I’ve been gone because for the past couple months my depression has taken over me entirely. I couldn’t stop it no matter what I did. I shunned my family, friends, and everything I could so I could try and pull myself together. I have come to terms with that I’m transgender but that I have a mom who refuses to believe its real and that its a phase. My dad says he “forgets” to call me by my name and the right pronouns. It’s been horrible. And through this all I’ve been maintaining being clean from cutting, currently around 4 months. But it got worse, way worse. I did what I thought I never did, I tryed to kill myself. I had acted normal and then just cracked. It felt like part of me broke off and I just.. couldn’t do it anymore. I took 20 pills that night, which was Tuesday night. That night I had wished to go into the new year relapsed and with a failed suicide attempt.. Or dead. I cryed after the first 10 realizing I didn’t want to do this, but the worst part was that I couldn’t stop it. No matter what I did I just couldn’t, it was the part of me not overtaken by mental illnesses watching them win and kill me. I tryed to puke but I couldn’t but I have some amazing best friends. One of whom called the police. I thank both of them, because without them I wouldn’t be here most likely. The pills made me mostly tired but I’m not sure if thats because I was in the hospital or what. I got out of the hospital New Year’s Eve. The main point is is that I’m not coming back yet. I’m not ready but I’m trying to stay alive. And i’ve found a very large amount of support coming from Truce and Trees, from my sibling, and from my friends. Without any of them I would have never saw that I COULD do good. I may still believe I’m a burden but in my heart I know I’m not. So with all that said, thank you. Thank you all for being here no matter what and I’m thankful for you all. I’m thankful for twenty one pilots. And I’m very truly grateful to Pax, Amy, and Bradey. Please stay alive everyone not just for me but for those bands that you love to death, the kid next door that smiles at you when you come outside and frowns when they don’t see you outside for a couple days. For you cat who either annoys you or is an absolute sweetheart. For any animal that you will touch and will look at you with wonder. For the person that will see you on the street and think how you look so cool or how they wished you would smile cause they are sure you have a beautiful one. For your first kiss, for the wedding kiss, for the kiss after you adopt/ give birth to kids. For everyone out there that believes that they don’t matter but everyone around them sees them as a blessing and loves having them around. Even though they may not say it they show it. You know that everyone matters so why do you think you don’t? Everyone matters, There is no reason that you wouldn’t. Everyone has a place. Be it good or bad. And you, you will be amazing. You will do so much just hold on. Hold on till your 90 and then you can wonder how’d I get this far, but you’ll see it’s something amazing that you did. I, a suicide survivor, can tell you personally that it’s worth it, you can get past the tsunamis of pain and make it to the sunny beach island on the other side. Trust me. And with that I end this.
