Your Needs, My Needs
pairing: joel miller x f!reader
wc: 6.5k
summary: Joel and Ellie find you on their way to Jackson and while a bond grows, you struggle with how Joel makes you feel. Tensions build while living together in Jackson, forcing it all to the surface one day.
warnings: no use of y/n, family death (reader's), suicide attempt (reader), dissociation, lil stubborn ellie, swearing, angst, some mean!joel, yearning like crazy, fluff, mentions of blood, wound cleaning, drinking/alcohol, fighting, hopeful ending
A/N: hello! this is my first ever Joel Miller fan fic and also my first time ever sharing my writing online. i was deeply inspired by multiple things, a big one being the song "Your Needs, My Needs" by Noah Kahan so it is emo as hell (much like myself). im so nervous but excited to share this, i hope its worth your time! i had fun writing it. lastly, id love any kind of feedback! it would mean a lot, thank you and enjoy <3
When you met Joel and Ellie they thought you were dead at first, until you made the smallest movement.
You had just buried your brother. You sat at his fresh grave and just never moved. It never even crossed your mind. Eventually you ended up laying down. The sun and moon said their hellos and goodbyes over and over and over while you just...never moved. You felt your body ache, your bones burn from the cold, your throat go dry, your stomach twisting in itself out of sheer emptiness. Vivid leaves had fallen from the trees, covering your body. It was gentle, a kindness. As if the earth itself was tucking you into bed.
You had detached so far from your own body that their voices didn’t even register at first. It was as if you were under water. They were right in front of you and yet miles away. It was a man and a girl. In any other circumstance a man this large holding a gun at you would make you and your brother go for your weapons. But this wasn’t that. Your brother was long gone. After everything, after all this time, he died from an infected. So no, seeing this large man pointing a gun at you meant nothing to you.
You just looked at him with a hollow glare then at the girl and then back at him. You only blinked. That was all you cared to do while they kept trying to talk to you. They seemed so worried and you couldn’t understand why. You finally started to focus on their voices as the girl leaned forward to hand over a bottle of water. The man kept shooing her back until you heard a sharp “fuck off, Joel, she clearly needs it!” from the girl so he intercepted, holstering his gun, taking the water from her and cautiously moving towards you.
“Ain’t sure if you want this but...here’s some water.” The man lifted a clear plastic bottle slightly to show you and then placed it on the ground near your body. You looked at him and then the sky. He backed up to stand next to the young girl.
“We’re gonna stay over here, alright? Not tryin’ to bother ya, just have a girl here who can’t seem to let things go.” You heard the girl hit the man and scold him then he continued. “Swear we’ll be on our way when we know you’re alright, that’s all.” It was admirable and foolish. His humanness. Both of them. You’d laugh if you had the will to move.
They stopped. They’re giving you their water. They don’t have to do this. They don’t have to but they are. It pissed you off. You didn’t want their help. You wanted to die. You wanted to stop. You had enough. You didn’t want this.
“Uh, hey?” The girl spoke.
“Ellie-”
“Joel, please.” There was a beat of silence. You just listened to the leaves fluttering, almost whispering, in the wind. The girl carried on.
“Listen, you’re clearly not infected. You’ve been here long enough that the leaves are piling up, you would’ve turned by now. I’m guessing you’re probably hungry and thirsty and sore and can’t move without a fuck load of pain. And I saw the shovel...” Your stomach turned and stabbed, tears building in your eyes. “I just...we’re going somewhere-”
“Ellie!” The man interrupted, seemingly much angrier but she ignored him.
“We’re going to a place called Jackson! Come to Jackson!” The man was actively trying to stop her from saying more. You couldn’t blame him, really.
“Jesus Christ, Ellie, enough!” The man finally got a hold of her. They argued but you really just hoped they would leave you alone.
You closed your eyes. You were so tired, you felt yourself decaying. As the sky tried to pierce through your eyelids, you kept seeing your brother. He seemed like he was right there, waiting for you so you reached for him but he backed away. He looked so angry. You couldn’t speak, couldn’t tell him you’re sorry, that you did everything you could, that you felt like an open wound. Suddenly you felt something touch your hand so you quickly opened your eyes. The large man was kneeling next to you and carefully holding your hand. You rapidly blinked and the tears fell. You had lifted your hand towards the sky but were only able to get your forearm off the ground.
His eyes flicked to yours as he took the water and placed it in your hand he was holding and slowly moved it toward you. You couldn’t stop shaking as you carried the bottle to your mouth. The man’s hand went to your shoulder to help you sit up on your elbow. Every part of your body was wailing, it was like it couldn’t decide if it wanted the water or not. If it wanted to keep going or not. This man was offering you a choice. You paused, just holding the bottle for a moment.
“I understand.” He said.
You glanced at him, taking a second to process what he said. You looked back to the ground and your hand. It felt like a losing battle. There was only silence as you slowly took a sip, allowing tiny streams of water to creep down your throat. The girl smiled and kneeled down by your feet. “So…what’s your name?”
Ellie had asked you that simple question but it was like a blood pact. They took you in for their journey to Jackson from there. You kept your distance but it didn’t take long for a bond to form. You watched Ellie ask endless questions as well as annoy him to hell and back with puns, Joel proudly showed her that he found Chef Boyardee and you couldn’t help but soften. You deeply respected and admired the way Joel took care of Ellie. You always waited for it to go wrong, for him to do something sinister, you were prepared for it but that time never came. He kept making sure she slept, ate, and used her gun properly. He even let her stop to look for comic books along the way. Who did that these days?
One of the nights before getting to Jackson was the hardest aka the night you realized. You were all exhausted, ran into way too many clickers that day and finally found a safe place to rest for the night. It was a vast open field with trees lining the area. The moon was full and stars filled the sky. You sighed as you sat down, happy to be able to. Ellie couldn’t stop staring at the sky. Joel couldn’t stop watching her. In the distance there was a long howl.
“Oh shit” Ellie whispered. Joel scowled for a moment, waiting.
“Should we be worried?” You asked him.
“No, they’re far enough.” You nodded and let yourself relax. You made it this far, you trusted him.
“I’ve always loved wolves.” You blurted out. Ellie and Joel looked over at you. “The pack mentality. The way they howl to find each other and it keeps their bond strong...” You trailed off, hit with a thought of your brother. They both looked away from you, silence filling the air. The tone shift was frigid and you couldn’t get a read on either of them. You saw the look on Ellie’s face and it squeezed like a vice on your heart. You suddenly had an idea. You stood up and proceeded to howl as loud as you could.
“Jesus!” Joel yelled at you and Ellie started giggling.
When you stopped you smiled deviously. You raised your brows and gestured to Ellie for her to howl. It took zero convincing but Ellie started howling next. You carried on howling with her and Joel shook his head but you saw the smirk on his face. You felt a flutter in your stomach at the sight and a sense of pride. This warm cocoon of Joel’s safety and attention was a place you never wanted to leave. It was a harsh realization, one you weren’t prepared for and arguably the worst possible outcome. You weren’t quite sure what to do with it so you did nothing at all. The important thing was staying alive and everyone making it to Jackson in one piece. Which you did.
Jackson was a mix of dreams and nightmares for you. Joel and Ellie said they had been here before but not you. The walls were so big, there was so much noise, there were so many people and they had so many guns. Joel told you to let him do the talking unless a woman named Maria asked you a question. You obeyed him. The side eyes from everyone made you fold into yourself, trying to hide in your own skin. You watched Joel hug a man who looked eerily like him and a pregnant woman stood with them. They looked so happy, they were laughing, and it made your breath catch for a moment. This place was really okay? Would Ellie lie to you? Would Joel?
They graciously put you all in the same house. You couldn’t fathom being separated from Joel and Ellie. You knew the safest place was with them and they respected that. Maria was kind as was Tommy, the man Joel had hugged. His brother. They managed to find you a job, something to ease you in. It was just a cleaning job at the bar in town but it was enough responsibility they felt comfortable giving you and you felt comfortable taking.
In the 6 months you have lived there, you settle in nicely. Sure, it took a while, there’s no doubt about that but you found your place. Your new job ended up being perfect for you. You grew closer to your coworkers to the point where you would have outings with them. You had friends, a social life, they made you feel human again. You got promoted to bartender after more new people joined Jackson. You were so proud, the first people you wanted to tell were Joel and Ellie. But it was hard, everyone was trying to figure out their new normal. Joel was trying to be a father to Ellie, but he was isolating. He encouraged Ellie to work, and she did, but he kept to himself. He would do patrols, have the occasional meeting with Tommy and go home.
Being in the house ended up being your least favorite thing. It wasn’t anyone’s fault, not really. In the midst of this new quiet domestic life, you were forced to confront how you felt when you were there.
One of those moments being about a month after settling in to Jackson when Joel stopped you before work one morning. You jogged down the stairs of the house, going for your jacket when Joel appeared from the kitchen.
“Oh, hey” You tried to force a casual smile as if seeing Joel wasn’t the best part of your day.
Joel wouldn’t admit it but any time he got to see you he would memorize the look on your face when you saw him, the look only he got. The smile that would start as the one given to anybody in town but then spreads through your whole body. To your uncertain eyes that would soften. Your tight shoulders that would drop and relax. Your anxious, trembling hands that would settle. Your entire nervous system would halt its thrashes merely because of Joel’s arrival. He could never forget that. He just pretended he could.
“Hey.” Joel looked awkward to you. He couldn't entirely hold eye contact. “Uh, I know you’re headin’ out but ya mind if I pick your brain on somethin’?” You paused, unsure of where this was going.
“Sure, yeah, what is it?” You held your jacket in your arms and leaned back against the door. Joel shifted his weight slightly, fiddling with his hands in the process. He looked so small, which was very rare. You couldn’t help but smile.
“Uh, well…Ellie’s birthday is comin’ up actually and I…I wanted to do somethin’ for it. For her. Somethin’ good…special. I don’t know, maybe it’s stupid…” Joel started to trail off and turn away but you jumped in, pushing yourself off the door.
“Joel, no! That’s not stupid at all. I’m sure Ellie would love that. Did you have anything in mind?” He turned back to face you and didn’t speak at first. He just looked at you with this puppy dog stare.
“No. No, I don’t.” He seemed a bit deflated once he said it. “I- it's been a while since I’ve…celebratin’ a birthday, celebratin’ anything anymore…I ain’t got a damn clue.” He started to look a bit resigned now, almost frustrated with himself. Your heart ached at it. You let the moment linger and looked away from him to think. Something Ellie would enjoy, something special, something you’d get for someone’s birthday before…then it hit you.
“Cake.” Joel whipped his head to you, listening intently. “Make her a cake.” You clarified with a smirk. Joel started to smile then he stopped.
“Wait, I don’t know the first thing about how to make a damn cake.” He looked a bit panicked. You shook your head and giggled.
“I’m sure you don’t but you can ask the kitchen staff.” You smiled proudly at him and his smile came right back.
“Thank you.” Joel said quietly, almost a whisper. His broad shoulders dropped and his hands fell to his sides. You saw something in his eyes. It was hypnotizing and luring you in.
“Thank you for asking.” You replied at the same volume. Silence lingered for a moment as you both watched each other.
“I’ll let you go now.” Joel said. You just blinked at him, struggling to hide the disappointment but you did actually have to go to work so you obliged.
“Oh, right, yeah…work.” You stumbled as you turned to the front door. As you grabbed the door knob and opened the door, Joel called your name. You turned back to him as he walked over then held his arms out. He had a somewhat shy but determined expression on his face. It took you a second to process what he was initiating but then you promptly wrapped your arms around his torso and he wrapped his arms around you, warms hands on your back.
It was hard not to close your eyes and breathe him in. It was the first time you had been this close to Joel and it was exactly what you needed. He was firm but soft. The way he held you was so secure but gentle. His breathing was like steady waves hitting sand. He smelled like fresh cedar and coffee. You knew then that you never wanted to let go and that was when he did. Joel pulled back and tucked his hands in his pockets as you just smiled at each other before quickly exiting as fast as you could.
Thoughts of Joel and that day replayed in your head for the months following. Seeing pieces of him around the house were constant, loud reminders echoing in your head. It would outwardly manifest itself in ways like making Joel coffee in the morning or packing him food for patrol and you’d catch yourself doing it but it felt good. You wanted to do this for him. Joel noticed. He always did but he couldn’t say anything about it. He wouldn’t let himself admit it had an impact on him. That you had an effect on him.
It got to a point where you and Joel started growing apart. He pulled away more. You chalked it up to him trying to be a good dad to Ellie, you made as many excuses for him as you needed to feel okay about it. Anything to make it sting a little less, keep you up at night a little less, get drunk a little less. You ate meals alone, had coffee alone, did most things at home alone.
In fact, you were about to do another thing alone. To be fair you wanted to do this alone. Your boots were falling apart and you needed to borrow some of Joel’s tools to repair them. It felt like a better idea to do this while he wasn’t home instead of bothering him. You knew he would be on patrol, Ellie would be working and not asking a bunch of questions about what’s going on with Joel, and you had time before work.
You stand in the kitchen, just finished having your lunch and trying to finish your coffee before gathering up your boots when the front door slams open, making you jump. You look over and Joel storms in. The shock of seeing him hits you for only a second before you process what you actually see. He’s a mess, a stark collage of dirt and blood. A lot of blood.
“Holy shit- Joel!” You yell at him but he doesn’t stop.
Joel walks in and goes straight up the stairs. You immediately put your mug down and practically run to follow him. It leads you to his bedroom where you then see him go into his bathroom. You pause outside his bedroom door, fear taking over your body. Hesitation.
But no no no, that was a lot of blood, this is not okay, you need to check on him, you have to make sure he's safe. You push forward.
You carefully step into Joel’s room, hearing him shuffling things around in his bathroom, water running. When you reach his bathroom door, his jacket is in a clump on the floor of the entrance. The sight of it makes your heart beat faster when you see how drenched in red it is.
“Joel…” Your voice is barely more than a whisper.
You look up to see Joel focused on a wash cloth at the sink and a first aid kit tossed on the counter. His t-shirt has splatters of blood around the collar that seems to have slightly dripped down his chest. His jeans have splatters and pools of blood stained along the front of his thighs and some along the back near his hips. Blood is also covering his hands, forearms and neck. It’s hard to tell if any of this blood belongs to him.
“Joel, what the hell happened?” You ask him, worry and anger coming out at the same time by accident.
He won’t look at you. He doesn’t even acknowledge your presence. He just keeps his head down and starts soaking the cloth in the sink, his jaw clenched. Your concern only increases the longer he goes on like this. You’re emotionally being pulled in multiple directions as you watch him. Why is he doing this? The more you think about it, the more fed up you get. You are not gonna let him do this, not right now.
You slowly walk over, as if to not startle a wild animal. Joel freezes when he realizes you’re only moving closer to him. He drops the cloth in the sink, his hands going to his hips with an exhale through his nose. You step in front of Joel and face him so you are standing between him and the sink. When you look into his eyes he refuses to meet yours. You take a slow deep breath then put your hands on the counter behind you and lift yourself up.
Joel keeps his gaze down but it drifts to your hips when they push forward and up as you sit yourself down on the sink counter. You let your knees loosely fall open to Joel as you sigh and briefly pause to just look at him for a moment. You’re not sure what you’re waiting for, maybe for Joel to miraculously start explaining what’s been going on. He only keeps his eyes to his feet.
You scan his body, taking stock of all the blood, trying not to let any kind of panic set in, so you look for where Joel placed the cloth and pick it up. Without giving it a second thought, you face him and grab his right hand. You gently bring the cloth to it, working on each finger first.
Despite his cold demeanor, he doesn’t fuss. His arm isn’t stiff, he’s limp in your hands, letting you turn and twist his arm however you need. He just watches you with his chest slowly rising and falling, breathing like crashing waves again.
As you glide the cloth up and down his hand you finally start to get an idea of where this blood came from and it wasn’t from Joel.
“I can do this myself.” Joel says plainly, not an ounce of aggression behind it, just tired.
“I know, but I want to.” You truly do.
This is no chore for you. Joel carried the weight of the world every second of every day. You just want to help him carry it for a bit.
While you are wiping down Joel’s arm, he drifts closer to you. You’re too focused on your task, shocked he’s even letting you do this at this point. He is so pliant and relieved to be in your hands, he doesn’t even realize he does it. Joel ends up standing between your legs while you work on him. Once his hand is clean enough for you you notice small cuts and bruises, nothing life threatening so you move up his arm. You find more of the same, mostly bruising.
“You gonna tell me what happened or let me be crushed by debilitating anxiety?” You tease him and catch him shaking his head in the corner of your eye.
“Shouldn’t worry about me anyway...” Joel says it like he’s scolding you. You pause what you’re doing to look at his face. He’s still not looking at you, only down at his hands.
“What? Are you serious- you know what, I’m not explaining how wrong and absurd that statement is right now.” You shake your head and finish cleaning up his right arm, turning to rinse the cloth.
“S’fine. Just had a run in with some infected.” He is so stone faced. This was not “some” infected. In all the time you knew Joel and lived in this world, you knew this was too much of a mess for just that.
“You’re lying.” You keep your head down. You feel brave but you’re still worried about pushing him right now. He stays quiet. “This….is kind of a big sign.” You gesture around the bathroom. You’re actively softer when you say it. There’s a long pause. You want to give him an opportunity to speak so you don't say anything else. His breathing stutters a bit.
“We lost one today.” Joel mutters. It hits you like a train. You stop what you’re doing and keep your eyes on the hand you were cleaning, still trying not to scare a wild animal. “Died in my arms carryin’ him back.” He chokes out the words, like every part of him is working so hard to say it.
A lump forms in your throat and you finally look up at him. He appears so beyond tired, so worn. The lines along his forehead are more prominent, the bags under his eyes are heavier.
“I- I’m so sorry, Joel.” You whisper to him then soothingly rub his arm, fighting every urge to just hold him. He doesn’t have a response, just shakes his head and keeps his gaze focused down to your hands. You take that as a hint so you go back to what you were doing.
You let the silence carry as you continue to clean him. Diligently wiping each of his fingers, front and back of his hand, his wrist and up his forearm. Always on edge that you are going to find something heartbreaking but gratefully never do. It’s a special kind of hell to care about a person this much. Almost a sick joke.
“Blessing and a curse, this place.” You mumble and laugh dryly to yourself. Joel bravely watches your face when you say that, curiosity getting to him. He just hums in response, quietly urging you to continue. “I don’t know…spent so long out there with my brother just trying to find a place, a home. I lost him and thought maybe if we had somewhere, it would’ve prevented that but…it keeps happening...” You ramble to Joel while running the cloth over his warm skin, lost in thought.
His heart aches listening to you. He knows Jackson is safe, he knows he can take care of his people, that he can take care of you. He never wants you to worry about losing another person, not here, not with him. He knows this but today still eats him alive. Still a harsh reminder of what it means to live.
The man they lost was purely from a clicker, a poor twist of fate and underestimation of where they were. Joel did everything he could for that man, fighting everything in their path to the point where he was covered in bodies but they had to keep moving. Despite the fact that this man was clearly bitten heavily on his neck, Joel made a promise to him that he would get him home to see his family. Joel took the man on his horse, having him sit facing the side, resting against his chest, head on Joel’s shoulder. As the horse was off in a full sprint, Joel would occasionally say things to get him to talk, to stay awake. Unfortunately, Joel did not understand the gravity of his injuries. There was a lot more than one wound. He was simply losing too much blood and passed out in Joel’s arms.
He stopped the horse’s sprint to check his pulse but he was gone. Joel sat with him on the horse, the man’s head still resting on his shoulder, blood seeping into his clothes, wind whistling. He only stayed there for a minute before starting his rush to get back to Jackson.
“It’s strange…” You stop wiping down Joel to adjust the cloth. “Being here and having jobs and houses and running water and fuckin’ bars while the world ends and people die outside these walls.”
“Well we’re here…what matters is we build somethin’ worth stickin’ around for.” Joel says to you, sincere as the day he found you. You continue your work on his arm, your mind lingering on the “we” in that statement.
“Mhm, like my boots!” You tease, using an overly positive tone. Joel sighs, not impressed with your humor at this moment but still works to stop himself from smiling when you continue. “What? They’re really busted up! I was going to work on them today before you tore through here. That’s building something!”
“Y’know damn well I mean more than that.” Joel says, maintaining his gaze on your hands, not letting himself look at you but wanting to make a point. You’re not sure why he is so adamant but you lean into it anyway.
“Alright, okay…point taken.” You brush him off a bit, the topic causing a weight to settle in your chest. There’s an unbearable amount of guilt from just living your life, having friends, even laughing since losing your brother. Life here felt so frivolous but you can’t deny the way it became a security blanket. The dog you’d say hi to on your way to work, your friends that would tell you they only want one drink then you’re suddenly 7 drinks deep and you’re holding their hair back, sharing your favorite music with Ellie, the coffee you’d make for yourself and Joel in the morning. You’re doing more than surviving for once.
You finish up Joel’s arms and move on to his neck. You mindfully hold where his neck and shoulder connect with one hand and wipe him down with the other. Now that you are no longer fussing with his arms, they end up hanging on the outside of your thighs, resting against your knees. Joel seemingly still not protesting the process. This position forces you to properly face each other. That was something Joel was consistently protesting. You’d occasionally glance at his face and he would only be looking down and away from you.
You drag the cloth from one side of his neck to the other, gently scrubbing along the dip of his throat. You’re comforted to find minimal injuries on Joel. He didn’t make it unscathed but he’s still standing. He’s here.
He still feels so far away and you’re not sure if it’s because of the day he’s had or something else entirely. He worries you, whether he likes it or not.
“Joel…” You whisper to him, attempting to get his attention.
Nothing.
“Joel, why won’t you look at me?” You whisper again, unable to hide the ache in your voice. Your free hand moves up his neck and to his cheek. You gently caress him, examining his face and the pain behind it. Your hand then carefully moves down to trace his lips with your thumb for a breath before Joel quickly grabs your wrist.
You let your hand fall into a loose fist in his grasp, your knuckles resting against his lips. He doesn’t kiss them, he just holds your hand there then sighs, his breath fanning across your knuckles. His gaze stays down, a slight frown on his face, as he releases your arm.
You slowly put down the now dirty cloth next to you and slide off the counter, keeping your eyes on Joel the whole time. You stand with him and bring both hands up to his face, holding him there. It’s hard to get him to look at you so you slightly bend down to meet his eyes. When you finally make eye contact it hits like a clap of thunder followed by a strong pull deep in your gut. There is a swirl of thoughts and feelings on his face. His eyes are glistening, that puppy dog stare peeking through. You look him over then fixate on his mouth, Joel starts staring at yours right after.
As you both watch each other, you feel Joel’s hand graze your side then grip your hip tightly, briefly squeezing it. You take one of your hands and rest it just under his ear, right along his jaw. Joel’s heart is pounding, you can feel his anxiety radiating off his body as you lay your other hand on his chest. Your need for Joel at this moment feels like it’s bubbling over.
You lean in closer to Joel and he pulls away slightly, startling you a bit. Hesitation gets the best of him but he scans your face. He can only see the desire pouring out of you so he moves in to kiss you.
When Joel’s plush lips touch yours, it takes a second for what’s happening to sink in. But then your whole body lights up. You inhale and slide your arms over his broad shoulders, wrapping them around his neck, trying to get as close to him as possible. Joel keeps his one hand on your hip while his other moves to your lower back, hugging your waist against his own. It starts out soft, careful, slow. Joel is kissing you like you’re made of glass that can shatter at any moment. It’s when you tease his mouth open with your tongue that he switches.
As soon as he feels your tongue against his, he lets out a heavy groan and reaches down to grab your ass with both hands, pulling you into him more. You moan into his mouth and run your fingers through his hair, lightly grabbing it. Your craving for him running rampant. You let your hands roam from there, sneaking to the hem of his shirt and sliding your hands up his bare skin underneath. The two of you are a mess of saliva, tongues and heavy panting when Joel pushes himself off of you.
“Fuck.” He blurts out, trying to catch his breath.
You’re in a daze, equally stunned that you were making out with Joel and also that he just suddenly made it stop. You watch him, standing multiple steps away from you, hands resting on his hips.
“That…that was stupid, we shouldn’t have done that.” He was attempting to be stern, only partially failing.
“What? Joel, no, it’s okay.” You rush to soothe him.
“No, it’s not, you don’t know what you’re sayin’.”
You’re floored by this quick 180 from Joel, it knocks the wind out of you for a minute. “I...actually do and I know that I wanted that, I wanted you, I-I still do, I wanted every second of it-”
“Stop, just stop! That’s enough. I ain’t doin’ that with you again and we ain’t doin’ this.” Joel turns to walk away from you. It’s like a slap in the face.
“Hey! Yes, we are!” You yell, stopping him. He turns to face you again. “What the fuck is going on with you? I understand patrol was hard but I’m getting a lot of mixed messages here.”
“Nothin’ is going on. Not with patrol and not with you.” Joel says with a hint of attitude.
“Really?” You felt genuinely confused. “You…were covered in blood- a lot of blood, a person died…you could barely even say it. You let me clean you and you wouldn’t even look at me but you let me do it! Why wouldn’t you look at me, Joel? Even now you can’t, why can’t you look at me? And why are you so sure you see a life for me in Jackson, huh?” It’s like a dam burst, you can’t stop, it just vomits out of you. “We were just kissing for Christ sake! We were touching each other, holding each other. You’re really gonna tell me nothing is going on right now? That you don’t feel anything for me?” You can’t help it but tears start forming in your eyes, a thick lump in your throat. You feel nauseous.
Joel hesitates to speak. The guilt is overtaking him seeing you like this, he’s drowning in it. He dreams of holding you and you holding him but he’s spiraling.
“Nothin’...is going on.” He can feel the lump forming in his own throat, his chest tightening. His whole body is vibrating. A different answer was on the tip of his tongue.
Everything inside you comes to a grinding halt. You go numb. The tears spill over but you feel empty inside. You immediately go for the door, swiftly walking around Joel to exit. He stays completely still while you do. You go straight downstairs, put your shoes and jacket on and leave the house.
It’s a bit early for work but you decide to go to the bar anyway. You find your spot on a stool near the back and sit down. Your coworker spots you and says hi so you attempt to force a smile and say hello back. You order your usual and drink it in one go. You immediately order another one.
You really thought you and Joel were on the same page, it was humiliating. Were you imagining things? You take drink after drink until it’s time for work. You even take shots with patrons during your shift, brushing off your coworker that tries to ask you if you’re okay. You just tell them “Yeah, of course I’m okay” then carry on. You fool no one either.
You drink until you can’t see straight and your body feels off kilter by the time work is done. You grab your things and start the walk home, a place that only feels like home because of Joel and Ellie. Your chosen family and you probably ruined it. What if you did? Where would you go? His brother runs this place, would they kick you out? Could you handle it out there without your brother? The thoughts don’t stop flicking through your mind. Before you know it, you’ve made it to the house with tears sliding down your face.
Slowly you take each wobbly step up the stairs and to the front door. You hope no one’s awake at this time. You open the door and the place seems empty. It’s quiet, only a small lamp is on in the dining area. You finally let out the breath you’ve been holding and remove your jacket then hang it up. While kicking your shoes off you stumble slightly but catch yourself, hoping no one heard you. There’s a thumping and clattering sound upstairs and you look to see if someone’s coming down. No one does.
You drag yourself up the stairs and stop at the top of them. You notice the light on in Joel’s workshop, the door closed. You feel an invisible string pulling you to it but you don’t let yourself go. Even in your alcohol addled mind you know you have no business talking to anyone right now, especially not him. So you shuffle over to your bedroom, rip off your pants and climb into your bed.
For the first time since getting to Jackson, you dream about your brother. The times before the end of the world and after. The way he looked after you in school, played together at home when your parents ignored you, made sure you ate enough. How he still managed to make you laugh after everything went to shit while also teaching you to be strong. You see adult him smiling too, the one that you buried. He only looks at you and smiles then shakes his head. He suddenly grabs you for a hug but then you wake up.
The morning sun pouring through the window makes you immediately groan and cover your eyes. The headache pounding in your skull is not friendly. You lay there on your stomach and peek through your fingers for a moment to adjust. That’s when you notice a full glass of water sitting on your bedside table. Did you grab that last night? You slide your hand off your face and just stare at it for a few minutes.
When you feel ready to get up, you roll out of bed and pull on sweatpants. You glance at the water one more time as you go to leave but something stops you in your tracks. On the floor, sitting right by your door, are your boots. Fully repaired boots. Your jaw drops and you’re completely stunned.
“What the fuck?” You whisper to yourself. You kneel down to pick them up when you see a small note on the floor. It’s folded in half so you unfold it.
drink all the water please come find me when you’re ready
Joel
And the smell of coffee fills the air.
if you made it this far, thank you for reading, means a lot <3
