Going Seventy, Darling

I will make it to 70, and well

[goingseventy]

So, I am in another friendship crisis again. I thought a lot about what led to this happening, again. The main reason was clear: boundary. I know it well, but I still feel uncomfortable. My brain knows well that reducing contact or generally setting boundaries in a disciplined manner for a while is the best decision, but my state of mind has a harder time to comply with it. I am feeling uneasy about doing this, but then I learned that it’s also normal to feel that way. I felt truly hurt when I was attacked suddenly, “you’re not trying to avoid me, right?” I will not forget that text. And it’s because I didn’t respond to her text immediately. She ranted about her problem in a direct manner at night when I was ready to sleep early after an exhausting day. The next day, I was still busy and had no emotional capacity to respond to such a heavy text until late afternoon. She texted me two times. In the morning, she asked me if I was busy. Then followed with that text in the afternoon. I was only able to use my phone two hours after the last message. And I blew up immediately. The thing I still don't understand is where the thought I was avoiding her even came from. But one thing I am sure after that, we should distance ourselves from each other for some time. I am the one who needs it more. Because some time before that day, her poor behavior and negativity toward anyone or anything was already clear. So, all it takes is one bad day for me to blow up. It’s like a ticking bomb. My response was pointing out that I never ignore anyone’s text, I'll get back to you as soon as I can. That she’s not the only one with life and problems, I have my own share too. So, please ask me if I am available to hear yours because damn we are almost in our 30s, do I need to explain further? Expecting me to give an immediate answer all the time while neglecting basic decency is completely unfair. That last text really hurt me deeply. The way she wanted to change the topic immediately after that text like it’s nothing? How immature. I need you to know that your action is wrong and it’s not okay at all to treat this situation like it’s nothing. There is other stuff too. I also told her that she’s been treating me like her personal dumpster, and it’s not right. She rejected that, but her action showed the opposite. And that’s why I needed to get this straight quickly.

[goingseventy]

I will never forget what happened to me from January to April this year. Life has fucked me up so bad that I can't trust anyone anymore. And if I was disrespected one more time like that, I will not hesitate to cut ties.

[goingseventy]

So, I am in another friendship crisis again. I thought a lot about what led to this happening, again. The main reason was clear: boundary. I know it well, but I still feel uncomfortable. My brain knows well that reducing contact or generally setting boundaries in a disciplined manner for a while is the best decision, but my state of mind has a harder time to comply with it. I am feeling uneasy about doing this, but then I learned that it’s also normal to feel that way. I felt truly hurt when I was attacked suddenly, “you’re not trying to avoid me, right?” I will not forget that text. And it’s because I didn’t respond to her text immediately. She ranted about her problem in a direct manner at night when I was ready to sleep early after an exhausting day. The next day, I was still busy and had no emotional capacity to respond to such a heavy text until late afternoon. She texted me two times. In the morning, she asked me if I was busy. Then followed with that text in the afternoon. I was only able to use my phone two hours after the last message. And I blew up immediately. The thing I still don't understand is where the thought I was avoiding her even came from. But one thing I am sure after that, we should distance ourselves from each other for some time. I am the one who needs it more. Because some time before that day, her poor behavior and negativity toward anyone or anything was already clear. So, all it takes is one bad day for me to blow up. It’s like a ticking bomb. My response was pointing out that I never ignore anyone’s text, I'll get back to you as soon as I can. That she’s not the only one with life and problems, I have my own share too. So, please ask me if I am available to hear yours because damn we are almost in our 30s, do I need to explain further? Expecting me to give an immediate answer all the time while neglecting basic decency is completely unfair. That last text really hurt me deeply. The way she wanted to change the topic immediately after that text like it’s nothing? How immature. I need you to know that your action is wrong and it’s not okay at all to treat this situation like it’s nothing. There is other stuff too. I also told her that she’s been treating me like her personal dumpster, and it’s not right. She rejected that, but her action showed the opposite. And that’s why I needed to get this straight quickly.

[goingseventy]

i really want to give up

[goingseventy]

I feel so stupid.

[goingseventy]

[goingseventy]

when things getting so hard (my fault actually) and I'm ready to book tickets for out of town trips, so I can spend time with my favorite friend...

[goingseventy]

I'm looking forward two things at the same, and both are everything to me at the moment. May I be lucky enough to have both.

[goingseventy]

Lucky because I deserve it 🤞🏻

[goingseventy]

I'm looking forward two things at the same, and both are everything to me at the moment. May I be lucky enough to have both.

[goingseventy]

[goingseventy]

[goingseventy]

[goingseventy]

28 things I feel about being in the mid of 28

Unlike that gratitude post, I actually have a lot to say on what I feel about being 28. But still, can I actually make it to 28?

1. Lonely, but also not that lonely

I lost some friends… might be for good, might be not. But, I also made new friends. I am actually still struggling with some things related to friendship, especially the older ones. Friendship at the age of 28 is a whole new experience. 

When I’m not feeling good about myself, I don’t feel like meeting just anyone, and that’s normal. In one case, this friend insisted on meeting almost every month. I’d casually declined because I really can’t make it. Coincidentally, every time they asked, I just wasn’t able to go. When I offered alternatives, they rejected. But over time, they started trying different ways to push me into saying yes. That’s when it hit me, and honestly, it scared me.

Basically, I’m already not in a good state to begin with. Being in such a state and still having to deal with kind people while doing my best to stay polite is tough.

We’re long time friend. After quite some years of no real conversation (read: actual quality time), their life also seemed like getting better (though I know nothing beyond posts), my life (the only thing I know well) has changed quite drastically. I know my life has sucked lately and I don’t want to give them the opportunity to pity me whatsoever (I know them well). 

I started to wonder if I am the one who actually wants to end the friendship. I also rant about this issue everywhere with a hope to learn better insights. Including talking to other friends.

This issue is a bit tough because of the fact that we’ve known each other for almost two decades. Also, this is not our first issue. 

2. Maintaining healthy boundary at this age has felt like a completely new experience

It’s easier to set healthy boundaries with new people than with those who used to know me. Not all though, only some. It’s just that something so simple can turn into a huge problem for some people. Well, this one is still related to point 1. 

Some people only remember me as the person I was the last time we crossed paths, but they forgot to treat me decently. I know I sound dramatic here but, I feel like some of these people act like I never have a problem that could radicalize me into someone they can’t recognize at all.

It usually gets clearer when I talk it out to them. However, life is life. I wish I can solve this problem altogether. But again, life is life. 

I am only at point number 2 and it’s already this long.

3. Never center my life around money, I’m worth so much more than just being a money maker

This is so serious for me. I started getting into it, and hate it so much. 

I can’t control how people perceive, think, and act surely. But I can always control myself. That my mind and body must stay healthy on its own, and not because someone else asked me to.

4. Find hobbies

By the age 28, there are hobbies I no longer enjoy. Maybe I am having a severe slump rather than being bored, I quit long enough that I had to start from zero again. It was drawing. I still have a long way to go now.

I even told a friend to have hobbies once. I feel like it’s actually necessary for adults to have at least one hobby for stress relief, and might as well personal growth. 

5. Be more assertive in building supportive environment

Find what kind of environment is good for you. You have two options though. First, build your own supportive environment. And if you can’t, find one that accommodates you. Both are equally tough to come true. You (read: me) must work hard to make it happen and sustain it well. 

Well, it turns out it's also difficult to write 28 points. However, I’ll be back when I have something to say

[goingseventy]

[goingseventy]

[goingseventy]

At the age of twenty-one, when your progressed Sun moves through Pisces, you become more emotionally sensitive, develop a greater sense of working toward your dreams, or have more access to your inner world.

[goingseventy]

At the age of fifty-one there is a turning point as your progressed Sun enters Aries. This influence can start to make you more confident, assertive, and dynamic as you really start to come into your own.

[goingseventy]

At the age of twenty-one, when your progressed Sun moves through Pisces, you become more emotionally sensitive, develop a greater sense of working toward your dreams, or have more access to your inner world.

[goingseventy]