a mediocre life @gotilldawn - Tumblr Blog

how odd it is to be sad always. always always always

<p>Sometimes I think about how Courtney took me to get French fries at 3:00am after being released from the hospital and that just means so much she’s such a good friend

I can't wait until I'm dead and I don't have to think about my weight and how much I hate my body

When I was younger my step mom would constantly tell me I was fat and that I needed to lose weight but also call me a bitch because I looked "like a dream California girl" because I'm tall and I have long blond hair. But now I have such a bad food complex that I can't throw my food wrappers away without feeling worried that someone will know that I ate something. And when people comment on my body (good or bad) I think about it for so long after. I hate that woman.

I wish I could warn every precious girl about javi and how he will fucking break them and hurt them so badly and convince them it's their fault. Like he doesn't know how to love people and wish every person on this planet knew that.

sometimes i remember that i spent 6 hours being investigated after being raped and 4 of those hours were spent in the hospital. i took 5 pills and got a shot and had a lighted probe stuck in my vagina for a half an hour. i remember it being so cold in the room. i remember crying for weeks after that. i laid in bed and slept all day. they've doubled my medication at this point. i am still so scared.

The grass knows our names. It knows how we gently touch the tops of each other's hands out of the need for contact but the promise to keep things quaint. The water knows the sounds of our breaths; how it goes from deep laughter to heavy panting. How, under its supervision, we don't have to keep things quaint. The sky knows the tops of our heads and shoulders and how we keep those things secret, how our hands stay below the belt because everything above is reserved for the mouth. The canyon was our bedroom, and the mountains were our house. Nature knows us better than we will ever know each other because even through fatal attraction and keeping our words behind closed doors we could never get our actions meet them half way.

i don't know what to do. i am so lost and so scared and i feel like maybe no one understands me at all. that's so dumb of me to say but the one person who i know truly understand what this feels like currently hates me. i just don't know what to do anymore.

missed him and his sweet touches. here and gone forever. the water knows us better than we will ever know each other.

I think I'm sad not because I want to be or have to be but because I feel like I should be. And I think I genuinely am, I just don't know why. Like I know that when I wake up in the morning I can start to feel every single minute pass as it does, and I know that whenever I think about what's going on I cry, but I don't know why those things are happening. I don't know why I'm having all the side effects of attachment without ever having actual attachment.

I think about my breast bone, and how it still aches when I watch you walk away. I think about your eyes and the concerned look they made right before you used kiss me, as if you were weighing your options: "should I kiss her?" "Do I really love her?" "I don't care", and our lips met. Our mouths locked like metal clanking even though you got your braces off years ago and I never even had any. Is it blood or steel I tasted in your mouth? I think about your hands on my neck never loosening their grip until the unsettled look in my eyes moaned out "too tight". But in the end it was my grip that was too tight. I think about your hands pulsing blood from tip to palm to arm to brain but the thought to reach over and hold mine never translated quite right. And I think about your brain sending signals to your mouth to your hands to your body to act out speak out feel out every "I love you" but never back to itself to think or know it. I don't know if you sleep soundly at night, if you can look at yourself in the mirror and be proud. But I know that every time I catch your scent a lump forms in my throat like the first time you refused to kiss me in public. And when you act like I'm not around my palms sweat like every time you refused to hold my hand. I don't know if you ever learned the meaning of "I love you" but I'm cut with the scars of burning lies because I couldn't teach you. I hope you find her out there in the dark, where you hide all your truth because I am not your guiding light. I don't care about your hands or the creases on your neck that perfectly compliment the creases in my lips, I don't care about my name lingering in your mouth like the girl that your cousin refuses to kiss. I don't care about you hurting me and never apologizing, I learned to throw you to the wayside, just the way you taught me. I don't care about the countless hours I spent revolving everything around you with no return. I don't care about you, I care about me.

I wanna fall in love with you every day all over again forever. I wanna see you in my dreams and feel you in my sleep. I want you to look me in the eyes and remind me why we were only ever a secret. I wanna know you'll be there when I need you and more importantly just when I want you. I want to stop seeking love from the boys who can't spell; who don't know the difference between cultural appropriation and cultural appreciation. I want to know that your mouth is the only one that matters because the words that come out of it are like silk. They mean so much to me. You mean so much to me. I want all your hiding places to be in me and I want to know that when you break eye contact it's because you just can't handle it. Not because your sad. Please don't be sad.

Pretend this is in a read more

Last night was so meaningful to me. It was my last show ever at my high school but also my last time working with all those amazing dancers. When our director said "you've all carried me the last 4 years I can carry you the last 4 feet" I started sobbing. She has been crazy to us but I love her so much. And realizing all the amazing people surrounding me and all their talent was one of the most beautiful moments I have ever had. Doing that show taught me to appreciate so many things that I would not have realized before were important. Even though everyone (literally everyone) was soooo badly hurt they kept dancing and that's what really took me back. They are all such strong people and they are so driven. But also next to the people dancing were all the people that came and supported. They are the reason we do these things and to see so many people who congratulated me when I wasn't even dancing was amazing. I felt so loved for my job and that is all I ask. My best friend came sat through 33 dances because he wanted to support me and our school and that means more to me than anyone. I wouldn't give up working with Clarice and Ella and ruby for anything. And pepper and Leah and Eric are learning the tricks of the trade faster than I can imagine. I truly believe that show changed my life and I will always look back on it and realize what they mean to me.

I have tattoos on my body that are there to remind me specifically not to love you. Every time someone starts to makes an assumption you sternly huff out the word “friends”. You get angry that I still shake and cannot look you in the eye; that I still wait on you for subtle glances and nods that tell me “I want you”. My favorite candy is the sweet taste of your lips, rotting away my teeth every time they’re left there too long. And I still think about you fucking me whole at 2 in the morning. The words “I love you” still roll off my tongue like shards of glass, un gracefully leaving my mouth bloody and burning. I still mean it. I’ll always mean it. I saw god in our bed that night. He told me “the boys who love you won’t just love you. They’ll run their scaly nails down your sides leaving cuts like gills so you can breathe in the river of cum they’re drowning you in”. I felt myself losing breath, but under the weight of your body and fatherless childhood I found a solace in your breast bone. It still scares me every time you sigh; I can feel the scars of new words forming. “I just don’t feel that way about you” “this is your fault” “you make me feel like shit”. Every time I believe you. I have always believed you. It has never been true. Everything smells like us. All my bedding reeks of stale love like the last bouquet flowers your father gave your mother before he left; insignificant but still effecting. I can’t close my eyes without seeing yours. I only breathe in your worn out breath, and it still tastes like her mouth. After every apology, it still tastes like her mouth. After 8 months, it still tastes like her mouth. After I infiltrated ever crevice and cavity, it still tastes like her mouth. I would never harm myself in your name because your hand prints have already left burns on every part of me that mattered. Now when I look in the mirror I see the remnants of my pure flesh doused in red splotches of sin. I cannot repent for the things you did wrong. I cannot stray from the path of bruises that line my heart and spine. I cannot remind myself enough not to love you.

Everything is my fault. I'm sitting here and I'm thinking about how all the shitty things that happened with us were solely because of my actions. I'm so attention seeking and disgusting and I don't deserve you. I never deserved you. My hands still shake and my heart still beats louder than my mind can cover up. I still clutch at my wrists till they're red and I wake up from dreams screaming because they are too much like real life. I'm so sorry. This is because of me.

Always running into walls by assuming the best in people.

Sun burned after staying to hear you. Was it worth it? How do you always leave your mark even when you have nothing to say.

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a mediocre life