blah. blah. getting older. burnout. crashes & catches on fire rant.
think I’m gonna be real frank with you guys and probably say that I don’t exactly have a plan with my indie ocs and Jovie for tumb.lr atm. I think I am suffering from extreme burnout when it comes to the indie scene here on tumblr & it’s not really anyone’s fault but my own.
when I create something, I always have like….the biggest expectations for myself. I fear that if I don’t post regularly, that if I don’t post edits, metas, etc. — my muse will never be interesting enough to catch anyone’s attention or make them wanna write with me consistently. fandom-related spaces sort of negate that fear because there’s a vast pool of already established things I can cling onto; I don’t have to pressure myself to constantly create new, exciting things for my muse to make other’s feel like my oc is engaging enough to give them their time of day.
I’ve struggled with these feelings a lot, esp. on Gaia’s blog (if anyone remembers lmao) and also here. Jovie and Gaia probably remain the two of my most developed ocs overall but… at a certain point, I just feel like they ran their course here. I felt annoying or overbearing creating new metas, new steps to their stories, etc. and eventually crashes & burned so badly that I even disliked when a muse got mentioned (in this case; Gaia, which is a disservice to her muse on my side considering she’s one of my most beloved muses ever)
But I just struggle a lot with it. And don’t do so if my muse is either intertwined with a fandom or is just a canon muse altogether. A lot of these pressure-inducing thoughts & insecurities stem from my own way of thinking, though, parts of them were also fostered over being in the indie community for over a decade now & running into loads of bad experiences. I honestly command each one of you for being here, it’s not easy.
In the same breath, I could talk about the struggles that come with writing a femme oc in general but I shall not. I’m tired. And that is basically this post; I’m choosing to remove myself from the indie scene because I’m tired. It has nothing to do with my current mutuals; It is simply that I’ve accepted a very unhealthy way of thinking & establishing my role playing experience here which I always end up slipping in one way or another.
I’ve thought about re-making Gaia. I’ve thought about re-making this blog. But I’m simply too burned out to care about it. Part of me is extremely saddened but part of me is also just accepting of the fact that I first have to change before going forward. The thought of having to make a new, shiny carrd with new shiny graphics, new icon borders, new everything just tires me out. On top of that, I simply don’t have the time for it anymore. I’m gonna be working full-time soon on top of going to school again; I can’t uphold my own expectations anymore and will just end up miserable.
Once again, this is not goodbye forever. I can still be found on dis.cord ( @ veevamps | where I am actively writing Jovie & encourage it a lot !! ) and on my Luffy blog. Additionally, I do want to write Jovie on tum.blr at some point again. Maybe with a approach that sets her main verse into a fandom instead of being indie. I love Golden Peaks and I’m still writing it, but at my own pace and with lower expectations since I am doing it in private. It just makes me feel much more at ease.
Thank you if you’ve made it this far. I really hope this won’t be goodbye because I treasure a lot of memories on this blog already & I do want to apologize to newer mutuals for finding me in this sort of state before we even had the chance to make memories together. But I am just extremely tired. And I need to rest before going forward.
