Feauturing: Tomura Shigaraki x female reader
Warnings: hint of a previously Dabi x reader, breakup, angst and comfort, chaotic feelings.
A/N: this is my first time writing about Shigaraki and I definitely want to write more about him.
Comments and reblogs are highly appreciated if you enjoyed.
It was past midnight, the weather was chilly and you were currently sitting on a chair with a fuzzy blanket covering you up but not too well since it touched the ground. Your face felt petrified with no emotion nor expression visible to the eye.
You were thinking about his words over and over again, the constant overthinking left your brain completely numb. What the hell was there to overthink anyways? Because Dabi’s words felt and were way too clear to even leave traces of doubt.
“I can’t put myself to keep loving you. I can’t love you. What we had was never meant to be a forever because we don’t get to live a forever. Don’t overthink this too much like you usually do and move forward.”
He didn’t ask you to forget what you two had, he didn’t ask you to move on because he knows that some things are just unforgettable. You can’t let the past go just like that because it keeps living, it doesn’t die. It never dies. But he wanted you, the both of you, to proceed in life. Just not in each other’s, him to walk a path and you to walk on another.
It couldn’t be anymore about the two of you together, it was only about him or you. Taken as single individuals.
“No more us. Just you on one side and me on the other, just you and me but without that “and” being the reason to unite us. That “and” being now the reason to separate us from one another.” You thought.
And that brought you back to that point in life. The one in which you always found comfort because nothing but especially no one could hurt you even in the slightest: alone. Because that was the best solution, it has always been and you never cared when others told you “you can’t stay alone forever”, “you need others”. Hell if you always despised people like that.
People who think they have to reflect their lives onto yours, those who want you to live as they do, those who want to dictate how you should live your life and the people you have to be around. What the fuck do they know anyways about you? Absolutely nothing and yet they want to change you. They feel like they are being helpful when in reality they are just hypocrites, full of themselves, egotistical and just straight-up uncaring. Because they do not care. They act like they do but they don’t, they are fucking comedians.
Your thoughts were soon interrupted by the sound of footsteps that kept getting closer and closer until they eventually stopped. You turned your head to look at the standing figure of the shadow reflected on the floor by the dim light. And that’s when you saw him.
“What the hell are you doing here, sitting like that?” Tomura asked you, looking a bit confused.
“What do you mean by “like that”…how am I supposed to sit?”
“No idiot. I meant to say that if you gotta cover yourself up, at least do it in the right way. That blanket is going to collect all the dust on the floor.” He clicked his tongue.
“Do not fucking call me an idiot ever again, got it Tomura?” Your tone was salty as you raised your voice a bit.
“Who the fuck do you think you’re screaming at? I’m not your shitty boyfriend. If you’re in a bad mood go and bother him cos I definitely don’t want to deal with your shit.”
“Nah. Seems like he doesn’t want me to bother him anymore, so I guess I gotta pick on someone else.” You giggled nervously, by far it was the only emotion you could express that night.
You could see Shigaraki’s face baffled. He stayed silent for a few moments to process what you just told him until he said something in the end.
“Wait…does it mean what I think it means, Y/n?” He questioned you.
“Yeah, I think you’re on the right track. He left me.” You said nonchalantly.
“Tomura, I thought I told you to not-“
“Listen, I can understand you’re dumbfounded but don’t play dumb. My insult was directed at him, not you.” He sighed.
“Okay but I’m not dumbfounded. I felt it coming…I never put expectations on people. They end up letting me down anyways, it always happens.”
“I don’t want to overthink this all as well. I don’t want to let things like this get to me, I don’t want superficial things to get to me. I feel great, in fact.” You continued.
“You’re lying. These are just plain lies and you know that.”
“The biggest lie you can tell yourself is that you feel great when in reality you’re feeling like shit.” He added.
“You can’t say that…you don’t know how I feel.”
“Do you know how you feel?”
“Do you really know how you feel?”
He noticed that you were thinking hard about it.
“If you lie, I’m heading back to my room. My game is paused and I’d like to get back to it.” He said, pointing with his thumb behind his shoulders.
“I’m not forcing you to be here, Tomura. You could simply head back to your room and keep playing.”
“You don’t have to stay, I’m fine by myself.”
That sentence by itself was enough to make his blood boil, it was enough for him to want the whole world to decay. It was enough for him to want to kill whoever made you feel like you had to be by yourself, whoever made you feel unworthy of good things in life, whoever made you shed a single tear, whoever wronged you, whoever made you feel like you weren’t enough, whoever gaslighted you and your feelings, whoever made you want to turn off your emotions and whoever took advantage of you.
He despised each one of them.
He watched as you fell in love with someone who wasn’t him, he watched you look at another man with eyes full of adoration, the same eyes he wanted on him. He heard you scream someone’s else name when you were getting railed by someone who wasn’t him and what hurt most is that you enjoyed it. He watched you smile at someone who wasn’t him, even those subtle smiles that make your heart skip a beat, but that heart wasn’t his. He watched as your heart ran so much for someone who wasn’t him and he watched as you showed vulnerability to someone who wasn’t him.
And he hated all of that, he hated it with everything he had left, with every bone in his body because he wouldn’t have let you down. He couldn’t even think about it, not even for a second.
He tried all along to push away his feelings, but all he did was hide them because no matter how it broke him to see you with another man, he didn't want to ruin it all. The two of you were almost comparable to friends, you got along and bickered in a friendly way but it never went further than that. And through all of this time, he implored to hell knows what that you would never notice his feelings for you.
And now that Dabi broke up with you, he couldn't help but feel relieved. His heart felt alleviated, he knew you were most likely feeling like shit, completely shattered by the event itself but he couldn't put himself to not feel happy. Because after all, he could still have a chance. His chance and he didn't want to miss the opportunity of having you fully for himself and himself only.
“Listen...I know that your stubborn and prideful ass would never admit that it needs help-”
“-but it would be such a shitty move to leave you alone while going through something like that.” He stated.
“Fine. You want me to admit how I really feel?”
“I can just say I feel numb because I have no clue how to deal with this. But at the same time, I don't want to feel anything. Shitty situation? Yeah, I'll get over it.”
“I'm not gonna cry for him.” You said, bringing the blanket up on your chest.
“Tell me Tomura...what am I supposed to do with it?”
“He broke up with me, okay. Now what?”
Now what? It was the same question that was going through his mind. He shuffled his hair, trying to think about something but nothing was coming up in his mind. He had no idea how to deal with someone who was going through a heartbreak or if so you wanted to call it. He was clueless about it, just like you.
“Are you good at video games?” He eventually asked.
“Or do you like them in general...I dunno.”
“Uh...I mean, I do like them but never had a real occasion of playing them as I wished.”
“But I do indeed like them, yeah. But mostly I adore watching people playing them, it's unbelievably funny.” You answered.
Checkmate, he thought almost grinning through his teeth. Looked like he found a way to distract you from your thoughts and the fact that you mentioned that you “adored” watching others play, he couldn't wait to have your eyes on him. So that you could adore him somehow.
“Do you like horror games? If so I'm casually playing one at the moment-”
“I love horror. Are you asking me to join you?” You interrupted him mid-sentence.
“I was about to ask you before you interrupted me midway.” He rolled his eyes, but he was everything but annoyed at you.
“I'd love that.” You giggled but this time not out of nervousness, you were actually amused.
“Great. Also do you by chance know if there's an energy drink left?”
“I don't think there is! But I can give you mine if you'd like, I have it in my room but haven't drunk it yet. I'm going to go and grab it for you.” You said, moving the blanket out of the way and standing up.
“It's fine Y/n. It's yours, you don't have to.”
“No no, I insist. It really doesn't change my day, we can share it if you’d like. I can take two glasses to drink from.”
“Yeah, that's more like it. Don't worry about the glasses, I'll grab them.”
“I'll wait for you in my room, bring your blanket with you perhaps.” He said, grabbing two glasses and directing himself towards his room.
You went to your room and took the energy drink for Shigaraki. You picked up the blanket and went straight for his room, knocking on his door.
“Hey, here's your drink.” You said, placing it on his desk.
“You mean our drink ‘cos I definitely haven't grabbed two glasses for nothing.” He answered, patting the chair next to him hinting at you to sit on it.
You gave him a little smile that lasted just a few seconds while sitting on the chair next to him. You opened the can of the energy drink and poured half of it into his glass and the other half into yours.
After an hour of watching him play the game, your heart started feeling somehow better. Maybe it was the laughs he stole from you by his reactions and jump scares from the game, maybe it was the fact you heard his giggles when you made some remarks about the game or maybe it was just his presence alone that made you feel a bit more alive, even though you kept dwelling over your now ex-boyfriend words. Despite there was nothing to ruminate about since his words were transparent and concrete.
“Are you still thinking about it, aren't you?” He said, exiting the game and turning off the laptop.
“I mean...it’s normal- I guess.”
“Just try to not let it destroy you, he's a fucking idiot anyways.” He sighed.
“You think he's an idiot?”
“I said what I said. He's an idiot and I won’t take it back.”
“In what Universe someone would choose to leave you, after all? Nothing other than a fucking idiot.”
Words slipped off his tongue, he didn’t even notice what he said because it came natural. He only processed his words after taking another of the many looks he gave you that night. The expression you had on your face was surprised, your eyes shifting side to side while scanning his features, your lips parted signalling that you felt shaken by his words.
Since the silence was deadly because none of you knew what to say and the atmosphere was sharp, he decided to change the subject.
“Hey. I noticed that as time went by, you started to yawn more and more-”
“-are you tired? Maybe you should go to bed and try to sleep.” He eventually asked you.
There was no way he could have told you what he was really thinking about. He couldn't allow you to know about his feelings, not yet. Especially now that you just broke up with another person, he didn't want to put you through another trauma. He knew you couldn’t say you loved him, at least not the way he did love you. Because you couldn’t love him as much as he did as for right now, your heart was still of someone else. And it destroyed him deeply. Because from the start, he wanted to be the one to hold your heart just like you held his - but you probably never noticed how much you affected him because he pushed everything aside for you, in order for you to be happy. Happy with someone else. He didn't want to lose you because he knew that if he confessed, your relationship would have collapsed. So he decided to wait some more time, waiting for you to heal.
“Yeah...maybe it's a good idea. I don't know if I'll get some sleep but I’ll try.” You said, walking towards the door and he followed behind you.
“Try to lay down at least. If you still can't sleep, just text me a message.”
Hell if he wanted to ask you to stay and lay down with him, so that he could hold you in his arms.
“And here I thought you didn't want to deal with my shit.” You giggled.
“Whatever, don’t think too much about it Y/n...”
You just stared at each other for a few moments until you asked him a question before heading to your room.
“Can I ask you a question, Tomu?”
“Depends on what it is but go ahead.”
“What did you mean when you said in what Universe someone would decide to leave me?”
“I meant to say that I'm not an idiot and I would never leave you. You’re such a pretty chaos Y/n and that's exactly why just an idiot would leave you.” He smiled while scratching the back of his neck.
“Now go to sleep and good night. And please don't ask me what I mean by what I just said...heal first and one day you'll get it.”
“Okay Tomura...good night to you too and sweet dreams.” You said, listening to his advice and trying to not ask yourself more questions that night.
You told him ‘sweet dreams’ but he knew for a fact that unless you were going to sleep next to him, share the same bed with him so that he could tell you everything he wanted, so that he could give you all the kisses he have been craving for, unless he could be able to make love to you and call you his and you calling him yours...it couldn't be sweet dreams. Those dreams could only feel and be bitter, nothing more and nothing less than just fantasies and dreams.
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