One in a Million

Mama, teacher, truth-seeker, metastatic breast cancer THRIVER, creative, protector of children, lover of words, nature is my religion, and dancing makes everything better...

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Thank you to my friends and family and community who insta-rallied from my last post. I open to your love and support. I send gratitude to all those who have been with me and are still with me through this long walk home. I love you all.

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My mom, step-dad, sister, and niece are visiting. My mom and niece are staying for a while this summer. I wanted this to happen and made it so. Now that it is happening it's been, and remains, incredibly #stressful. So much so that before my sister flew back to Alaska yesterday, we created a contingency plan in case I can't handle it. And Holy Fuck I want to be able to handle it. I am breathing deep and reminding myself that it's a transition and we will get to a place of rhythm. • • The stress comes from many areas. The timing is hard because we still have a couple weeks left of school and my son is graduating from 8th grade so there is extra everything going on with that. I'm keeping it simple on the home front, but have been (usually) happily helping in my son's class. We are almost there! • • The timing on the cancer front is extra stressful because it's scan time and likely will be time for a treatment change. My #tumormarker is still increasing and who knows what the scans will show. I've used up my lifetime limit of PET scans, and I'm now allergic to the contrast dye used in #CTscans so a non-contrast CT will be ordered. CT scans don't pick up all the little spots in the same way as #PETscans do. • • I am doing all I can to stay #calm and #grounded. Yet having numerous conversations about #deathanddying with my family has opened many portals of #grief in each other and it's fucking intense. It felt like we were bleeding out with grief at one point. Oh, and I can still barely eat due to the #histamineintolerance issues flaring. I am losing weight. Not good. In this moment, I wish I had a chef, house-cleaner, handyman, chauffeur, and babysitter. Oh, and money, lots and lots of money. Instead, I will #breathe and #trust and #love and #beherenow in #gratitude for all that I do have.

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It's been busy with my kids and upcoming graduation from the #Waldorf school we have been a part of for the last ten years. • • I've been #pressingon through #histamineintolerance food issues that are flaring, likely due to the intense seasonal allergies going on this spring in #northernCalifornia. My #histamine bucket is full. I've not dealt with #seasonalallergies before, so I am clueless about that and how my body responds. But responding it is. I'm sure the weekly #chemo and supposedly #incurable #cancer are also playing their heavy roles. • • I am now managing my small #appetite where almost everything I eat causes a #foodreaction. I don't even know what to do and have walked into three grocery stores and left holding back tears of #stress, #anxiety, and #overwhelm. And some of my family is coming for the long weekend, which I am excited for, yet now I can't eat or go outside without reactions. • • Come on #Earthsuit, I'm nowhere near done yet!! I've got #living left to do with his #MoreTime that has come my way. Thank goodness for #cannabisoil. I am still crediting my use of #ricksimpson type oil with my not having to be on #opiates or other #painmeds. I also feel and know #intuitively that the #cannabis is helping with #inflammation. • • #ChronicRelief (P.S. Chronic Relief is a fantastic book about using cannabis for chronic and terminal illnesses.) #metsmonday #metastaticbreastcancer #marijuanaismedicine #cannabisforcancer #medicalmaryjane #plantmedicine #deathanddying #griefandloss #parentingwithcancer #dyingnotdying (P.P.S. This is a term I love from the book #DieWise. Another book that is helping me immensely. Read it. And if you are blessed to be strong and healthy in your Earthsuit, then live what #stephenjenkinson is trying to show us, and our culture may start to shift out of the #deathphobia that pervades everything.)

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It's been busy with my kids and upcoming graduation from the #Waldorf school that we have been a part of for the last ten years. • • I've been #pressingon through #histamineintolerance food issues that are flaring, likely due to the intense seasonal allergies going on this spring in #NorthernCalifornia. My #histamine bucket is full. I've not dealt with #seasonalallergies before, so I am clueless about that and how my body responds. But responding it is. I'm sure the weekly #chemo and supposedly #incurable #cancer are also playing their heavy roles. • • I am now managing my small #appetite where almost everything I eat causes a #foodreaction. I don't even know what to do and have walked into three grocery stores and left holding back tears of #stress, #anxiety, and #overwhelm. And some of my family is coming for the long weekend coming up, which I am excited for, yet now I can't eat or go outside without strong reactions, like my throats swelling up. • • Come on #Earthsuit, I'm nowhere near done yet!! I've got #living left to do with this #MoreTime that has come my way. Thank goodness for #cannabisoil. I am still crediting my use of #ricksimpson type oil with my not having to be on #opiates or other #painmeds. I also feel and know #intuitively that the #cannabis is helping with #inflammation. • • #ChronicRelief (P.S. Chronic Relief is a fantastic book about using cannabis for chronic and terminal illnesses.) #metsmonday #metastaticbreastcancer #marijuanaismedicine #cannabisforcancer #medicalmaryjane #plantmedicine #deathanddying #griefandloss #parentingwithcancer #dyingnotdying (P.P.S. This is a term I love from the book #DieWise. Another book that is helping me immensely. Read it. And if you are blessed to be strong and healthy in your Earthsuit, then live what #stephenjenkinson is trying to show us, and our culture may start to shift out of the #deathphobia that pervades everything.)

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It's four days post my 26th #chemo. • • Let's, slow that down for a moment--26 weeks of chemo. Whew....that's half-a-year of #moretime. Half-a-year of #coldcapping. I still have my hair!! That's half-a-year of more kisses and stories and cuddles with my children. Half-a year of being able to listen to them, hear them breathe, watch their class plays, witness them jump and run in their strong and healthy bodies, play music, laugh, question, and to just be with them. • • One thing that is certain in my heart is that spending time with young people--my own children and all the others I am honored to know and continue to witness their growth--is my greatest joy. Recognizing the incredible intelligence and creativity wrapped up within these young beings brings me comfort. These young people are figuring out what living is all about, and hopefully they will find their own unique ways of showing up and being in #service to this world. • • This photo is of my daughter. When she put the #daisies on her eyes I shivered inside of myself because it made me think of death. But then I kept that to myself and let myself see it as the #innocent, #imaginative, and #intuitive act it was. I am deeply #grateful for every single lesson that I have received from children. #greatestteachers #deathanddying #griefandloss #consciousdeath #consciouslydying #normalizedeath #liveintodying #beherenow #practicepresence #livinginthemystery #positivevibes #findingpeace

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I dug deep for #courage today for chemo. Many long and deep breaths were taken all morning. My nurse called it #proactive. Last night came with what I am hoping was a monster #foodreaction. I felt terrible last night after eating. I got little sleep because I could not comfortably lie down. • • I've been riding these unknown waves all day today and reminding myself to try to stay open, notice, and breathe it all in. Everything receives a chair at my metaphorical table: heartbreak, love, joy, longing, curiosity, explosive grief, lonesome grief, sad grief, wonder, judgement, letting go, trust, acceptance, praise, pain, freedom, confusion, loosening, softening, and so many more depending on my mood. I've been training myself how to consistently #feelmyfeelings without them flooding me and/or getting stuck in my body. • • I'm also continuing to focus on paying attention to my attention. Last week at chemo, I witnessed the whole process of a patient coding blue while receiving his chemo. I've been there one other time when someone coded, but last week I was up really close and personal to it and it scared me a lot. • • And yay!! I made it through another #chemo and #coldcaps, and also just took my evening #cannabisoil (aka #ricksimpsonoil). I will continue to #presson until it becomes clear that it's time to make a change in any of my treatments. I'm here doing my best and continuing to strive towards preparing for a #consciousdeath and a #homefuneral whenever that may come. I don't believe that talking about makes it happen any faster. I want to be prepared and do t want my death to be a surprise for anyone. Talking to people about this has been a tender conversation. I will keep on keeping on... #truthseeker #enjoytheride #plantmedicine #griefandloss #deathanddying

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We did not make it to the Science March, thank you to all of you who did show up for those marches today! Instead we extra-tended to our special patch of earth that we care for daily, our backyard. #earthdayeveryday 🌲🌏🌲

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This. Her. Today, tonight, when the stars are shining, and forever...... • • P.S. Taxol #chemo number 23 today. According to my conventional oncologist my choices now--after 4.5 years of treatments--are 5-6 chemos left to try or #hospice. #metastaticbreastcancer #livethedash #beopen #joy #leap #transformfear #alchemicalchanges #meditate #contemplate #courage #plantmedicineEverydamnday P.P.S Yep, still doing the #cannabisoil. It's #420 everyday in my life. It"s my #painmedicine and hopefully killing a few million #cancer cells, too. Grateful for this plant.🙏🙏🏾🙏🏽🙏🏻🙏🏿🙏🏼🙏

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The birds who hang around my backyard bring me joyful thrills. I was sitting on my bed and captured this short video. It's not unusual for our backyard to be filled with birds. I love hearing the sounds of birds or seeing them flying or perching. It doesn't matter where or when I usually feel a jolt of awareness and connection when I witness birds--which is all day long every day. They have become a huge coping and grounding experience for me. It thrills me to simply hear the soft coos of #mourningdoves. • • And of course the dear hummingbirds who show themselves to me everywhere. My daughter and I were out in a park recently and observed a hummingbird gathering fluffy dandelion seeds for it's nest. A young friend was over earlier this week and she said to me, "You have a lot of hummingbird feeders!" • • The beauty that surrounds us is always here if we slow down and listen with more than just our ears. #slowdown #breathe #birds #notice #practiceawareness #payattentiontoyourattention #joyfulthrills #copingtools #groundingtools #listen #listenwithyourheart #heartawakened #wholehearted

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Photos from our day. Xoxog

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After chemo--the whole infusion process takes about three hours--I then keep changing out the #coldcaps for about three more hours. So if I have chemo at 9am then by about 3pm I am done with the whole process. Then I have somatic experiences for the next 3-4 days of all those drugs (steroids, Benadryl, and the chemo) coursing through my body and causing all kinds of havoc. • • Happily, the caps are working. I am in my fifth month of weekly #chemo and I still have my hair!!! This is priceless #normalcy for me and my family. These #chemocaps take a fair amount of work each week. My friend Q--father of my children, ex-husband, and huge support in the last two (of 4.5) years of #CancerCollege--has been my hair champion. I give thanks each night when I go to sleep while I hold my #braids like they are #prayerbeads. I'm #grateful for this man and our non-traditional relationship in the face of #cancer and #deathanddying. • • Yesterday, after chemo and capping, I desperately wanted/needed to lie my body on the earth. I do this regularly. It's one of my #copingtools and I've heard some people call it #earthing. It's now a thing. There are books, which to me is just another reflection of how our culture has lost touch with our instincts. I know people who might feel silly, weird, dirty or just plain wrong lying their bodies directly on the earth. Why I wonder? I've been doing this my whole life long, so yay for strong instincts and having the guts to follow them. Sure, I've been laughed at and downright denigrated for my #earthloving ways. Yet still I stand to #protectthesacred. I press on through other people's discomfort and judgement. • • Yesterday, my daughter and I found a lovely patch of #daisies and we laid our bodies down. And then we got up and frolicked amongst the daisies and dandelions and a fallen tree. Prayers a flyin' all around. My daughter said it looked like I was in a field of stars. Yes. Yes. Yes. 🌟✨💫⭐️🌟💫✨🌟

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Baseball season is the best this year for me because these two are playing together on a Juniors team. I love watching them play for the same team!❤ Go LPP!!

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I love this little poem. It describes one of the many ways I pray. I usually wait until the freeway though, where I can really let loose. • • Praying doesn't have to be about #god or #religion. The definition of #prayer I most resonate with is: an earnest hope or wish. • • If God is your main squeeze, that's cool. I am not judging. Prayer is for any human being who feels called to use it. Anyone can pray if they feel called to do so. • • How do you pray? #natureismyreligion #feathersandDaisies #metastaticbreastcancer #chemoDay #prayduringchemo #earnesthope #song #dance #write #dogs #movementasmedicine #deepbreathing #trees #plantingseeds #smellingflowers #music #ocean #wildlife #rivers #mountains #epsomsaltbaths #plantmedicine #soundhealing

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Our "little" puppy turns one year old today! She has united our family in joy and love. We love our dogs! I had friends who thought I was ridiculous for bringing a puppy into the middle of this cancer storm. Aya is a soft anchor for me, my children, and my ex-husband. We love you Aya!!!! ❤🐶🐺❤

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Our sweet dog Jude turned seven over the weekend. He has been my constant companion today. • Yesterday I danced in my five rhythms dance community for the first time in a long while. It was a Sunday morning sweat your prayers dance, and the afternoon held a memorial for my friend Kathy, a vibrant member of our dance community who died a few weeks ago. Peace to you dear Kathy. Thank you for all that you shared with the world. #sweatyourprayers #5rhythms #dancechurch #griefandloss #fatigue #cancer #copingtools #dogsheal

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Baby Ginkgo leaves. We love honoring our favorite neighborhood trees. And I love riding bikes around the 'hood with her to check on these trees. ❤🚴🏼‍♀️🚴🏻‍♀️🚴🏻‍♀️❤

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My kids are going to camp Kesem this summer. It's their first overnight camp ever. Camp Kesem is for kids whose parents have or had cancer. It sounds like an incredible community and resource for kids and their families. A couple weeks ago each of my kids received a handwritten letter from their camp counselor. This excited both of them as their counselors clearly reflected back to them their individual interests and how they would be able to do those activities at camp--art and sports. 🏀🎨⚾️🎨 #metastaticbreastcancer #campkesem #gratitude #parentingwithcancer