Me: Wants recovery
Also me: Hates being fucking sober
Claire Keane

oozey mess

⁂
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Lint Roller? I Barely Know Her
Mike Driver

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Not today Justin

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@gnausea
Me: Wants recovery
Also me: Hates being fucking sober
Addiction is where you’re so miserable, you’re willing to go bankrupt, jobless, homeless, and alone all for four hours of fake happiness
I had almost a year clean. And to be honest, a good amount of it was trash, but nowhere near as bad as my life was when i was strung out and miserable. it took months of being clean for the obsession to subside, it took hard work to get that far, it took focus, it took will power to not just do what i did best when things got tough. My relationship is the best one ive ever had. I’m madly in love with a man, another addict, which makes recovery twice as difficult, and i often saw myself putting his recovery and life before mine, when he would relapse, and i would remain clean and try my best to get him on the right track again. This happened a couple times and broke my heart and hurt me because he hid it and lied each time. I would been able to help and uspport him if he had been honest from the jump. But it wasnt that way. He thought he could hide it, but couldnt, and it ended up really hurting me severely each time. The most recent time was in March I believe? Maybe in February. I found out and decided that since I was overdue for my vivitrol shot, I could threaten him with my sobriety. I told him that I was going to go use. He said if i went and di that then he DEFINITELY would. Basically we solved nothing and I just couldn’t stop crying and having anxiety attacks while with him but I couldn’t leave. I tried to break up with him because It hurt me so badly but I couldn’t do it. I’m insanely in love with him. So I stuck around, but wanted to die. And I had no idea what to do. And he talked about wanting to use together in the past even though I told him it would ruin us, and it would surely ruin me. He didn’t listen so we used. He was getting really high for the bender that we went on, and the vivitrol still active in my system wasn’t allowing me to, so id be slightly high for a very short period while he would nod out and barely be functioning for hours. I hated it, it drove me crazy and I was fucking miserable but we continued for a little. We ended up stopping, he had a drug test coming up, and I just felt it was pointless and my family was mad I hadn’t gone for my next vivtrol shot. That was okay for like a week. Then Michelangelo goes in to get his shot again, I take him. And later that day I leave for a doctors apointment telling him id be back later. Instead of waiting for me, he made plans, which broke my heart and really hurt me once again. I’m not the type that ever wants space from him, and he only seems to want it when he plans on doing something fucked up or wrong. I was so upset and anxiety ridden that I drove to Walmart, bought a box of syringes, and drove to Westport to cop. I think I got 5 caps for $40 and I was getting high as fuuuuuck and enjoying the hell out of it. I spent all night nodding pleasantly and most of the next day the same way but stopped using it a couple hours before heading to Michelangelos house. After that day I couldn’t stop using, and I found myself copping every day, I found myself sneaking out of my hoiuse in the morning while my boyfriend was still sleeping so I could go get shit. And I could tell he wasn’t thrilled about it. But he also dind’t give me that much shit. A week or two in I tell him ill get clean and I just don’t. At all. I continue anyway. Soon enough, it had been long enough sinc ehe had got his vivitrol shot for him to use again, and his drug court told him that h wouldn’t be graduating in May anymore like they had told him before. So we copped together and went on like a week long bender, and he was spending his money mostly, and I could make a half last an entire day. possibly more. So I was good, and not sick luckily. But using with him just in that short period of time he realized that i wasnt lying when i told him it would ruin us. I’d argue because he wasn’t giving me enough when I had always shared with him without a second thought. I was fiending, but I also thought he would be fair and keep me in mind. It would a serious strain between us, but of course we forgot about it when we got really high. I didn’t want to go on that bender with him and a couple days before it I had a talk with him about us and our future because he had made it clear that the planned on starting to use again around that time and for the past month. Anyways, during out bender, I came extremely close to overdosing twice. Only one of the times do I actually remember myself. But he still continues to talk about how much he hated seeing me like that and how sad it was. He says that the most, that it was ust so sad because he saw me as like, a little girl or something. I’m glad I sparked emotion in him but it made me angry that that’s how far it had to get for me to do so. And he sees me as an innocent or little girl. I don’t know. But a couple days ago we decided to get clean because things weren’t going well with us or our families. He sent me paragraphs on facebook about how he realized that that ins’t actually what he wants, and that he only wants me, and he will do anything to make it work between us, and this pulled my heart back together again, and was so refreshing because he had never said anything like that to me before, or really mentioned staying clean at all. What he said was super sweet, and I could feel that he meant it. So here we are, we’ve been sick for a couple days I think this is the second one? Maybe third, I’m not totally sure everything is a blur, but I’ve been feeling really miserable. My habit was starting to get bad and it was really hard to stop. But I love Michelangelo enough to do anything in the world, I truly believe that. I would honestly do anything for him. And this is what he wants for once and I’ve wanted it, so we’re doing it. And he’s been questioning me about if im clean, asked me tonight if i was gonna wash my cottons. Told me not to disappear on him in the morning. And it sucks that he feels this way but I am actually happy that he is concerned about my sobriety. Because he really didn’t give a fuck about it before. He finally does and I’m hoping it stays this way.
I have something growing inside of me. Something alive. How could this just pop up out of nowhere at the most inconvenient time? I can feel something and it hurts. It started with a plus sign in a stick and ended with the word "pregnant" spelled out on another. I feel so emotionally and mentally unstable, on the Virge of crying constantly. I would never even consider keeping it, not anywhere close to the age that I am. But I'll always wonder what it could have looked like, what it would be like with traits from two totally different humans, one being me. That will forever be a mystery, and for that I am thankful yet still sad. I think just sad that it had to happen at all.
*Hanging Out With Straight People*
Me 5 seconds in:
Robert Plant
☽ ☾
look at my dumb hand also i accidentally did good makeup today 👋🏻
We’ve always know that love hurts, but I’ve never experienced love that hurt this bad. I’m struggling to keep myself going, and I feel like I rely on him for my own happiness now. He has become a bigger component in my life than myself, and I think of him far before I think of me. Not sure how healthy that is, but I didn’t ask to feel this way, I just couldn’t stop it. And now that everything is starting to blow up in my face there is no more guarding myself, that guard shattered a long time ago and cannot be fixed, I feel worthless when he lies to me, hides things from me, doesn’t tell me his feelings when I make sure he is always aware of mine. It broke my heart to see him nodded out in my bed all day, falling asleep every time he started to touch me. It broke my heart to see him so high that he didn’t really care about how I was feeling anymore. I’m an addict too, I’m aware of how the drug works, but that doesn’t make it any less painful to be on this side of the coin. I can’t stay with him if he stays with it, because it will continue to eat away at my insides, and I could easily fall back in when the vivitrol wears off. I have to worry about myself too at some point. But how many chances are too many? If he still runs away for a third time is it even worth my love and effort anymore? If it’s clear that I’m not getting much back? When will this clear up for me. I want to be with this man, as much as I hurt, I also haven’t felt myself love this strongly before. It’s new to me, and I’m not ready to lose it. I wish someone could tell me what’s best. Or maybe I know already, but I’m just ignoring it.
I have so many words to say, so many thoughts, but even more trouble finding the right ones to express that.
*goes to sleep so I don’t kill myself*
how to stop being mad at people for things i imagined them doing
Today I think I’d rather be dead. Will it change tomorrow?
Robert Plant
☽ ☾
Our Story
I always thought he was interesting and handsome, he caught my eye since the day I saw him at a party when I was in high school. I knew he was like me, meaning, I knew he got high too. We became casual acquaintances and I bought suboxone from him a couple times. Even had a thing with his best friend for a short time who also became mine afterwards. Greg died and I saw him at his memorial. He played a song that Greg wrote. His voice was raspy and intoxicating. He was thin and had long hair, and just seemed to be in love with his guitar. I knew he was high then, and I was too. I complimented him on his performance and we went our seperate ways. I was always too nervous to entertain a conversation with him. Sometime later I bought suboerxone from him again and when we met him he told me that we should hang out and talk a awhile, about Greg. I left and thought about that a while. Months and months and months later, I became so strung out after going to NYC that I knew I could no longer get clean on my own like I had done multiple times in the past. I overdosed out front of a pizza place in Linthicum. A few days later I went to rehab. At first I didn’t take it seriously but I got on vivitrol instead. Fast forward though - I get out of rehab in mid July? The first day that I’m out, I get a message from him. He is the first one to message me and ask me how I’m doing. At the time he was in a 6 month rehab program, but he could leave whenever they weren’t doing activities, he just had an early curfew. We talked on the phone that night I got out for hours, and I was so nervous that I couldn’t stop pacing around my house. The next night we talked on the phone again for hours, until early in the morning. We laughed, and told stories, and it was so nice. I was crushing hard but thought I was the only one. For the next couple nights after that we continued to talk on the phone, and the flirting we were doing became more obvious. He told me he was going to come over to my house to swim that week, without asking, and he did. That day I picked him up from the light rail, and my stomach was doing flips the entire way there. Seeing him in person, clean, for the first time, was incredible. He sparkled, and I know he had to have been able to tell how much I liked him right then. We went swimming and after me spending an hour low key flirting with him, he picks me up and holds me, and carries me around the pool. I must have been as red as a cherry. I felt something. Later we went inside and layed on my bed while petting Brockie, but we didn’t touch eachother. We both continued to pet Brockie until our hands touched the same spot and we ended up intertwined. I was so happy that I could fucking scream. We kissed, and fooled around a bit, and we were feeling bliss right then. I wanted to keep him. After that day, we took every opportunity we could to see eachother throughout the summer, I purposefully missed out on my favorite music festival because I didn’t want to miss out on time with him. We became official, and I was so into him. After a while, the curfew became more annoying, and I became increasingly scared that he was going to relapse when the day came closer that he was going to get out. I thought I loved him, why did I want to end things? I’ve never felt like I deserved happiness, and I definitely never thought I deserved love after being hurt so badly in the past, and abused emotionally/mentally so horribly. I began to feel so unstable, I ended things. I tried to muster up the courage to end it one day, but he didn’t get the hints. Later, I videochatted someone. That was so wrong. The next day we finally broke up. I cried like a baby, and he seemed to handle it so well, he was so sweet to me. He wanted to see me one last time and sing me a song he wrote me and I declined. We talked a little here and there after that. And he got out of rehab, I wondered how he was doing, what he was doing. He seemed to be going out with friends a lot. Somewhere in mid November we made plans to hang out. I picked him up. We were only hanging out as friends, catching up. He told me he had relapsed once. I told him I relapsed on crack, but not heroin. We dumpstered some places that night but mostly just had fun fucking around with each other. The night ended by us going back to my house. He played me the song he wrote me, and I bawled. I was sobbing. I couldn’t stand to look at him because the second he got in my car that day I knew I was falling in love with him again. And looking at him during and after that song proved it even more. He noticed I was teary eyed and hugged me, that’s when the waterworks really started. He talked sweetly to me and held me, and told me things were going to be okay. I was so confused. I didn’t know why I had ended things. I knew that I wanted him again though, After that we continued to hang out as much as possible, and I spent a lot of nights at his house, and him at mine. We became official again and the bottomless pit of emptiness I felt the entire time I was single, went away. I knew he was made for me, and I for him. We got into some petty fights, and I got upset over his choice to sell weed, as a recovering addict. I found out that the time he had relapsed in early November was because of me. He was hurting, because of me. Knowing that I hurt him made me sad, but in a away I felt that it sort of proved how much he actually did love me, which a part of me always doubted due to my anxiety. There was two different times after that in the next months where his mother found needles, etc in his room and accused him of using again, and she tried so hard to convince me that he was. But I believed him. Christmas happens, and a day or two later he goes through my phone and finds out that I video chatted someone the day before we broke up. It hurt him badly. He woke me up at 4 am telling me he found things on my phone that he didn’t like. By this time in our relationship, I felt more love than I ever did the first time around. I made him my entire world. He was everything to me, and I was so sensitive and vulnerable to him. It broke my heart knowing that I hurt him. That night/morning I noticed blood in the bathroom and him coming out of the bathroom with a belt in his hand, My anxiety and instincts told me that he used, and I felt so horribly about it that I felt physically ill. I asked him and he wouldn’t admit it. A couple days later I saw the marks on his arm. And after I left his house I messaged him about it, tellling him I knew, there was no disputing it at this point. I’m an addict too. I know what it looks like. He finally admitted it, and I stayed at his house for 4 days in a row so I could be there for him while was sick and to make sure he wouldn’t use. He promised he’d finally try to get on vivitrol. So I felt relieved. He had planned on getting the shot thursday of next week. Yesterday morning after spending the weekend at his house, I had to leave for work, and he wouldn’t come with me. And I made him promise me he wouldn’t use. I trusted him, because our weekend was so amazing and I felt so in love. Yesterday his mom accused him of being high, I told him to be honest with me if he was and I wouldn’t be mad. He said he wasn’t. I picked him up later that day. This morning we had sex and he couldn’t finish. Just like he couldn’t finish the night he had used. I looked at his arms and saw new marks and I broke down. So angry and hurt and heartbroken and confused because he lied to me again. Lies hurt so badly. And I desperately want things to work with us. I am truly madly in love with him. But I’m clean now. I’ve been clean. I can’t use. I don’t want to ruin my life again. And I do not want to watch him ruin his. He means too much to me,