i do not exist

your worst nightmare, turned princess • 22

[sec0ndwind]

[gnawingbrains]

[gnawingbrains]

[gnawingbrains]

Shay

[gnawingbrains]

[gnawingbrains]

She is soft

and innocent, as

all fawns must be.

Though,

the fawn

reeks of anguish and

guilt. She knows she must

internalize so the dragon does

not sense her fear.

She believes the dragon is the enemy.

Hide.

Hide.

Hide.

But is he?

The dragon

is hard to read. He

must be strong and fiery.

But the fawn knows,

that deep inside

he is soft and innocent.

Just as the fawn.

[noobprincess]

fuh money stay pretty🛼

[gnawingbrains]

What I wish was said to me but in place, the person talking to me: is myself.

you are beautiful.

you are loving and cherish others happiness, and that is unforgettable.

it’s okay that you are going through this right now, do not feel guilty or scared. i am here. it won’t last forever and i can help make it easier for you in the meantime.

your mind is extraordinary.

i am so proud of you for taking this step in your life. you have come so far.

i cherish your being.

how are you feeling today? is there anything that i can do to make it better?

this made me think of you.

can i call you? hearing your voice makes me feel better.

are you doing okay? i haven’t heard from you in a while.

there is so much i can say but words do not describe the love i have for you.

you are so special.

you are safe here with me.

you have a precious soul.

you deserve the whole wide world.

[gnawingbrains]

[gnawingbrains]

by @ existforeternity on Instagram

[gnawingbrains]

me

[gnawingbrains]

droplets

[gnawingbrains]

I hate how much i told you about myself.

Now all of my secrets are trapped inside of your mind

and they no longer belong to you.

I know we are no longer

but please keep them safe with you,

just like you told me you would.

[gnawingbrains]

Since I was a small child I knew I had one purpose,

Or atleast when I look back into my past.

I have always been aware,

Aware of the world around me.

Aware that nor myself were free, or the people around me.

Aware that I can be free.

I just never fully channeled it.

I always thought something was wrong with me.

Why can’t I just go to school and be fine with it?

Why can’t I just go to work and keep a job?

Why can’t I find a hobby, find a group of friends, fit in

Why can’t I be normal?

I now have learned that none of these thoughts and feelings are wrong.

Because I know that I will never be like the average human.

I will never feel happy to go to school because I feel locked, trapped, into the practice of becoming average. (Not free)

Same with work.

I will never fit in because I know I don’t fit in. I don’t want to. I want to be free. I am not like other humans.

I am free in my mind and now I will challenge that into my real living life.

I’ve been right all along.

I know that none of us are free.

And I’ve always known.

Work and school for me is researching, being outside and feeling alive, swimming, walking my dog, cooking for myself, etc

Work and school for me is to be free, to learn about myself, to learn to love myself.

[gnawingbrains]

What I wish to say to him but never will..

You mean so much to me. You are such a calming soul, so sweet and kind. You have tended to me from the start. Held me in my lowest, played calming music that you know I liked, let me be who I am. And I wish I could go back and change things maybe had I done things differently .. I wish my mom didn’t get like that on the phone from when we had just recently met. I felt like it scared you. My mom never had done anything like that. And it frustrated me so much. I left a troublesome impression from then on. But you still told me it was okay. You never raised your voice at me and I appreciate that, u don’t even know how much. You would always close the door so lightly for me… so insanely kind. That seems normal for anyone to do but I took it dear to my heart. You were never anything but caring, I let you take your time. I was patient with you with whatever you needed, I comforted you.

I tried to shine light on things that you may have seen as uncomfortable. I wanted to keep doing that. It brightens my soul to see people happy, but I guess I need to brighten my own soul at the moment.

I wish it all had started at a different time. I feel like it’s almost a right person, wrong time kind of deal. I wish I could have met you when I was okay, happy. But I’m not sure that will happen how I think it will. Maybe I’ll be happy one day but in a different way. I want you to be happy. For the short period of time that I have known you, you deserve nothing but the absolute best. I want you to never settle for less or the mundane. I hate to see anyone, let alone you, living a life they don’t want.

I know you would say there are circumstances and I get that but you always work past it with things you love. I see it.

I’m sorry if I ever hurt you. Which you say I didn’t and I believe you. I think too much. I’m sorry for my irrational behavior or thoughts. I’m sorry for my sadness. I’m sorry for some things I cannot help. I’m sorry for being sorry.

It’s hurting me deeply. And I know that I feel deeper than a lot of people and know that you are able to handle things more lightly. I dislike myself for not just being a normal girl for you. It embarrasses me. I feel and think too much and that’s not fair for anyone who won’t understand that. I don’t know what to say other than I need myself to feel hurt so I can be stronger. I try so hard and it’s never enough. It sucks knowing that I’m the one sitting here at 2am delving into everything and writing this. But that’s what I do. It helps me cope. I wonder if you think of me like this too.

I love you but I will never say it.

Internalize.

[gnawingbrains]

I fell asleep the whole afternoon,

I dreamt about being awake

But in a different, more beautiful, world.

[gnawingbrains]

Photos I took during eclipse