Incoming Randomness

You like jokes? I got them. You like republished work? I have it. I will give you everything you want and more in this world of randomness.

[gleekfreak777]

Exchange

I’m not happy with this and I’d like to exchange it, please.

But that’s your bank statement!

I said exchange it!!!

[gleekfreak777]

Twice

A man is reading his newspaper and says to his wife: “Michelle, look. Here is an article about how women use about twice as many words per day as men do.” The wife responds: “That’s because we have to tell you everything twice”

[gleekfreak777]

Psychic Line

I called a psychic once. She asked who was on the line, so I hung up.

[gleekfreak777]

Walking on the Beach

Tonight I had a dream about a beautiful walk on a sandy beach. 

At least that explains the footprints I found in the cat litter box this morning.

[gleekfreak777]

Falling

What’s the difference between "BOOM! Aaaaargh!" And "Aaaaaargh! BOOM!"?

The difference is whether you’re falling from the 1st or the 10th floor.

[gleekfreak777]

Watch What You Eat

A boy asks his father, "Dad, are bugs good to eat?" 

"That's disgusting. Don't talk about things like that over dinner," the dad replies. 

After dinner the father asks, "Now, son, what did you want to ask me?" 

"Oh, nothing," the boy says. "There was a bug in your soup, but now it’s gone."

[gleekfreak777]

Speed Limit

A police officer stops a minivan full of elderly ladies being driven by an old man because they’re only going 25 mph, slowing down the mid-day traffic.

The policeman asks the driver why he is going so slow.

“Well that’s the speed limit, isn’t it! There was a sign saying 25 and everything!” the driver defends himself. 

The policeman sighs, “No, sir, that’s the number of the highway you’re on. It has nothing to do with the speed limit.” 

“Oh, so that’s what it mean,” says the driver.

The officer looks at the rest of the van and notices the older women are looking somewhat frozen and stiff.

“What’s up with the ladies?” he asks the driver.

“Well…” the driver scratches his head, “you see, we just got off highway 150…”

[gleekfreak777]

Shopping Mistakes

I made a beginner’s mistake and went shopping on an empty stomach. I am now the happy owner of aisles 6, 7, and 8.

[gleekfreak777]

The Silent Treatment

Women really know how to hold a grudge. My wife asked me to pass her a lip balm. And by mistake, I gave her a tube of Super Glue. It’s been a month now and she’s still not speaking to me!

[gleekfreak777]

Exercise

I was in the gym earlier and decided to jump on the treadmill. People were giving me weird looks, so I started jogging instead.

[gleekfreak777]

Password Tips

Don't use "beef stew" as a computer password. It's not stroganoff.

[gleekfreak777]

Finances

Financially I‘m set for life. Provided I die next Wednesday.

[gleekfreak777]

Three Questions

A man goes to the lawyer: “What is your fee?” 

Lawyer says: “1000 US dollars for 3 questions.” 

Man: “Wow - so much! Isn’t it a bit expensive?” 

Lawyer: “Yes, what is your third question?” .

[gleekfreak777]

Facts

A recent scientific study showed that out of 2,293,618,367 people, 94% are too lazy to actually read that number.  

[gleekfreak777]

Old School vs. New School

I asked my daughter if she’d seen my newspaper. She told me that newspapers are old school. She said that people use tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad. The fly didn’t stand a chance.

[gleekfreak777]

My 7th Least Favorite Drink

A man got hit hard in the head with a can of 7Up. He’s alright though, it was a soft drink.

[gleekfreak777]

Pronunciation

Husband: “Oh the weather is great today. Shall we go out for a quick jog?” 

Wife: “Hahaha, I love the way you pronounce ‘Shall we go out and have a cake’!”