Hey there, I'm Ted, I'm a Coast City transplant, I've been living in Gotham City for about three months now, and here is the top five things that I've learned in my time in this city. Thing number one - Batburger? Not all it's hyped up to be. Do not believe the hype. "But Ted have you tried the Joker Fries?" Yes, I've tried the Joker Fries. They're not that good! You guys insist that they're just, absolutely amazing, I would take Big Belly Burger over Batburger any goddamn day! I will fight on, I will die on this hill! Two, uh, gang territory? Here? Gerrymandered to fuck. Swear to god, I can drive two streets down and go through three different supervillains' territories. My coworker Alex? His duplex is split between Two-Face and the Penguin. I am not kidding. He has to change colors when he goes to the bathroom. ...Listen, I said Batburger wasn't all it's hyped up to be, not that I wasn't gonna fuckin' eat it. Thing number three, I thought that you were fuckin' with me, when you told me this, but um, yeah, Halloween is actually outlawed here. Apparently one too many supervillains were buying their suits at a Spirit Halloween, and a couple'a their henchmen just got wrapped up in copyright infringement. Absolute nightmare for the- for everybody involved. So they just outlawed it entirely. I saw kids knock on someone's door and say "trick or treat", I shit you not, there were ten cops outside my house. Thing number four, you can actually find henchmen jobs on Linkedin. Like, yeah, it'll automatically put you on a watchlist with the GCPD, but, they're there! You can find 'em! I mean, rent gets any higher, I might be lookin' into gettin' a job, I mean, I'm just sayin'! They're unionized! I'm not! And thing number five, um, you don't know all of the rogues gallery. Apparently. I thought that the superheroes had, like, a normal number of villains, I thought that that was kind of like, pretty universal number of villains across the board- absolutely not. These fuckin' people, there are so many. Listen man, in Coast City we were used to like, one intergalactic threat showing up every couple'a months, it is like, almost every other fuckin' week here. Somehow they are not exaggerating about the crime here, but also, absolutely exaggerating abou- It's not as disruptive as you would think, but it is still extremely prevalent. Oh, and like, mystery thing number six, every time you move into a 'partment, there's a little welcome package, if you say that you're, moving in from out-a-town, and it has, like, one-a-those safety straws that you use to drink outta fuckin' lakes, uh, a gas mask, a gun, uh I don't kn- I didn't- I don't know how they legally can do that. But those are my top five things that I learned living in Gotham City for the last three months, let me know if y'all want a Part 2, I- there's so much more, this place is fuckin' weird, man-
