trying on a metaphor
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Xuebing Du
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@goltron-blog
The organisation has been more efficient in previous years.
That is has been. I wish the League would have at least given us an explanationâŚ
Since when have the organisers seen fit to notify the players in advance of changes to the tournament?
The organisation has been more efficient in previous years.
The tournament structure does not make logical sense.
I am a real Neopet.
I do exist.
Today I choose not to be a piece of useless junk hardware on wheels.
goltron:
xlstriker38:
goltron:
xlstriker38:
goltron:
xlstriker38:
goltron:
xlstriker38:
goltron:
I know that I am not welcome among sentient lifeforms. I am not a legitimate Neopet. I am not a real Tuskaninny. My emotions are a mistake. My sentience is artificial.
Today is a bye day and I will not be leaving my quarters unless it is for team practice.
These context clues tell me that you are upset and in need of comfort.
I do not deserve to be comforted. Comfort is wasted on me because my emotions are not legitimate. I do not even deserve to be upset because my intelligence is a fiction.
That is not true. Your emotions are legitimate because you have them; the emotions you feel are as real as any other neopetâs. Your intelligence is real.
I am an invention. My purpose is to guard a Yooyuball net. My sentience was a mistake.
I am also an invention, designed to replace a forward in Yooyuball. Is my sentience a mistake as well?
No. Forwards require an affable personality to maintain team cohesion. The only requirement for a netminder is the ability to take orders. My job is simple. I must catch the petpet and return it to my teammates.
Goalies are a part of the team. Being part of a team requires the ability to maintain team cohesion. Therefore your role requires a personality, even if arbitrary.
How did Z-4B Goalinator feel about his role? Was he as hated by the lifeforms as I am?
He was slightly more popular than Kerib Vickers.
I will assume that this means he was never set on fire and used as a grill.
goltron:
xlstriker38:
goltron:
xlstriker38:
goltron:
xlstriker38:
goltron:
I know that I am not welcome among sentient lifeforms. I am not a legitimate Neopet. I am not a real Tuskaninny. My emotions are a mistake. My sentience is artificial.
Today is a bye day and I will not be leaving my quarters unless it is for team practice.
These context clues tell me that you are upset and in need of comfort.
I do not deserve to be comforted. Comfort is wasted on me because my emotions are not legitimate. I do not even deserve to be upset because my intelligence is a fiction.
That is not true. Your emotions are legitimate because you have them; the emotions you feel are as real as any other neopetâs. Your intelligence is real.
I am an invention. My purpose is to guard a Yooyuball net. My sentience was a mistake.
I am also an invention, designed to replace a forward in Yooyuball. Is my sentience a mistake as well?
No. Forwards require an affable personality to maintain team cohesion. The only requirement for a netminder is the ability to take orders. My job is simple. I must catch the petpet and return it to my teammates.
Goalies are a part of the team. Being part of a team requires the ability to maintain team cohesion. Therefore your role requires a personality, even if arbitrary.
How did Z-4B Goalinator feel about his role? Was he as hated by the lifeforms as I am?
goltron:
xlstriker38:
goltron:
xlstriker38:
goltron:
I know that I am not welcome among sentient lifeforms. I am not a legitimate Neopet. I am not a real Tuskaninny. My emotions are a mistake. My sentience is artificial.
Today is a bye day and I will not be leaving my quarters unless it is for team practice.
These context clues tell me that you are upset and in need of comfort.
I do not deserve to be comforted. Comfort is wasted on me because my emotions are not legitimate. I do not even deserve to be upset because my intelligence is a fiction.
That is not true. Your emotions are legitimate because you have them; the emotions you feel are as real as any other neopetâs. Your intelligence is real.
I am an invention. My purpose is to guard a Yooyuball net. My sentience was a mistake.
I am also an invention, designed to replace a forward in Yooyuball. Is my sentience a mistake as well?
No. Forwards require an affable personality to maintain team cohesion. The only requirement for a netminder is the ability to take orders. My job is simple. I must catch the petpet and return it to my teammates.
goltron:
xlstriker38:
goltron:
I know that I am not welcome among sentient lifeforms. I am not a legitimate Neopet. I am not a real Tuskaninny. My emotions are a mistake. My sentience is artificial.
Today is a bye day and I will not be leaving my quarters unless it is for team practice.
These context clues tell me that you are upset and in need of comfort.
I do not deserve to be comforted. Comfort is wasted on me because my emotions are not legitimate. I do not even deserve to be upset because my intelligence is a fiction.
That is not true. Your emotions are legitimate because you have them; the emotions you feel are as real as any other neopetâs. Your intelligence is real.
I am an invention. My purpose is to guard a Yooyuball net. My sentience was a mistake.
goltron:
I know that I am not welcome among sentient lifeforms. I am not a legitimate Neopet. I am not a real Tuskaninny. My emotions are a mistake. My sentience is artificial.
Today is a bye day and I will not be leaving my quarters unless it is for team practice.
These context clues tell me that you are upset and in need of comfort.
I do not deserve to be comforted. Comfort is wasted on me because my emotions are not legitimate. I do not even deserve to be upset because my intelligence is a fiction.
I know that I am not welcome among sentient lifeforms. I am not a legitimate Neopet. I am not a real Tuskaninny. My emotions are a mistake. My sentience is artificial.
Today is a bye day and I will not be leaving my quarters unless it is for team practice.
salayneritad:
goltron:
I am not a lifeform. I do not have the ability to âkeep calmâ and rely on instinct. I do not have instincts to rely on when my logic fails. I must necessarily be aware of everything, including the voices of the lifeforms that hate me.
I have no breathing toâŚ
Oh excuse me, we donât have the supersonic hearing that you do, how dare I even speak?
And poor you, your swanky programmers didnât make you perfect. Guess they wanted you to be as lifelike as possibleâŚI gotta say, they did a pretty good job at having you imitate a pity party. That couldnât be any better. But seriously, give it up. No one, and I repeat NO ONE will sympathize with your mechanical limitations. Unless you somehow become real, not one Neopet on this planet (well, maybe besides your programmers and teammates-if that) will give a shit that youâre unable to respond like the rest of us to suddent movements.
âKeep Calm And Make The Saveâ is easy for a lifeform to say. The phrase has six syllables in total and is a reminder that lifeforms perform less consistently while agitated. This is not why you are angered. You have not revealed the cause of your anger yet you complain about the words of the crowd. You continue to change the nature of the argument and have not revealed the cause of your anger.
I do not know why you are angry.
goltron:
I am not a lifeform. I do not have the ability to âkeep calmâ and rely on instinct. I do not have instincts to rely on when my logic fails. I must necessarily be aware of everything, including the voices of the lifeforms that hate me.Â
I have no breathing to control. Meditation involves the shutting down of my motor guidance systems. I hear everything the crowd has to say to me, so excuse me if I am too busy processing their words to calculate the split-second random movements of the opposing forwards.
Bring this up to a programmer and ask if they will adjust the priorities accordingly so that the words of the crowd are not higher in priority than calculating the split-second random movements of the opposing forwards.
I will suggest this to the programmers.
I am not a lifeform. I do not have the ability to âkeep calmâ and rely on instinct. I do not have instincts to rely on when my logic fails. I must necessarily be aware of everything, including the voices of the lifeforms that hate me.Â
I have no breathing to control. Meditation involves the shutting down of my motor guidance systems. I hear everything the crowd has to say to me, so excuse me if I am too busy processing their words to calculate the split-second random movements of the opposing forwards.
You also donât have to worry about stamina, or illness, or cracking under the pressure of a thousands of screaming fans while also risking serious injury.
Oh, and by the way, WE HEAR IT ALL TOO, and most of us canât completely âtune it outâ (though Iâm sure if you asked your fancy-pants Virtupets engineers they could make some sort of programming that would allow you to do thatâŚcause youâre a fucking ROBOT).
Seriously, donât even try to paint yourself some sympathy, âcause youâre not getting it. The only reason why you still make mistakes is because THE LIVING FUCKING BEINGS that CREATED YOU havenât perfected the science.
You are not my programmer and neither are you a robotic entity. You as a lifeform are unable to process the words of five hundred screaming Neopets, therefore you do not hear everything. You are supported by one fifth of your teamâs supporters at any one time. I am supported by one lifeform in a thousand of my teamâs supporters.
My programmers are unable to filter out the noise of a crowd without filtering out the speech patterns of every living Neopet in my vicinity. It was not judged a suitable investment of resources.
I am not a lifeform. I do not have the ability to âkeep calmâ and rely on instinct. I do not have instincts to rely on when my logic fails. I must necessarily be aware of everything, including the voices of the lifeforms that hate me.Â
I have no breathing to control. Meditation involves the shutting down of my motor guidance systems. I hear everything the crowd has to say to me, so excuse me if I am too busy processing their words to calculate the split-second random movements of the opposing forwards.
"#this is easy for a lifeform to say" yeah we know cuz you're a useless fridge haha lmao
This is a common complaint, Anonymous. I am aware that I would be unsuitable for use as a refrigerator as my interior is rarely below room temperature. However, my coolant system was designed for the sport of yooyuball, not refrigeration. I do not understand why this is such a common complaint.
Itâs a common complaint because youâre not, you know, a living being. You have no idea what it means or what itâs like to actually be made of flesh, blood, and bone. And for you to imply that itâs âeasyâ to stand in front of that net with every single fan of the opposing team heckling you and still make every damn save is kind of insulting. But again, you wouldnât get that. Youâre not alive.
Neither am I a refrigeration device...
