atlas

vent side blog || 19 || ftm

[gra1nyst4tictv]

introduction post

call me atlas. i am a 19 year old trans man and i have been on t for a year

i have been diagnosed with post traumatic stress disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, adhd, major depressive disorder, and there is a possibility of ocd

i am unwell. this blog is going to contain content made by a mentally unstable individual. don’t get mad for looking at the blog of someone who’s fucked up

i’ll continue to update this as i see fit.

[gra1nyst4tictv]

they hate when i say that i believe in bodily autonomy to the point that it is your god-given right to kill yourself

[gra1nyst4tictv]

yknow. somehow i always do fuck it up in the end

[gra1nyst4tictv]

i know that i really shouldn’t

that i’m going to get mad at myself for doing it

but it’s really all i can think about. i’ve been clean since february 19th of 2025. that’s over a year. actually, almost a year and a half.

a year and a half and i didn’t relapse. through all of what happened last year, i didn’t do it

but it all got worse. it really did. it’s okay though, i knew this would be my ending.

i was never meant to have a good ending, i know i wasn’t. bad beginnings rarely have a good ending. it’s alright, you don’t have to be sad for me. i’ve already accepted i’d end in tragedy

[gra1nyst4tictv]

my chest hurts. i always feel like im dying now. i wouldn’t mind dying, i know it’d be more peaceful that. now. i’d actually get to rest. maybe i’ll even see my brother again

i think i’ve gotten over the guilt of leaving my sister to be an only child. i can’t do it anymore. waking up day after day for it all to be the same. working harder and harder and yet i’m getting nowhere. the world is on fire, pedos run the government, no one can hold a conversation…what’s even there to life for at this point?

there’s basically no future in sight and the one person…the thing that actually made me want to stick around for a bit…well he’s being weird too

i don’t know what’s up with him. i think he realized he loves me. i wish he’d process that faster. i’d like to see him before i kill myself

[gra1nyst4tictv]

a familiar sight. i wonder if i’ll actually relapse after over a year or if ill just hold it in my hands again

but everything is too much. i just want to cry. i have no control over anything. i can’t stand it

[toddsolondz]

destroying and betraying yourself for nothing all by yourself, handsome?

[gra1nyst4tictv]

i don’t think the suicidality is from lack of attention

it’s kind of always there lurking in the background, always a thought of mine. i’m just so tired, exhausted deeply in my soul, the thought of resting forever? it seems so nice. nothing to worry about

i always feel this way when i’m stressed.

maybe it’s a side effect of the molly i took last friday. didn’t happen the first time though

i wanna take it again. molly is fun. it makes me feel so good. it makes me fearless

[gra1nyst4tictv]

i need someone to talk to

being alive is weird.

i was starting to think it was pretty cool. but i wonder if im just that dependent on someone that the moment they don’t give me attention i feel suicidal

[gra1nyst4tictv]

i wonder what it’ll feel like to feel his palm on my cheek, caressing or slapping it, i don’t care which

[gra1nyst4tictv]

there is something so deeply, inherently, intrinsically wrong with me

but maybe that’s okay

not everyone is supposed to be a good person

[gra1nyst4tictv]

i wanna feel pain so bad. feels like there’s electricity under my skin and i need to get it out before my body shocks itself irreparably

[gra1nyst4tictv]

i really miss him. he hasn’t texted me since saturday night. don’t know why

he sent an ask today. i know it was him

only he types like that

[gra1nyst4tictv]

blogging into the abyss tonight. i guess that’s what a vent blog is for

[gra1nyst4tictv]

i have self harm ideation but not in the “i need to hurt im so awful im depressed” way but in the “i’m so intrinsically and wholly under stimulated and stuck in a loop and im going to go crazy i need to break it” way

[gra1nyst4tictv]

is it time to start incessantly posting on my vent blog for once? seems like it!!

[gra1nyst4tictv]

don’t even look at me in this heat or i’ll explod e yuo wi tn my brain