Hello, it's Ghost, your passive-aggressive, angsty goddess bitch. I've been told I'm a monster so proceed with caution cause my ability to care died this year. I'm just going to be a ghost waving in the breeze.
Anyway
Welcome To The Monsters In My Head.
I am 27 and my Scorpio ass will probably forget to update this so just know I am old and getting more delusional every day. I am married to @justanotherboundlesssoul. We met over Tumblr on this blog. Wild I know.
My hyperfixations are fleeting, but my love for Tumblr seems to be never-ending. I write for Abbot Elementary, SVU, Criminal Minds, 9-1-1, Orrange Is The New Black, Star Trek and Chessy. I am also working on a lot of personal writing projects that I will mention here. Please check my request guidelines before yours gets thrown into the internet trash, never to be seen again.
Most of my work is ANGSTY AF. It's dark and twisty just like my soul. I admit to being an Angsty Goddess, but sometimes I do write some fluff. Even Smut. All of them will be marked accordingly, so minors find your way out of the smut and to safer pastures. Also, I swear a shit ton. I apologize for nothing, so if it bothers you, scroll on. Again, my empathy is shattered and a replacement got lost in the underworld.
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Summary: Small snippets of parenting time with Amari.
Warnings: None
A/N: I rewrote a part of Baby I Got You for this. Think of this series as the extended version of that.
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Melissa and Amari fall into an easy routine in the days that follow court. It isnât until the first parenting time that there seems to be a shift in the little girl that Melissa has grown to know. When the parenting time is confirmed, Melissa canât exactly tell if Amari is excited or nervous.
The little girl vibrates in her seat on the way to the agency, clutching the small Stitch stuffed animal they finally settled on for the car trip. She tells Melissa everything she remembers about her mother and all the fun times they had together. It shouldnât make Melissaâs heart ache the way it does, but she attempts to smile and laugh in all the right places.Â
When they arrive, Charlie is already outside waiting for them. She comes to Melissaâs window with an envelope in her hand. Charlie hands it over to Melissa with a small explanation.Â
âI made a little sheet for you to fill out for any behaviors that you may see in Amari after parenting time. It starts from the moment she gets back in the car, probably for a day or two at most. I already sent Nakeisha over the list to make sure she keeps an eye on it during daycare.â
Melissa looks at her with a raised eyebrow. âWhat behaviors should I be looking for?â
âYouâll know it when you see it,â Charlie replies ominously before looking back at Amari. âAlright, Mari, you ready to go say hi to Ms. Becky before we see your mom?â
From the backseat, Amari shakes her head excitedly. Melissa watches the young girl disappear into the building with Charlie before letting out a breath she didnât realize that she had been holding. Something about what Charlie said didnât sit right with her. If parenting time was supposed to help build the connection between Amari and her mother, why did it seem like this sheet was going to describe the exact opposite?Â
She didnât try to dwell on it too much, opting to go to a park that was a couple of miles up the road. She didnât see the sense in going back home when she would need to be back in two hours, so she had brought a couple of things to keep her entertained. There was her grading of course, but her mind was too distracted to think about Peter Rabbit and lesson plans. Instead, she settled for a new sapphic romance novel she had been reading. She would never admit it, but she had picked it up purely because the woman on the cover reminded her of Barbara.Â
Two hours when she picked up Amari she prepared for the worst. Instead the entire time she drove home she listened to Amari talk excitedly about her mother and the things that she had been promised. It took everything in Melissa to not gently remind Amari that she didnât think Disney land next month was something that she saw happening. The red head just let the little girl dream about seeing Stitch.Â
Which was fine until two hours later when Amari had a nightmare. Melissa wasnât woken up by the little girl gently telling her that she had an accident. No this nightmare came with screams so loud that Melissa fell out of bed in fright.Â
She ran into Amariâs room to find the little girl sobbing in her bed completely soaked from an accident. It took hours to clean and calm Amari down. The little girl couldnât put into words exactly what was wrong but was terrified to have Melissa out of her sight for more than a couple of seconds at a time. So they spent the night back and forth between the laundry room washing Amariâs favorite stuffed animals until they both finally gave into exhaustion and fell asleep watching movies on the couch.Â
-~-
A week later, Melissa was behind on life when it came to parenting time. A part of her wished that the mom wouldnât confirm, so she could have uninterrupted time to do what needed to get done. Which then made her feel horrible because Amari had been talking excitedly about another chance to see her mom for days now. So she did her best not to seem annoyed when Charlie came to take Amari away for the meeting.Â
She didnât linger this time when Amari and Charlie went inside. She peels out of the parking lot and heads to the grocery store. Just as she is pulling out her list a familiar voice calls out to her. She turns to see Barbara smiling at her with her own cart already full of items.Â
âWhere is our girl?â Barbara asks when she walks closer.Â
Melissa still feels her heart flutter every time that Barbara refers to Amari as theirs. âShe is at a parenting time today.â
Barbara doesnât ask any follow up questions which Melissa is grateful for. She doesnât think that she can hide her annoyance about the whole situation in front of Barbara. Instead her work wife asks. âWell you think that you could use some company?â
Melissa smiles when she tells Barb that she would love some company. They walk through the aisle getting things off their respective lists. Occasionally the redhead will look over and see Barb adding small little treats to her cart. Melissa doesnât know what they are for until they check out and the older woman hands her two full bags.Â
âOne bag is your snacks. The other is for baby girl when she gets home.â
The simple explanation makes Melissa want to cry. She never had someone do these tiny little acts of love, and yet here Barbara was doing meaningless little errands with her but also remembering that her favorite treats are chocolate-covered salted caramel bites.Â
It turns out that this is a helpful thing to have later when Amari comes out of parenting time in a rage that Melissa has never seen before. Charlie explains that her mom was in a mood and it appears it has rubbed off on Amari as well. The entire way home Amari doesnât speak to Melissa or even look at her. Melissa tries to brush it off but she has to admit that it hurts.Â
She even tries to help lighten the mood with the snacks Barbara has offered but Amari refuses. She stomps up the porch steps and then slams the door to her bedroom. Melissa takes a deep breath to keep from screaming and then goes to hide in her own room with the container of chocolates keeping her company while she tries to cry quietly.Â
Amari doesnât crawl in her bed that night which only adds to the loneliness that Melissa feels. The following morning on her lunch break Melissa is met with a slew of text messages from Nakeisha making her aware that Amari had punched another girl. She had been put in time out but it was stressed that Melissa should talk to Amari later that evening and to tell Charlie exactly what happened.Â
The talk with Amari doesnât go as plan. Instead it ends up with Amari yelling at Melissa.Â
âYou ainât my mom! My mom told me to never let a hoe steal from me. She took my toy so I fought back.â
Melissa is so stunned she doesnât know what to say at first. She doesnât know what bothers her more: the reminder that she isnât Amariâs mother or the fact that she just heard the little girl say hoe. So instead she settles for the only thing she can think of at the moment.Â
âGo to your room.â
Itâs four simple words but they come out with a harsh bitterness and Amari visibly shrinks. She doesn't argue, just stares at Melissaâs angry face for one more second before she disappears into her room with a soft click. It instantly makes the red head feel horrible but she doesn't change her mind. Amari had been wrong to hit that little girl and this time out would give her time to think.Â
Melissa meanwhile sits in her room finishing off the last of her chocolate while she cries. It is when she gets to the bottom of the container she wonders if this is what real moms feel like when they have to punish their child. Then she remembers what Amari said and is in tears all over again for loving a child that could never be hers in the first place.
She is about to cry herself to sleep when there is a small knock on the door. She wipes her eyes before calling Amari in. The small child looks worse than she does with puffy eyes, wet collar of her shirt, and three pieces of paper in her hand.
âI'm⌠I'm sorry MâŚmâŚMelissa,â she stutters her hands shaking as she holds out the three pieces of paper. Each is a different picture Amari drew with the word sorry spelled soory. âI made one for youâŚMiss. Keisha⌠and for Opal.â
Melissa stares at the one that is clearly meant for her. Amari and her are on the cover with triangle dresses holding hands.Â
When she stares too long Amari asks, âAre you still mad?â
Melissa puts the papers on her bedside table. âNo, not anymore.â
âDid I make you cry?â Amari asks fidgeting with her pajamas.
For a moment, the redhead debates lying, but she knows her eyes are bloodshot, cheeks drenched in tears, and more than a couple of black streaks of leftover mascara dripping down her face. So she settles for a solution.
âSometimes we make people cry, but if we apologize we make it better. You apologized so I already feel better.â
Amari nods considering this then asks. âCan I have a hug?â
âOf course baby girl,â Melissa says, taking Amari tightly into her arms.Â
They hold each other for a couple of moments before Amari whispers. âI'm scared to sleep by myself.â
So Melissa lets her curl up against her side. Amari drifts to sleep holding the collar of Melissaâs shirt where a district hole has already started to appear.Â
~-~
Melissa prepares for the worst at the next parenting time but it doesnât come. The mom doesnât confirm. She doesn't even confirm the next week either. Then the third week comes, and she confirms but doesn't show, leaving poor Amari with nothing stable to hold onto.
It is the inconsistency that starts to weigh on the young mind Melissa realizes. Amari wants her mother around but can't trust her to be there. She begs for the moments they can be together but also is relieved when it doesn't happen. Itâs too many emotions for one small girl and it has to go somewhere. Most of the time that means the leftover sadness and anger gets taken out on Melissa, who takes it because Amari deserves someone who sees the rollercoaster that is childhood and stays anyway.Â
The night started with Amari on the opposite end of the couch with Princess and the Frog on the TV. Melissa doesnât see the tears but she hears when Amari begins to sniffle. The sound alone breaks something inside of her but she doesnât know what to say. Amari has grown distant and Melissa is still trying to figure out if she can get her back.Â
It is Amari who ends up talking first. She looks at Melissa with bloodshot eyes and wet cheeks. She points at Tiana and Eudora, who are hugging on screen. âWhy doesnât my Mom love me like that anymore?â
Mel stays frozen to the spot trying to figure out what to say. She could lie and say that her mom does love her but she isnât sure that is actually true. So she tells her what she knows to be true. âI donât know honâ, but I do know that I love you.â
âBut Iâm mean to you,â the young girl protests.
âWe all get a lil mean sometimes, but that doesnât mean that I donât love you or care about you,â Melissa insists.Â
âMy mom is always mean,â Amari admits in a soft broken voice. âIf she gone, who I got left, Mel?â
âYou got me and I promise I ainât gonna leave you sweetheart. No matter what,â Melissa says with such a fierce determination in her heart.Â
With those words Amari launches herself across the couch into Melissaâs waiting arms. The older woman pulls the little girl into her lap, rocking her back and forth while Amari cries out all the emotions that she canât understand. Melissa kisses her forehead and rubs her back until eventually Amari falls asleep in her arms.Â
Melissa stays on the couch until the movie ends and then attempts to carry Amari to her room. The going is slow; Melissa still isnât used to carrying a sleeping child, but she makes it eventually. She tucks her into bed, and when she tries to pull away, Amari clings to her shirt. It is like Melissa will disappear the moment that Amari lets go, so Melissa doesnât let her. She crawls into the bed next to her and holds Amari closer as if she can convince the girl even in sleep that Melissa refuses to go anywhere.Â
When she is about to fall asleep, Melissaâs phone vibrates in the back of her pocket. She pulls it out to find a text message from Charlie.Â
Mom is back, and she wants to start therapy with Amari. The therapist wants to do individual sessions with Amari first. What day works best for you?
It is a message that has so many layers of hope and disappointment all at the same time. She knows that Amari needs the therapy, and hopefully it will bring her some peace. However, she doesnât want Amariâs mother to be back. She realizes that it makes her sound horrible, but all she wants is for the little girl curled up next to her to never have to feel unloved again.
Summary: Olivia is finally able to see Juno. Just never in the way that she expected.
Warnings: N/A (Maybe a little bit of angst. I mean it is me after all.)
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The day that Olivia is supposed to go see Juno, she is on call. With the way that work has been going lately, she knows that she is going to get called in. She canât abandon Juno, though; she promised that she would be there, and she needs to show up. She is figuring out how she is going to butter up Fin to take it for her when she gets a text from Amanda.Â
Iâll cover for you today. Go see your girl.Â
Olivia sends her thanks, and then the butterflies settle into her stomach again. The last time that she saw Juno was in a hospital when both of them were still recovering. She hadnât looked her best, and now she felt like she had to. Olivia didnât know what made her feel this way, but now that the thought was there, she couldnât get it to leave.Â
Finally, she settles on the black dress that she had worn to send Munch off. It is simple, fits her comfortably, and feels appropriate to wear to a foster home. She looks herself over in the mirror one more time, fluffing her hair before she heads for the door. As soon as she gets in the chair and pulls up the directions, she gets a car that makes her body freeze. Cassidy.Â
They have been taking a break for the last couple of weeks. Nothing felt the same after the first time Lewis had come around, and Cassidy had grown distant. He didnât know how to take care of an Olivia that wasnât okay, and right now she didnât know how to be okay. There was a little piece of Olivia that didnât know if she would ever really be âokayâ again. Their interactions while she was in the hospital had been odd, and she realized that she hadnât thought about him in days. The only thing consuming her mind was Juno and making sure that she was safe.Â
Right before it goes to voicemail, she picks it up. âHey, Cass.â
âOlivia, you havenât been answering my texts.â
âSorry, it has been a long couple of days at work. Whatâs going on?â She asks, her eyes focused on the road, so she can get out of the city.Â
There is a pause as he tries to contemplate if that is truly what is going on. âI was just calling to check on you. See if we could talk.â
âI canât right now. Iâm on my way to see Juno,â Olivia replies softly. âMaybe we could meet for coffee tomorrow, though?â
âJuno is the girlâŚâ Cassidy says, trailing off while he figures out how to phrase the rest of his sentence.Â
He doesnât have to wait long for Olivia to supply it for him. âShe was the girl that Lewis captured. We were in the hospital together.â
âOh, so you are just following up on her?â Cassidy asks, his interest piqued now.Â
Olivia hesitates, then as she tries to put into words exactly what she is going to see Juno. Part of it is that she wants to check up on her, but it is more than that. Olivia feels like she canât heal unless she knows that Juno is somewhere safe.Â
âYeah, I just⌠needed to see her,â she says softly.Â
âWell, safe travels, and I will see you for coffee tomorrow,â Cassidy replies.Â
Olivia thanks him and then lets the silence settle into the car. When she is sure she is on the right road, she flicks on the radio and relaxes for a second. Olivia is on her way to see Juno, her girl, as Amanda had said in her text.Â
~-~
Olivia looks up at the house that is crumbling before her eyes with a sinking feeling in her stomach. She didnât know what she was expecting when they told her that Juno was in a group home, but she definitely wasnât expecting this. This looks less like a place to foster teenagers and more like a haunted horror house.Â
She tries to push her judgment aside as she walks up the porch steps. Just as she is about to reach the top, wood splinters, and she has to jump to not fall in the gap that was made. Olivia has only been here for a matter of moments, and she knows that she needs to get Juno out of her as soon as possible.Â
With renewed determination, she knocks on the door. When no answer comes within a couple of seconds, she knocks again. The second knock is met with silence, so her third knock is louder. Finally, she sees the ruffle of a curtain, and the door opens.Â
A scrawny woman stands in front of her. âYou, that detective, arenât you?â
âSergeant,â Olivia corrects a little harsher than she intended. âIâm just here to see Juno.â
âI know who you here to see, but you ainât coming in,â the woman scoffs. âThey told me about you and said you werenât allowed in.â
Oliviaâs eyes narrow then. âWhat do you mean they told you not to let me see her?â
âLook, all I know is that you ainât on the list, so you ainât coming in,â the woman shrugs. âPlus that bitch ainât here anymore anyway.â
Olivia feels her blood boil then. Her hands clench into a fist, and she has to remind herself to breathe. Nothing is going to get solved if she punches this woman for calling Juno a bitch. She tries to remember anything that her therapist has taught her about grounding herself, but all she can hear is the pounding in her ear. It is the woman who finally makes the move to bring Olivia back to herself with a swift slam of the door.Â
Olivia pulls her phone out of her pocket, determined to call this horrible group home in and then find Juno when a call from Amanda comes in. She answers, and it is the other woman who speaks first.Â
âThey picked up Juno on the side of the road for assaulting a man. I was able to talk to Cassidy,â Amanda explains, but Olivia immediately cuts her off.Â
âCassidy was the one to pick her up?â The question comes out with a bite that Olivia canât contain as she jumps back in her car.Â
âHe didnât know it was Juno. They thought she was a prostitute with a john. Turns out she was trying to hitchhike her way to the city to get to you because she figured out they werenât going to let you see her,â Amanda says. âIâm here now, but she is in a bad way. I think you need to get down here as soon as possible.â
âIâll be there in thirty,â Olivia replies, her hands clutching the steering wheel so tight that her knuckles are already turning white. âAnd hey, get Fin to call child protective services on the group home I was just at. She knew that Juno had been missing since last night.â
Amanda agrees to call Fin, and Olivia peels onto the freeway at a speed that is dangerous. There is part of her that is relieved Juno is safe, but there is another part of her that wishes Juno had just waited. Junoâs caseworker already believed the first time Juno was kidnapped was because she was trying to catch a john. Now here she was getting caught beating up a man.Â
-~-
Amanda turns the corner back to the room cell where Juno waits for her. The red and black of the young girlâs hair is starting to fade to a dull brown color that looks eerily similar to Oliviaâs. She is curled in a ball with clothes that are twice her size, seemingly swallowing her alive. It hurts the blondeâs heart to see Juno this way when she knows that all she wanted was to see Olivia.Â
âJuno, itâs Amanda,â she calls out.Â
Junoâs head pops up immediately, and that is when the blonde sees it: a large purple and black bruise that covers the young girlâs right eye. Amanda has to bite back the gasp that wants to come out. Instead, she chooses to focus on the watery smile Juno gives her.Â
âHi, Amanda.â
Amanda nods towards the guard, who unlocks the cell so she can step inside. With one stern glare, he backs out of the room, leaving Amanda alone with Juno. Amanda doesnât have the same kind of connection with the young girl, but she visibly softens when she realizes that she is with someone she trusts.
Amanda sits on the bench across from Juno and places a wrapped granola bar between them. âWhat happened?â
Juno hesitates for a moment before taking the bar. âThe woman I was staying with never learned how to speak quietly on the phone. I overheard her talking with my caseworker that Olivia wasnât allowed to come see me.â She slowly unravels the wrapper. âWhen I asked they wouldnât even tell me why. I justâŚI didnât think I could go without seeing her.â
Amanda watches then as Juno discreetly rubs at the arms of her jacket. When Juno catches her stare she asks another question. âSo what happened with the guy in the truck?â
Juno slowly nibbles a bite of the food then trying to delay her answer. âHe was asking me a bunch of questions. I told him my mom was an SVU detective but he wouldnât leave me alone. I justâŚ.â
She stops talking then curling her legs closer to her chest. Amanda fills in the blanks oif what Juno canât say making a mental note to find out who this man was. It also doesnât slip her notice that Juno had used Olivia as her mom. Maybe it was just a scenario but Amanda realizes that every lie always has a kernel of truth or hope to it.Â
âAll the time,â Amanda response is instant. âWe all get scared sometimes. Itâs okay.â
âI just wanted to be scared together,â Juno says softly.Â
~-~
When Olivia gets to the precinct, her eyes land on Cassidy first. There is a moment where his body tenses as she storms over to him.Â
âYou arrested Juno.â It isnât a question but a bitter statement that comes out between gritted teeth.Â
âIt was a known prostitution area, and she was beating the man. What else were we supposed to do, Liv?â
âMaybe for one second believe that she wasnât in the area for that reason because she is fifteen,â Olivia says, sighing in frustration. âHer caseworker already believes that she got caught by Lewis for working the streets. This doesnât help.â
Cassidy places a gentle hand on Oliviaâs shoulder, and she does her best not to stiffen. âIâm sorry, Liv. We have the guy in custody, too; it wasnât all on Juno. Maybe if you can look at his picture, you can help us understand why Juno started going after the guy.â
âHe looks like Lewis,â Olivia says, looking at the photo. âShe probably fell into a flashback. She wasn't in control of herself. You would know this ifâŚâ
She cuts herself off before she can say the rest. He would have known this if he had paid any attention to the signs of her own PTSD. The signs when her body stiffened from a simple touch. Or her eyes unfocused because something reminded her of his cologne. Or her mind freezing at the sound of a gunshot. Or how she scrubbed her hands over and over again because she swore flecks of his blood still were under her fingernails.Â
âIâm going to see Juno,â Olivia finally says, but she places a finger on the picture of the man. âYou should call Fin about this, though. Juno probably isnât the only young girl he has tried to do this with.â
Olivia turns then and wanders back towards the holding cell. The guard outside tells her that Amanda must still be with Juno. She peeks in the room and immediately feels the way her heart settles at the sight of the young girl. She rushes inside, and Juno only looks up when she hears the bars clatter.Â
Juno doesnât even have the chance to say anything before Olivia wraps her in a tight hug. Juno immediately buries her face into the side of Oliviaâs neck, her arms tightening in her dress. It is clear how desperate these two have been to see each other.Â
For Olivia, it feels like she can finally breathe again. She doesnât have to worry about what may be happening to Juno; all she has to do is hold Juno close to her. Juno, on the other hand, feels for the first time in years that she may actually be safe for once.
The moment is only dampened when Juno starts to cry slightly before sniffling. âIâm so sorry. Iâm sorry.â
Olivia pulls back slightly to gently swipe away the young girlâs tears. âOh my sweet girl, itâs okay.â
âI just⌠I wanted to see you and they werenât going to let me. I tried. I tried to ask why but they wouldnât say. They just told me that they would never let me see you and I just⌠I was. I was so scared,â Juno says her voice wobbling as more tears rush down her face.Â
Oliviaâs heart breaks to hear Juno so upset. She hugs the girl tighter, rubbing small circles along her back. âI promise you I would have done anything to see you. Iâm not going anywhere.â
I wouldnât make promises that you canât keep, Detective,â a bitter voice calls out.
âItâs Sergeant,â Juno and Amanda say at the same time.Â
Olivia tries to contain her smile as her two favorite people come to her defense. When she turns to see who interrupted them, her stomach drops. The caseworkerâs expression is dark and cold as she stares at the way that Juno seems to cling to Olivia. Without realizing it, Olivia goes to move Juno further away from the caseworkerâs gaze.
âJuno has yet again ruined another placement, and we have to find her another home to go to,â she pauses, letting her eyes continue to dig into Juno. âIf there are even homes left that want her.â
âI can take her,â Olivia says immediately.Â
âNo, you canât. I wonât allow it,â the caseworker responds just as quickly.
Olivia lets her frustration show then. âWhat do you have against me? Juno clearly needs a placement, and I have shown that Iâm more than willing to be here for her.â
âI was the caseworker who came out the first time that you applied to be a foster parent,â she explains, her voice calm as Olivia searches for the memory. âI denied you then, and I will deny you again. She isnât going with you.â
âIâll take her,â Amanda says quickly. âWe have more investigating to do about this incident, so she needs to be somewhere we can easily reach her. Iâll make sure she is taken care of.â
The caseworker doesnât immediately agree to this. Instead, she walks out to the hallway to call her supervisor. Once she is out of the room, Juno begins to completely unravel. Olivia notices it immediately in the way her shoulders shake, how there is a quick breath and then silence, and how Junoâs fingers begin to shake.Â
She moves back to clutch Junoâs face gently in her hand. Juno is biting down hard on her bottom lip to stop from crying. Olivia leans forward to gently kiss her forehead.Â
âItâs going to be okay, I promise you. No matter what she says, I will figure out how to get custody of you,â She swipes her fingers gently across Junoâs cheeks. âWherever you end up, I need you to be patient, okay? I need you to give me some time. Can you do that?â
Juno doesnât trust herself to answer, so she just nods. Olivia smiles then and grabs her in another hug. âI donât make promises that I canât keep, Juno. No matter what happens, I will always be here for you.â
It doesnât calm Juno all the way, but it allows her to breathe for a moment. She can settle a little more when her caseworker reluctantly agrees to allow Amanda to take temporary custody of her. It is made abundantly clear that Olivia is not to be anywhere near Juno until her family court hearing on Monday. So with reluctance, Olivia gives one final hug to Juno and watches her leave the precinct with Amanda. There is one addition, though, Juno leaves wearing a hoodie that Olivia kept tucked away in her car.
My car broke...an hour after I got it from the shop.
You heard that right. My lesbian lil Subaru had a wrecked timing belt at the end of June. 2 weeks later I picked it up from the shop...it broke again.
My mechanic is lovely and I do trust him. I'm just pissed. $2,500 for my car to NOT work has me frustrated, depressed, and overall DONE WITH LIFE. It has delayed writing my book, my fics, and buying a house. đ But not only that it has taken an enormous toll on my mental health. I just... am exhausted and feel like life just keeps punching me while I'm down.
So I decided to something...a little out of the ordinary. I created a Ko-Fi and a Paetron.
Fics aren't going to be behind a paywall EVER.
These spaces are for helping me fund my future book, getting sneak peeks of fics and personal writing, life updates, and wild ideas I have. If you have the space: donate. If not, I'll be hanging out here with DMs open. đ¤
Overall... thanks for struggling along with me. I do hate it here.
To make up for it. Sneak peek of Drunk Dial. Following the Ko-Fi link which is ready. Paetron needs a little more tweaks.
Reading baby I got you for the 1039th time, I had an idea for a part 2. Mel has a girlfriend and now itâs time for the reader (Melâs girl) to meet her daughter
While I do love this I have decided to focus more on Mel's Secret Gift which goes into a lot of detail about Mel being a mom. It's a Barlissa fic so not specifically what this fic requested but I wanted you to know that I have debated this heavily. Sorry nonnie. <3
To my 25 - 35 year olds, you've reached the age where people around you are starting to give up on themselves because they think it's too late. Don't let that energy rub off on you. It's not too late.
19.Have you ever written or received a love letter?
-Yes, ironically my first love letter was to my middle school partner who is now a transgender female. I say this to point out that even middle school me knew I was supposed to be with women.
22.Name of your favorite playlist?
-Songs As Unstable As I Am. Picture below
24.Who is your bestfriend?
-I'm changing the way I frame who is my best friend. I don't think you have just one best friend. I have given the label to dozens of friends and who have broken my heart. So instead I have my lifetime people. (You know you have people for a reason, a season, a lifetime.) My lifetime people:
My wife: she truly makes every day an adventure and has been my grounding source in so much.
My sisters Amy & Tara: For never once leaving my side. They have seen me at my darkest and pulled,clawed, and kicked me out of it. Without them I would not be.
actually very very grateful for the online slash long distance friendships and connections ive made on this hellsite and i donât think i say that enough but!!!!!!!! i love you all so so much besties in my phone
Summary: Melissa doesn't know what is going to kill her first: the guilt or watching you on your first date.
Warnings: Angst (I mean it's me after all)
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The day of the date with Wanda comes, you are excitedâŚmostly. You and Wanda have been talking for days with plenty of flirting that sends you to bed thinking about a different redhead for the first time in months. So it isnât the connection that is making you nervous; it is the fact that you havenât been on a date since the failed attempt with Melissa, if you could even call that a date. To her, it hadnât been so; maybe you needed to stop thinking of it that way. That meant the last time you had really been on a date had been years, though, which makes you even more nervous.Â
âCan you stop thinking so loudly?â Ava asks, pulling you from your anxiety. âI can just look at you and know that you are about to come apart. Just put this on.â
You look down at the outfit that Ava is holding in her hand. âNo way in hell am I putting that on.â
âAnd why the hell not?â Ava counters. âYou and I both know the only thing you want out of this date is to get laid. This will get you laid.â
âYou make me sound so cold,â you growl as you take the clothes from her hands, not exactly denying her claim. You wanted to get laid, hell, you needed it. You needed anything to remind you that you were human. Â
Ava shrugs. âIf Wanda wants the same thing, then I donât see anything cold about it.â
You raise your eyebrow at your friend. âHow do you know that is what Wanda wants? Are you plotting behind my back again?â
âNah, I just know how Wanda works. She wants a fun time for as long as she can get it. She moves around too much to settle down,â Ava explains, nodding towards the outfit. âNow go get the outfit on and make sure that you wear the push-up bra that makes your boobs extra perky.â
âYou know way too much about my boobs,â you grumble, going to your bathroom.Â
âThey are nice boobs!â Ava yells before you slam the door in her face.Â
The silence that follows allows you to take a deep breath. This was going to go better than it had with Melissa. It had to. You didnât know how much more heartbreak you could take. It felt like you had enough to carry you through a lifetime. It didnât help that the way she kissed you last week still lingered on your lips, and the words she whispered pounded in your head anytime there was any semblance of silence.Â
You look at the bathroom mirror, and your eye catches the Post-it notes that you have hung all across it. Little snippets of motivational quotes to remind you, even on the most difficult days, that things will get better. Your eyes linger on a red one that hides in the corner. If she wanted to, she would have. You put that one up shortly after Melissa had rejected you the last time. In those simple words, you captured everything you needed to know. You had given Melissa a million chances to show you that she actually wanted you, and she hadnât. It was time to move on and find something to scratch the itch that had taken residence underneath your skin.Â
You throw your lounging clothes in the hamper by the door, determined that you were going to make the most out of this date. With a couple of tugs, the black pants Ava gave you slide over your curves and settle right above your hips. You donât button them at first, pulling on the striped tank top that had been chosen for the occasion. With the hem tucked in, you pulled the corset belt tight around you, fighting the buttons for a moment. When it finally clips into place, you button the pants closed and smooth your hands down your front. It is tight enough to accentuate your curves but loose enough that you can still breathe. You fluff your curls one final time before pulling on your rings that litter both hands. To complete the outfit, you decide on adding a necklace that loops three times around your neck before the charm finally settles between your breasts. It is then that you pause, but finally pop up the last button that exposes the outline of your lace brace. If you were going to commit to the bit, then you were going to fully commit.Â
When you step out of your room, Ava lets out a low whistle. âNow that is my hot ass bitch. I knew you could do it.â
You roll your eyes, flipping her off. âAlright bitch, now get out of my house and back to your girl.â
âIâll call you tomorrow.â Ava winks as she heads for the door. âEarly but not that early.â
âWhy am I friends with you?â You growl, but then a soft smile crosses your face. âLove you, Ava.â
âNot as much as I love you, nerd,â she says, leaning in to give you a soft kiss on the cheek. âNow go clear out those cobwebs.â
You roll your eyes, going to yell at her, but she is already halfway down your driveway. You watch her get in her car and drive down the street before you finally shut your front door. Ava is a pain, but you know deep down past that cold exterior, she really loves you and only wants the best for you.Â
-~-
Melissa knows what day it is. Of course she does. You hadnât wanted to talk about your date, but Barbara had finally pulled it out of you at lunch one day. It concerned Melissa that you were going on a date with a woman you barely knew. You should be going out with someone who knew that you needed to walk closest to the buildings cause you often wandered too close to the street. Someone who knew that you often got nervous when ordering food and would repeat what you wanted multiple times just to remember the order. Someone who knows you and will cherish what that means.
âMelissa, are you even listening?â Barbara asks, pulling the redhead from her thoughts.
âSorry, Barb, I'm just not in it today,â Melissa sighs.Â
âStill thinking about Y/N?âÂ
Mel runs a hand through her curls and shrugs. âJust worried about her going on a date with a stranger. It isn't safe.â
Barbara raises an eyebrow as she studies her friend. âYou know that is how normal people date, right? That is how you found your ex-husband.â
It is a low growl that escapes the redhead, which makes Barbara tilt her head to the side. âMelissa, you need to let it go. You had your chance with her.â
The regret rips through Melissa as she remembers that night. You had been so excited, and she had let insecurities get in the way. She had spent the entire evening telling herself all of the things that were wrong with herself. By the time you had taken her home, Melissa had convinced herself that it had been nothing more than a dinner with a good friend. It took her days to recognize her mistake, and by that time, you were gone, so far retreated into your shell that she knew she had lost her chance forever.Â
âThanks for the reminder, Barb,â Melissa says pitifully. âI justâŚI kissed her last week, and I thought things might have changed between us. But all it did was make me realize that Iâm a chicken who will never leave the comfort of what is familiar.â
âOh, sweetheart, itâs all going to work out.â Barbara soothes even though she doesnât really believe it. She had been trying to convince Melissa for years to do something different but it always ended up the same way. She places a soft hand on her best friendâs shoulder. âCome on, letâs go get dinner. Margaritas will help you feel better.â
Melissa agrees because maybe drowning herself in spicy margaritas might fill the hole in her heart. However, it immediately becomes a mistake when they walk into their usual Mexican restaurant, and she spots you. It is your laugh that catches her attention first. It breaks through the clatter of plates and murmurs of other people talking and draws her eyes to you.Â
You are leaning over the table completing ignoring your food as you look at Wanda. Melissaâs eyes flick down to your shirt, where your breasts are barely contained, and that's when she sees it. Wandaâs hand comes out to pluck at your necklace, her fingers twisting in the metal a couple of times before she pulls you in. Your face burns red, but you smile, which makes Melissa bite her bottom lip to stop from whimpering.Â
-~-
âHow about we skip dessert and go back to your place?â Wanda asks as she continues to twirl your necklace between her fingers.Â
âThat is something I can get behind,â you smile, but then pause when the insecure part of your brain begins to catch up. âYou should know that Iâm not interested in a relationshipâŚI just.â
âNeed to get laid to remember what having a good time is like?â She asks so unfazed that you laugh before nodding. âDonât worry, baby, that is exactly what Iâm looking for.â
âThen it sounds like we are a match made in the stars,â you say, and there is a slight pink tint to Wandaâs cheeks as she calls the waiter for the check.Â
She pays quickly and then grabs your hand, pulling you through the restaurant faster than your feet can keep up. You stumble outside, and before you can gain your bearings, your back is pressed up against the wall. You let out a huff of air and then a little moan as her teeth graze the side of your neck. Your hand goes to curl in her hair when you hear it: a soft cough of someone who has been rudely interrupted by a horiness neither of you could contain.Â
Wanda pulls away slightly with her hands still grasped around your waist. You open your eyes and turn to find Melissa watching you. There is a cigarette hanging out of her lips, and any other time, you would have lingered on the way her lips curled around it. Today, all you can do is try to stifle a laugh.Â
âMel! I didnât know you were here,â you say with a smile so bright that Melissa feels her stomach clench.Â
âBarb and I were having margaritas. Why donât you and your date join us?â She asks, attempting not to let her distaste show through gritted teeth.Â
You donât even hesitate in your response. âNext time, Wanda and I are heading out for dessert.â
Wanda laughs then, and Melissa has the horrible realization that she knows exactly what you are about to do. She is useless to stop it though as you wave a goodbye and run through the pouring rain with Wanda back to your car. Her eyes linger for only a moment to see Wanda push your back up against the car and begin to kiss down your neck again.Â
When she can finally look away, she flicks the cigarette to the ground, stomping it out with her foot. There was only one way to remedy the jealousy that clung to her every nerve ending, waiting to eat her alive: endless margaritas until she couldnât remember her own name.
My Little Star: Chapter 13: Past: Fading In And Out
Summary: Olivai realizes that the snippets of her new life aren't enough, and now she doesn't know if she will get any more.
Warnings: N/A
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Past
Olivia sits on the couch in her apartment, enjoying the silence for the first time in what seems like days. Now that a couple of days have passed and Viola is officially comfortable within the walls of her new home, it seems like there is always something going on. Mornings are filled with grumbles and grunts from a child who would love more than anything to be curled in her own bed. Then, when Viola returns from daycare, there is nonstop talk about what was learned that day and all the exciting plans for tomorrow. Dinner is full of laughter and silly jokes shared with you over the phone as you still recover in the hospital. Right before bed, Disney movies consume the living room TV with Viola singing along to every word as if she wrote them herself. Then, after Viola has her bath, there are the small hesitant words as the little girl works on trying to read as a surprise for you when you get home.Â
It is only after she wears herself out and falls asleep holding Oliviaâs hand that there is silence in the apartment. Olivia will wait there, running her hands through Violaâs hair, until she is sure the little girl has fully drifted off to sleep before she sneaks out to the living room. Most nights, she stays awake for a while texting you just to check in. The responses are short at first, but then become longer as you fall into familiar patterns from when you first started dating. There are no phone calls without Viola present, but Olivia feels you opening up piece by piece. Tonight, however, you are silent, which Fin tells her is because you have fallen asleep, dragged under by a heavy dose of pain medication after a particularly hard PT session.Â
So Olivia turns on the TV and flicks through the channels to find anything to fill the silence that she canât seem to stand anymore. Eventually, she drifts off to sleep on the couch with one of Violaâs stuffed animals curled to her chest purely because there is still the faintest scent of you tangled in its fur.Â
The TV is on some weird infomercial when she first hears it. A scream that is too loud for the tiny little body that it is coming from. Olivia rips back the thing blanket that she had been sleeping under and rushes into the room that she officially made Violaâs. Fairy lights illuminate the little girl who is thrashing in the purple quilt that covers her bed. Her stuffed animals are thrown in a chaotic mess all over the room instead of in their organized pattern along the wall.Â
Olivia steps over them, carefully scooping the screaming girl up in her arms. Viola immediately clings to her, fingers twisting tightly in her shirt, as she presses her head into Oliviaâs neck. Olivia rocks back and forth, small shushing noises escaping from her lips.Â
âIâm here, baby,â she murmurs when Viola starts to settle into wobbly sobs and hiccups. âI got you. You are safe.â
She keeps repeating those simple phrases until Viola finally breathes normally. Olivia pulls back just enough to place a soft kiss on her daughterâs forehead. âBad dream?â
Viola nods and, between sniffles, explains. âMommy was on the floor bleeding⌠and and I couldnât find babushka.â Olivia moves her fingers to wipe away tears that fall down the little girlâs face. âAnd you were gone and and I didnât think I was ever going to see you again.â
Olivia clings to the little girl more tightly when everything is revealed. âOh, baby, that sounds like a really scary dream. But I promise you it was just a dream. We talked to Mommy at the hospital, and she gets to come home soon. Babushka is out trying to finish some things up and then she will be home.â
âAnd you arenât going away again?â Viola interjects so quickly that it takes Olivia off guard.Â
âNo, baby girl, Iâm not going anywhere,â Olivia promises, kissing Violaâs forehead one more time. âIâm never leaving you ever again.â Her heart clenches for a moment before she adds. âIâm so sorry that I wasnât there for you growing upâŚâ
âBut you are here now,â Viola reminds softly as she buries herself closer to Oliviaâs chest, and for a moment, Olivia forgets who is supposed to be comforting whom.
âIâm here now, and that is never going to change,â She says softly. âWould you like me to tell you a story from when Mommy and I first started talking about making a family?â
Violaâs eyes light up, and she nods eagerly. They settle back against the pillows with Olivia pulling the blankets around them both. She takes a deep breath before she dives into the memory.Â
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Even Further In The Past
You are lying in bed with a sheet pulled high around you. There is still a little bead of sweat that runs down your head that Olivia gently wipes away. You lean into her touch, a blissful smile of someone who has spent hours lost in their own fantasy world coming across your face. Olivia kisses your nose and then your lips softly.Â
âWhat is on that beautiful brain of yours?â She murmurs as she curls against your side.Â
âWhen you first met me, did you think that we would ever get to this point?â You ask, glancing around. âLiving in an apartment that isnât a shithole, engaged, and potentially a baby on the way?â
Olivia smiles then her hands absentmindly tracing patterns up and down your arm. âMaybe not when we first met, but I think by the first date I knew that I wanted to spend my life with you.â
âHow?â
The question is simple, not based on insecurity but on genuine curiosity. It is one of the things Olivia loves most about you. You always want to know what she is thinking and how she came to her decision. It wasnât only with her that you did this, no matter what was going on, you just wanted to learn.
âBeing with you felt like the first breath of fresh air right after it rains. You know the kind that makes you realize the world is being wiped clean,â Olivia tells you, which makes you giggle. âYou made me realize what it was like to be adored by someone. You didnât just show up for me because you had to. You came into my life because you wanted to, and you made sure every second that you could that I was someone who mattered to you. I never had to guess.â
She pauses to give you a soft kiss on the temple before continuing. âYou didnât make me feel less than because of my past or how I was born. You made me realize that having kids didnât have to be scary, that it could be a way to celebrate life. You hadnât even said you had wanted kids yet, but I knew the moment you asked, I would say yes. I wanted to say yes because I knew that you would be an amazing mother. That you would love our child more than anything in the whole world and would do anything to make sure that they were cared for and protected.â
âAll of that from the first date?â You asked with tears brimming in your eyes.Â
She kissed your cheek where a stray tear had escaped. âAll of that because I found the love of my life.â
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Present Day
Olivia remembers these moments in bits and pieces as her heart begins to slow. She remembers promising Viola that she would never leave. She remembers telling you the moment she fell in love with you. She remembers every moment that she had with you in Viola in snapshots that are gone before she can truly grasp how important they are. There are so many of them that they blur together, but she also knows there is not nearly enough.Â
There are years of memory that were stolen from her because of one man who decided that she was his property and nothing more. She knows now that if she had never let Elliot Stabler back in her life, she could have had years of toddler kisses and cozy nights curled in bed with her wife. She could have had so much, and now he has stolen it from her.Â
Galina is alive. Viola is alive. You are alive. And Olivia⌠well, she is in that middle ground where the world around her is right out of reach, and no matter how hard she tries, she just canât seem to get back to the side of the living. Every time gets a little harder, and for a moment, Olivia wonders what it would be like if she just stopped trying.Â
She canât stop trying, though, because a little girl is waiting on the other side for her. A little girl who looks exactly like her who made her promise that she would never leave again. Not only that, but the last words you said still ring in her head as a melody to keep her legs pushing forward. Itâs me, you, and our little star against the world. You canât leave us now.Â
Which is true. She canât leave either of you yet.Â
How to sit quiet enoughâ¨to not become another problemâ¨in a house already drowningâ¨in pride, bills, anger, and silence.
âWhy you canât be like them?ââ¨was a sentence that raised me.
Somebody elseâs childâ¨always had better grades,â¨better manners,â¨better posture,â¨better skin,â¨better everything.
And me?â¨I was the warning story.
The embarrassment.â¨The attitude problem.â¨The âtoo sensitiveâ childâ¨with tears that made grown folks uncomfortable.
In our house, depressionâ¨was called laziness.
Anxiety was disrespect.
And surviving pain quietlyâ¨was considered strength.
So I swallowed everything.
Every panic attackâ¨turned into âcalm down before I give you something to cry for.â
Every lonely nightâ¨became another prayer I was too ashamed to say out loud.
I started hating mirrors early.â¨Started apologizing for existingâ¨before I even knew who I was.
You know what it does to a childâ¨to only hear their nameâ¨when theyâre in trouble?
To grow up touched only by discipline,â¨never softness?
I spent years believing loveâ¨was something earned through perfection.
And since perfection never came,â¨neither did love.
Now Iâm olderâ¨and everybody asks why Iâm distant.
Why I disappear.â¨Why I overthink texts.â¨Why compliments feel fake.â¨Why I flinch at affection like itâs danger.
Because nobody noticedâ¨the child inside meâ¨was drowning.
In the Black community,â¨we called trauma âbeing strong.ââ¨Called survival ânormal.ââ¨Called broken children âdramaticââ¨until they became broken adults nobody understood.
And even now,â¨part of me still feels twelve years old,â¨standing in a room full of people,â¨trying to figure outâ¨what was so wrong with meâ¨that love always sounded conditional.
Not a best friend,â¨not someone chasing their own reflection,â¨not someone who wanted secrets and gossipâ¨instead of responsibility.
I needed a hand to hold,â¨a voice to guide me,â¨someone to teach me how to standâ¨when life knocked me to my knees.
But every time I reached for you,â¨your arms were somewhere else.
You were quick to point out my flaws,â¨slow to celebrate my strengths.â¨Your words built walls around meâ¨instead of a home within me.
I learned to doubt my reflectionâ¨because you taught me to search for cracks.â¨I learned to hide my tearsâ¨because they seemed to inconvenience you.
Where were youâ¨when I needed someone to tell meâ¨I was enough?
When I was scared,â¨when I was hurting,â¨when I felt like the world was too heavyâ¨for my shoulders alone?
And when I finally found the courageâ¨to tell the truth about who I am,â¨you turned away.
I didn't need you to understand everything.â¨I didn't need perfect words.â¨I just needed my motherâ¨to choose love over judgment.
Instead, I became a questionâ¨you never wanted to answer.
So I searched for mothersâ¨in teachers,â¨in friends,â¨in strangers who showed me kindnessâ¨without asking me to earn it.
Piece by piece,â¨I raised myselfâ¨from the rubble of your absence.
But some nights,â¨the little girl inside me still asks:
Where were you when I needed a mom?
Not a friend.â¨Not a critic.â¨Not a stranger living in my house.
Just a mom.
And the silence answersâ¨the same way it always has.
Not a best friend,â¨not someone chasing their own reflection,â¨not someone who wanted secrets and gossipâ¨instead of responsibility.
I needed a hand to hold,â¨a voice to guide me,â¨someone to teach me how to standâ¨when life knocked me to my knees.
But every time I reached for you,â¨your arms were somewhere else.
You were quick to point out my flaws,â¨slow to celebrate my strengths.â¨Your words built walls around meâ¨instead of a home within me.
I learned to doubt my reflectionâ¨because you taught me to search for cracks.â¨I learned to hide my tearsâ¨because they seemed to inconvenience you.
Where were youâ¨when I needed someone to tell meâ¨I was enough?
When I was scared,â¨when I was hurting,â¨when I felt like the world was too heavyâ¨for my shoulders alone?
And when I finally found the courageâ¨to tell the truth about who I am,â¨you turned away.
I didn't need you to understand everything.â¨I didn't need perfect words.â¨I just needed my motherâ¨to choose love over judgment.
Instead, I became a questionâ¨you never wanted to answer.
So I searched for mothersâ¨in teachers,â¨in friends,â¨in strangers who showed me kindnessâ¨without asking me to earn it.
Piece by piece,â¨I raised myselfâ¨from the rubble of your absence.
But some nights,â¨the little girl inside me still asks:
Where were you when I needed a mom?
Not a friend.â¨Not a critic.â¨Not a stranger living in my house.
Just a mom.
And the silence answersâ¨the same way it always has.
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