Healing Hurts

2023;

[authenticity2025]

apologies are pointless to me now. change your ways or get the fuck outta my way.

[screamon-deactivated20230625]

natasha trethewey

[gingerbeauty94]

I’m learning to stand up for myself and part of doing that means that I have to let go of people and things that are causing me more harm than good. Unfortunately that means letting you go. I don’t want to say goodbye to you, I don’t want to lose you but I have to because you not wanting to make things serious is hurting me. Knowing that you don’t love me anymore at least not in the same way that I love you really upsets me. I meant when I said forever & always, I wanted to be your princess, your baby girl. The one that you got to come home to after work and know that the only thing you’d ever have to worry about with me was if I was gonna run out of gas or if I’d eaten that day or not. Truthfully that’s all you’d ever have to wonder with me and maybe if somebody hurt my feelings because I’m a little sensitive at times as I’m sure you’re already aware.

I just wanted you and your time. Not your money, nor gifts of any sort, I didn’t need dates that cost anything either, I would’ve been just fine sitting under the sky looking at the clouds or at the stars. I’m really just that simple. As long as I’m with you that’s all that matters to me. I miss the hell out of you lately and I’m not sure how things are gonna play out now but know that I’m still always going to be here for you if you need me but I’m done playing games with you. I’m done pretending that I can just be friends with you because we both know I can’t.

[gingerbeauty94]

The pain of losing somebody that you didn’t quite lose because you unintentionally started pushing them away without even realizing it. When you’re hurting you end up hurting those around you without even trying to. I just hope that you don’t ever have to go through the same things I’m going through and have nobody on your side like I’ve had. All I ever wanted was for somebody to want to stay and walk through hell with me. Somebody that would help me fight me demons. I just wanted somebody to know me and love me despite the pain I was going through.

[gingerbeauty94]

I don’t understand how somebody can tell you they love you and then turn around and prove just the opposite with their actions. I get long distance is hard, that it will take literally everything you have in you to not give up but sometimes you have to. I don’t believe in words anymore, words that I’ve been told so many times before for them to just be empty words in the end. It hurts when the one you love the most doesn’t love you the same but that’s how it is sometimes. Sometimes no matter how much you want it or how much you care some people aren’t meant to stay in your life for a long time. They show you what you need, they love you in their lives because of what you offer them and then when you’re no longer an asset they toss you away and end up teaching you a lesson instead. It is what it is.

[gingerbeauty94]

It hurts, more than words can ever explain when you finally give yourself to somebody and start letting your walls down, only to have to build them back up again because they are just as bad if not worse than the person before. Why I’m not good enough I’ll never know. Am I too much? Whatever it is this was the last time that I get close to anybody.

[gingerbeauty94]

Winter time sucks the most tbh it’s like I try my best but everything is just falling apart around me. I wonder when it will end and when the next day is just as bad as the one before I think that maybe this is it. Maybe this is the day that I finally let the intrusive thoughts win and drive right into the river where my truck would just sink to the bottom and who would ever even care? My kids of course but that’s just about it honestly. I’m a morning in this world, I’m second best to everyone if I’m lucky. More than likely probably the last though. I always am and always will be. I feel as if I need to break down and cry and I have no idea why when I should be riding above everything and persevering. I have failed my children, I don’t even have my own place to live anymore but I have set goals for that to be my #1 priority this coming year. Somehow in someway if that’s the only thing I manage to accomplish I’m going to do everything in my power to make it happen.

[gingerbeauty94]

There will always be a part of me that wishes I could go back and change things to the way they used to be. When life was simpler and people were there for you when you needed them and not just the other way around. The truth is though that certain events had to happen to lead up to where I am now. Not that where I am now is where I want to be but it’s where I needed to be in order for me to realize that I can’t continue to live this way. Following orders from everybody else to do this or that when it’s not what I want to do. It’s made me value my own privacy and to never take for granted the little things that seem mundane but in reality are so nice to be able to do on your own. Because that’s what I am. I am on my own, no matter how many people say they are with me and that they support me I am truly alone in the day to day life of being a mother, a college student and a worker. I don’t have anybody else to support me or hype me up on my accomplishments. It’s all on me and I have to learn to love myself and stop getting into my own head about that.

[yousaveeveryonebutwhosavesyou]

[gingerbeauty94]

Only all the time…

[gingerbeauty94]

Note to self. Don’t make an effort with anybody unless they can and are willing to make the same effort back with you. You’re only gonna get your heart broken in the end otherwise. You can only do so much before you start to feel like you aren’t good enough anymore and that is a feeling that nobody ever wants to feel.

[quotemadness]

“I think I’ve always been half out of my shell and half in. Sometimes I can be extremely wild and sometimes I can be extremely shy. It just depends on the day.”

— Emile Hirsch

[gingerbeauty94]

What nobody tells you is that the pain you feel after finally letting go of the person you wanted your whole life but couldn’t have, it’s not as bad as the pain you’ll feel when you’ve finally let somebody else in only to discover they were the same. Words don’t mean anything unless there’s action behind them so trust your gut instinct when it comes to making a decision. The heart just wants to love but your gut and your brain will be right every damn.

[remanence-of-love]

[gingerbeauty94]

Why was I never the one that was good enough?! Years spent together meant nothing to you but it did to me. I fell hard and fast but I meant everything I said and all the feelings I showed you. Why was she the one you decided was worth the effort? Why was she the one that you settled for in the end? I’m not sure if you were worried about losing me or what it was but I’m afraid of losing me because I’m still so lost in you. I’m glad we had the time to talk when we did because I needed it. I needed to know you truly were happy with the way it all turned out.

[gingerbeauty94]

Never let the past back in. It’s only going to haunt you every waking moment and sometimes in your dreams until you let it go again.

[stay-close]

“People change, no use getting sentimental about it. Move on, find someone else.”

— David Nicholls, One Day

[gingerbeauty94]

When you can put somebody else’s happiness over your own no matter how much you’re hurting because of it. Thats when you know you’ve become the bigger person. How you know that you’ve matured enough to say I know that this is gonna hurt but I’m so glad that you are happy. That you are gonna be there for them no matter what because you don’t just give up on somebody you love. You don’t just say hey I see you over there happy and shit and I’m done with you. No, you stand back and let them do their thing and be with who they want to be with and if something goes wrong you’re there to be a shoulder for them to cry on. So even though this may be the beginning of an end I’ll always be there whenever you need me. Through thick and thin I’m here to fight your demons beside you.