A curious creature aren't you, a thing of parts?

it/she the best possible version

[goatgirleyes]

it's nice having a place to post my bad and embarrassing takes and impulses on. also jane is here.

[goatgirleyes]

maybe the coolest thing that ever happened to me was listening to one girl vent about being dumped and recognizing a few keywords and realizing that i heard the girl that dumped her vent about dumping her a day prior in a different discord server

[goatgirleyes]

also. at least 95% of "reddit atheists annoying" type posts on tumblr would be made both more correct and more scathing by calling people rationalists instead.

[goatgirleyes]

in the end, my thoughts on the topic are twofold.

an understanding that dialectical materialism and its rejection of idealism is in fact the current best and most effective guiding philosophy for moving through the world (and in particular history) and that it should be further studied and understood (and broadly that it would make people a lot less annoying if more people held such materialist understandings of things). a proper and correct understanding of the world as composed of material conditions, absent all idealisms, is the most analytically useful.

and a recognition that in the individual case that 'holding counterfactual beliefs' is not deviant nor dangerous. it is in fact rather ordinary. and further, i do not think it is 'theory' that is the tools to convince people, but 'propaganda'. which means that i tend to expect propagandizing for materialism on the basis of "non-material beliefs are incorrect and bad" to be less interested in "what is most effective" and more interested in claims such as naturality, moralism, or even outright saneism. y'all really like to call ppl crazy.

thus, while agreeing with the theory, i can almost never engage positively with the propaganda. perhaps this is a personal failing of mine.

[goatgirleyes]

mm. the context of that one was fine. idk.

[goatgirleyes]

i suppose i am just unusually aggressive towards things that to me feel like assertions that experiencing delusions is an unnatural deviation from a "normal" human experience that must be corrected.

[yurioverdose]

「絡み合う」/「よむ」のイラスト [pixiv]

[goatgirleyes]

it's nice how the insistence that the natural state of a human being contains no irrational elements or counterfactual beliefs is a wonderful ideal that has never harmed anyone or been weaponized to any reactionary aims.

[goatgirleyes]

The feeling is a bit like a migraine. White pain, not so much hot as irresolved, diffuse, impossible to ignore. An itch that cannot be scratched. Nagging, pulling, ripping, tearing.

You can't look away from what's inside your head.

And when they crest through the skin you find yourself defaulting to holding your head in your hands just to apply enough pressure to stem the bleeding.

(What does it mean to change? To become a different kind of being? Is change a slow, gradual process? Or is change quick and violent? When you reach the point of no return, do you notice it?)

(What now?)

As pain dissolves into background noise, you find yourself struggling to keep your hands on the spot. Sensitivity emerges to fill the vacuum.

It feels raw. Every touch violating. Desperate to pull away.

(On some level you wonder if it's only natural. You've never been touched on your horns before, so of course you'd have no tolerance to it.)

And in the back of your head you think that really you should be ramming through. Almost like headbutting, but twisting in the right way to tear and shred. Destroying. Commit violence.

But you know you can't do that yet. It's a new kind of vulnerability. An awareness of something you never had but now you're lacking. Instincts self assembling.

(Or maybe the instincts were always there. Will you look back and decide that actually this was what you were always missing? Will this present justify every past?)

Eventually the bleeding stops, too. Sensitivity lingers. You'll poke the spot every few waking minutes for the next week or two. Eventually that will fade, too.

(And when it becomes normal. When you stop trying to justify it. When wound becomes weapon becomes ornament becomes mutilation. What then?)

[yaldabaothadeez]

(Source - doodleotl on twitter)

[goatgirleyes]

garlic confit on pizza is kind of awesome

[goatgirleyes]

cutting board size difference play

[redsel]

[goatgirleyes]

there are a few things true about me that ppl see as 'indicators that i would like agere' but i think they're more because they're part of the 'mythology of agere' and not the actual fantasy of it. idk.

like, i never once felt like i was a 'child'. i was forced in many ways to grow up too quickly. the emotional maturity expected of me was unreasonable and i was forced to adapt anyway. i never got to do so many of the things that kids are 'supposed to' do. in a way my childhood was 'stolen'. i never got to be a little girl. i was bullied and isolated and shit.

but like. none of that makes me want to experience signifiers of childhood again. it just makes me so very glad i got out of it.

or, on an emotional level, i really just dont get it.

gaining conditional access to adult spaces in response to performing adulthood was an escape. it was peace. it was comfort. i wasnt respected but i didnt care about respect i cared about being allowed to exist. childhood had nothing for me. and i knew from the start that most adults were 'faking being adults' anyway.

the signifiers of childhood remind me of that lacking. remind me of ignorance and not knowing what im doing and unreasonable expectations and isolation and bullying.

the adults who raised me had zero fucking clue what they were doing. they were really bad at it! i have written essays on specific aspects of how i was raised where i picked apart the issues and explained what could be done better! but do you know what i saw?

the worst part is, they were allowed to be bad at it! it was my fault, always! or it was the world's fault! they could not have been better! the expectations on them were unreasonable and it "wasn't their fault". they were what the system produces! the rules of adult-child relationships are stacked against children at every turn! it's just fucked!

or maybe it's just that there is no aspect of childhood that i long for because at no point was i given access to anything that was good. i dont get it. what is it about childhood that you long for? i dont get it.

on some level it seems like it's just returning to the performance of it. something you're comfortable with and familiar with. i can understand that i guess. i sucked at that performance. everyone hated my half-smile and half-laugh and awkward speaking and everything else.

and for me, on 'childhood', i cannot forget any of this.

the central contradiction of my childself is thus:

I was not given the tools I needed to succeed. I was failed at every turn. I was abandoned and forced to mold myself into shapes that didnt fit just to survive. i had to raise myself because everyone else was bad at it.

but i look back and i know that 'childhood' itself would always fail me. there is no idealized "good way to raise me" that theoretically exists under the system of family. i didnt get the best version of family, but the world has taught me that what would be required could not possibly have happened. the world is simply broken for creatures with brains like my own.

and i see no point in imagining 'parents but good'. death to counterfactuals.

i dont want a caregiver. i dont want someone who takes care of me out of some imaginary 'love'. i have never seen anyone be good at it, except to perform the signifiers of it. my disability fantasy is about taking not about giving.

thus, i really just dont get it. i dont understand what you all see. i look and i look and all i see is nothing. nonsense. unsubstantive. maybe im looking too closely. but i refuse to go back.

[goatgirleyes]

new hallucination unlocked: rotting hole in my hand. i dont even know where the hell that came from but like that was vivid. in the middle of a meal too and now im nauseous

[goatgirleyes]

it's kind of really embarrassing to be mewling and almost crying about something not only entirely in your head but also literally just something you need to do that wont even suck that bad

[goatgirleyes]

the least reliable girl in the world is wondering why no one is talking to her at this very moment