Sometimes I feel like I am living in a version of me that wasn’t supposed to exist here.
I feel like a stranger to my own mind and body. I wake up in the morning and wonder how I got here. I lay in bed at night and wonder why the last few years went by in a blur.
I have to live with the decisions past me made. At least present me finally understands what past me was going through. Past me didn’t understand and with that came chaos and uncertainty.
Everything has become so jumbled. All I know is to continue moving forward and because what else is there to do? They say time heals you but that’s not true. You just get used to the pain.
I can’t rationalize my feelings anymore. I am angry, I am sad, I am hopeless and hopeful. Not one day goes by where I don’t think about you or if I will ever see you again.
Is that because I’m crazy? Is it because I am obsessed? Is it because I’m just a bad person? No.. none of these things.
You made me feel cold, selfish, and vulnerable. You made me feel warm, loved, and on top of the world.
Why was I constantly going back and forth between feeling on top of the world and feeling like an empty shell? Why did we let it get that bad. So bad it became unfixable? Why did I feel so loved and unloved at the same time..
Because me and you grew up believing love looked like throwing things, yelling at each other, hurting each other, limiting one another, lying, and wanting everything from each other.
You treated me like polished garbage and eventually I became just that. I believed you loved the weakest version of me. The me that isolated from everyone but you. The me that would have meltdowns. The me that would always need you. I didn’t want someone I would need. I wanted a real partner. There was a time I would have given anything ..
The difference between me and you is that I wanted you to love yourself but you didn’t want that for me.
And from there I slowly unfolded with fear of there being no real love. Scared to feel vulnerable again. Scared that someone will always be hiding something from me. I was scared to really love because I didn’t feel like I could live up to the expectation of the false love I had in my mind that drained me time and time again.
And still my heart aches every time I come across an old picture or hear your name. because even through all the shit, I will always love and miss you.
And now.. I have to forgive past me and accept that I will always carry this pain.
