maybe i really want to die
summery : Y\N Mayfield has to move with her strange family from warm California, where everything has just begun to get better, to the gloomy town of Hawkins.
TW's – alcohol, domestic violence, smoking, selfharm, mentioning of suicide \ drugs, psychological problems.
It was hard for you to move, it was unbearably painful and insulting to part with the friends who had just appeared, but Neil (your most terrible stepfather in the world) and mom decided everything for the kids. Your stepbrother Billy was especially unhappy. He seems to have hated the whole world with the move, and especially his sisters. Although, you did not consider him a brother, and your relationship with him was almost always built on mutual hatred. Billy was ruining your and Max's life, and you both were even afraid of him. And you were also very afraid of your stepfather, he was a terrible person and reminded you of your father. He was also cruel and allowed himself to raise his hand against you and your mother, although Max was just a baby then, and she didn't remember all this, and that's why she missed her father.
You missed Caden most of all, a guy with whom it seems for the first time in a long time you had a chance. Yes, it's worth saying that you stood out in many ways in your family, including your love for your boyfriend. Max and mom didn't know about it, and even more so Neil didn't know, it was all kept in the strictest secret, but the hated brother still found out, accidentally caught you kissing a classmate a few years ago, and since then he has often used this knowledge for blackmail. You hated him for it. And in general, a lot more for that.
The first day at school promised to be terrible, you knew you wouldn't get used to school, there wasn't much left to study, and then you would run away from your family as far as possible, possibly taking Max with you, after all, you love her.
You looked in the mirror : long black hair that simply could not be styled, cold gray eyes, like dad's, like the rest of you, which is why you hated your appearance and was insanely jealous of your red-haired sister. You were very pale and skinny, even painfully skinny, you were used to hiding sharp shoulders under wide shirts and jeans, and dark circles under your eyes were easily hidden by powder. Your appearance could seem repulsive to many, and that's exactly what you wanted, you did not like attention, but you were definitely not quiet.
Still, all three children had something in common, they knew how to stand up for themselves and were the owners of sharp tongues, they were able to respond with a barb to a barb.
You hated people's eyes fixed on you, or rather on Billy. Well, of course, in a couple of weeks he will be a star, or even tomorrow, though everyone will be afraid of him, and he will behave disgustingly, but you had already got used to this, although sometimes Billy still managed to bring you to tears, he adored doing it, feeling his power and strength, for sure like his father, you usually thought so.
— Hi, I'm Nancy. — a very cute curly-haired girl turned to her. For sure an excellent student and a good girl — flashed through your head, but the eyes and smile of this Nancy hooked Mayfield, there was something unusual in this girl, something that is not in other teenagers. You were silent for too long
— I'm Y\N Mayfield, but it's better just Y\N. — you stretched out your hand, forcing out a semblance of a smile, maybe it's not so bad?
More screams, again Neil shouted at mom, and at Billy, dishes flew, Max locked herself in her room. But you did not have time, you found yourself in the epicenter of the quarrel, seeing Billy pressing his hand to his inflamed cheek, it was scary, always like the first time, you always remembered your father. How he threw you to the floor and whipped you with a heavy buckle, and how Neil gave you slaps that made your legs give way, tears glistened in your eyes, everyone was to blame today, but mom especially.
— Oh my God, fuck off already, don't touch mom! — you selflessly and stupidly stood between your mother and Neil, catching your brother's gaze on you, who only said that you were a complete idiot, and that right now you would fall to the floor from a blow, and that's what happened. As usual.
— Get out of my sight! And not a sound from you!— Neil shouted.
— Yes, sir. — Billy said, and you echoed him softly, trying to quickly close yourself in the room, in a small safe island.
A thin trickle of scarlet blood ran down your leg, rolling down to your ankle, you squeezed your eyes shut, hissed with pain, so insignificant compared to the pain in your heart and soul. Yes, cutting yourself with a small stationery knife has become the best solution to all your problems, for the past six years. All your legs and arms were covered with scars, of all kinds. Small, barely noticeable and deep, reminiscent of particularly difficult days. You liked to feel pain, you liked to see blood on your thin, starved body. Yes, you resorted to all kinds of self-harm, took a hot shower that burned painfully, scratched and bit the skin, got into fights, and then examined bruises and abrasions with special pleasure, starved, did not sleep, smoked, and not only cigarettes. You tried in every way to end your life as quickly as possible. But you just didn't have the fortitude to commit suicide. All you could do was quietly sob in your room, hugging your bloody knees and afraid that someone would hear you, that someone would see your scars. That's why you never even wore T-shirts, the last couple of years, when there were especially many scars, you even stopped going to the beach, justifying it by saying that you were tired of them. And the parents believed, for the most part they did not care about the children, the main thing was that they were not starving, and everything else was not considered a problem. This hurt you, you felt that the whole world was against you, and especially your family.
— Get up, we're going to be late because of you! — a furious knock that made the door shake.
— And good morning to you. — you hissed, sliding out of bed, your cute "brother" often woke you up like that, and also liked to bang into the bathroom when you stayed there for longer than 15 minutes. But you didn't always hate each other, and even now your relationship with him wasn't as terrible as Max's with him, probably because of their age. After all, you and Billy were the same age, and yet you sometimes had to communicate while in the same dig. In childhood, you were even friends, until Billy became a jerk who bullied everyone around, and especially his sisters.
You, frowning, sat in the backseat, you were already sick of the smell of your brother's cologne and his half-unbuttoned shirt, and the way you rolled your eyes did not go unnoticed. Billy looked at you angrily.
— You would also need to dress up well, you look like a ragamuffin, stay away from me at school.
— With pleasure. — you replied in the same arrogant, hissing voice of irritation.
Billy didn't like his sisters, or rather, he didn't admit it, but he always protected them, albeit in his own way. He also hated his father and the new city, foggy and gloomy. Billy was sick of it here, but every second was ready to give herself to him and it was great flattering. You, he noticed, also became even more gloomy and unsociable here, of course, yiu had to break up with your boyfriend. Hargrove grimaced, his sister is a fox, what a strange fuck. Billy didn't think it was a bad thing, but he knew it was better to keep quiet about it. After all, even despite the disgusting relationship with you, he did not want you to be sent to some correctional school, and your father could have done that.
The first thing you learned at school was that sweet Nancy, who you liked so much, has a boyfriend. Yes, and some kind of school king Steve Harrington, but how else. You had long since come to terms with loneliness, you will never be able to find someone for yourself, but it was always painful and insulting like the first time.
— Hi. — Nance was smiling at you.
— Hi. — you slipped past as quickly as possible, you didn't really want to watch Wheeler kissing this Harrington.
— Who is this? — Steve asked in surprise.
— A new girl, recently moved in. — Nancy shrugged her shoulders.
— She is hella weird. — Steve scratched his head thoughtfully, and Wheeler just shrugged, you pretended not to hear, although the definition of "weird" was not offensive, you were usually called much more rude in other words, Harrington picked up the most "cute".
You wonder what he would say if he knew who your brother was. You knew Billy had already hated Steve and was now trying to ruin his life, nothing new, Hargrove is synonymous with the word asshole.
— Ugh, where is this red-haired bitch. — Billy was angry while you were sitting in the front seat, Max was late.
— You're in a hurry somewhere? — you said wearily
— Shut up. — Billy threw a cigarette out the window and drove out of the parking lot. Max, he apparently decided not to wait.
— Why are you so angry, who turned out to be better than you this time. — you asked maliciously.
— Don't start that. — Billy pressed the gas pedal harder, which made you feel uncomfortable, you didn't like such extreme driving
— No, seriously. — you continued to bring your brother to emotions
— The date didn't happen, although, how do you know what it is. — Billy smiled maliciously when he mentioned you liked a girl once.
— If you hadn't fucked everyone I like, maybe I would have gone on dates! — you almost shouted it, which caused Billy to laugh, loud, frightening.
— If you could, you'd fuck all these girls too. — Billy continued. — I'm sure you'd be a whore
— Shut up! Do you even know what feelings are? Or all you can do is fuck everyone? — Billy was smiling, all this mini hysteria of his sister gave him pleasure.
— Well, well, scream again, it's terribly funny, you might think you loved someone, you just like me — like boobs. — these words made it especially painful, of course, Billy had no idea how much you loved Monica. And Hargrove just took and fucked her in the backyard of their house, just broke your heart.
— You're just disgusting, just like your father. —you hissed Billy slammed on the brakes, stopping at the curb, you jerked forward.
— What did you just say, retard? — Billy whispered it, painfully grabbing you by the wrist, his look became scary, very much, he resembled the look of Neil or his father, only there was more rage in him than disgust.
— Let go, it hurts me. — you tried to pull your hand away, but Billy held tight, it hurt terribly, your fingers were numb.
— Repeat that, bitch. — Hargrove shouted.
— God, let me go. — tears came out of pain and fear, it seemed to you that is what Billy wanted.
— Don't you dare compare me with him! Understand? — the whisper was scarier than a scream.
— I understood. — you were crying, which made your voice tremble, Billy abruptly threw your hand away and pressed the gas pedal, the car abruptly took off. You wiped your tears and turned to the window, seeing his face was unbearable.
In the evening, you locked yourself in the room, the tears kept flowing and flowing, it was a real tantrum and you still couldn't calm down, Billy today again reminded about Monica and what an asshole he was, and Neil too, again yelled at your mother for a cold dinner. He smashed another mug against the wall. At least Hargrove Jr. was not at home, he left for another "date". The cold blade burned the even colder skin of the wrist, the blood on the skin looked like berries on snow, you were so pale. Then you beat your feet until your knuckles hurt, you hated yourself and this world, this city, Neil, Billy, hated everyone, so it seemed to you in these moments of uncontrolled anger directed at yourself.
The bruises on your legs flashed purple very quickly, you looked at them in the mirror with sick pleasure while you were getting dressed. You could smoke right in the room, like your brother did. But you liked much more to escape through the window, walking a couple of meters away and smoking behind the house in a small courtyard, where the windows of your parents' bedroom did not go out. Today, though, you were smoking weed, bought from a local guy named Eddie, he was pretty cute. He even managed to make you laugh, and very few people succeeded. You thought that he could be your friend in this vile city.
Billy looked at his sister through the window, you seemed to him frighteningly pale and sickly, like from horror movies. Sometimes he even thought that you were dying, at these moments it became unpleasant from these thoughts, yes, he hated you, but without your snide remarks and jokes, without your screams it would be too lonely. He watched as his sister wrapped yourself in a huge sweater, his sweater. You often stole his things, then got paid for it, sometimes Billy even tore you T-shirts in retaliation, and you cut his shirts, it was a long time ago when you both just started on the path of this hatred. Right now Billy just didn't care, most of the time he ignored your existence. But for some reason, seeing you from the window, he felt uneasy, as if his "sister", who, so, had always been strange, was finally lost. Billy would have liked you to break down before he did.
— Why are you standing there like a ghost? — Billy spoke from the window, watching with pleasure as you twitched in fright.
Mayfield, abruptly showing the middle finger, went back into the house.
Billy made you cry again today when he lied about you starting a fight, just stood up for some bitch who tripped you up. Of course, you didn't really count on your brother's help, but you looked at him with such hope, and he's just an asshole, as always. It's insulting and painful when your "family" is against you. Of course, the moral pain turned into a physical one again, sitting on math, you just bit your plump lips in blood. And in the evening you bought something more serious from Eddie than weed, hoping to get stoned in my room and not hear the screams of relatives. The plan failed, there was a scandal at home. You and Max locked yourselves in the older sister's room, and hugged with a sinking heart listened to what was happening in the living room. Billy always got the most, Neil did not restrain himself when he beat his own son, the scariest thing for you was to hear Billy scream in response, and it was also creepy to see his tears, because it meant that everything was really bad. You squeezed your eyes shut, hearing the sound of a bang and a crash, apparently Billy had just flown into the closet. Mom's scream made you feel sick, you really tried to protect Billy, because he was like your family, but you were powerless. Max shuddered too. You felt sorry for Billy to some extent, his father was a monster and tortured Billy and your mom. It's terribly cruel and unfair.
When the screams subsided and the door to Billy's room slammed shut, you took out a small first aid kit from under the bed, and then soaked a towel with cold water, Billy was forbidden to leave the room and apply ice to the places of blows, but he and you had an unspoken rule, when everything was really bad, you both forgot about hatred and helped, united in opposition to the Nile.
You quietly entered your brother's room, he didn't even look at you, but you saw blood on his shirt, it seemed to be dripping from his nose or lips. You stopped being nice to him a long time ago, so you just threw a towel at him, which he caught on the fly and put a first aid kit on the edge of the bed, suddenly useful.
— Thank you. — he whispered softly, barely discernible.
— No problem. — it seems you answered with your lips alone, leaving the room in ringing silence.
Life seemed unbearable to you, school seemed to be the worst place in the world, even though Eddie sometimes improved your days. Neil continued to be a disgusting stepfather, Billy a terrible brother, and Max had found new friends, and now you felt completely alone. It was maddening. There were more and more scars on the white skin, but the bruises also appeared thanks to the stepfather. Yesterday he beat you decently, you screamed and cried, and he kept going, and the worst thing was, no one could protect you. And now the cheek hurt, the wrists turned blue from the death grip, which was felt even a day after the scandal.
It hurt Billy to watch you cry, and the feeling of fear was transmitted to him. And Billy hated that feeling, but what could he do, he's a damn weakling who's afraid of his own father. Your plaintive sobs made you dizzy, the second sister was sobbing behind the wall, it was disgusting, all this made you angry. But Billy endured and was afraid. And his sisters, too, and his stepmother, all of them seemed to be hostages. And it's not just about physical strength. His father was able to beat morally, destroy from within, put pressure on the most painful, Billy often cried not from pain, but from his father's words, all Hargrove Jr. dreamed of was to return to his mother, but it was impossible. That's why the tears, from despair, and Billy was sure you were crying for the same reason.
— Take this. — Billy held out the frozen vegetables, sat down on the bed.
— And why are you frozen, go away. — you asked quietly but insistently, and then suddenly a tear rolled down your cheek, Billy looked at you in surprise, now your tears did not give pleasure as usual.
— What's going on? – he poked you with his elbow.
— Everything is fine, the city sucks, get out. — you wiped your tears and turned away, Billy just grinned and left, slamming the door. — Idiot. — you threw angrily at his back.
You put down the ice and took out the "magic" candies you had bought from Eddie, hidden for a bad day, and threw everything into your mouth at once, leaned back on the bed. The effect was fast, the world swam before your eyes, began to blur with bright spots, it seemed to you that you were in weightlessness, that there was nothing around and you were just lying in emptiness, all thoughts had disappeared somewhere, and all fresh cuts and bruises stopped hurting, it seems that this was the best way you used to end your life faster.
The week turned out to be just awful, and you decided to go to a party of high school students, not expecting at all that everything would end sadly. You were sitting in a room on the second floor, smoking, and then some guy came there, you didn't even know him.
— Well, why the fuck are you so stubborn? — he brazenly ran his hand under your skirt, squeezing your leg, you jerked, but he held you tightly by the waist.
— Fuck off, you're not my type. — you continued trying to escape, but the guy was clearly stronger, he pinned you with his whole body to the bed.
You tried to bite his hand, which he was holding over your mouth and call for help. It didn't work out, only a ringing slap flew across your face.
— Shut up, bitch, or it will get worse. — he squeezed your wrists painfully, pulling off your underwear.
You struggled, bit, and he kept holding and whipping you in the face. You were crying and trying to scream, but it didn't work out. You could not believe that yiu would be taken by force for the first time, it was scary, there was only one thought in your head, no one would come to help. Your tormentor was already trying to pull off your blouse when the bedroom door opened abruptly. You didn't immediately understand who entered, but you tried your best to make it clear that you needed help.
— Get the fuck away from her. — the voice is more like a growl. The rapist turned pale, he probably knew whose sister you were and was afraid of your brother, who was destroying him with a look right now. A sharp blow put the asshole on the floor, blood gushed from his nose. You quickly covered yourself up, trying to find the rest of your clothes. Billy beat him brutally, could have killed him, it seems the guy lying on the floor lost a couple of teeth, and Hargrove continued to beat him furiously, he didn't care about the rule "lying down don't beat". And when the loser lost consciousness, Billy threw him out the door like a piece of rag. Then he picked up his sister's underwear from the floor and threw it to you.
— Thank you. — you whispered softly, your voice shaking more than your knees.
— Get ready faster, let's get the fuck home. — Billy growled, as if accusing you of having to leave the party earlier. You go down to your "brother's" car as quickly as possible. Your legs are still shaking, it makes it very difficult to walk, it seems that you are about to fall.
Hot water burns painfully, you want to wash off this whole day, from disgust for yourself and your body. You just want to peel off your skin, mascara smears on your face, you rub yourself to the blood with a washcloth. You want to forget about these disgusting touches. The next stage is to turn your legs into a bloody mess again, again you grab an old stationery knife. And as soon as you spent the first time on the tortured skin, the door to the room opened abruptly.
— Fuck. — you jumped out of bed abruptly, still clutching the knife, you did not understand how it was possible to forget to close the door.
— What the fuck is this. — Billy exhaled, seeing blood dripping on the floor.
— None of your business. — you put the knife down on the bed and wanted to roll out your pant leg, but the "brother" had already seen the scars. He slowly closed the door, approached you.
— You're totally fucked up. — he barely restrained his scream, realizing that it's better for parents not to see this.
— Maybe I am, why does it matter to you? — roughly you tried to push the guy away. Billy grabbed your arm. Rolling up the sleeve of the shirt, then the second, and the pant legs. His eyes widened in horror.
— What the fuck is this. — he continued to hold you wrist, without taking his eyes off the many scars, bruises and burns.
— That is. None. Of your. Business. — you said.
— Oh no, it is, the fuck you're doing this for? — Billy didn't understand anything, but he was terribly angry at his fucking sister, if you killed yourself, Billy's life would become even worse, all the anger of his father would be directed at him alone.
— I'm not going to explain anything to you. — you tried to pull your hand out of your brother's tight grip.
— No, you will! Otherwise, I'll tell parents about everything and let them take you to a shrink. — Billy growled.
— You won't do it! — tears flowed from your eyes, it was scary to imagine what would happen if Neil found out about it.
— Then answer me. How long ago and why, immediately! – Billy abruptly grabbed you by the shoulders, shaking you.
— About six years, because of you, Neil and other assholes in my life, which I hate! — you shouted into his face, tears streaming down you cheeks. Billy abruptly pushed you away.
— Because of me too? Maybe you really want to die too? — he was angry and you were scared.
— Maybe I really want to die. — you said it very quietly, Billy froze, these words made him sick, made you break down. You gave up. On the one hand, Billy felt victory, he is not as weak as his "sister", but on the other hand, for the first time he was really scared for you.
— Give me the knife. — he stretched out his hand, you backed away, clearly not wanting to give it away. Then Hargrove abruptly threw you to the door, grabbed a knife, and conducted a real search, taking away everything that could harm you.
— Don't you dare, this is mine. — you tried to block his way.
— Fuck you, crazy. — he easily pushed you away, and slamming the door, left.
Megan quietly sank to the floor, hugging your knees with your hands. You were sobbing soundlessly, shuddering all over, choking on your own tears. You knew he wasn't scared for your life, he just decided to take away something important again. You beat the floor angrily, breaking your hands into blood. In your head, a voice almost screamed — I hate, I hate, I hate!
You didn't want to go home, it was already about 10 pm, and you were slowly approaching the house, your thoughts were still blurred, because you had spent the last couple of hours with Eddie. When you went home, you immediately felt that something was wrong. The whole family was sitting at the kitchen table. Mom was in tears, Max was paler than a sheet of paper and with tear-stained eyes, and even Billy's look was as if someone had died. Your blood turned cold and your hands shook from the look of your stepfather, he looked at you with such anger and disgust, like an animal on prey, it seemed he wanted to kill you.
— Hello?.. — you began uncertainly.
— The little bitch has appeared! — stepfather grabbed you by the jacket, hitting you painfully against the wall, and pressing your shoulder blades against the closet.
— God, I didn't do anything. — you looked for help with your eyes, your mother stood wringing her hands and lowering her head, Max covered her eyes with fear, and Billy.. Billy jumped up from his seat and took a few steps to his father, since he is ready to protect you, apparently this is the end, the irreparable happened and you are going to be killed now.
— You didn't do anything, you little pervert? — stepfather waved a black notebook in front of your face.
— Where did you get my diary from? — you croaked.
— I'm asking the questions here! — stepfather shook you with such force that your head was spinning — So Caden, right? Little whore, we didn't raise you like this! — you were crying, squeezing your whole body into a ball. — Maybe you should be sent to a Catholic school, you'll be brainwashed there quickly, and you're an ungrateful bastard?! — he shook you again. — Or maybe I should find you a boyfriend myself? Answer me! I'm talking to you! — anger overcame the fear inside, or maybe it was because the drugs turned off the instinct of self-preservation.
— Fuck you. — you growled through your teeth, seeing the rage in Neil's eyes.
— What did you say? — everyone's blood was freezing, Billy looked at his sister with horror, it seems that you really didn't appreciate life, because to say such a thing to her father is tantamount to suicide.
— I can fuck with anyone I want, you don't tell me, you're nobody to me at all! — you forcefully pushed your stepfather away.
— Scum! — the slap knocked you down, you clutched your cheek, tears blurred your eyes, you couldn't see anything.
— Get out of my house! — you froze.
— Mom... — you were looking for help. He can't just throw you out on the street, but your mother won't help, it's more important for her to stay with a roof over her head. And where will she go with two children without anything at all.
— Get out! And don't you dare come back, you fucking retard! — you jumped to your feet and started running, not really knowing where. But with one goal, to finish it all.
Billy replayed your words with horror — "Maybe I really want to die." There was only one place in this disgusting city to finish everything, and Billy wanted to be on time so damn badly. He knew, now he knew for sure that you were capable of this, and despite hating you, he definitely did not want your death, and now, apparently, he alone could help his sister.
You looked down from the cliff by the lake, a huge height, one step — and you're dead, everything will end, there will be no more pain, fear, tears, nothing. The cold wind ruffled your hair, tears flowed and flowed, you tightly squeezed your eyes shut, taking the last step..
— Hey, fuckin stop! — strong hands grabbed you at the last moment, pulling you away from the edge with force. You resisted, bit, kicked, trying in every possible way to force your brother to let you go.
— You cant even let me die in peace! — you shouted.
— Calm down, motherfucker. — Billy tightened his grip on your waist.
— What difference does it make to you, you hate me anyway! — you became hysterical, and then went limp in your brother's arms, choking on tears. Billy turned you around to face him and took you by the shoulders.
— It's not like that, of course, I'm not thrilled with you, but you don't deserve to die yet. — and then he did what none of them expected, he hugged his sister tightly to him, blocking the whole world with his body. You grabbed his shirt, squeezed it, as if you were afraid he would let you go. You sobbed, clinging to the chest of your "brother", choking, and he just kept silent, gently stroking your shaggy hair. You didn't know exactly how long it took before you could breathe again, you both were sitting on the grass as far away from the cliff as possible.
— I still don't know what to do next. — you took a cigarette from your brother's hands.
— We'll figure something out, sister. — this word made you feel somehow awkward, uncomfortable
— Don't call me that, it's weird. — you muttered, snuggling up to your brother.
— Okay. — grinned Billy, putting his arm around your shoulders.
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