Paradox

volatile | worlds in my words

[glzle]

tried a make up hack from tiktok and bruh, ang glowy ng skin ko.. and the afterglow kasi nakawala na ako sa isang toxic na relationship char skkssksk

[madness-of-depression-deactivat]

[0nly-an-illusi0n]

[hisforeversupport]

Despite of the virus. -with @glzle

[glzle]

SHET narecover ko finally yung account ko hahahahaha im back amigos

[glzle]

sobrang sakit na hahaha

[glzle]

ano sige patibayan tayo ng pride hahahahaha

[glzle]

😅😅

[glzle]

heavy

[glzle]

sucks being the background friend haha everyone can rely to you pero pag ikaw na may need wala. pinaparamdam pa sayo lagi na wala kang inner circle. na parang belong ka sa group pero hindi talaga, salingkitkit lang

[glzle]

post-board exam selfies hahahaha sa wakas done na

[glzle]

for every “wait lang ha” ninyo, may taong naghihintau ng pagbalik niyo. baka sakaling maramdaman ko once again na may kwenta yung shineshare ko sa inyo. pero habang tumatagal, the more I feel anxious. the more i feel na may mali ba may formula ba dapat para pakinggan ka ng mga tao. May mga dapat at hindi ba dapat gawin. ginagawa ko lahat, mismong paghinto sa pagrereview para lang hindi niyo maramdaman na busy ako at iniistorbo niyo ako.

Hindi ko naman sinabing gawin niyo yung same thing for me, but yung simpleng pagreply lang kapag may kwento ako is more than enougj for me. Minsan kahit pakinggan niyo lang ako. Sobrang sakit kasi na binibigau ko lahat pero pag ako na may kailangan di ko alam may sumpa siguro pag ako kausap hahahaha baka may virus ako ganun haha na pag may nakinig sa mga kwento ko kakarmahin yung mga tao at may mangyayaring masama sa buhay nila hahahaha

[heartofmuse]

Hanging on

I am struggling today,

Realize I am sinking

The waves, so dark,

My arms, reaching desperately for the sky,

the lead chain on my feet, pulling me down.

I struggle to see the good,

To let gratitude fill me,

But my eyes seem blind and my insides so empty and dry.

I stumble and feel so alone,

So alone in my heart and soul.

Don't know how to find my way.

Don't know if it will end.

I just hang on and hope for the best,

Tomorrow will be another day.

e.v.e.

[glzle]

nakakaanxious na same people lang din yung sinasabihan akong maaasahan ko sila pero pag kailangan ko ng makikinig, di magrereply pero makikita mong magpopost or magrereact sa mga post mo as if wala silang dapat replyan. ganto ba ako ka-unworthy pakinggan. i mean alam ko naman sa sarili kong walang kwenta mga kwento ko pero how happy it feels siguro noh kapag never pinaparamdam ng kausap mo na sawa na siya sa mga drama mo in life. hahaha ako di pa nga ako nagsisimula sa mismong gist ng kwento ko nawawala nalang bigla kausap ko.

[glzle]

hi to my vloggg. just wanna ask for help. if ever someone is reading this, pls message me if you know how to deal with panic attacks. or if ever you know someone who i can talk to.

i’ve been dealing with a panic attack almost every night. i’m planning to seek therapy in two weeks (since i have my exams in a week) so if ever you csn suggest me remedies i can do at home to lessen the pain that’ll be a big help :c

[fuckinghopelessloser-deactivate]

[glzle]

how my anxiety has been affecting me recently

idk how to start this pero mabigat yung feeling kong kailangan ko maglabas without feeling any judgement from anyone so it’s better na dito na ako magkakalat ng thoughts ko

my board exam is just a few days away. months ago, nung nagststart palang ako mag-aral, aim ko magtopnotcher. as in nakalagay yun sa kwarto kong dapat nasa top ako kasi malakas support system ko and at the same time, gusto ko patunayan sa sarili kong may kaya ako.

patagal ng patagal mas lalo ko nararamdaman yung bigat nung info. overload talaga siya. I mean masaya ako sa inaaral ko pero dahil pressured ako mas lalo akong di nag-eenjoy and as a result, mas lalo ako nahihirapan.

I finished a subject in 3 months and I still have 3 more to go, nung time na yun dalawang buwan nalang natitira sa akin. Sobrang panic na ako and lahat ng thoughts sumasabog na sa utak ko. Na sana pala kung alam kong mabagal phasing ko, mas inagahan ko pa yung magsimulang magreview. At that point, I said to myself na alam kong I won’t make it to the top, and I won’t pass. Ako kasi yung tipo na di ko kaya iwan isang topic hangga’t di ko mastered, which is why it took me 3 months just for one subj.

Ang ending result, hindi na ako nagseryoso mag-aral. Nagbabasa basa oo pero aware akong di enough. Yung mga score na nakukuha ko sa drill ang baba. Malakas support system ko pero what makes it depressing for me is that alam kong madidisappoint ko sila kasi I’m just waiting for my humiliation to come. Literal. Aware akong di na ako papasa pero at the same time ayoko makarinig ng pampababa ng confidence.

My anxiety the past weeks made me distance myself to everyone, even to my boyfriend who has been constantly supporting me even if I fail this exam. Kahit anong gusto kong pag-open ayoko, di ko kaya. Anlala na ng anxiety ko na di ko na talaga maintindihan kung ano gusto ko.

At dahil sa aware akong i won’t make it anymore, i tried looking for work. I passed my resumé to diff companies. Two are already contacting me but I am not responsding. Pakiramdam ko kasi because I wasted an opportunity to have a license di ko deserve marewardan ng job.

Hays ewan ko ba sa thoughts ko. It’s eating me alive.