Girls in beanies.
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@gimmethewholeenchilada
Girls in beanies.
Probably triggered by last night's group therapy
Trauma-type nightmare last night. Felt awful but every time I went back to sleep my mind kept going back to it. Children reenact trauma scenes over & over and add their own acceptable solution as a way to cope & make sense of what happened. Wonder if this is a form of what my brain was doing last night only 13 years later... Now I just need a hug, cozy blanket, some tea, & to be quiet next to someone who loves me.
I'm on edge today.
We woke up this morning at 4:24Am to the sound of 5 gunshots close enough to be in our own front yard. Aka inches away from where our children sleep.
Tyler was freaked out. He could barely go back to sleep. Within an hour he watched our security cameras fill up with police lights, detouring traffic and a quiet investigation. Sadly, this isn’t new or alarming in our neighborhood and once I checked both boys were ok and our house wasn’t involved in the shooting, I went back to sleep and moved on with my day, pissed and frustrated with how unsafe our own neighborhood is but feeling helpless, since we can’t move until his parents sell their house (it’s a long story).
This afternoon Tyler scoured the security footage and very clearly caught an image of a car with an arm extended from the passengers window with what definitely looks like a gun in their hand pointed straight at the houses. Literally just shooting at our fences, like they’re trying to terrorize us.
I saw the picture, called our local precinct and left a message that we may be able to help find the shooters.
This shooting, along with several others like it, never ever even make our local news because no one was hurt, no one was caught, and no one called the police. Just a quiet 4am Monday morning act of violence to remind the affluent families living amongst the not so fortunate that they’re not welcome, not safe, and not special because of our fences and security efforts.
Our neighbors have bulletholes in our fences. If it had been our fence, had they shot through the brick, it would have gone through my boys’ window. Or, through my closet and into my body since I sleep on the street side of the bed and our master is level with the street… So I guess it depends on if they aimed high or low. Either way it makes me feel really fucking awful about our neighborhood in general, but also in the state this country has been in for the past God knows how long now, that we all have beef we feel compelled to settle by getting altered and shooting guns at each other.
What the fuck are we even doing. How am I even involved? What role do I play in all of this? Where do I even stand? I have no idea. Guns scare the shit out of me and I wish people weren’t walking around with them, but I also don’t think making owning guns illegal is going to solve anything either. I always come back to parenting. It starts at home. It must. How do you raise a person to become so disconnected with themselves and with others that this is the way to cope with anything?! How do we get there?
Having a really hard time trying to find my place in all of this. And trying to talk myself into the Christmas spirit. Or prepare for my kids’ birthday on Saturday. I feel incredibly distracted, disillusioned. I feel ugly and bitchy and impatient. I am having a hard time seeing through the crap and looking at the bright side. It might also be that I need some sunshine and this was the shortest day of the year. Or maybe because a fucking stranger shot bullets too close to my house for comfort and I want these people to just go away.
Sending big hugs. I cannot imagine - and we live in an urban area where this could happen.
Favorite part of one of my favorite movies.
Mine too!!!!!
Whether we like it or not, we are puppets of our emotions. We make complex decisions by consulting our feelings, not our thoughts. Against our best intentions, we substitute the question, “What do I think about this?” with “How do I feel about this?” So, smile! Your future depends on it.
Rolf Dobelli, The Art of Thinking Clearly (via wnq-anonymous)
Fred Rogers Acceptance Speech - 1997
legendary.
I’m tearing up.
Be responsible for the energy you bring.
(via purplebuddhaproject)
Since starting my journey in therapy and doing the group therapy thing, my suffering has eased a bit and in that, made space for other aspects of my life that I’d like to improve. First being my friendships. When I’m being hyper-critical of myself, I’ll say that I use people up and then move on. I don’t believe it’s actually this bad, but I do have a historic habit of looking to my friends to fill up the empty/confusing/lacking places in my life...and I don’t know how much I actually give back. Knowing that I’ve been going through some serious crud the past few years and have been especially self absorbed, I’m sure I haven’t been giving much back at all. As you can imagine, I do not have many friends, either online or in person. I am encouraged lately by looking at my own role in the build of my life and decided to take that approach to the few friends I do have...that have been pulling away. I wrote two this morning. I wrote in the spirit of Christmas, to thank them for their gift of friendship, and to take responsibility for using them as my therapist, sharing way too much with them, and bringing negativity in to their lives when all they wanted was a reciprocal friend. I’m sure one of the two will not know what to do with this kind of admission or apology and that’s okay. I might lose them both, which will make me sad and will add them to the long list of those that that have moved on, but at least I am owning the energy that I bring. These two heartfelt letters are the starting point to making lasting friendships where I bless those that choose to spend time with me as much as they bless me.
Pregnancy and chiropractic care
My chiro taped my belly today and wooo! The relief!! She said it helps even at 40 weeks.
My Best Books of 2015
Hi friends. 2015 was a good reading year. These are my favorites:
Fiction:
Preparation for the Next Life by Atticus Lish (Review)
A Little Life by Hanya Yanagihara (Review)
Kitchens of the Great Midwest by J. Ryan Stradal (Review)
Bull Mountain by Brian Panowich (Review)
Nonfiction:
How to Cook a Moose by Kate Christensen (Review)
Missoula: Rape and the Justice System in a College Town by Jon Krakauer (Review)
Chasing the Scream: The First and Last Days on the War on Drugs by Johann Hari (Review)
Skyfaring: A Journey with a Pilot by Mark Vanhoenacker (Review)
There was very little middle ground with fiction this year: I mostly either loved what I read or found it just okay. These four, though–wow. They’re so different, but they’re all emotional, readable, and unforgettable.
Preparation for the Next Life is an intense read, not unlike A Little Life. Both these books tore me apart. I felt the characters and their struggles in an emotionally-gutted, visceral way. And the connection I had to these stories went deep: I thought about both books for weeks after I’d finished them. They’re difficult reads in that way, and also because both are rather lengthy (A Little Life puts George R.R. Martin to shame). Still, if you can make the time, please put these on your list.
Kitchens of the Great Midwest and Bull Mountain are very different than the other two. They’re designed to entertain and they do–they really do. The former is just a beautiful, sweet story, constructed so cleverly that you can’t help but smile by the end. Bull Mountain, on the other hand, is just packed with suspense and violence. Of everything I read this year, this book captured and held my attention in the most obnoxious–but wonderful–way. I don’t think I let go of this until I finished it. (Cooking while reading is not advisable.) Anyway, the story is heart-pounding and the twists are fantastic and hard to see coming. Really amazing story-telling.
I read a lot of fantastic, informative nonfiction this year too, but Missoula and Chasing the Scream easily topped the last. Missoula is hard to read, but it’s important to, if you can. I was skeptical of a man handling this topic at first, though I’ve always loved Krakauer’s books. I needn’t have worried: Missoula puts a grim spotlight on our country’s rape culture and its influence on the criminal justice system. Krakauer is careful with the victims he follows, and allows them to tell their stories honestly and compassionately. We feel for them, for ourselves, for our friends, daughters, and acquaintances. Chasing the Scream is a bit of a whistle-blowing operation in the same way Missoula is. Neither the drug wars or rape culture are new topics per se, but both books come at the issues in a way that allows us to internalize and bring more attention to them. Chasing the Scream, about the murky origins of America’s drug laws, and the devastating trickle-down effect they’ve had since their start, is a book of horrors and questions. Some chapters, the ones in drug-laden Mexican cities particularly, are violent beyond imagining. The genius of this book is how effortlessly Hari takes one of the most complex legal and cultural issues of our time and breaks it down into logical, comprehensible chapters. Ultimately, he offers a few possible solutions, while acknowledging the futility and frustration that exists even trying to posit them to the reader. Really amazing book.
How to Cook a Moose is very different: part culinary memoir, part personal journal. Christensen writes beautifully about her life, her loves, and the food that she eats along the way. It’s not groundbreaking territory, but she has a lovely way with words that makes this really enjoyable. I feel similarly about Skyfaring. It’s not a flight manual, but more of a longform poem about the mystery and magic of humans taking flight. It’s calming to read, almost meditative, and the imagery that he evokes–talking about the topography of the earth below his cockpit window, for example–is fantastic.
Well! That sums up my favorites. I hope you read and enjoyed some of the same ones this year.
In addition to these, I read many more that I loved, a few that I really liked, and a good number that I read and would not recommend. Find those after the cut. If you’d like to see my lists from previous years, click here: 2014, 2013, 2012, 2011. To read my full reviews, you can browse back here.
Keep reading
For the record @jaclynday, I LURV books (shout out to your other post) and Bull Mountain was a great recommendation from you! Happy Holidays to you and yours!
Hosting a Caroling Party
We're hosting an old fashioned caroling party this Sunday. I'm so excited! It's kid centered and we're only planned to sing 4 songs. Sometime this week, I'm going to walk a few blocks and talk to neighbors to see if they'll open their doors for us. After caroling for about 30 minutes, we'll have goodies! I'll even set up a little Christmas cocoa(tea) party for the kids with the tiny tea pot and plates and cups. The weather is supposed to be in the mid fifties for lows, so it'll be perfect! MENU -crock pot hot cocoa -coffee -homemade chex mix -Trader Joe's holiday cookies -TJ's Salted Caramel Bread Pudding -homemade pecan pie
Tis the season
For self care. Don't let the overwhelm go too far. Take a time out for a walk, a chat with a cathartic friend, or some relaxing massage/yoga/acupuncture.
Whoops
Husband looked at the bank statement and said I've been naughty. I totally know. $$$$$$
We love and miss you, Mya. You are on my mind every day.
Stress. (And maybe some stream of consciousness)
It started with my jaw. The TMJ is acting up. The main tells are: I don’t sleep as soundly, am wound tight all day and there’s a little more tightness in my shoulders, neck and chest. Now, my patience is wearing thin with E and Husband and I’m standing in the shadow of the Tower of “To-dos” and “Should dos”. I am extremely overwhelmed.
Stress. So common. I need to give it it’s due. Stress is a motherfucker. And when left unattended, it will wreak crazy havoc all over me. So In-laws are keeping E from tomorrow early am to Thursday late afternoon. I’m going to use the free time to think and process, get my nails done, organize all the crazy christmas crap, do a little decoration shopping, and maybe some yoga. Also, I have an appointment with Dr. K, my therapist.
I want to think that Dr. K can really help me with game plans and solutions to move past what I’m experiencing - feeling left out, alone, not good enough to have close long term friendships, a poor housekeeper, a mean momma. I hope I can aptly communicate with him in our sesh tomorrow.
I believe dropping the expectations I have for myself and focusing on what matters - loving my family - primarily, will lead me to happier days. I’m afraid to let go that much because if my best is this poor, I'm afraid of what letting go will look like.
I can let go of the housework burden. It's a way I push away from Ellie. "I have responsibilities. I have to get this chore list done!" I can’t ever have a clean house. I can never reach that. Husband lovingly blames the lack of square footage. I believe if I were capable enough, I’d have it all in its sensible space. If I let the burden of just that go, how messy will it get? And then will that lead to more overwhelm? Maybe. Will i die from feeling overwhelmed? I guess the answer to that is “no”. It won’t kill me.
But stress will.
I gotta let some more stuff go and make space for more love.
Kinda felt left out at my family’s thanksgiving this year (today). Don’t know if I care too much, but right now, it's not that cool.
Every DIY tutorial ever.