I’ve been putting off this post for almost a month… To put this update to words, on the blog I’ve had for just under five years? I hoped to never need to update this blog again.
I guess I should start by updating you where my life is now. It’s currently September 2, 2015. I married an extremely kind, compassionate, patient and loving man on March 14, 2015. He grew up working hard building log homes with his dad, and on a farm with seven siblings, raised by two incredibly hard working and awesome parents. He’s in the middle of five sisters, one of which is extremely and wonderfully handicapped, and two younger brothers. All of this to say? (Aside from being the man of my dreams, a stud and the hardest worker I know!) Patience is his middle name, the Lord knew what I needed!Â
This is my husband Caleb, and he’s the best!
Marriage is hard, and also great and we’re learning a lot. These past five months we’ve been surrounded by trial after trial from the day we got married. Which we view as a blessing in many ways, because it’s forced us to grow that much closer, that much faster. We laugh about how our second year anniversary will be the BEST, and our ten year (and forty year!) will be even better!Â
Life has been hard. My cancer came back and my dad died within the same week and a half. But having Caleb makes it a little more bearable.Â
If you want to skip all of the details and scroll to the bottom for the specific protocol info and prayer requests, you’re welcome to. I have so many dear friends and family who’ve wanted to hear details, and I just haven’t had the emotional energy to talk about what’s been going on in much length. So I figured I’d write it here to those who want to know how to pray for us more specifically.
Twenty eight days ago, on August 5th my dad unexpectedly passed away. I still can’t believe I just wrote that… As most deaths are, it was shocking and heartbreaking and shook my family to our core. We’re all still in shock and in “go” mode. I’m overwhelmed, but also numb. Waves of extreme emotion come a little bit more frequently as time passes. It’s easy to say the right thing to give others peace of mind, but the reality is, this situation just sucks. It’s hard to have the right Sunday school attitude, and I don’t. But I know the truth, and am praying constantly that God will give me the right heart. That He’ll give me the strength to take each step, to trust Him, to have joy that literally transcends understanding. Sometimes I do and sometimes I don’t. I’m thankful to have a stable husband, a family who is walking through this together, five adorable nieces and nephews to lighten the mood, a church family that surrounds us all with love and support, faithfully praying for us and serving us. God is meeting all of our needs, and it’s a lot easier to be thankful when I count the blessings He’s providing in the midst of the storm.
I woke up Wednesday August 5th, terrified at the potential that my cancer had returned. It’s all I could think about for the week/s leading up to that morning of my diagnostic surgery.. A few hours after the surgery, still a little groggy from sedation, Caleb took my hands and told me the news about my dad. I’m glad I got to hear it from him. The day started in extreme anxiety and ended in loud, angry, hyperventilating, endless ugly crying tears. I’m not brave, I didn’t choose this. But God is giving me grace each moment to take another step.. He is providing the strength to carry on, because that strength doesn’t exist in me. It’s not my strength. It’s His.
Just two weeks prior to that day, I found a lump in my right armpit, all too familiar to the one I had when I was initially diagnosed. It was solid, painless, and the size of a bean. And it grew, not as fast as the first one, but it still grew pretty fast. Last time there was only one, and it grew to the size of a baseball within two weeks. This time it grew to the size of one of those bouncy balls, the kind I begged my parents to let me buy for a quarter in the toy / sticker machine at our local pizza shop growing up. Though it was smaller at the time of my surgery, this time there were a few lumps instead of just one. Last time, from the time of going to urgent care to being admitted into UCLA as an inpatient took less than two days. They diagnosed me within a few hours using a needle biopsy. This time, it took a month. My oncologist wanted to be thorough, as needle biopsies aren’t always 100% accurate.. So we scheduled the surgery which took about 2 weeks to get in, and then it took a week to get the results. The waiting was the hardest part. Sadly cancer is increasing rapidly among our population, so there just isn’t as much available space in the hospitals as there used to be. You don’t get attention unless you’re your own advocate, and even then it’s hard to get in. But once we got IN to the hospital, we got the best treatment and attention!
On Wednesday the 5th, I had my surgery and lost my dad. Because last time they admitted me so quickly, we planned my dads memorial service within a few days.. That way if they did want to admit me so quickly again, we wouldn’t need to prolong the necessary closure. Wednesday the 12th I got the call. My cancer relapsed, same kind as before: Acute T-Lymphoblastic Lymphoma, and Leukemia. Let’s be real, the prognosis of a relapsed cancer is always worst than initial diagnosis. I don’t know the specifics, in terms of what they expect my life span to be. Online statistics are scary, so I stopped googling it! All I know is that God has my days numbered, there is nothing I, or anyone else, can do to change HIS plans. But as far as I’m concerned, His plan is for me to fight, and I will work as hard as I possibly can to defy whatever my “odds” are. The good news is that I’m under 30, and I was in remission for a few months shy of 5 years, which means that of anyone else in my situation, I have the BEST chances! They’re going to treat it more intensely than before, I need a stem cell transplant for hope of complete remission, and stem cell transplants have many risks. This will be harder than before, but I’m much more prepared now than I was five years ago. So bring it on!
After getting the official diagnosis, Caleb and I came up with a game plan… Because we’re young self employed newlyweds who are still building our businesses (and I’m now out of work for a prolonged period of time), and also because my mom was in that big house all alone so freshly after my dads death, it made sense for us to move in with her. This is honestly the best thing for all of us, to have each other! It’s a huge blessing. I’m so thankful to live in such a beautiful place (where we got married too - what happy memories to relive every morning as I sip my tea!). We packed our things the entire next day, then had a full day of tests, and then moved the following day. It was the craziest week of my life, but God gave us the strength to just keep moving. We were just waiting for the call where they had a bed available for me.. Everything happened so fast there has been no time to breathe, think, grieve, or respond to texts (as encouraging as they are!). I still barely look at my phone, but when I do I’m so encouraged by my friends who care and reach out. I’m sorry if you have reached out and didn’t hear back from me though! I just don’t have the energy to answer questions or talk about it. Hence why this blog post has taken me a month to write! But I really really really appreciate how our friends, family and acquaintances have come around me in love. I feel and cherish it.
Anyone who knows me well knows that I’m a huge advocate for living a healthy lifestyle and pursuing alternative cancer therapies. I’ve seen countless people first hand (at least 9, off the top of my head) who have treated their cancers naturally. I never wanted to do chemo again. But the hard part was, no matter how many cancer books I read, how many alternative oncologists outside the US (It’s not legal here to treat your cancer naturally), and no matter how many hours and years I spent researching online, there is not a single testimony of treating my cancer naturally. In fact, even among the most respected natural alternative cancer doctors and clinics (Gerson, Sanoviv, Oasis, Ty Bollinger, Mercola, Russell Baylock, to name a few who I’ve either spoken with directly or read from), they’ve all said the same thing: acute lymphomas and leukemias are the only kind of cancer that’s successful with modern western cancer treatment, and not successful naturally. Most localized cancers are treatable naturally. So are chronic, slower growing cancers.Â
On the one hand, I’m thankful for clarity and wish I knew this a few years ago. But this is also hard for me, because I don’t have control over this! But the reality is, no matter how hard we “work”, or how much we “do”, no one has control over their numbered days! Isn’t that the endless battle as a believer, opening your hands and trusting God even when life doesn’t make sense? I’m reminded again, that He has a plan. Even though I don’t understand, He does. And that is enough.Â
I’m thankful to have a Savior, and a rock to rest in. Nutrition isn’t my god. Control isn’t my god. I am not my god! It’s freeing to say that outloud, to give this up to the One True God and choose to believe that He has a plan in this.
A pastor and friend of ours came and visited when I was in the hospital last week, and brought up a really encouraging point to me about that though. If I don’t have ANY control over this cancer, and my prognosis isn’t super promising, HOW much more amazing and miraculous does that make God, if He cures me? He literally gave me the ONE sickness that I have no power or control over. He is giving me the opportunity to learn the most important lesson that I can learn, even more than I ever imagined I’d learn it… To trust God. I am forced on my knees and forced to trust because I have no other option, but I know that this is what’s best for me. I am reminded again how He loves me, and is sovereign, and He is good.
All I can do is open my hands, the lesson that I learned so prevalently five years ago, yet have so quickly forgotten once things started going “my way”. He created the whole world, He can do anything! And Lord knows, every other time in my life, He’s always been faithful, but also doesn’t hand me everything that I want when I want it. He is not a vending machine, but my Heavenly Father who wants to help me grow. What’s more growing and sanctifying (and hard!) than waiting?Â
WHEW! Can you believe I’ve been slowly writing this post for the last two weeks? It’s LONG.
SO! Here’s my simplified treatment plan. It is completely different than the first time, so this is all new to me. Last week they admitted me to see how I responded to their chemo protocol. My chemo is a (so far) slightly more mild chemo called Nelarabine. My cycles rotate every 21 days, on days 1, 3, and 5 I get a whole bunch of Nelarabine. The rest of the days I recover from that chemo. Some side effects don’t show up until after 2 weeks, and so far it’s been 1 week. But so far it’s been doable! After my first 5 days, they let me go home to be an outpatient because of my good counts. They’re still monitoring me, but it is SUCH a blessing to be home. They will repeat this 21 day cycle twice, and then reevaluate how I’m doing. It looks like I may be able to be an outpatient during these cycles of chemo, but that’s still TBD. I’ll definitely be immunocompromised though, so I’ll obviously lay low and avoid public places (or wear a dorky surgical mask when in public) for this season. IF I’m in remission after two cycles, then ONCE they find my stem cell doner match, they will start the stem cell transplant. But they can’t start the transplant process until I go into remission, and if I’m not in remission they will either do a different, more invasive chemo protocol, or clinical trials. If I’m in remission but they don’t find a match, then I will continue on this protocol until they find a match. Once they start the transplant process, I will be admitted back into UCLA for intensive chemo, and lots of full body radiation. This will be significantly harder than anything I’ve done before, BUT it’s shorter. I’d rather have 6 intense, hard months than 3 years drawn out of chemo again. It will take 1-2 years to recover from the stem cell transplant, and the first year my immune system will be like a newborn baby. So I’ll be monitored carefully and be extra cautious as I recover.
Please pray:
1. That I would find my trust, hope, peace and joy in the Lord. Not in my circumstances.
2. That Caleb and I continue to grow together, and grow closer to the Lord together through this. That these trials would be a blessing to our marriage, rather than a burden.
3. For my mom, as she grieves the loss of my dad. For my family, that we grieve his loss biblically. That we can make sense of this and grow closer to the Lord through it.
4. That I would have a joyful attitude despite how hard this is. So I can be a light to my doctors, nurses, unbelieving friends, and an example to my nieces and nephews.
5. That people who don’t know Christ would see this situation on the outside looking in, and want to know Him because of it. That would make this worth it.
6. That God would give Caleb peace and joy too. And that God would provide, as Caleb works hard to provide for us.
7. That this chemo puts me into remission.
8. That we find a match for my transplant. (We may be doing a drive in the future, will post when we have more details)
9. That my body accepts those stem cells, and that I don’t get graft vs. host disease.
10. That I STAY in remission after all of this treatment!
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