Random Ramblings July 19th: The story about a girl.
Yeah I’m not gonna turn this into to one of those: “I have the best girl in the world” or
“I Love this girl but we can’t be together.”
Bullshit stories, fucking all of them.
But this is about a girl still, Lets call ger S. This girl took my world by storm. She Is the closest I have ever had to a safe person for my panic attacks (look it up if you don’t know what the fuck I’m talking about). And just generally is a great human being. I do know I love her just don’t know if it’s a friendly love or a romantic one (yes there is a difference get with the times people).
What am I about to complain about?
But let’s back up a little bit here. I’m gonna tell the story of how I fell for her. How I asked her out. And talk about how all I can think about now is the moment she said no.
A generall warning, my description is gonna sound romantic. Looking back there was zero romance involved (I think). Or is this description only romantic in my head?!?!??
So I get this offer to record my friends band. I say yes. And it’s during these recording sessions I got to know her somewhat. In the studio and “work environment” she is kinda shy, really quiet. And she came across as this type of introverted character. Well I fell for her. But not in the actual studio itself. But all the time we spent outside the studio. After a long day of recording S. And I would sit and just talk she would open up and I got to se a whole other side of her. Not her shy and sort of introverted persona the one where she is telling stories and jokes. We wouldn’t take the same bus home but our buses did share the same platform. So what happened after a while was that she and I would sit there and wait for the bus. After one or two times where we would just sit there and talk she said. “I’m gonna take the next one.” To which I replied. “As long as you’re here I’m here.” There is roughly 30 minuts between every bus. She skipped that one as well as the next one and took the third one home. During all of this time we are talking, telling horrible jokes (we have a similar sense of humour) and just enjoying each others company. Or at least I was enjoying hers.
This happened repeatedly and for every time we spoke I felt like she opened up even more and I opened up to her she knows things I have NEVER shared with anyone else. I never dared talk about it before her.
She is an amazing soul. Don’t get me wrong she is beautiful, she has a big smile that makes me smile whenever I see it. But I didn’t fall for her looks, I feel for her soul.
So yeah at this point I’m crushing on her big time (NO FUCKING SHIT?!?).
Then I left town for a bit to get away and visit family in friends in my mothers home country.
Where out of the blue she started texting me. And the whole. Sharing and talking like we did waiting on the bus continued. We texted a lot (I think, where does the line go for like sending texts to sending a lot of texts go?). I think I fell for her more even then if it is possible.
When I got back I asked her out which I can say honestly. I have met my biggest idol in life. Joe from Gojira I have never been as nervous as those few seconds before I opened my mouth to ask for a picture with him. This was more nervracking to be honest.
We had been out with a couple of friends they decided to bail to go and smoke some weed. We kept on walking around talking some what (just a few word or phrases we were TIRED). And just watching the sun rise over the bay. The sun is reflecting in the beautiful water as the city is coming to life and all the shadows from every corner of every house is taking shape on the sidewalk.
This time I didn’t wait with her I could see how tired she was she didn’t really have the energy to socialise. Slightly drunk at 4 o'clock in the morning (who knew). So we said good bye and off I went. I got about 50 meters from the bus stop (keep in mind we hade spent hours together I still hadn’t asked her out). I turned my ass around went back down, taped her on the shoulder and said: “I forgot somethig.” I asked her out there and then.
She didn’t have an answer so we would talk about it later.
Fast forward a couple of days. We are back in the studio heading out for something to eat and on the way back from the sushi place she said no.
I am repeating that in my brain as we speak it’s the only thing I think about when I wake up, it’s eating me up inside. At the same time I am really happy. I got my answer, sure it isn’t the answer I was hoping for. But in a month I’m gonna feel 10 times better than I would do if I never asked her out and just sat and fantasised about her saying yes. (Or maybe more likely one time better at least)
Now we get to the real part of this story.
I don’t hold anything against her. I still care about her and only want her to be happy.
I don’t blame me either really……
I only find myself thinking: “But if I would have done this, or this? Maybe she would like me.”
That would mean being someone else. I don’t do that really well.
Seriously ask my old acting teacher (I fucking stink at acting).
What do I have to complain about?
Well the fact that I have made a promise to myself to never fall in love (stupid I know, fuck you). And still this happens. Love is wonderful and great but I figure it’s not for me. I don’t love myself enough to to love anyone else (truly). So why did this happen??
I haven’t been interested enough in anyone else for years. And now this.
I grew up in a hose hold were feelings should be ignored and replace with rational thinking. So just from that alone this bugs me. My parents love each other and the show affection openly. But feelings shouldn’t control your decision. Rational thinking should.
I can’t help these feelings I realise that but. An on/off switch for this particular one wouldn’t be wrong. Over the years I have learnt to ignore: happiness/excitement and pain. Not physical but emotional pain.
I don’t think I’m supposed to be loved.
Maybe I am I’m just to stupid to see it whatever the fuck is wrong with me that every single girl I have asked out has said no. I just to joke around and say “I have a no-list.” A list of all the people who has said no. It’s actually just more of a number more than an actual list of names.
annaxmalina
titsay
gummygunk
stormborns
snowghoul
germansingergirl
pixelskylines
discoholicmusic
