The Ramblings of an Insomniac

[gingerquakes]

My final act of love

Will be leaving you alone

So you never have to deal

With me asking too many questions.

I'm sorry I ruin everything.

I was never really worth it anyways.

[gingerquakes]

Another sunrise

Another day

Where I'll never be

Enough.

[gingerquakes]

I think I've finally hit the bottom.

Ive fallen through the floor, the ceiling

I've blown out the windows.

Why couldn't you just leave me where I lay?

[gingerquakes]

Just once I'd like to be enough.

I'd like to be the reason to stay.

The "no thanks, I'm good"

I'd like my heart to mean something

Somewhere, at some point in time.

Not just a cliff note in someone's story

Or a tattered bookmark, forgotten

Waiting to be discarded.

Why is it so hard?

I don't understand.

Are people made to be this way?

No loyalty, no shame.

What am I made for?

A prop. A stepping stone.

A place holder. A fool.

[gingerquakes]

[gingerquakes]

As the sun crests over these lonely hills

Your hands find me

A subtle reminder I'm not alone

Your kiss breaks dawn

Your touch fades the moon

As the night settles back to sleep

I lay close pondering

If loneliness will find me again

See love is a fickle thing

Time has taken its toll.

For I am like the moon, cratered

Destined to be forever changing

Laying in wait for the sun

Trapped by day, loose in the night

I'm not even worth staying awake for.

Yet here I am amongst the stars

Hoping the rays of love

Continue to shine down on me.

I am but a figment of the darkness

A shrine to lover's lost.

The howl to the night sky,

Sounds of waves crashing in the deep

As the sun crests over these lonely hills

Your hands find me.

[disc90s]

ah i’d sit beside it forever... quietly loving it, gently watering it, and making sure it never felt alone 🥺

[gingerquakes]

I loved a flower so much,

That instead of plucking it

I left it alone,

To bask in the sunlight

Weather out the summer storms,

It grew and thrived

Such a beautiful sight to see

I often ponder

If that beautiful flower

Could be like me.

[whendidmythoughtsgocrazy]

And if I'm meant to be alone, please take away my desire to be loved.

k.b. // unknown

[gingerquakes]

For I can no longer take the ache

Of a constantly broken heart.

[gingerquakes]

What a beautiful thing it must be to be seen.

I often contemplate how it must feel to be seen through the static.

Through the constant buzz and dings, glowing screens and replays.

How does it feel to be marveled like a sunset bursting in colors.

Or perhaps to be gazed upon like a full moon bursting with admiration and light.

To be silently understood like a picturesque view of the mountains on a sunny day. The quiet of the lake, the feel of grass beneath your feet, with the occasional visit of wildlife amongst the wildflowers.

What it must be like to be seen, in detail.

To just be and be admired for it.

What a beautiful feeling it must be.

[gingerquakes]

Some of us thrive in the darkness, because we are the light.

[paper-wounds]

[gingerquakes]

I feel it in the spaces between the words 

The pause before the calculation,

The elevated tones and depth of your voice

I can feel the deceit, heavy in the air 

Like the demons in my brain slithering 

Out of my ears to slide their grimy fingers

Around my throat, like a noose.

I just want to be enough for once. 

To be the choice, and not a consolation.

I want to know what love feels like.

To be seen outright and still "it" 

To find comfort in honesty, laid foundation 

To build a home of peace and care 

A deep breathe after a long day, safe. 

I just want to be unforgivably genuine. 

To be someone's someone. 

What a dream, someone's someone

[gingerquakes]

Blackbird

Thorns entwine the rotted golden gates, sealing away her every crave, need and thought.   Concise and calculated layers of stone stacked along the perimeters, fortifying any visions of entry into extinction.  Abandoned vines delicately lace the faces of stones, a gentle tease that slithers up and over the wall into the sweet delirium of her heart.  Through the cracks of the slotted gates you can peek and witness pieces of deep scarlet rose bushes, sprouting wildly and untamed.   They lay glistening in the moonlight.  Pilfering all attempts of love that may sneak pass the lonesome wall.  A neverending darkness sweeps her fortress, a praise and worship to the moon’s earthly shine.  A shrine to all of night itself and its blooming beauty to which the sun murders in envy, my every morning.  So here I sleep, serenading her stars, the leftover kisses from the universe.  I selfishly pretend I have the undivided attention of things that creep here. Mumbling words of intimacy and lush covet, I imagine I feed her roses red with flattery.  I pray to the moon, that she, my most wanted being, shoots silent smiles towards me. Through the soft wind, whisps of words flutter through, as she sings “No one seems to love or understand me, And all the hard luck stories they keep handing me, Where somebody shines the light, I’ll be coming on home tonight, Bye, bye Blackbird.”  My blackbird, here I lie, A prisoner of a prisoner.  A captive of a nightmare turned dream. I, too have discovered why the cage bird sings.

[gingerquakes]

Sitting in the storms feels like home.  

I can empathize with the thunder.

Booms of rage echo through the valleys 

Sprawling green and lush, still. 

I can share in the magnification of lightening

Unapologetic strikes flash boldly 

There's a beauty to the silence 

Before the sky cracks wide open.

I fall in tune with the raindrops

Singing the earth's and wind's praise 

Drips of heaven, hushing the plains 

Gathering in puddles, mother's holy water. 

I sit in the storm in search of peace 

Clarity from the Earth, come back to me. 

Bare my roots, to the wet dirt, bury me. 

So that I may began again, and bloom

[gingerquakes]

You'll never be good 

You'll never be good 

YOULL NEVER BE GOOD ENOUGH 

echos in my head 

I want so badly to reach out 

Grasp your hand 

To believe in the love 

You provide for me

To fall into your embrace 

And know, KNOW that

I am finally safe. 

When I reach, I'm just short,

When I fall, I miss, 

And I can't breathe. 

I can't breathe. 

I'll never be good enough.

[gingerquakes]

Maybe in another universe 

I'm snuggled with love 

And handled with care 

Maybe someone chooses me first 

And I'm not left wondering 

Why knowing me more,

Always leads to loving me less. 

I'll be left broken hearted

To be always the bigger person.

That's my burden in this timeline. 

Give, love, heal, hurt, carry on. 

[gingerquakes]

Gasping pleas of a broken heart

I DONT CARE ANYMORE

She screamed in fits of rage,

Plunged her bloodied fingers

In between the ribs of "Adam's" emptied cage

Ripped out the useless muscle

And tossed it to the Earth.

It's gone, she cried, peace at last,

She softened at her baby's sigh

The pain dulled, faded.

Baby's snuggled in, dreaming far away

Another heartless mother born

She cradled her child with care

One foot in front of the other 

A modern warrior made.