djafar

queer nb who lives somewhere in southeast asia

[titsay]

stuck together (on purpose) 🤩

[lalikeslichto]

[phantomplanty]

i feel like this is gonna sum up the entire season pretty well

[llinnill]

[titsay]

i'll open up my heart 🫀

[titsay]

[furisode]

[lvgvcy-deactivated20260523]

known for leaving places early

[perpulchra]

Known for not even going

[uroko]

入梅 aeka

[glass-castle]

Testament of Us

I’ve been thinking about how grief will be my sole companion later once you leave. People always remind me that the time will come unexpectedly, so suddenly and mercilessly. So I am trying to make friends with grief.

Grief is silent. He is not a talker. He observes. He sits somewhere in the corner of a room. One time I swear I saw him peeking behind the therapist’s door, watching me cry after a pitiful session.

He watched you as you stoned and stared at me when I silently cried that night. But then he left.

I came to him once. He did not utter a single word. He is cold and distant.

But he was there during my grandparents’ funeral, hugging my mother as she held onto the casket, begging her mother to wake up from her eternal sleep.

Grief was also there standing in front of my doors, telling my cats to come into my room when I mourn.

I wonder what he would do once I lose you.

But I slowly understand that grief is silent. He is not a talker. He observes. And when the time has finally come I know he will speak to me in a language only you and me understand.

Grief is a testament of us. A trace you left, a trace irreplaceable. Grief is a testament of our existence. One day when you leave, I hope I made good friends with grief.

Until then, I will love you with everything I have.

8/6/2024

[glass-castle]

death is a friend

My eyes wander to the night sky when I finally have the time to rest. I long for something I don’t know. A falling star, a planet. The ring of Saturn, moving clouds.

I always thought the sky has its own kingdom. Some angels live there and one time I swore I can see their wings peeking through the night sky.

Tonight, to you I will speak words I haven’t told anyone else. To you I will let it all out. Please let him know I said hello.

 —  Part I out of III

Seven was the age where I realized nothing is fine. Everything is fucked but I don’t know how to deal with it. I want someone to be by my side but I also want to vanish and be alone in a room with a soft bed to lay down.

Seventeen was the age where I realized that still, nothing is fine. I do believe that loving someone means letting them hold a gun against your head and believe that they won’t pull the trigger. (They pulled the trigger in the end.)

I have yet to reach twenty seven, and I never know if I ever will. But if I get to twenty seven I wish I can read this writing sitting in a nice studio apartment, a black upright piano across me, my cats sleeping in their spots and I am drinking coffee while it rain outside. I see no one beside me but I’m in peace.

 —  Part II out of III

Death is a friend.

He was someone waiting outside my room while I was working on my thesis. I remember his presence surrounds me every 3 A.M. And everytime I’d say thank you for not letting me fight my battle alone.

One time I swore I can hear him talk, wishing I can hear.

“When?” He said softly. “I don’t know,” I answered. “But I think now is not the right time.” “Okay.” “I like you here,” I told him. “Then here I will stay until you are safe.” “Safe from what?”

He never answered. But he stayed until my fight was done.

 —  Part III out of III

My eyes still wander to the night sky every time I finally have the time to rest. I long for something I don’t know. A falling star, a planet. The ring of Saturn, moving clouds.

I always thought the sky has its own kingdom. Some angels live there and one time I swore I can see their wings peeking through the night sky.

Whoever heard my prayers, please let him know I said hello.

[glass-castle]

the art of falling out of love

falling out of love will never feel that dramatic or grandeur. falling out of love feels so subtle yet painful — it has the exact same feeling of when you were just a kid, trying to keep the water on the palm of your hand even though it will ran out, eventually.

it doesn’t feel that sad — because you know it’s coming. when someone who used to light up even for the simplest thing that you do, they now just sit down with gray clouds covering up their head.

it is when you cook them their favorite dish and they no longer smile as wide as the first time you both did. or when you brought home flowers for your long empty vase and they no longer ask you, “Why didn’t you take me go flower-shopping?”

and when the time has finally come it is when you both finally decided that walking along together in different paths might be the best because none of you can feel the sparks anymore. (even though you know, going separate paths means one day you both will eventually drift away from each other.)

“I’ll watch you,” they’d say. and to that you’ll answer, “I’m watching you, too. hope we’re both okay walking down our own paths.”

may we cross paths again one day was something that the both of you would want to tell to each other, but never did came out because you know: the two of you had marvelous time together and that itself was enough.

falling out of love will never feel dramatic or grandeur.

it might leave you thinking during the rainy days and you are drinking a cup of tea with his favorite mug, gazing out the window through the storm hoping you’d see them running back to you.

but to remember the fact that the universe lets you cross paths with them even for once — that was probably enough. falling out of love might also be the one that give values to love.

[glass-castle]

bonded

I haven't find the exit from your infinite maze. in every corner you hid dragons and gave me the choice to either kill them or take them.

I haven't find the exit from your infinite maze. from many corners of your maze, I took some of the dragons and make them my own.

I haven't find the exit from your infinite maze. I keep hearing your voice guiding me but I end up in another corner with another dragon.

I haven't find the exit from your infinite maze. but I count the days for me to finally fly away with one of your dragons.

[glass-castle]

rings and diamonds

one day you thought it'd be wonderful if we wear matching rings. doesn't matter if it's gold or the artificial ones, you wanted love manifested in a form of those small rings.

red strings of fate, love, acceptance, death; are some of the things that I thought of every time I look at your face. (can I declare the world that you're mine forever?)

rings and diamonds will be some of the things we associate to our tough love one day.

until that day came, my fingers will be your rings and diamonds around your hands--please hold them close and never let them go.

[glass-castle]

I wish I can see myself through your eyes

I wanted to know what goes on inside your head when you touched my waist and told me you adore them. Or the night you asked me to tore it all off and promised you won't judge and just stare. The day you caress my eyebrows and told me it curves beautifully. To put it simple, I wanted to know what makes you think this shell of mine is worth the praise.

I wish I can see myself through your eyes and adore myself the way you did to me. I also wish for you to see yourself through my eyes.

If I can hold you close forever I'd go through hell with you.

[glass-castle]

life is an endless journey

my question was pretty simple. where do we go when our time has come? childhood me used to believe we'd go somewhere far and beautiful. somewhere above the cloud; where angels sings and fly, where everyone is happy. when i grew older, i realized they want me to believe if there's heaven, somewhere out there hell exist too. my question was pretty simple. but today, i'd like to believe i'm going nowhere. when our time has come, i will have another chance to start over. love everyone i never get to love on my previous chance, one by one; and be kinder than ever.

[glass-castle]

happy birthday, my dearest