, and ghosts to celebrate Halloween. With the influx of ghouls into Pittsburgh, many office workers are facing stone-cold hazing and torment from angry ghosts. 

"They're making a mockery of us and our lifestyle," Philip K. Ghoul said in between making Primanti's Brother sandwiches for hungover customers. "We're doing our best to integrate ourselves with society and they, those people with their blood and guts, go and dress up like us? Way to set us back thousands of years."

Office workers are filing a number of complaints with police:

Being poked with the devil's trident

Being hit in the face with a ghostly pie

Getting pants-ed

Cursed with bad breath (this may not be ghost related, but is a common complaint)

Intense IBS

Low pay

As the Office of Zombie Mayor Ravenstahl said yesterday, there's not much that can be done about ghosts mucking up the lives of living breathing people. "Our workers are sluggish, irritable, and cranky," a HR representative of Heinz said. "Everyone that has dressed up like a ketchup bottle or mustard now reeks of their respective product. The walls are bleeding ketchup and you don't even want to know what happened when the elevators opened on the first floor. We'll be cleaning that up for weeks!"

The destruction and carnage caused by ghosts is estimated to cost the city upwards of $50,000 in damages. Some citizens have escaped hazing by simply removing their costume and not dressing up to work at Halloween. 

As humans and ghouls continue to integrate brace yourself for more growing pains. 

[ghostgazette]

This is a real story running in the Post-Gazette. As evidenced by the existence of the Ghost-Gazette, there is paranormal activity everywhere. 

[ghostgazette]

Letter to the Editor - Who Ghosts the Ghostmen?

I am increasingly concerned with the power that Ghosts have in our community. Just the other day I was showering and a Ghost floated right on in, without my permission. I threw my bar of soap, but it just went right through him! Zombie Mayor Ravenstahl must act now before it's too late.

Signed,

Who Ghosts the Ghostmen?

Hi Who Ghosts the Ghostmen, 

Thanks for the letter. Your concern is one that is echoed across the community of ghouls and yinzers. Truth be told, years ago there would be a simple solution to this. In the modern society there's not much to do about ghosts, witches, goblins, zombies, vampires, and other specters gallivanting around town. We reached out to Zombie Mayor Ravenstahl and his office replied with this can-of-worms response:

Dear Ghost-Gazette,

Thanks for the letter. Your concern is one that is echoed across the community of runners, business folk, police women and men, and restaurant owners. Years ago we would've contained each species in separate containers, but we now understand that humans and ghouls are meant to be in harmony. Why else would a ghost fly into your bathroom? Or why would a zombie be in charge of an entire city? It's because the people (humans and ghouls) demanded it. Zombie Mayor Ravenstahl will do nothing to segregate ghosts. If you don't like it, please vacate the city and move out to a graveyard, under a bridge, or into the suburbs with the docile zombies.

Signed,

The Office of Zombie Mayor Ravenstahl

-Quoth the Ravenstahl, Nevermore

[ghostgazette]

Therapy Dogs Have Been Brought in to Aid in Ghost Recovery

Pittsburgh's ghost population has been growing like a cancer the past few days, and the recent Marcellus Shale incident hasn't helped. Citizens are worried that their rights will be revoked and that, like a zombie plague, their government will be taken over by ghouls. As if the current regime wasn't ghoulish enough?

To cope with the rise of ghouls, therapeutic dogs have been mushed in to comfort cowering residents and quell anxiety. The dogs will be available at local libraries as well as abandoned amusement parks, dilapidated buildings in the Strip District, and foggy boats. "We won't be able to combat these ghosts while we're stressed out," a spokesman for the dogs said. "Unfortunately, we're going to need more snacks to feed these hounds. It's awful how easily these pups are frightened." 

If you encounter a ghost and need the assistance of a therapy dog, you are advised to do the following:

Shout 'Yoinks'

Run to the nearest dog station

Consume a foot long hoagie

Thanks to popczar for sending in this tip.

[ghostgazette]

Happy Thanksgiving!

Zombie Mayor Ravenstahl who has, unfortunately, succumbed to eating his own brain.

[ghostgazette]

Pittsburgh's Ghost Council Meeting, Proposes Breathing Tax

Pittsburgh's Ghost Council met today, despite their human counterparts opting to stay home due to the terrible storm. The ghost council, being ghosts and having nothing to fear, met in the basement of the council building to pen a tax on breathing as well as billboards. 

The 13 members of the Ghost Council congregated in the creaky basement enjoying the sound of dripping water, moaning wind, and the occasional guillotine dropping that kept track of passing time. Together, the Ghost Council wrote up a bill to begin taxing the breath of their living peers. 

We, the Ghost Council, propose a tax on those that require the use of lungs and drain the wonderful Pittsburgh air for their own. It's not fair that our trees and agriculture have to work overtime because humans need to exercise, hyper ventilate, breath casually, and infuse their blood with O2. Trees have not been properly compensated and are beginning to rot in revolt. Additionally, ghosts don't breathe and it's unfair. We should also tax billboards because that seems like a no brainer (and technically we, the Ghost Council) have no brain.

The bill will be brought up in the next Pittsburgh City Council meeting on November 13 at 1 p.m.