Hello, it's Ghost, your passive-aggressive, angsty goddess bitch. I've been told I'm a monster so proceed with caution cause my ability to care died this year. I'm just going to be a ghost waving in the breeze.
Anyway
Welcome To The Monsters In My Head.
I am 27 and my Scorpio ass will probably forget to update this so just know I am old and getting more delusional every day. I am married to @justanotherboundlesssoul. We met over Tumblr on this blog. Wild I know.
My hyperfixations are fleeting, but my love for Tumblr seems to be never-ending. I write for Abbot Elementary, SVU, Criminal Minds, 9-1-1, Orrange Is The New Black, Star Trek and Chessy. I am also working on a lot of personal writing projects that I will mention here. Please check my request guidelines before yours gets thrown into the internet trash, never to be seen again.
Most of my work is ANGSTY AF. It's dark and twisty just like my soul. I admit to being an Angsty Goddess, but sometimes I do write some fluff. Even Smut. All of them will be marked accordingly, so minors find your way out of the smut and to safer pastures. Also, I swear a shit ton. I apologize for nothing, so if it bothers you, scroll on. Again, my empathy is shattered and a replacement got lost in the underworld.
Oh and one final thing lovelies. Everything about this blog is GAY! The writing, the writer, the posts- all of it.
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Summary: Olivia finds a little light at the end of the tunnel.
Warnings: Small mention of SI. (Olivia has some SI intrusive thoughts basically)
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-~-
Olivia is a great detective, but when it comes to finding out what happens to Juno, she is completely at a loss. The girl seemingly has disappeared into thin air. All that she has to go off of is that Juno was placed somewhere upstate. Olivia attempts to coerce every connection that she has, but it is pointless. Juno is gone, and the sooner that she accepts that, the better. She has to give up the fantasies that have been living rent-free in her head. She was never going to be able to protect Juno in the way that she had promised.
She tries for days to push the girl out of her mind. It should be enough to know that Juno is safe away from William Lewis. They both made it out alive, and he is dead. That monster could never lay a hand on Juno or her ever again. They were safe for now. It was a small thing, and it was eating Olivia alive that she couldn’t fulfill her promise the way that she wanted to.
The only person who seemed to notice her dilemma was Amanda. The blonde watched her with cautious eyes, trying to figure out when Olivia would crack. It wasn’t a question of if the crack would happen but when. It was the kind of disaster that you couldn't avoid but could prepare for. She made sure that she was paired with Olivia as much as possible, that she checked on her often, and that she kept the older woman away from things that might remind her of Lewis. Amanda just hoped her preparations were enough.
Unfortunately, the fallout happens when Amanda is least expecting it. The case was hard, but not the worst they had seen in their career or even that week, if they were honest. But the girl had been young, and Olivia’s gaze had lingered when the mom had taken the girl in her arms. Amanda knew all too well that look. It was the look of longing, of seeing something that would always be right outside of your reach.
The longing in Olivia’s eyes had quickly turned to darkness when Murphy had told them they had another case to get to. Amanda watched as Olivia packaged her hopes and dreams away to return to her cold reality. Now, as they walked three in a line with Olivia in the middle, Amanda knew something was wrong. Olivia was there physically, but her mind was somewhere far away. She needed help, and Amanda was sick of watching and waiting.
Amanda was about to bring it up when they stopped at the intersection, but Olivia kept moving even as the light turned red. Murphy and Amanda’s hands jerk out to grab for her, pulling her abruptly back onto the curb she had just vacated. A car rushes by a moment later, exactly where she would have been standing, honking and yelling out the open window.
Murphy’s anger is clear in the way his face reddens and twists. Amanda, though, clings to the older woman and buries her head into the rough cloth of Olivia’s jacket. Olivia seems to melt into her, and together they try to settle their beating hearts. Murphy rages about Olivia’s recklessness, but she blocks him out. The only thing she can hear is the blonde woman whispering in her ear.
“I need you to stop trying to die on me.”
It is this phrase that forces Liv into therapy. She wouldn't call herself suicidal necessarily. She is just stuck in a grey area where real life was too exhausting, but death made her story seem unfinished. Amanda made her realize that maybe there was something worth fighting for in real life, even if she couldn't find Juno.
It takes a couple of sessions for Olivai to finally open up, but when she does, it is like the dam has burst. It is a relief to talk about the things that have been weighing her down since she was first captured by Lewis.
“I just don't understand it, I'm able to sit there listening and support victims while on the inside I'm… I'm falling apart,” Olivia whispers, tears welling in her eyes. “Not even falling apart, I'm just empty.” She says, clenching her hands together. “I don't even know if I feel things anymore. I think I just shut myself down and pack all emotions away because I know at the end of the day it doesn't matter. I don’t matter. I’m sitting right there, and no one even sees me. I'm just a ghost.” She pauses, then her eyes flick up. “Juno made me feel seen. She made me realize that I can have a purpose. I miss Juno.”
The silence after the confession is suffocating. It takes only a second for Olivia to know that she has messed up. These are the words that she should have kept buried inside of her. Thirty seconds of bravery are now going to cost her everything. Olivia places her badge and gun on the table before turning to leave. She only stops at the door when her therapist’s voice calls out to her.
“Where are you going?” He asks calmly.
“Home,” Olivia says curtly. “You are going to tell them what I said and recommend that my badge be taken away. I’m clearly not fit for duty, so I'm starting the inevitable.”
“Olivia, you have suffered through more trauma than the whole department. You were barely on your feet when Lewis came back. Then he forces you to play Russian Roulette in front of a child. You deserve moments to break down and so far haven't done so actively on the job,” her therapist explains with calming ease. “I would say that you are doing as well as can be expected. Now come sit down so I can give you something that may help.”
Olivia cautiously sits back on the couch. Her therapist stares at her for a moment till his phone begins to ring. He answers it and nods before extending it out to Olivia.
“Talk,” he says softly.
Olivia places the phone against her ear before whispering a soft hello. Seconds later, tears fill her eyes when she hears the response.
“Olivia? Is that really you? It’s Juno!” The girl exclaims her excitement clearly in the way her voice practically vibrates.
“Hi baby,” Olivia smiles, not even realizing the nickname has slipped from her mouth. She only clutches the phone tighter. “It's me.”
“I have been begging to talk to you for weeks!” Juno shouts, making Olivia chuckle through a stream of tears. “I had to make a couple of threats, but it worked.”
“I didn't take you to be the blackmailer,” Olivia says, trying not to be too proud of the young girl's cunning.
“They told me you have been doing the same,” Juno points out. Then, much quieter, she adds, “I thought you had forgotten about me.”
“Never,” Olivia replies adamantly. “I could never forget about you, baby.”
“Will you come visit me? I'm in a group home, and there are family visiting hours on Saturdays,” Juno explains in a rush. “I’m in New Haven. They said all you had to do was call my caseworker and get on the approved list. You haven’t like committed a crime or anything, right?”
“I catch the people who do the crimes.” Olivia laughs, and for a moment her heart feels lighter. “I’ll be there, baby, I promise.”
It is another promise Olivia has no right to make but is determined to keep. It is the first time in weeks she has felt a semblance of hope. She is going to see Juno again, and nothing will stop her. There is a small noise in the background, and Olivia dreads what it means when Juno sighs.
“My session is over,” Juno says with a hint of disappointment, “but I'll see you Saturday. Only three more days.”
“Three more days,” Olivia reassures her, and then the phone line clicks dead.
The silence that follows isn't scary in the same way it has been lately. There are flickers of hope that Olivia thought she had lost.
“How did you find her?” Olivia asks finally.
“A friend was complaining about a very persistent detective who had been snooping around looking for information about a girl in their clinic.” He looks at Olivia softly. “Luckily for me, I know only one persistent detective.” Olivia pauses, then attempts to look ashamed. “Let’s just say we pulled some very…very tight strings.”
“Thank you.” Olivia smiles and then shakes her head as if to make sure she isn't dreaming. “Thank you.”
She reclips her badge and gun to her belt before scheduling her appointment the following week. When she is outside of the building, the sun feels a little brighter, and there is only one person she wants to share the news with.
“Rollins,” comes Amanda’s answer shortly after Olivia dials.
“Manda, I get to see her on Saturday,” Olivia says, practically bouncing on her feet.
“Juno?” Amanda asks. “How did you find her?”
“A lot of string pulling.” Olivia smiles. “Would you like to come with me? I know you have been trying to look for her too.”
There is a moment of hesitation before Amanda responds. “I don’t want to get in the way of you and Juno finally getting to see each other again.”
“You won’t be,” Olivia promises, “I want you there.”
“Okay, then it’s a date,” Amanda says with a hint of southern twang in her words as she tries to hide some of her nerves.
Olivia confirms the final details and then hangs up the phone. Three more days until she sees Juno, and now she has Amanda to keep her company.
given the current climate this pride especially i feel i must mention that i love my trans friends, i stand with trans people in the fight against transphobic legislation and those who would enforce it, and this blog is not a good place for you to be if you do not vibe with that
Summary: After months of talking on the phone, you decide to surprise your girl.
Warnings: N/A
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-~-
Penelope lived her life on the computer. She was tied to it all day at work and even at home, had learned to escape the horrors of what she researched all day by sinking into a virtual reality game. It is how she came to start a relationship with you.
She loved to play between cases, and you played anytime you got home from work to remind you there was a life outside of your job. You didn’t see murder and death in the same way that Penelope did, but you had your fair share of horrible things that clung to you. Being in the child welfare system for five years had taken its toll on you, but you were determined to stay in it till you felt like you were accomplished. However, it was becoming a little murky on what it would look like to be accomplished.
So you sank into a world where people didn’t need you, and you could be someone else entirely. It was an open-world adventure game that allowed you to cross paths with Penelope multiple times. You had teamed up for a couple of adventures, and then, when it was clear both of you were enamored of the game, you became regular duo partners. It allowed y’all to spend hours together.
As the weeks passed by, Penelope’s work unraveled around her, and she was unable to play as much as she wanted. She didn’t want you to think that she was standing you up, so she messaged you her number so that you could text her outside of the game. It had taken a little courage and polite prodding from a friend, but eventually you texted her.
You expect a text back, but instead it is a FaceTime call. You had only talked to her over voice chat before and didn’t know what she looked like in real life, and it was only because your friend swiped the answer button that you actually answered. Penelope’s smile immediately filled the screen, and you were captured by her blonde hair and pops of color. She was so similar to her virtual character. It didn’t take you long to realize that you wanted to know everything there was to know about this woman who was behind the screen. All you could do was hope that she was just as amazing in real life as she was in her virtual life.
That first phone call bled into weeks of texting and FaceTime dates. The game wasn’t important now because the only person who mattered was on the phone with you every day. You would have your phone propped up with Penelope on the screen any time that you could. She was there in between meetings at work, on the drive home, while you were making dinner, before you went to bed, and sometimes even after you went to sleep. She was the one constant in your life that you had begun to rely on.
It was a dream until three months into phone talking, when you accidentally slipped up. One of your coworkers had slipped into your office to get your order for lunch when they locked eyes with Penelope. They asked who she was, and you said she was your girlfriend without even thinking about it. Honestly, you had been thinking about asking her for weeks but didn’t want it to seem weird, so you had pushed it aside. Now, as you sat there with red cheeks, you realized that Penelope had stopped what she was working on entirely.
When your coworker had left, you had been too embarrassed to look at the blonde. Instead, you mumbled an apology under your breath.
“Oh sweet pea,” Penelope said in a soft hum that had you looking up at her. “You can make it up to me by officially asking me out.”
You grinned at the excitement that was already written across her face. “Beautiful, smart, amazing, glorious Penelope Garcia, will you be my girlfriend…officially?”
“Yes! Of course, yes!” Penelope squealed, practically bouncing out of her seat. “I have to go tell Derek! Stay on the line.”
There were butterflies in your stomach as she ran off to talk to her best friend. It was nervousness that you were feeling, just the excitement of feeling like something was finally going right in your life.
Later that night, you were still humming with excitement, but Penelope looked like she was drained. The case she was working on was particularly awful, and she had been more on edge than ever. She was typically never the one to ask to fall asleep on the phone, opting to stay up long after you had already fallen asleep. However, today she asked if you would stay on the line with her to keep her bad dreams away.
The request had taken you off guard, but you willingly accepted. It was a small piece of comfort that you could offer Penelope when separated by hundreds of miles. You watched over her as she curled under the covers, holding the stuffed animal unicorn Derek had bought her. She was so cute with her blonde hair cascading over the pink covers, and you wished desperately that you were there to hold her while she fell asleep. Instead, after a couple of moments, you watched her drift into dreamland.
You knew then that you had to find a way to see Penelope. The chance didn't arise till two months later, when you had scheduled a week away to spend with her. You were excited to finally be able to see her in person, to hold her, to kiss her, to be around the woman you were falling in love with. There was just one thing that made you extra anxious: you didn't tell her you were coming. You had been working with Emily and Derek to put together this surprise, and now that it was here, you were regretting it. They promised you that Penelope would love it, but you still worried about the execution.
You sat on your final FaceTime trying to talk to Penelope before what she thought was a day full of court hearings that would keep you away from the phone. In reality, your bag was packed by the door, and your ride was approaching to whisk you away.
“I wish I could teleport you here,” Penelope whispered, setting up her computer for the day. “I could really use a hug.”
The admission hung heavy in the air, and for the first time since you had met Penelope, you saw her frown. Your heart ached for her, and you almost blew your secret right there. Instead, you gave her a hint, hoping she would put together the pieces.
“Why don't you make a list of all the things you want to see or do when I visit? That when I do come over, we will be prepared.”
Penelope smiled at the thought but then admitted, “I think all I really want to do is hug you.”
“Then I will give you all the hugs your heart desires, hun,” you reassured her.
Penelope’s face brightens even more now that she has a mission to focus on in your absence. “I hope you are prepared for how many hugs that truly is.”
“I'm prepared,” you grinned, but then your alarm sounded, letting you know it was time to leave. “Alright, I have to go, babe, but we will talk soon, okay? Stay beautiful while I'm gone.”
“Always,” Penelope said, and then within seconds she was gone.
You grabbed your suitcase from beside the door and got into the car. Your friend drove you to the airport, and there was a moment when you approached security that you still debated texting Penelope about what was happening. You called Derek instead, who promised that he would be there to pick you up on time.
The plane worked until you got delayed, and soon your day trip turned into an overnight trip. You couldn't risk talking to Penelope that night, fearing that she would figure out you were in Chicago for a layover. So instead, you sent her a text that it had been a long day and you were going right to bed. You spent the night alone, worried that you had epically fucked up.
-~-
The next morning, the whole squad was on edge, waiting for you to come meet Penelope. She was on edge all morning with dark rings under her normally perky eyes. She hadn't been able to sleep all night. The blonde had begun to rely on seeing you in the middle of the night to keep her nightmares at bay. When you had asked for space, Penelope’s mind flicked through the worst scenarios all night. She had been looking forward to telling Derek what was going on and getting his opinion, but he was gone. When it was clear he wasn't going to be around soon, Penelope had sought out Emily, but that comfort had been less than helpful. To top off the day, Penelope spilled her coffee all over the break room and chipped the edge of her favorite mug. It was shaping up to be a horrible day.
Penelope had just started to force herself to work when there was a knock on the door. Penelope didn't even look up, content to ignore whoever had come. Derek attempted to call out to her. “Hey baby girl, I heard you had a rough night.”
“That’s what happens when my girlfriend goes completely AWOL after asking you to plan a trip for her to come out. She didn't even call to say goodnight, so maybe she doesn’t want to see me after all,” Penelope sighed, tears welling in her eyes. “I can't sleep without her, Derek. Now, what if she doesn't want to be around me at all?”
“How about a hug, baby girl? Those always make you feel better.”
Penelope shook her head, trying not to cry. “Not now, I'll be okay.”
“What about a hug from me? Would that make up for my absence?” you asked, replacing Derek’s spot in the doorway. “I believe I was supposed to give you all the hugs that you could ever ask for.”
Penelope swiveled in her chair, nearly topping over as she tossed her headset. Her eyes were wide when she finally looked at you. You hadn't had the time to change or shower like you wanted. You were still in sweatpants and a dingy cardigan pulled around an old t-shirt. Your hair was pulled up in a messy bun with sunglasses high on your head. You opened your arms slowly, trying to gauge Penelope’s reaction.
“Am I dreaming? Is that really you?” Penelope asked, her voice shaking.
“Yes, it’s really me. Surprise.”
Penelope rushes into your arms, then nearly topples you over. You catch your footing just in time to wrap your arms tightly around her waist. Her hands clutched in the back of your shirt with her head settling against the crook of your neck. Immediately, you were overwhelmed with her strong lavender perfume. It was exactly the way that you had imagined Penelope to smell, and it instantly calmed your nerves. You turned your head just enough to give her a small kiss on the forehead when you noticed she was crying.
“Sunshine, why are you crying?” You asked, alarmed, moving back just enough to wipe some tears off her cheek. “I’m so sorry, I should have told you that I was coming. I thought you would like the surprise, but maybe I was wrong.”
“Oh, that’s not it at all,” Penelope reassures you with a wobbly smile. “I just can’t believe that this is real. You are actually here, holding me and smiling at me. My baby is here.”
You grinned so much that a small dimple began to show. “Well, you better believe it, Pen; I’m really here and staying for a while.”
Penelope was giddy with excitement now, and you chose that moment to lean down and press a soft kiss against her lips. You could feel her smile against you as she leaned on her tiptoes to deepen the kiss. Finally, after months of talking on the phone, you had broken the distance.
Summary: Ava is more than willing to help you forget the red head.
Warnings: N/A
A/N: Sorry for the delay. I was participating in Roller Derby playoffs and was hella busy.
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-~-
The next morning comes quicker than you would have liked. The sun bleeds through Melissa’s half-open curtains, and you realize how cold you have gotten. With a simple glance, you realize it is because Melissa shifted in her sleep.
Instead of being curled against you, she lies sprawled face down on her belly. One arm is tucked under the pillow while the other one clutches the sheets. A clump of red curls sticks to her face, and without thinking, you move to brush it behind her ear.
Melissa doesn't move, just smiles in her sleep as her body chases your touch. You let your fingers trace the soft outline of her jaw before you pull away. The movement feels too intimate for a situation you know you shouldn't be in. You had given Melissa the chance to have this with you, and she had chosen Captain Robinson. It was up to you to respect that choice.
You peel back the covers slowly, trying not to wake her up. You knew you wouldn’t be strong enough to leave Melissa if she were awake. This is something that you need to do quietly and with a little bit of shame. You appease this shame slightly by leaving a glass of water next to a bottle of pain reliever on her nightstand. Right before you leave, you lean down to place a kiss on her forehead.
Your lips burn and mingle with memories of the previous night, your entire drive home. You knew you were right in stopping the kiss. Melissa had been intoxicated, with probably no idea what she had revealed to you. But it didn’t stop you from wondering if she really meant it.
It’s the only thing that you can think about as you redownload Tinder and fill your profile with half-truths. It’s a watered-down version of yourself, but it’s what you can stomach, random strangers knowing. No one knows who you truly are anymore. You had given that to Melissa, and she still had chosen someone else.
-~-
Melissa wakes up to her phone ringing. She groans, blindly reaching for it. Her head peels off the pillows for a couple of seconds to see who is calling. Robinson 🚒is what she is greeted with. Melissa rolls her eyes, silencing the call.
The night comes back in bits and pieces. She fought with Robinson over the same old shit, but this time it had turned aggressive. He didn't hit her like her ex husband, but the thought had been there. Melissa had become acutely aware of the signs that let her know she was in danger. The clench of a fist, the widening of the pupils, the way hair stands up on the forearm. He had all of the signs but hadn't swung. Part of her wanted him to swing. It would have given her a reason to leave.
Instead she left before he had the chance to change his mind. It had taken her twenty minutes to walk to the bar, but it didn't matter. It had given her the space to breathe and decide what to do. Well, mostly to act as a reminder that she can't call you.
She knew it wasn't fair that she kept you right on the edge of what you both wanted. Yet she couldn't let you go or push herself off the cliff. She kept herself in the balance that was slowly killing her. Well, not as bad as this headache was currently. She grabs for the glass of water, shakily opening the bottle of pills, before downing a handful. She doesn't know how they got there, but she is grateful for the peace before she drifts back off to sleep.
-~-
“Girl, I thought you got off Tinder,” Ava scoffs as she steals your phone from you on Monday morning as you gather your mail.
You shrug. “I needed the distraction.”
“Distraction from little Red Riding Hood that you can't seem to get over?” Ava says with a wiggle of her brows.
“I actually hate that you call her that,” you sigh, attempting to steal back your phone. Ava holds it just out of reach. “If I tell you a secret, will you give me my damn phone back?”
Ava twirls your phone lightly in her hand while debating your offer for a moment before finally relenting. She gives you a small nod, and you tell your best friend an abbreviated story about how Melissa had kissed you that weekend. You play it off as Melissa being drunk and having no idea what was going on, but Ava reads through the lines. She sees the way your eyes light up when you talk about it. She doesn’t need the full story to know that this isn’t good.
Falling for Melissa in the beginning is something that she could get behind. Seeing you continue to break your heart over a woman who didn’t want to choose you, that was something she couldn’t allow. If Melissa wasn’t going to change her mind, she was going to change yours.
“If I can’t keep your phone, can I at least get your Tinder login?” Ava asks when she finally hands it back over.
You raise an eyebrow at her. “You know that you have a partner, right?”
“And she is great, I’m doing this for you,” Ava says, leveling you with a stare. “You have to work all day and will miss out on prime swiping time.” When you hesitate, she adds. “The best way to get over Red is to get under someone else, boo.”
“Fine,” you relent and just hand your phone back to Ava. “I’m not risking your MMA girlfriend kicking my ass because you have Tinder on your phone. Just use mine. But don’t scroll through my pictures and don’t text anyone.”
Ava grins triumphantly, and you gather your things to head to your classroom before you can change your mind. This will either go brilliantly, or Ava will have given away half of your personal information by lunch. There truly was no way to tell.
What you didn’t notice in your hasty exit was Melissa entering the school and how her eyes already scanned for where you were. Ava noticed, though, and stepped in her line of vision so that she couldn’t tell that you had already disappeared.
“Schemmenti, if you aren’t ready to admit that you made a mistake dating that fuckwad then you need to stay away from her,” Ava says bluntly as she slips your phone into her pocket.
“Ava, it is too early for this shit,” Melissa grumbles, trying to peek around the younger woman’s shoulder.
Ava moves over to cut off her sight once again. “You kissed her, and it got her hopes up again. I just got her to accept that you were never gonna leave that waste of space, and now you are fucking with her head again. “
Melissa freezes at the comment, and for the first time all weekend, she remembers the kiss. It is like she is sucked back to her bedroom, where her drunken stupor had finally given a voice to her biggest secret. I like you…and I really want to fucking kiss you.
She had wondered how she had gotten home that night and had finally decided she must have gotten a ride from a cab. But no, this whole time it had been you. It hadn't been a dream that she was kissing you, it had been the truth. She bites down on her lip trying to figure out what to do.
“Either shape up or ship out,” Ava says, finally stepping out of Melissa’s way to let her pass as the first bell rings.
~-~
Melissa doesn't have a chance to talk to you until lunch. She arrives early to try and catch you by yourself but you are the last one to arrive.
You throw your bag at the seat across from her and Barbara sighing heavily as you sit down. Melissa’s hand clenches around her fork as she forces herself not to reach across the table to brush away an unruly curl that has fallen out of your ponytail.
“Darling, you look exhausted already. What have those kids been doing to you?” Barbara asks, grabbing your water bottle before it spills over.
“Teaching English is hard enough, but now with the class projects I'm grouped with Morton.” You glare daggers at Jacob. “Because someone can't admit they are in an enemies to lovers arc.”
“That is not what is happening!” Jacob yells and Melissa hears you physically growl.
“Here, this might help you feel better,” the redhead soothes, pushing some food in your direction.
She’ll never admit it but Melissa has taken to packing extra food for you every day. You never ask but she always makes sure you eat enough.
“Thank you,” you smile but there is a shyness to it that makes Melissa pause.
She thinks about asking about the kiss right there not giving a shit who hears her. She wants you to know that it was real. She meant the things she said but before she gets the chance Ava bursts into the room.
“Girl! I found the perfect date for you. I didn't even have to us Tinder,” Ava exclaims and Melissa watches as your cheeks instantly burn red.
“You don't have to announce to the world I'm on Tinder,” you groan.
“You'll understand in a second,” Ava grins turning the phone.
There is a redhead looking back at you with a teasing smile that makes your breath catch. She is gorgeous and your stomach flutters when she laughs. That is also when you realize Ava has handed you a Facetime.
“Hi sweetheart,” the woman smiles. “You'll have to excuse some of Ava’s behavior. I wanted to get to know you after my last match and finally the opportunity has arrived.”
It is then that you remember where you have seen this before. Another notorious MMA fighter that Ava has been trying to introduce you to for weeks. You smile, your body settling for a moment.
“Wanda, please tell me she hasn't been embarrassing me.”
Wanda laughs again making your heart flutter. “No, she has been hyping you up but I wanted to hear more about you from you.”
“Well let me get back to my classroom and then I have about twenty minutes,” you grin, gathering your things and then heading out the door.
You don't grab the food Melissa left you or notice the way her eyes follow you out of the room. Barbara notices how her work wife's nails dig into her palm.
“Melissa,” she whispers softly. “Are you okay?”
“No,” Melissa admits as Barbara gently reaches for her hand. “I'm an idiot.”
as a writer, it’s very important that you know this: whenever you tell yourself “this will only be one-chapter-long” that is a lie. your brain is lying to you. it won’t, in fact, be just a short one-shot
Summary: Little snippets of four to six months with Olivia's new baby Ella
Warnings: Elliot angst
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-~-
Four Months (Feb)
Ella took to Megan immediately in a way that warmed Olivia’s heart. There were some days when Olivia thought Ella loved Megan more than she loved Olivia and PaPa combined. It was nice, though, because it meant that Olivia could fall into an easy routine with Megan. As Olivia got ready for work, Megan would come over to make her a quick bite to eat. Food first thing in the morning wasn’t Olivia’s preference, but Megan insisted on it because she told Olivia she couldn’t survive on coffee alone.
When Olivia was done getting ready, she would kiss Ella goodbye and head to work. It was never an easy process, and Olivia always felt like a piece of her heart was being left behind. This ache is lessened throughout the day when she receives pictures of Ella from Megan. It always would make her smile on a particularly rough day. She would share these photos with Cragen, too, just to see him grin from ear to ear.
When it was warm enough outside for Ella to be bundled up in her winter coat, which made her look like a fluffy teddy bear, Megan would walk from the apartment to the precinct. She always came with lunch and would often drop off treats and other gifts for the squad. It was Munch who fell in love with Megan first, always stealing handfuls of cookies and falling into debates with her over trivial things. They could go on for what felt like hours, but Olivia would just hold Ella in her lap until she fell asleep. When Megan finally won against Munch, she would take Ella home and prepare for the rest of the evening.
The consistency of the routine became a comfort to Olivia more than she realized. When she came home, Megan would have a small dinner ready for the two of them. On the days when work was pure chaos, Megan would always have Olivia’s dinner ready to warm up in the oven. Any time that Olivia would get called away in the middle of the night, Megan would pad across the hallway in her pajamas, taking residence on the couch, always there when Ella would wake up. It was in these simple moments that Olivia felt like she finally had the mother that she had always dreamed about growing up.
This was a fact that she was reminded of on her birthday when her birth mother, Serena, made a dinner reservation for the two of them. Olivia couldn’t remember a time that she had actually liked her birthday, and she didn’t need her mother reminding her that this ranked in the top two in the worst days of Serena’s life.
She paces the living room for hours, trying to figure out how to get out of this, until Megan finally stops her.
“Olivia, are you doing all of this pacing over a man? If so, they definitely aren't worth the time or effort,” the older woman reminds Olivia as she rocks Ella to sleep.
Olivia pauses her movements to let out a small laugh. “I would much rather be concerned with a man right now.” She lets out a large sigh. “I'm actually worried about seeing my mother tonight.”
Megan’s lips curl into an O as she takes in the information. Olivia had never talked about her mother or father. It had left Megan thinking that they were dead. She tries to smooth out her features before responding.
“Oh, why don't you bring Ella with you then? I'm sure your mother would love to spend some time with her.”
“No,” Olivia says sharply and then sighs. “I'm sorry. Let me explain. My mother doesn't know about Ella. We had a falling out before I joined the police academy, and we haven't really talked since.”
“I see,” Megan murmurs, giving Olivia the space to talk more.
Olivia walks over to Ella, caressing her cheek gently. “I don't need my mom judging how Ella was conceived or the choices I made after. It’s easier and safer this way.”
There is so much she leaves unsaid. She could tell Megan about how her mother used to emotionally manipulate her as a child. She could talk about the way that wine bottles used to litter the floor when she was growing up. She could explain how her mother made her feel trapped in her own skin. She could say so many things, but she doesn't, and the weight of releasing it all might completely unravel her.
Megan nods, allowing Olivia to keep the unspeakable things bottled up. She merely places a comforting hand on the younger woman’s shoulder. “Be safe, Liv…and by the way, happy birthday.”
Olivia smiles, looking at the older woman curiously. “Who told you?”
“Cragen,” Megan says with a shrug. “He told me not to make a big deal out of it, but thought that I should know. I made you a cake and put it in the fridge. So go try and have a good time, and when you come back, we can cut into it.”
Olivia concedes defeat in having to go but offers to put Ella in her crib before she leaves. She studies her sleeping daughter for a moment, trying to memorize every little feature on her face. There was a point where she would have been terrified of being her mother, but Ella wouldn't know the same pain Olivia did. Ella would be loved no matter what, even if her list of potential fathers was becoming more complicated the more Olivia thought about it.
Olivia arrived at the restaurant 15 minutes later, where three empty glasses already occupied the table. As she approached her mother, another drink was placed in front of her. Olivia braced herself for what was about to come.
“Hi, Mom,” Olivia says as she pulls out her chair.
“Oh, there is that daughter of mine. Has it really been a year since I last saw you?” Serena asks, her words slurring together.
“Yes,” Olivia murmurs, trying not to remember what happened the last time they had met. It had ended up in a screaming match, with her falling into bed with the last person she should have been with.
“Still a prude about alcohol, I see,” Serena says, nodding towards the glass of water Olivia ordered.
Olivia wouldn't call it being a prude; she did enjoy alcohol. She just learned how to enjoy it in moderation, far away from her mother. Plus, she was still breastfeeding Ella, so it was completely out of the question. That was just something she wasn't going to explain.
“Just wanted water today,” Olivia says softly.
Her mother scoffs, rolling her eyes before asking, “What have you been up to over the last year?”
Olivia smiles, then excitedly talks about what she has accomplished. “I'm off probationary period at work, and now I'm officially a detective for the Special Victims Unit.”
Serena’s reaction turns everything in Olivia’s stomach sour. “I told you to let that whole idea go. You are letting that bastard and people like him control your life.”
Olivia feels the rage boil over before she can stop it. “I'm not letting anyone control me. I'm trying to help women like you. Can't you understand that? I can't stand what he did to you, and I want to make people like him pay.”
“It’s pointless, Olivia. He is gone, and you need to get over yourself,” Serena snips, drowning the rest of her drink before slamming it on the table. “I don't even know how they let you become a detective. You look gigantic compared to when I last saw you.”
Olivia struggles to bite back her retort. Serena isn't wrong necessarily. Olivia is still holding some of the baby weight from Ella and has been working to find a new workout routine. It was hard with a chaotic work schedule and a newborn. However, even with her added curves, it didn't mean that Serena had the right to treat her like this.
She stood up, slamming a twenty-dollar bill on the table. Her eyes glare daggers at her mother. “I have a little added weight because I was pregnant and gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. You will never know her, and she will never know of you. From this day on, you are dead to me.”
Olivia turns away before Serena can respond and goes back to the family that actually cares about her. Back at her apartment, she finds Megan still awake, watching her usual shows. Her eyes instantly grow concerned the more she looks at Olivia.
“That was quick. Did everything go okay, sweetheart?”
It’s not the nickname that catches Liv off guard; it's the way that it is used. The way that it wraps around Olivia like a warm hug. It’s the concern for her well-being from another person that she has never felt before.
Olivia is so overwhelmed by the emotion that she doesn’t respond with words, merely plops down on the couch next to Megan and begins to cry. Megan wraps her arms around the younger woman to pull her in close. She rocks Olivia back and forth gently until the crying eventually stops.
When Olivia finally pulls away, Megan moves to wipe tears from Olivia’s cheeks. “What happened, sweetheart?”
“I should have never gone. You have been more of a mother to me in one month than Serena has been in my whole life,” Olivia says as more tears slide down her face.
“Oh, honey,” Megan sighs. “Lay your head on my lap and let’s relax for a moment.”
Olivia moves to put her head on the pillow that Megan puts on her lap. Megan runs her hands through Olivia’s hair gently. They sit in silence for a while while Olivia calms herself down.
“Honey, I may not have been in your life when you needed it, but I'm here now. I'm always going to be here for you, okay?” She brushes away more of Olivia’s tears. “I don't know what happened between that woman and you, but I know what came after. You turned out to be an amazing woman who is an amazing mother. That is something to be proud of. And as long as you need me, I'll be here. Mama’s got you now.”
“Promise?” Olivia asks in a childlike whisper.
“I promise my sweet girl,” Megan reassures her, kissing her forehead.
Olivia’s next question makes Megan laugh. “Did you really make cake?”
“Yes, and we will have it for breakfast tomorrow. Now get some sleep.”
Olivia nods, turning her attention towards the TV. Within moments, she is fast asleep in Megan’s lap. Megan pulls the blanket tighter around Olivia and keeps watch until sleep pulls her under as well.
Five Months (Mar)
The shift to having Megan as a full-time mother was not a surprise to anyone in the precinct. It was merely the next progression of their relationship. The only person who seemed to question the relationship with Elliot.
He had gathered enough snippets in his partnership with Olivia to know that her mother was toxic. Cutting Serena off was not the thing that Elliot worried about. He had noticed a shift in Olivia the moment Megan came into her life. Olivia began to rely on Megan to bring her comfort instead of him, and it was bugging him more than he wanted to admit. He wasn't the only one uneasy, either.
This was made apparent when Megan was left alone with him. He was alone in the break room when she decided to make her move.
“So you are the partner Ella is named after,” She says with a slight bitterness to her tone.
Elliot turns toward her, clutching his mug. “That would be me.”
“And you have a wife and four kids?”
Elliot raises his eyebrow at the audacity of the older woman. “Last time I checked, yes.”
“You should keep it that way,” Megan says before reaching around him to make her own coffee.
“What are you implying, Megan?”
“I see the way you look at my daughter. I'm old, not stupid,” she snips. “You’re one of the most important people in her life, and we both know that isn't a position she gives to just anyone. Yet you can’t leave well enough alone.”
Elliot attempts to speak, but Megan cuts him off again. “You practically undress her with your eyes, but she isn't yours to have or claim. You have a wife. You have kids.” She glares at him. “If you really loved Olivia, you would know she can't accept half love. She needs someone who will be there for her and Ella unconditionally. You already have a family who demands that.”
She goes to leave, turning towards him. “Be her partner. Be her best friend. Or leave her alone. It’s better for everyone that way.”
Elliot is left staring after her as she returns to the bullpen. With one simple motion, Megan wraps one arm around Olivia’s shoulder and gives an adoring smile at Ella. It was a heartwarming moment between the tiny family. It made Elliot’s heart twist because, after all, Olivia did deserve better than he was able to give.
Six Months (Apr)
When spring finally reached New York City, it was apparent in the way flowers dotted every corner, and all the trees in Central Park were in full bloom. There were some cold days, but they were getting warmer every time. This warm weather allowed Olivia to find Ella and Megan in the park for lunch.
They would find a spot full of trees that was a little separated from the rest of the crowd. A blanket would get laid out, and Olivia would sit with Ella doing anything possible to make her laugh. Olivia and Megan would laugh extra hard when Ella would finally get herself into a sitting position. The movement would only last a couple of moments before she would fall back onto her belly.
After a particularly bad spill, Olivia would scoop Ella up before tears could start. Ella would always wrap her hand around the collar of Olivia’s shirt. If the tears still came, Olivia would blow raspberry kisses on her belly, making her laugh again. This went on until lunchtime was over, and Olivia had to go back to work. Olivia would always leave with a kiss on Megan’s cheek and one on Ella’s forehead.
On the days that Olivia couldn’t step away for their normal park routine, Megan would leave food on Olivia’s desk before returning home. It was a simple thing, but also the only reason that Olivia would eat some days.
The longer days had Olivia immediately seeking out the comfort of Ell when she would get home. She would take the little girl in her arms, twirling Ella high in the air until they were both laughing. Olivia then made sure she kept up a solid nighttime routine with Ella so that never once did Ella have to doubt that her mom loved her. It had become her only goal in life lately.
Then, when the apartment was quiet, and Megan had wandered back to her own home, Olivia would lie awake, realizing this is the happiest she has ever been. She had everything she dreamed of and more. She had a beautiful daughter who was healthy and growing quickly. Olivia had a woman who supported her like a mother and always had her back. At work, she had a partner who kept her safe. Her captain had become a father figure to her, and there was a squad full of people she cared for.
It helped to remember those things when the nightmares crept in, and she had to remember how to breathe.
reblog if you wanna be excluded from life to become a forest witch who writes gay fanfiction and watches fictional gay characters have their slow burn enemies to lovers arc unfolded from the woods instead
If you can’t find a place on your blog for Patrick Stewart in a bathtub dressed like a lobster, then your blog probably doesn’t deserve such majesty anyway.
Summary: Athena refuses to let the first date get ruined
Warnings: None
Previous Chapter-Next Chapter
Masterlist
1.2k
-~-
You had been looking forward to Friday all week. Work had been chaotic, and it had limited the time that you had been able to talk to Athena. You realized with some alarm that not being able to talk to her had only made the week worse. You were falling for this woman, and you hadn't even been on a first date.
A first date that was going to have to get canceled when you receive a text from your back up back up babysitter. The only option that you could try would be asking your sister, but that meant explaining where you were going. You didn't feel like defending yourself right now.
You decided to break the news to Athena quickly so you could go mope in sweatpants. She picks up on the first ring.
“Hi sweetheart, I'm excited to see you soon,” she says, making your heart flutter.
“About that,” you murmur. “My third babysitter just canceled, so I don't have anyone to watch Ella tonight.”
“Does Ella like Happy Meals?” Athena asks, and you are startled by the sudden change of subject.
“Yes..chicken nuggets…”
“I'll bring her one, and we can all have dinner together,” Athena says, but then her confidence wavers. “If that is something you are interested in.”
“Yes, I'm interested,” you giggle, suddenly seeing a little hope in the situation. “You aren't upset?”
“You and Ella are a package deal. I'm never going to be upset that you have to watch her,” Athena reassures you. “I'm happy to have dinner with y’all and then reschedule our date.” She pauses for a moment. “I just need to see you.”
You clutch the phone a little tighter at her words. “I need to see you, too.”
“Then I'll be there in an hour,” Athena says confidently. “See you soon, sweetheart.”
When she hangs up the phone, you turn to find Ella watching you from the doorway. You jump, almost tossing your phone at her sudden appearance.
“I should put a bell on you. You scared me, sweet girl,” you say as Ella laughs.
“Who was that?” She asks when she finally controls her giggles.
“Athena, she’s going to bring over dinner. Is that okay with you?” You ask suddenly, nervous that Ella will say no.
Instead, you watch as your daughter’s face lights up. She bounces from foot to foot. “Do you think she will stay to play games with us?”
“I'm sure you could ask her,” you smile.
-~-
An hour later, there is a knock on the door. You open it to a smiling Athena with an outfit that takes your breath away. She is in tight-fitting black cargo pants that are accompanied by a black puffy jacket. The jacket is partly unzipped to show a gray shirt underneath. It’s simple yet beautiful.
“Hi,” you finally stammer before looking at her full hands. You eye one particular brown bag. “Is that what I think it is?”
“Take out from your favorite restaurant? Yes,” Athena grins. “There was no way I was only bringing McDonald's.”
You are giggling before Ella runs down the hall and immediately throws herself at Athena. Athena moves back a half step to catch herself before grinning at the girl.
“Hi hun. I brought you some food,” Athena tells her and then adds in a whisper, “and a soda if your mom says it is okay?”
Still clinging to Athena, your daughter turns her eyes up to give you a pleading look. You nod, telling her it’s okay, which only makes her smile bigger. She helps Athena carry a bag to the dining room table and then takes off towards the bathroom to wash her hands.
Once Athena’s hands are emptied she turns around to hug you. At first, it catches you off guard, but then you melt into it, letting your hands wrap around her back. Athena doesn't say anything at first, just pulls you closer as she nuzzles into your neck.
Finally, she murmurs, “I missed you.”
You squeeze her as you reply, “I missed you more.”
She pulls away but still lingers close. “Thank you for letting me come over.”
You smile and squeeze her hand gently. “Thank you for still coming over. I really needed this.” You hear Ella starting to run down the hallway. “Hope you are ready for lots of board games after dinner.”
-~-
You can’t help but steal glances over at Athena as you eat dinner. It isn’t the type of date you expected to be having, but it still makes you smile. Athena listens to dozens of tales about her day from school, never once looking annoyed. She even tells Ella about her own kids and what they enjoyed during school. It is a dinner full of laughter and smiles that continue over to board games.
You lose track of how many different board games you play until Ella finally admits defeat and wanders off to bed. You follow her to make sure that she brushes her teeth and settles in before you go back into the living room. You find Athena wiping down the dining room table.
“Athena you don't have to do that.”
She merely smiles as she finishes what she was doing. “You let me crash a night with your daughter. The least I can do is pick up after.”
You pause a second before finally working up the courage to ask. “Do you want to stay for a while and watch a movie?”
Athena doesn't hesitate in her response. “That sounds wonderful.”
You pop a bag of popcorn before flicking on the TV. Athena sits down on the couch hesitating before sliding to sit next to you. You smile and lean against her as you put on some rom com you have been meaning to get around to watching. As the opening scene rolls Athena pulls the blanket off the back and drapes it around both of you.
Your hand seeks hers out below the blanket. She takes it with a small squeeze. Her thumb gently traces the back of your hand.
“You know I have never been on a date with a woman before,” she admits.
“Well now you have,” you grin.
Athena turns to look at you with a raised eyebrow. “I thought we had to reschedule our date?”
You shrug looking down at your intertwined hands. “We had dinner together, played board games together, and now are watching a movie cuddling. I would consider that very first date like don't ya think?”
“First date for sure,” Athena agrees. “We can consider the next one our second date.”
“Now that is an idea I can get behind, you giggle.
It’s the laughter that sets Athena over. Your brows crinkle and you grin in a way that sends her heart racing.
“I wasn't going to do this today but I have been thinking about it for weeks and I have to know,” Athena whispers before leaning forward to kiss you.
It’s soft and quicker than you would have liked but it has the desired effect. Your head spins and you work desperately to catch your breath. You keep your forehead pressed against hers.
“What have you been trying to figure out?” You ask finally.
Athena laughs then. “I told Hen I wanted to know what your lips taste like.”
You squeeze her hand before nuzzling back against her. “And what do they taste like?”
I think ao3 is literally the only site where no censorship means no censorship. you can post the most vile things on there — things that will get taken down on any other platforms — and ao3 will protect you, your works, and your rights to create whatever you want, however you want.
and no, this isn’t me saying “write that messed up, disgusting thing” because while, yes, write it if it’s what you want (I myself enjoy writing dark fics, something I believe would be considered “vile” to a lot of people), this is me saying in a world of censorship and capitalism, ao3 really is a treasure.
everybody say thank you ao3
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