xjosephkavinsky:
“i don’t think,” – chin lifted, examining josh’s face with half-lidded eyes – “it’s YOU we’d have to worry about.” no, it’s the trial-and-error aspect of the process that is the worst. try a substance; see how it works — how it DOESN’T — back into the dream-place to try again. take as much as possible as fast as possible before the N I G H T M A R E S notice him. try not to bring them into reality. bring them back anyway. kill them. do it again. again. a g a i n.
he is getting worse at it. in henrietta, whatever magical fuckery running through the town had made it easier. K had laughed at ronan’s shitty attempts. but now, kavinsky’s lost his touch, and it’s like he’s fourteen again, grappling with something he didn’t understand. it feels … almost like fear. “but if that’s how you want it, sure. i’m good at destroying people. it’d be EASY.”
if only he understood what josh wants. better yet, understood WHY he wanted it. why did anyone want K? for the things he could GET them; for what he could DO for them. and that’s fair, because K is on another level with what he can do, so he doesn’t care. but what does josh want, right now? if he wanted drugs kavinsky would hand them over. if he wanted to fuck they wouldn’t be talking right now. if he wanted something concrete, he would have asked.
“YEAH i’d let you stay.” if kavinsky says it carelessly enough, it’s not an admission of anything, really. “passenger seats exist for a reason — COMPANY.” disinterested gaze following the movement as josh draws K’s wrist to his mouth. “guess you’re my ride-or-die bitch, washington.”
and suddenly he can’t pull away fast enough, and suddenly he’s the one fumbling desperately for a cigarette; clicking the lighter once, twice, three times, before it catches. because the idea of forgetting … the mindless EMPTINESS that would replace his memories … “you really wanna forget?”
“ not me, huh? “ it was like kavinsky didn’t UNDERSTAND what he was getting into with joshua, with his DEMONS. because he didn’t know much about kavinsky’s past, the very few tidbits that he’d been able to gather HERE or THERE and fathom into some sort of sense. but kavinsky HAD to remember that josh’s demons had a body count, didn’t he? there was no TELLING when he would snap, HOW it would go down, who he would hurt. and it was INEVITABLE that he would hurt.
but regardless of the danger he is posing, regardless of all the people he has HURT, all the lives he has ruined, the SINS he has committed, does he SERIOUSLY have a place to stay among kavinsky? does he DESERVE that in the very first place? a concrete place, a guarantee? some SAFE haven where he may always find himself a place, where he can EXPLODE and not worry about the damage. where he can BURN and BURN and kavinsky would put on his sunglasses and laugh?
maybe that is what josh wanted.
“ then shotgun? that’s MINE. always. “ and he means it. even if it means so very LITTLE to kavinsky, it means a lot to josh. because kavinsky doesn’t know everything, but he knows ENOUGH. he knows about the monster, maybe not about how you BECAME ONE in the very first place. he knew about josh’s body ripping apart and he still was willing to allow josh, this hideous creature, into his BED, into his CAR, let him stay. and maybe that could be enough.
but he THINKS, watches kavinsky struggle with his lighter, chews on his lip as he mulls over kavinsky’s question. “ not everything. “ he finally states, sliding against the brick wall of his apartment complex before he finally SITS, stares at his hands. “ i loved my sisters more than anything in this world and i let them die. i don’t want to forget that. it was a LESSON. “ a penance to his selfishness. “ but i would forget about the desperation. the ENDLESS hours of fruitless searching. my parent’s dismissal of their deaths after the funeral. i don’t--- know what to do with those memories. “
and he takes a DEEP breath, exhaling, not sure how to explain. “ i would forget about transforming. after you--- after you commit the crime, you are AWARE. you are aware every time something happens, as your BODY starts to become the monster’s and not yours. you are aware for all of it. and i want to forget it so BADLY. “ like hitting a reset button, like starting over. “ but i know i SHOULDN’T. “