30 y/o dyslexic scientist with a PhD, who likes to write. Mostly Reader Inserts these days. Just to be save, please be 18+ for reading my stories! I do write adult themes! I write in British-English (and English is not my first language), and culturally European centric.
Here is a quick summary regarding prompts and requests!
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Hello!
You want to send me a prompt or request? Great!
I have to give a disclaimer here though: I am super busy, am a scientist and have 3000 hobbies, so there might be a chance that I never write the story you’ve requested because I am trash. Odin sadly only sometimes shares the mead of poetry with me, and sometimes I just throw out one story, or rather half a story, and then that is it with the inspiration.
In any case, even if you want to risk me being trash and not being inspired, here are some important infos about what I write/don’t write, so we are all on the same page here:
I write male and female reader inserts, for m/f, m/m and f/f pairings! You can also specifically request (if you want) if you want the reader insert character to be straight/gay or bi (I am a bi woman, so I don’t try to claim that my male inserts are accurate. if you dont want a male reader insert written by a woman, there are many men who also write reader inserts for male characters out there :D) Smut is no problem! But (and this is important) I will not write smut involving trans characters or readers as I am cis, and don’t want to make a trans reader uncomfortable or dysphoric, if I get something wrong. There are many amazing trans-writers out there, and you should support them if you want authentic fiction with trans characters. I think it would be appropriative for me to write something like that!
I wont write anything about pregnancy, getting pregnant, having children, wanting children, etc. This topic makes me insanely uncomfortable, so please don’t request anything like that
I won’t write jealousy, a jealous romantic interest, unhealthy possessive-nes, a character ‘forbidding’ the reader to talk to other men/women etc as this also makes me very uncomfortable. I just live in a perfect world where no jealousy exists and I don’t have to be confronted with it
I will write violence, fighting, angst, fluff, gay angst, smut, romance, friendship, etc. I won’t write sexual violence, abuse, major character death (aka the main characters or love interests) or morally bad relationships
Fandoms I have written fanfiction about, and/or would also write reader inserts about:
Harry Potter, Divergent (Eric Coulter), Vikings, Assassins Creed 1, Peaky Blinders, Witcher (Games), Star Trek (TOS, TNG, DS9, VOY), Dragon Age, Elder Scrolls, Wolf 359, Cursed (Netflix)
Also, if you are interested, here is my AO3: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cold_Death_Of_The_Universe
And at the end, another disclaimer: my mother language is not English, I live in Europe, and am dyslexic, so there is the possibility of spelling mistakes, weird grammar, and British English phrases, as I spent a lot of time in the UK, and most English media I consume is also British.
Warnings: Violence, AU-ish (no attack from Erudite etc), going to state this here, the reader in this story has baggage, (severe) anger problems, and there will be topics of having a difficult childhood. Not straight up abuse, but close to, so read with caution. Later there are descriptions of the fear landscape, so if you are easily triggered by difficult topics, this story might not be for you
Word Count: 5.165
[All Parts here]
A/N: Yes, I’m planning to do a longer story, as the beginning here got a bit out of hand. The title is from the song Panzermensch by And One, which kind of reminded me of Eric. The beginning is a teensy bit like the film, but then obviously not
A/N 2022: I’m super stressed at work, so much that I actually should be working every waking hour, so of course I decided to rewrite this story from March 2016! I feel old right now btw, this was 6 years ago. This is now around 2.000 words longer than the old version, and I made a few changes to make stuff clearer, but nothing that changes the story really. Also put more warnings here already, just in case. I am going to rewrite the rest too, and maybe even finally finish this shit. ayyy
Part 1:
“Alright, listen up!” a tall, blond man shouted, loud enough for everyone on the rooftop to hear. He was standing on top of a short wall, at the other edge of the building, completely dressed in black. “I’m Eric! One of your leaders.”
Your brows furrowed, you stood up, wiping the dust off your dark blue trousers, mustering the man, who was the first true Dauntless member you had ever seen close-up. Together with the others, who had just jumped of a high-speed train and onto the rooftop of a tall building with you, you gathered around the man, to listen to what he had to say. Most of the others were Dauntless born, far less transfers like you. Some of them you knew from back home.. your old home, in Erudite. Some of them you had sadly hoped to never see again.
“You want to enter Dauntless, this is the way in.” Eric casually looked over his shoulder, down the side of the building, as if it was the most normal thing in the world to suggest that one had to jump off a roof to get places. “And if you don’t have the guts to jump, then.. you don’t belong in Dauntless.”
Warnings: Violence (so much violence), angst, fear landscape with stuff that could be a phobia to some people
Word Count: 5.322
[All parts here]
A/N: here have the next part. I am sorry for the emotional baggage I put on you, but it just felt right ^^. Also the fears are a bit peculiar, but they fit to the character imo.
A/N 2022: Second part is rewritten! Once again, things are made clearer, it is longer, and I hope better written. around 2000 more words now ayy.
Part 2:
The train was moving along the old, pre-war tracks at an incredible speed, and you were quite chuffed that you were able to jump onto it so easily by now. It was still completely dark outside, only the faint stars and the thin crescent of the moon spending a little bit of light.
It must’ve been two or three in the morning, you were not quite sure. You didn’t have the time to check when you had suddenly all been woken up, but it didn’t really matter anyway.
Capture the flag was a simple enough game, that even some of the rowdier children at Erudite played from time to time, though of course the Dauntless version had a nice twist of guns and combat tactics added to it. This was not a game, this was an exercise to prepare you for what was to come.
Warnings: Violence (as always, do I even have to put that here by now?), not-yet-quite-smut-but-a-bi, talk about readers (not so nice) childhood
Word Count: 4.021
[All Parts here]
A/N: It was quite hard thinking of a good book for this one, as most of the books I own are about maths, physics, or astrophysics, but I hope my final choice was not too shite (you’ll see what book I mean). Anyway, I fell in love with the characters, so if you have a problem with me writing so much interaction with the other initiates, please tell me!
A/N 2022: So part 3! New and Shiny! Here I did change a bit of the story, in the sense that I added something, a short conversation that I find is important at that point, or fits well. It is 1200 words longer now than the previous version! Also, fuck this shit with Eric and Four being 24, I de-aged them to 18 again, because else the relationship would be super creepy (same goes for Tris and Four in the film, eww). though, i like it more to think of the initiates as 18 and the instructors as 20? idk, idk. however you like, the important thing is that i reduced the age gap to 2 years, not 8!
Part 3:
“I don’t know what I expected, but that surly wasn’t it.” Eric finally broke the silence after giving you a few minutes, a slight smirk on his face. There was no real humour in his voice, though, and he turned around to reset the machine.
You rubbed your hands over your face, still slightly trembling and shakenly exhaling.
“No..” you brought out, swallowing. “It wasn’t.” you really could do with a cold shower right now.
Warnings: All the smut (18+!!!)! and I think the first one without violence!
Word Count: 5.043
[All Parts here]
A/N: I let the weapon nerd in me come out a bit, hopefully it is not too distracting ^^ Also sorry that this took forever, I had a lot of stuff going on at uni and didn’t have a lot of time next to studying, sports and social life xP
A/N 2022: And we continue with the rewriting!So far, so good! This one is a bit over 1.000 words longer than the previous version, and I changed the smut scene up a bit, because for some reason it made me cringe a lot. So I hope it is better now! And yea, I decided to go for my headcanon here, that the transfers are 18 and the leaders are 20!
Part 4:
In retrospective, you weren’t really sure what Eric had meant, when he’d told you that he’d see you later. Did he really expect the two of you to meet up? To make, how did he put it, ‘your blood boil’? Did he just assume that you’ll randomly see each other around? Had it been just a random phrase used with no real meaning behind it? Or were you just a silly, hormone filled teenager, overthinking what another hormone filled, slightly older teenager had said to you? Yea, sure, Eric was twenty, so technically not a teenager anymore, but who really cared.
You groaned, as it was probably the latter, annoyed at yourself for wasting so much through on such a small thing, when you should probably be way more concerned with tomorrow’s adventure into the fear landscape. Trying to distract yourself, you indulged yourself into your training again, your now properly bandaged hands maltreating the leather bag in front of you.
Warnings: Light smut, fear landscape and violence, talk of reader’s not idea childhood
Word Count: 3.234
[All Parts here]
A/N: A Panzermensch Update? In 2020? It is more likely than you think! I don’t know why, but I read this story again and why not finish it. This was supposed to be the last part, but alas, I am trash and have to just ~elaborate~ all the time. So here, have an update, like 4 years later! Also, as I saw that the link on the original does not work anymore, here is the working link to And One - Panzermensch, which is the title and a bit of an inspo for this story!
A/N 2022: Ayy, part 5 is rewritten now too! around 1.200 words longer than the previous version, and a bit more detailed. And yes, if you have a suspicion about Orion after this chapter, it might be correct ;)) anyways, I’m having fun with this universe again, and writing Eric as being just totally head over heels for the reader is what i live for :D
You hadn’t even noticed drifting off to sleep, but were suddenly awoken by the shrill and far too loud ring of Eric’s alarm clock the next morning. The sun had not yet risen in front of the tall windows behind you, but the orange-pink glow of dawn crept up at the horizon, illuminating the room with a faint, soft light.
The first thing you noticed were Eric’s arms, that were wrapped around your torso, his nose buried in the crook of your neck and his naked body pressed against your back. You had to admit, you had not taken him for a cuddler, but this technically did not feel like cuddling. He was holding onto you, as if he expected that someone planned to steal you away. He groaned, and you felt the vibration of his voice against your neck, sending a shiver down your spine.
Warnings: fear landscape, angst and violence, accidental self harm, some self deprecation
Word Count: 4.269
[All Parts here]
A/N: And another one! I think it will have less than 10 parts, at least that is what I aim for! Have a good NYE!
A/N 2022: so, the last posted part is rewritten, lets see if I will finish part 7! which is half written already. from 2020 xP
You had fled to the rooftop, to the spot where you had first entered Dauntless all these weeks ago. You really hoped that no one would think of looking for you up here, as you needed time alone, time to think. Your nails must’ve done quite some damage to your face, and there were at least two long cuts on your left cheek and one on the right side of your neck that burnt like a bitch. The bleeding that gladly stopped thought after some time, and now you just had the horrible feeling of sticky, half dried blood on your face, making it feel stiff every time you moved it.
Your mind was still racing, so fast you could not really make out a single coherent thought, and you didn’t manage to calm yourself down, no matter how many methods you tried to apply, that you had learnt during your extensive mental training as a child.
Warnings: fear landscape, angst and violence, talk about the difficult childhood of the reader that might be uncomfortable for some readers, oh yea and smut ;)
Word Count: 4.024
[All Parts here]
A/N: A new part? In 2022? More likely than you think! Some of you might have noticed that I have rewritten all previous parts, adding a few thousand words of content in sum. So if you have read the first 6 parts at one point in the past, you might want to revisit them ;) anyways, here have part 7! insane to think that i started this story 6 years ago, but here we are.
The first thing you did after you had left the room with the machine behind, after your first successful run through the fear landscape, was to look for Ven. You could not wait to tell her about your experience, how you had managed to overcome your fears, how you had made it thanks to her. Without your friend, this would not have been possible, you knew that well enough.
It was a very new feeling for you.. having friends. Having people around you that helped you when you needed them, that you could rely on and that supported you. People with whom you could actually talk about personal stuff, and what was going on inside of you. You had closed yourself off to everyone back in Erudite, only the therapist that your parents made you talk to had known some of the things that were going on inside your mind. But she.. well, in your opinion she had never really truly understood your feelings, how you felt trapped and angry, like a caged animal. How you felt detached from everyone around you.
Now, on the other hand, here in Dauntless, you didn’t feel like the outsider anymore. You felt understood, even if Ven, Orion, Calder and even Eric did not share the same experiences as you. Still, it was like you were the same, you had gone through similar enough things to understand each other.
Warnings: meeting with the abusive parents, talks about child abuse
Word Count: 3.441
Summary: You transferred from Erudite to Dauntless, to finally be in the place you feel like you belong. While trying to navigate the initiation training, friendships and memories of your past, you can't help but notice that a certain mean instructor seems to have an eye on you. [Contains smut, 18+]
A/N: A new part of Panzermensch in 2025???? CRAZY! I have reread this story, while home with an annoying gastritis, and decided to finish the part that was half written on my pc since 2022. It is not long, so sorry about that. This story.. this fucking story. It has been with me through so much. When I started it in 2016 (WTF) I was in my bachelors. Since then I have finished my bachelors, started and finished my masters, and started and finished my PhD. I have moved to a different country. I have lost and found myself like 10 different times. Yet I always come back to Eric and the reader with his anger problems. I don't know if anyone still cares about this. Maybe you have never seen this story because 9 years ago you were a child haha. idk. So here have a random chapter with some emotional baggage and Eric opening up a bit. Also added a summary for people freshly stumbling upon it
Part 3:
The next few days were full of more meditation training with Calder and the rest of your friends, continuation of your regular workout routines, and.. secret dates with Eric on various abandoned roof tops, out of sight of the rest of Dauntless.
You had to admit, you really enjoyed your time with him, the meetings, the kisses, the conversations. You were looking forward more and more to the time after initiation, when you would be a full Dauntless member, and didn’t have to hide anymore. Eric had played it down a bit, that it would make the leaders doubt his evaluation of you, but after doing a bit of research in the actual rules and laws of your new faction, you found out that an instructor dating an initiate was very much against the rules, and Eric could get in quite a lot of trouble if that came out.
You were sure, Eric didn’t want to tell you that, to not make you worry, but knowing the possible consequences, you decided to be extra careful around him, so no one would get any suspicions.
You really envied Ven and Liz, who were able to just openly walk around, hand in hand. They kissed in the pit, were playful with each other and very obviously in love, while Eric, of course, had to treat you like any other initiate when you weren’t alone.
Four had sent you and Ross into the ring, during one of the afternoon trainings, which had come to quite a surprise to everyone, as he was usually not one to just throw people together who obviously wanted to kill each other at any given moment – that was Eric’s job. With all the mental training of the recent days, though, you managed to keep yourself in check, constrain your anger and not lose control, when you beat Ross into the ground, stopping yourself before going too far.
Eric let his mask slip for a mere second, as he watched the fight, awarding you with a proud nod, when you stepped off the mat.
You were not entirely sure what kind of problem Four suddenly seemed to have with you, as he had never shown any significant emotion towards you before, but after he gave you another glare when the fight was over, you were sure that something was going on.
Maybe it was time to talk to Eric about it. He knew Four, and he had his own beef with the other instructor. Maybe.. maybe Four had noticed something.
The next morning, all of you were woken up as usually: by a metal pipe being banged against the metal railing of the stairs, leading down to the dorms. But instead of Four, who usually woke everyone, it was Eric.
“Alright, listen up.” He said, looking almost bored, as he looked down at all of you.
You sat up, running a hand over your head, looking up with a light frown at the other man.
“Today is a special day. Your families will have the ability to visit you.” he paused. “Of course there is a good chance they don’t want to see you, so don’t get your hopes up. And remember.. Faction before blood.” With that, Eric turned around and left, while around you people started to immediately talk amongst each other.
You let yourself drop back onto your cot with a sigh. You didn’t even consider your parents coming to visit you. Not after you had lied to them about the aptitude test, and had chosen Dauntless, without even looking back at them. Frankly, you thought they were probably glad to finally be rid of you, the embarrassing son who could not keep his temper, and that they were unable to control.
On the other side.. that meant that you had the day off. The day to yourself, in the dorms, relaxing on your cot, and maybe getting around to read that sci-fi book that you had found in the library, ‘Roadside Picknick’. Something told you that it was probably another one of Eric’s additions.
You and the other initiates got ready, heading to breakfast, where the excited and also a bit nervous mood was very obvious. Your friends were all quite excited, but gladly knew better than to ask you about your own feelings.
After breakfast, you headed back to the dorms – alone – grabbing a tablet and a bottle of water, making yourself comfortable on your bed, and started to read. You were quickly lost in the book, following the conversation of two scientists talking about a ‘Zone’, when you were pulled out of your thoughts by footsteps on the stairs.
You looked up, spotting Eric, dressed in his usual combat trousers and vest combination, tilting his head at you when he saw you lying there on your cot.
“What are you doing down here?” He asked, jumping down the last step, and walking over to you.
“Reading.” You simply said, putting your tablet down on your bedside table, sitting up a bit. “Don’t really feel like watching other people’s family reunions, to be honest.” You joked, but pursed your lips when Eric’s face remained serious. He came to a halt in front of you.
“Your parents are here.” He said, his blue eyes mustering your face for a reaction.
A high pitched sound, like a tinnitus, was in your ear, cold sweat on your hands. You were not quite sure what you felt.
Surprise?
Anger?
Disappointment?
Confusion?
Maybe all of that together in a horrible soup of emotions that was impossible to detangle.
“You don’t have to see them, if you don’t want to. But I thought I should tell you that there is the option.” Eric frowned, mustering you with concern in his eyes. He clearly noticed how you tensed up, how colour had drained from your face.
Also.. Eric had seen your fear landscape, multiple times at this point. He had seen almost first hand how your parents had treated you.. how they had locked you up in a sterile, small room, like a rabid animal. The rest.. you had told him about.
You chewed the inside of your cheek, eyes unfocused on your bedding, as you tried to consider your options. On one hand, you never, ever wanted to see them again, after everything they had done to you. On the other hand.. and that was maybe a petty part of you.. you kind of wanted to make them see how you’ve blossomed since coming to Dauntless, outside of their influence, and how you had found a place for yourself to be who you wanted to be.
It was silent for a while, a long while. Eric was patient, waiting for you to make up your mind, for making a choice.
“No, I’m.. I’m going to meet them. “You finally said, standing up, and pulling your shirt over your head, turning to where you kept your clothes. You were not quite sure what you were looking for, but you wanted to look.. intimidating. Impressive.
Eric raised an eyebrow, taking a step back to give you some room.
“You sure?” He asked.
You were indeed not sure. Not at all. But you had made a decision, and you didn’t want to rethink your choices.
“Either I manage to restrain my anger, which will be a great exercise, or I will end up punching my dad in the face. All in all, a win-win situation, don’t you think?”
You pulled a tight shirt over your head, together with a mean looking vest that showed off your muscular arms and your new tattoos, turning around to see Eric smirk at you.
“Not really surprised to hear you say that.” he chuckled. “Come on, let’s go.”
You managed to overplay your growing nervousness on the way with cockiness, causing Eric to chuckle and shake his head a few times, but when you finally reached the pit.. it felt as if there were ice cold stones in your stomach.
You spotted them immediately.
Dressed sharply in blue, tense expression on their faces, as they looked around, clearly uncomfortable. Your parents looked down on most of the other factions, but Dauntless – in their opinion – was filled with brute idiots who were no better than a pack of apes.
You clenched your jaw, but felt Eric’s hand squeeze your shoulder for a moment, giving you enough strength to take a deep breath and head down the metal stairs with a confident looking step.
It didn’t take long for your parents to notice you, and they turned around, watching you come towards them. You could see your mother mustering you with something akin to shock in her eyes, as she clutched her handbag and pressed her lips together.
You knew you had changed a lot in the past weeks. Your hair, your muscles, the tattoos and piercings, your scars.. all that together with the black faction clothes, instead of sharp blue, and the new confidence Dauntless had made you feel, made you appear like a completely different person.
Eric also descended the stairs behind you, keeping a distance to let you talk to your parents on your own. You were not quite sure if that was really reassuring, but you made sure that your face didn’t give away any sign of your insecurity.
“Hey.” You said as you reached them, casually putting your hands into the pockets of your combat trousers. You tilted your head at the two people in front of you, mustering them from top to bottom, before you continued to speak. “Didn’t expect you to come, to be honest.”
“Oh, Y/N.. [if you have chosen a different name at the beginning, they are using the old one]” Your mother managed to bring out, her voice strained. She shook her head. “You.. you look so different, we.. we were worried about you, we-”
“Bullshit.” Now it was you, who shook his head. “You were worried about how it looked to the other families. Your only son, defecting to the brainless faction. I know how it is.” You tilted your head to the other side.
In a way.. this was freeing. There were no consequences now, nothing they could do to you. You could – for the first time ever – just say exactly what you were thinking.
Your mother pursed her lips, not denying what you had said. She looked over at your father for a moment, for help. But he looked just as overwhelmed as she did.
“You..” She looked back at you, her hands fidgeting with each other. “You told us your aptitude test said Erudite..”
“Yea, well, I lied. To get you off my back.” You raised the corner of your mouth for a moment, seeing their shocked faces. “Half expected you to lock me in for good, if you would get the smallest hint that I would try and leave.”
“Y/N!” Your mother exclaimed again, taking a step forwards. “With all your reading, we just hoped-”
“Why are you here?” You interrupted them, feeling the familiar anger rising inside of you, even though you tried your best to sound bored and unbothered.
You didn’t want to show them, that you still got angry, that you were still struggling with that part of you. You wanted them to see how much you had blossomed here at Dauntless.
But then again.. and that was the anger speaking.. part of you didn’t care, and would not mind punching them.
“We just wanted to see how you were holding up, son..” Your father spoke up, earning a raised eyebrow from you.
“He’s holding up great.” A voice behind you caused your parents’ attention to shift, as Eric came up next to you with a charming smirk. He was tall and intimidating, and even though the smirk, still used his appearance to his full advantage. “One of our top ten in the ranking. Best shot too. We are very happy with him, he’ll go far.”
“And you are..?” Your mother asked with confusion, looking from you to Eric and back, taking a step back again.
“I’m one of the leaders, here at Dauntless. And Y/N’s instructor. Eric.” Eric said, crossing his arms.
The demeanour of your parents changed in an instant, as they realised that the man in front of them – however young he was – was a person that they had to respect. Even if they didn’t think much of Dauntless, a leader was a leader.
“Eric is right, I’m doing great.” You smirked.
With him at your side, facing your parents, confidence flooded through your system. Even though you could not show that you were together, you felt like a ‘power-couple’.
“Not being locked up and treated like an animal, you know? Does wonders, really.” You could not hold back and add.
The level of embarrassment on your parents’ face after you said that caused a surge of satisfaction to run through you. Finally. Finally you could speak your mind. It was such an incredible feeling, so..freeing. That must’ve been what Candor people felt like all the time, and you had to admit, you kind of envied them for it. Especially after all the secrecy of Erudite, where no one was supposed to know what went on behind closed doors.
“’Faction before blood’ is a really neat concept, isn’t it?” You smirked. “I would say ‘thanks for dropping by’, but that would be a lie, because I’d rather liked you wouldn’t have come.”
You let out a sigh, having to look away, as their expressions had grown a bit too much for you to handle. You didn’t want to feel bad for them – they deserved every mean word out of your mouth, and more. You let your walls wander through the Pit, the place that had grown so familiar to you over the past weeks. The stone, the concrete, the metal.. it was comforting, it was home. It gave you a feeling of safety and security, just as the man next to you.
“But anything to ease your minds, eh?” You continued, looking back. “As you can see, I am happy. Very happy. I am finally where I belong, and I am finally far away from you, which is ideal. Optimum est.”
The Latin words brought tears into your mother’s eyes, and this time it was her, who had to look away.
“Son..” Your father started, but you just waved him off.
“No, thanks.” You shook your head, not interested in hearing an excuse, a justification, or even an apology. It was too late for all of that now. “Have a nice rest of your day.”
And with that, you turned around, swaggering back through the Pit towards where you had come from, feeling as if a massive weight had been taken off your shoulders, that you had not even been aware of carrying. Your heart was rapidly beating in your chest, and you could hear the blood rush through your ears, and it was that moment that you actually grew aware how stressful the whole situation had been.
You kept walking, not looking back, your mind playing the confrontation over and over again. You were pulled out of your thoughts halfway back to the dorms, when Eric caught up with you.
His hand was on your shoulder, turning you around to him, and you felt some of the tension finally leave your body.
“Well, that was..” Eric started, but stopped himself, as if he was not sure what to say.
“That felt.. strangely amazing. Shitty, but also amazing.” Your brought out, an unintentional laugh leaving your throat, and you were not quite sure what caused it. Nervousness? Relief? Delayed panic? Maybe all of those. You went through quite the assortment of emotional cocktails today.
“I think you handled it well.” Eric smiled softly, squeezing your shoulder. “This could’ve gone much worse.”
“Thanks..” You smirked back, rolling your shoulders. You felt like working out until your mind was quiet. “It feels.. good. Baggage lost. Baggage that.. I kind of should have known was there, but.. I didn’t realise how much was actually there.” You tried to word it.
“I know, it is.. it gives you closure..” Eric’s voice made you look up at him, mustering his face.
“Did.. your parents..?” You were not sure what you were even trying to ask him.
“They also came, yes. To see how I was doing. I didn’t tell them either that I was going to defect, so it was.. it gave me the opportunity to show them that it was the right thing, the right choice, and that this was where I belong.” It seemed to you as if Eric had never talked about this with anyone before, as the words came out slowly, hesitantly.
“Were they.. angry?” You asked, tilting your head. Eric was.. strong. He was the one to push you, to hold you up when you were failing, when you were on the ground, so seeing him.. almost vulnerable right now was something entirely new to you.
Eric nodded slowly. His hand moved from your shoulder to your upper arm, and he pulled you along, instead of going to the dorms – like you had intended – pulling you into a different direction, that you by now knew would lead to his apartment.
You let him, not fighting it, understanding that this conversation didn’t need any people drop by, by chance. Also, the thought of sitting on Eric’s soft sofa, instead of your uncomfortable cot, was also a nice bonus.
After some minutes you arrived, and Eric opened the door, letting you in.
The apartment didn’t feel.. familiar, as of yet. It wasn’t as strange to be here as it had been the first time, but still, it was a rare occasion. You sat down on the sofa, while Eric grabbed some water from the fridge, before joining you.
“My parents.. were very.. ambitious.” Eric said, sitting down and taking a sip from his water. “We were.. five generations of continuous Erudite members on my father’s side, which.. as you know is quite the prestigious thing.”
You nodded, well aware of that. Family lines like that had a good chance of being important people in the faction, with a legacy of successful scientists and good connections.
“My parents had already planned it all out. Wanted me to go into chemistry, to work on more serums. Kind of a family thing too.” Eric sighed. “I always knew, I wasn’t really that passionate about shit like that but.. I thought that is maybe something you grow into. But then the aptitude test told me I’m Dauntless, so..” he bit his lower lip. “I knew I would disappoint them.”
You mustered Eric, never having seen him this.. vulnerable. It was new to you.
“But you still transferred.” You said, as he didn’t speak on.
“Yea, of course.” Eric huffed. “Don’t want to waste my life doing chemistry shit, when I can be here.”
You had to laugh, as Eric was back to his normal self.
“When they came to visit, they were furious. Telling me how embarrassing it was that I went to the idiots at Dauntless, and all that bullshit.” Eric continued. “But then I told them that I was number two in the ranking. That I was considered a good candidate for leadership. That I had found my purpose here. That I would have ended up a shitty scientist, bringing them even more embarrassment.” He paused, taking another sip of his water.
“What did they say?” You asked, tilting your head.
“They.. understood.” Eric said, chuckling. “And now they had something to brag at home about, that their son was going to be a big thing in Dauntless. It gave them closure, just as it gave it to me.”
The two of you were quite for a moment, just sitting there, both a bit lost in memories. You, of what had happened just a few minutes ago, and Eric in his own last meeting with his parents.
You were.. glad that Eric was also an Erudite transfer. It meant that he understood you on a level that Ven or Orion never could.
You mustered his face again, the pale eyes, the strong features, the dark piercings. The tattoos on his neck. You could not really imagine how he would have looked like before, in Erudite, probably a lot less muscular, and dressed in all blue.
Before even thinking about it, you leaned in, capturing his lips with yours, and sighing when Eric kissed you back. The kiss was not hurried, but slow, full of.. emotions you were not quite able to admit to yourself.
Warnings: meeting with the abusive parents, talks about child abuse
Word Count: 3.441
Summary: You transferred from Erudite to Dauntless, to finally be in the place you feel like you belong. While trying to navigate the initiation training, friendships and memories of your past, you can't help but notice that a certain mean instructor seems to have an eye on you. [Contains smut, 18+]
A/N: A new part of Panzermensch in 2025???? CRAZY! I have reread this story, while home with an annoying gastritis, and decided to finish the part that was half written on my pc since 2022. It is not long, so sorry about that. This story.. this fucking story. It has been with me through so much. When I started it in 2016 (WTF) I was in my bachelors. Since then I have finished my bachelors, started and finished my masters, and started and finished my PhD. I have moved to a different country. I have lost and found myself like 10 different times. Yet I always come back to Eric and the reader with his anger problems. I don't know if anyone still cares about this. Maybe you have never seen this story because 9 years ago you were a child haha. idk. So here have a random chapter with some emotional baggage and Eric opening up a bit. Also added a summary for people freshly stumbling upon it
Part 3:
The next few days were full of more meditation training with Calder and the rest of your friends, continuation of your regular workout routines, and.. secret dates with Eric on various abandoned roof tops, out of sight of the rest of Dauntless.
You had to admit, you really enjoyed your time with him, the meetings, the kisses, the conversations. You were looking forward more and more to the time after initiation, when you would be a full Dauntless member, and didn’t have to hide anymore. Eric had played it down a bit, that it would make the leaders doubt his evaluation of you, but after doing a bit of research in the actual rules and laws of your new faction, you found out that an instructor dating an initiate was very much against the rules, and Eric could get in quite a lot of trouble if that came out.
You were sure, Eric didn’t want to tell you that, to not make you worry, but knowing the possible consequences, you decided to be extra careful around him, so no one would get any suspicions.
You really envied Ven and Liz, who were able to just openly walk around, hand in hand. They kissed in the pit, were playful with each other and very obviously in love, while Eric, of course, had to treat you like any other initiate when you weren’t alone.
Four had sent you and Ross into the ring, during one of the afternoon trainings, which had come to quite a surprise to everyone, as he was usually not one to just throw people together who obviously wanted to kill each other at any given moment – that was Eric’s job. With all the mental training of the recent days, though, you managed to keep yourself in check, constrain your anger and not lose control, when you beat Ross into the ground, stopping yourself before going too far.
Eric let his mask slip for a mere second, as he watched the fight, awarding you with a proud nod, when you stepped off the mat.
You were not entirely sure what kind of problem Four suddenly seemed to have with you, as he had never shown any significant emotion towards you before, but after he gave you another glare when the fight was over, you were sure that something was going on.
Maybe it was time to talk to Eric about it. He knew Four, and he had his own beef with the other instructor. Maybe.. maybe Four had noticed something.
The next morning, all of you were woken up as usually: by a metal pipe being banged against the metal railing of the stairs, leading down to the dorms. But instead of Four, who usually woke everyone, it was Eric.
“Alright, listen up.” He said, looking almost bored, as he looked down at all of you.
You sat up, running a hand over your head, looking up with a light frown at the other man.
“Today is a special day. Your families will have the ability to visit you.” he paused. “Of course there is a good chance they don’t want to see you, so don’t get your hopes up. And remember.. Faction before blood.” With that, Eric turned around and left, while around you people started to immediately talk amongst each other.
You let yourself drop back onto your cot with a sigh. You didn’t even consider your parents coming to visit you. Not after you had lied to them about the aptitude test, and had chosen Dauntless, without even looking back at them. Frankly, you thought they were probably glad to finally be rid of you, the embarrassing son who could not keep his temper, and that they were unable to control.
On the other side.. that meant that you had the day off. The day to yourself, in the dorms, relaxing on your cot, and maybe getting around to read that sci-fi book that you had found in the library, ‘Roadside Picknick’. Something told you that it was probably another one of Eric’s additions.
You and the other initiates got ready, heading to breakfast, where the excited and also a bit nervous mood was very obvious. Your friends were all quite excited, but gladly knew better than to ask you about your own feelings.
After breakfast, you headed back to the dorms – alone – grabbing a tablet and a bottle of water, making yourself comfortable on your bed, and started to read. You were quickly lost in the book, following the conversation of two scientists talking about a ‘Zone’, when you were pulled out of your thoughts by footsteps on the stairs.
You looked up, spotting Eric, dressed in his usual combat trousers and vest combination, tilting his head at you when he saw you lying there on your cot.
“What are you doing down here?” He asked, jumping down the last step, and walking over to you.
“Reading.” You simply said, putting your tablet down on your bedside table, sitting up a bit. “Don’t really feel like watching other people’s family reunions, to be honest.” You joked, but pursed your lips when Eric’s face remained serious. He came to a halt in front of you.
“Your parents are here.” He said, his blue eyes mustering your face for a reaction.
A high pitched sound, like a tinnitus, was in your ear, cold sweat on your hands. You were not quite sure what you felt.
Surprise?
Anger?
Disappointment?
Confusion?
Maybe all of that together in a horrible soup of emotions that was impossible to detangle.
“You don’t have to see them, if you don’t want to. But I thought I should tell you that there is the option.” Eric frowned, mustering you with concern in his eyes. He clearly noticed how you tensed up, how colour had drained from your face.
Also.. Eric had seen your fear landscape, multiple times at this point. He had seen almost first hand how your parents had treated you.. how they had locked you up in a sterile, small room, like a rabid animal. The rest.. you had told him about.
You chewed the inside of your cheek, eyes unfocused on your bedding, as you tried to consider your options. On one hand, you never, ever wanted to see them again, after everything they had done to you. On the other hand.. and that was maybe a petty part of you.. you kind of wanted to make them see how you’ve blossomed since coming to Dauntless, outside of their influence, and how you had found a place for yourself to be who you wanted to be.
It was silent for a while, a long while. Eric was patient, waiting for you to make up your mind, for making a choice.
“No, I’m.. I’m going to meet them. “You finally said, standing up, and pulling your shirt over your head, turning to where you kept your clothes. You were not quite sure what you were looking for, but you wanted to look.. intimidating. Impressive.
Eric raised an eyebrow, taking a step back to give you some room.
“You sure?” He asked.
You were indeed not sure. Not at all. But you had made a decision, and you didn’t want to rethink your choices.
“Either I manage to restrain my anger, which will be a great exercise, or I will end up punching my dad in the face. All in all, a win-win situation, don’t you think?”
You pulled a tight shirt over your head, together with a mean looking vest that showed off your muscular arms and your new tattoos, turning around to see Eric smirk at you.
“Not really surprised to hear you say that.” he chuckled. “Come on, let’s go.”
You managed to overplay your growing nervousness on the way with cockiness, causing Eric to chuckle and shake his head a few times, but when you finally reached the pit.. it felt as if there were ice cold stones in your stomach.
You spotted them immediately.
Dressed sharply in blue, tense expression on their faces, as they looked around, clearly uncomfortable. Your parents looked down on most of the other factions, but Dauntless – in their opinion – was filled with brute idiots who were no better than a pack of apes.
You clenched your jaw, but felt Eric’s hand squeeze your shoulder for a moment, giving you enough strength to take a deep breath and head down the metal stairs with a confident looking step.
It didn’t take long for your parents to notice you, and they turned around, watching you come towards them. You could see your mother mustering you with something akin to shock in her eyes, as she clutched her handbag and pressed her lips together.
You knew you had changed a lot in the past weeks. Your hair, your muscles, the tattoos and piercings, your scars.. all that together with the black faction clothes, instead of sharp blue, and the new confidence Dauntless had made you feel, made you appear like a completely different person.
Eric also descended the stairs behind you, keeping a distance to let you talk to your parents on your own. You were not quite sure if that was really reassuring, but you made sure that your face didn’t give away any sign of your insecurity.
“Hey.” You said as you reached them, casually putting your hands into the pockets of your combat trousers. You tilted your head at the two people in front of you, mustering them from top to bottom, before you continued to speak. “Didn’t expect you to come, to be honest.”
“Oh, Y/N.. [if you have chosen a different name at the beginning, they are using the old one]” Your mother managed to bring out, her voice strained. She shook her head. “You.. you look so different, we.. we were worried about you, we-”
“Bullshit.” Now it was you, who shook his head. “You were worried about how it looked to the other families. Your only son, defecting to the brainless faction. I know how it is.” You tilted your head to the other side.
In a way.. this was freeing. There were no consequences now, nothing they could do to you. You could – for the first time ever – just say exactly what you were thinking.
Your mother pursed her lips, not denying what you had said. She looked over at your father for a moment, for help. But he looked just as overwhelmed as she did.
“You..” She looked back at you, her hands fidgeting with each other. “You told us your aptitude test said Erudite..”
“Yea, well, I lied. To get you off my back.” You raised the corner of your mouth for a moment, seeing their shocked faces. “Half expected you to lock me in for good, if you would get the smallest hint that I would try and leave.”
“Y/N!” Your mother exclaimed again, taking a step forwards. “With all your reading, we just hoped-”
“Why are you here?” You interrupted them, feeling the familiar anger rising inside of you, even though you tried your best to sound bored and unbothered.
You didn’t want to show them, that you still got angry, that you were still struggling with that part of you. You wanted them to see how much you had blossomed here at Dauntless.
But then again.. and that was the anger speaking.. part of you didn’t care, and would not mind punching them.
“We just wanted to see how you were holding up, son..” Your father spoke up, earning a raised eyebrow from you.
“He’s holding up great.” A voice behind you caused your parents’ attention to shift, as Eric came up next to you with a charming smirk. He was tall and intimidating, and even though the smirk, still used his appearance to his full advantage. “One of our top ten in the ranking. Best shot too. We are very happy with him, he’ll go far.”
“And you are..?” Your mother asked with confusion, looking from you to Eric and back, taking a step back again.
“I’m one of the leaders, here at Dauntless. And Y/N’s instructor. Eric.” Eric said, crossing his arms.
The demeanour of your parents changed in an instant, as they realised that the man in front of them – however young he was – was a person that they had to respect. Even if they didn’t think much of Dauntless, a leader was a leader.
“Eric is right, I’m doing great.” You smirked.
With him at your side, facing your parents, confidence flooded through your system. Even though you could not show that you were together, you felt like a ‘power-couple’.
“Not being locked up and treated like an animal, you know? Does wonders, really.” You could not hold back and add.
The level of embarrassment on your parents’ face after you said that caused a surge of satisfaction to run through you. Finally. Finally you could speak your mind. It was such an incredible feeling, so..freeing. That must’ve been what Candor people felt like all the time, and you had to admit, you kind of envied them for it. Especially after all the secrecy of Erudite, where no one was supposed to know what went on behind closed doors.
“’Faction before blood’ is a really neat concept, isn’t it?” You smirked. “I would say ‘thanks for dropping by’, but that would be a lie, because I’d rather liked you wouldn’t have come.”
You let out a sigh, having to look away, as their expressions had grown a bit too much for you to handle. You didn’t want to feel bad for them – they deserved every mean word out of your mouth, and more. You let your walls wander through the Pit, the place that had grown so familiar to you over the past weeks. The stone, the concrete, the metal.. it was comforting, it was home. It gave you a feeling of safety and security, just as the man next to you.
“But anything to ease your minds, eh?” You continued, looking back. “As you can see, I am happy. Very happy. I am finally where I belong, and I am finally far away from you, which is ideal. Optimum est.”
The Latin words brought tears into your mother’s eyes, and this time it was her, who had to look away.
“Son..” Your father started, but you just waved him off.
“No, thanks.” You shook your head, not interested in hearing an excuse, a justification, or even an apology. It was too late for all of that now. “Have a nice rest of your day.”
And with that, you turned around, swaggering back through the Pit towards where you had come from, feeling as if a massive weight had been taken off your shoulders, that you had not even been aware of carrying. Your heart was rapidly beating in your chest, and you could hear the blood rush through your ears, and it was that moment that you actually grew aware how stressful the whole situation had been.
You kept walking, not looking back, your mind playing the confrontation over and over again. You were pulled out of your thoughts halfway back to the dorms, when Eric caught up with you.
His hand was on your shoulder, turning you around to him, and you felt some of the tension finally leave your body.
“Well, that was..” Eric started, but stopped himself, as if he was not sure what to say.
“That felt.. strangely amazing. Shitty, but also amazing.” Your brought out, an unintentional laugh leaving your throat, and you were not quite sure what caused it. Nervousness? Relief? Delayed panic? Maybe all of those. You went through quite the assortment of emotional cocktails today.
“I think you handled it well.” Eric smiled softly, squeezing your shoulder. “This could’ve gone much worse.”
“Thanks..” You smirked back, rolling your shoulders. You felt like working out until your mind was quiet. “It feels.. good. Baggage lost. Baggage that.. I kind of should have known was there, but.. I didn’t realise how much was actually there.” You tried to word it.
“I know, it is.. it gives you closure..” Eric’s voice made you look up at him, mustering his face.
“Did.. your parents..?” You were not sure what you were even trying to ask him.
“They also came, yes. To see how I was doing. I didn’t tell them either that I was going to defect, so it was.. it gave me the opportunity to show them that it was the right thing, the right choice, and that this was where I belong.” It seemed to you as if Eric had never talked about this with anyone before, as the words came out slowly, hesitantly.
“Were they.. angry?” You asked, tilting your head. Eric was.. strong. He was the one to push you, to hold you up when you were failing, when you were on the ground, so seeing him.. almost vulnerable right now was something entirely new to you.
Eric nodded slowly. His hand moved from your shoulder to your upper arm, and he pulled you along, instead of going to the dorms – like you had intended – pulling you into a different direction, that you by now knew would lead to his apartment.
You let him, not fighting it, understanding that this conversation didn’t need any people drop by, by chance. Also, the thought of sitting on Eric’s soft sofa, instead of your uncomfortable cot, was also a nice bonus.
After some minutes you arrived, and Eric opened the door, letting you in.
The apartment didn’t feel.. familiar, as of yet. It wasn’t as strange to be here as it had been the first time, but still, it was a rare occasion. You sat down on the sofa, while Eric grabbed some water from the fridge, before joining you.
“My parents.. were very.. ambitious.” Eric said, sitting down and taking a sip from his water. “We were.. five generations of continuous Erudite members on my father’s side, which.. as you know is quite the prestigious thing.”
You nodded, well aware of that. Family lines like that had a good chance of being important people in the faction, with a legacy of successful scientists and good connections.
“My parents had already planned it all out. Wanted me to go into chemistry, to work on more serums. Kind of a family thing too.” Eric sighed. “I always knew, I wasn’t really that passionate about shit like that but.. I thought that is maybe something you grow into. But then the aptitude test told me I’m Dauntless, so..” he bit his lower lip. “I knew I would disappoint them.”
You mustered Eric, never having seen him this.. vulnerable. It was new to you.
“But you still transferred.” You said, as he didn’t speak on.
“Yea, of course.” Eric huffed. “Don’t want to waste my life doing chemistry shit, when I can be here.”
You had to laugh, as Eric was back to his normal self.
“When they came to visit, they were furious. Telling me how embarrassing it was that I went to the idiots at Dauntless, and all that bullshit.” Eric continued. “But then I told them that I was number two in the ranking. That I was considered a good candidate for leadership. That I had found my purpose here. That I would have ended up a shitty scientist, bringing them even more embarrassment.” He paused, taking another sip of his water.
“What did they say?” You asked, tilting your head.
“They.. understood.” Eric said, chuckling. “And now they had something to brag at home about, that their son was going to be a big thing in Dauntless. It gave them closure, just as it gave it to me.”
The two of you were quite for a moment, just sitting there, both a bit lost in memories. You, of what had happened just a few minutes ago, and Eric in his own last meeting with his parents.
You were.. glad that Eric was also an Erudite transfer. It meant that he understood you on a level that Ven or Orion never could.
You mustered his face again, the pale eyes, the strong features, the dark piercings. The tattoos on his neck. You could not really imagine how he would have looked like before, in Erudite, probably a lot less muscular, and dressed in all blue.
Before even thinking about it, you leaned in, capturing his lips with yours, and sighing when Eric kissed you back. The kiss was not hurried, but slow, full of.. emotions you were not quite able to admit to yourself.
I don't know if you've already answered any questions about this, but is there ever going to be another chapter in the Eric Coulter x male reader series? I just thought it was really good and I've reread it multiple times, and sometimes I come back to your account to see if another chapter has been added. No pressure to answer, of course 😅🖤
Awwww, that is so nice to read!!!!! Thank you, you have no idea what that means!
I have one half written chapter on my computer actually, and do want to finish it, but I am not sure when as currently my writing spirit is not with me xP but as you can see I posted the latest chapter years after I started the story, so there is a possibility for me to find my muse again :D
FYI I just came across a thread on twitter which says that an author shared on google docs an explicit story with a friend for beta reading and google removed the file due to violation of TOS (apparently it has been updated where you are not allowed to share anything with sexual content). Not sure if it’s just this instance or if it’s going to become a widespread thing but if you guys write in google docs MAKE BACK UPS!!
(Instagram link to the screenshots)
Edit: also wanted to add that it seems that Microsoft word has the same language in their TOS so onedrive is not a safe alternative!
LibreOffice is free and open source and constantly being updated. It works extremely similarly to Google docs, but is a local program instead of a web thing. It's genuinely easy to use and easy to swap to.
Can verify that LibreOffice rules Ive used it for over a decade and it works great, havent used CryptPad but like the last user said it is open source and you can self host it, they have a guide on self hosting on their docs here:
Started to read peaky blinders fanfic again, and the amount of times i had to close a fic because it was written by americans absolutely wrongly using british slang is insane
it is like that scene in the boys season2 where they have the recreation of butcher on tv just talking complete gibberish
Reblogging again because I got an anon last week whining cause they did this to one of my unfinished series and the bot killed Y/N so now they want ME to give them a happy ending. Like. No. Suffer, bitch.
AI is the death of creativity. Anyone who does this to my stories and is stupid enough to brag about it will be blocked from ever reading my work again, AND I'll let everyone on tumblr know that you do this. We'll see how much fic you get to enjoy when every author blocks you forever.
Fic is a gift. I've said it before. Don't shit all over your lovingly handcrafted gifts, m'kay? This should be fucking obvious, but apparently for some of you it's not.
Hi folks, I know some of you like to use Goodreads to track all your reading and don’t want to distinguish between books and fanfiction.
I am, however, begging you not to do this. It is extremely jarring and disconcerting to be a fic author and find your works somewhere in the wild where you did not personally put them. Fics are not books, are not published in the same way as books, and exist in a precarious legal space.
Please don’t attempt to elide the separation that exists between fandom and the world of official publishing.
if you are a fic author and you find your fic on Goodreads, you can get it removed!
Here’s how:
First, you gotta go to Goodreads support Contact Us page. Fill out the form as follows:
What can we help you with? - Book records: adding or editing
What device were you using? - this answer doesn’t matter
Are you reaching out as a publisher, author, neither, or both? - Author
What does your inquiry relate to? fanfiction recorded as book
In the main body of the question, include the link(s) to the Goodreads record(s) for your fic(s)
Hit submit!
Someone should contact you pretty fast; I got a reply within a couple hours, even though it was a Sunday afternoon. They wanted me to confirm that it was a fanfic and asked me to provide proof of authorship which was kinda weird to answer but I was like “uhhh my tumblr is the same handle as my ao3 does that count?” and that seemed to go over just fine.
Once they say they’ve deleted the records it should no longer be searchable although for whatever reason the direct links apparently still work. That’s Amazon for ya I guess.
I’ve seen multiple people reblogging the original post with tags saying how they have struggled to get their fics taken down off Goodreads & I want folks to know that it IS possible
You can't edit a Blank Page. @golden-pickaxe - Tumblr Blog | Tumgag
