(1 of 7)I am a veteran with PTSD and I did some very personal pictures inspired by similar pictures of veterans. The pics aren't necessarily about ME, but the fight some of us continue to battle. While we remember those that gave all, don't forget those that still fight, on the front lines, at home, or inside themselves.
(2 of 7) try to look normal on the outside. trained to be numb to emotion, trained to kill another person, but not how to live with it. not how to see your friends die. when the smoke clears and the mission is over, our service is done, look normal on the outside. its what they expect. don't show weakness.
(3 of 7) there are many casualties. families hurt, suffer. marriages fail. we're not the same when we come back. can't handle any rejection from the people we dreamt about coming home to. hard to be with. hard to love us when we cant show it back. we hurt, lash out when you don't understand. say things we don't mean. I make mistakes. push you away. towards someone else. when all we want to do is hold you, love you. but don't know how to show you. instead we damage you. and have to live with it. we can't fix it, control it, and we cant change it. we live with it. and regret every second of it.
(4 of 7) "If this is a medical emergency, please hang up and dial 911." "Do you have any thoughts to hurt yourself?" "Do you have any thoughts of hurting someone else." "How much alcohol do you consume? Monthly, weekly, daily?" "How much do you sleep?" "I know you called us 6 weeks ago, but this was the first available appointment time." "Take your meds." one for sleep. anxiety. anger. depression. pain. blue pill. red pill. green pill. 3 times a day. once a day. twice a day. They will help fix you..... But we're not BROKEN. Weathered, worn, but not broken. Some need care, help. Not someone to..."fix" us. We are not what is broken
(5 of 7) alone. dinner for 1 again. can't see your son for 4 more days. don't want to be alone, but struggle around people. the noise. afraid. "go out, meet new people!" sounds so easy. wait for the questions. What was it like? it was kittens and f'n rainbows. a resort. Does it matter to you if/how many people I shot? Well, does anyone you know want to hang out? the 113 people that told you happy birthday on facebook? wanna sit at a table and take bets on who looks up from their phone first? I'll stay in. dinner for 1. dull the pain alone. cloud judgement alone. it helps to sleep for those 3 hours. hate the solitude, but stay away today. wont hurt anyone. wont offend anyone. wont disappoint them. tired... so tired...
(6 of 7) Know what a gun barrel tastes like? Full bottle of painkillers? headaches. empty. lonely. unwanted. easier to be let go than to wake up? Why weren't you enough for her? Why did you come home when your comrades didn't? Why do you know what burning bodies smell like? That your toddler's cries for his mom sound identical to those of a dying man. shot at. bombed. blown up. seen death, watched it. laughed at it. cheated it there. and here. Not afraid of it. I'm not afraid. Will it end...
(7 of 7) it won't end it but simply pass the pain onto someone else. Someone that cares, wants you here. Someone you won't be able to help, hold, love. Someone you fought for in the first place, and those that never made it home, gave all for. Those that gave all, they did for you too. We can honor them by living each day to the fullest. Getting help when we're not well. I know they would if they were here.
(epilogue) as it was happening, the weight of our losses, gravity of our actions would be realized only after the fact. admiration, confidence, the damage taken were not goals that we aimed to achieve. much like our battles now, at home, within. cannot foresee the impact, the influence, or the damage of what we do until after the fact. And like then, if we surrender, give up, we would be only another soul to mourn. look at the person beside you, your child. will never want them to feel this, to be this. Like those that have fallen watch over us, and do not want us to join them. Not until our mission here is finished.