I really don't like to post personal things, as this isn't a damn livejournal, but I need this for myself. Since my dad died, I've really struggled with not being "the most important" person to somebody. I was always his favorite and we are so much alike (sometimes in ways other people don't take a liking to). Even my mother has become a person I don't recognize and, as it turns out, might not always respect. She is now in her 70s and has absolutely no obligation to act like I am her baby, but often she doesn't even act like our mother anymore. Even my brothers think so. One of them has taken to calling her "our absentee mom". We are far from priorities to her at this stage in her life (which she has every right to!), and it stings. Especially since there is only one parent now, and especially for me. I am the youngest in the family. My closest sibling is 10 years older than me and my parents already in their 40s when I came around. As the baby and the only girl, you can bet I got more than my fair share of attention. That may be part of the problem; a precedence was set in my early years and it's been on the decline ever since. (People age and you can't catch up no matter how hard you try. They are raising families while you're barely out of high school and it's easy to get left behind. It's not their fault or yours. That's just how it happens.) I have friends. I have best friends. But at our age(s), nobody has just one anymore and if they do, it's their spouse. I have a boyfriend. We live together. Yet, still find ourselves in arguments about priorities -- generally that he is one and I am not. I know, these are all 100% normal situations and probably most people are dealing with one or all of these, too. My feelings are not unique and they are embarrassingly human. I recently realized, though, that I am not even "the most important" person to myself. It's easy to put the blame elsewhere and say "they aren't giving me what I need", "I don't feel appreciated" and "you aren't making me feel important". But when you can't say those things about yourself and realize you are also guilty? That's hard. How can I expect others to make me a priority or love me the most when I don't even do it for myself? And what's more -- how do I begin to learn what that means? What is it to love yourself first and foremost? I don't have any answers to any of it and honestly, I'm not sure I will ever find out. But I needed to leave this here to remind myself that as long as I still feel that way, I've got work to do.
