Blue Butterfly Red Sea

My Journey To Sovereignty

[bambibeckett]

things i know how to do but shouldn’t know at all because of abuse:

how to walk silently

how to appear calm while in a huge panic/depressed/anxious

how to cry silently

how to dissociate quickly when abuse happens or trauma resurfaces

how to defend my parents and excuse them even though i know it’s wrong

how to lie really well (although i try not to use it around people i care about)

staying stoic in the face of people throwing fits/screaming at me

doing physical work even if i’m injured or dissociated/depressed, and not stopping if i’m injured (the internal thought surrounding this is that i can’t stop, because if i do i’ll be yelled at again, and everyone will see me as weak and they’ll use it against me)

knowing people’s footsteps and being able to identify them over loud sounds

knowing the sounds of someone returning home like keys in a lock, cars stopping (even over loud noises)

sensing people’s emotions especially if they’re angry because that means they could lash out at me next

repressing emotions/trauma

turning any sort of emotion into anger

[grace-labs]

#Me2.

Only I know them from an abusive husband.

I could sense him coming from Miles away...

It felt like Electricity.

[painfulblisss]

“To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all.”

— Oscar Wilde (via thoughtkick)

[grace-labs]

Live!

#BeU.

Love.

[the-inspiring-quotes]

[grace-labs]

Truth.

[acire99]

Yes to all of this 🖤

[grace-labs]

Consequences.

Slow Down.

Investment.

...without even being in one...

Genuine Future Plan.

Invest.

Stranger - Partner - Stranger.

Listen to your Heart.

[dumboletexaslol]

[grace-labs]

Exactly.

[grace-labs]

Emotional Abuse Is INVISIBLE.

Emotional Abuse Is CONFUSING.

WHY Is This Happening To Me?

I Must Be A BAD Person.

There Must Be Something WRONG With Me.

Only, There Isn’t.

Because If There Was, I Would FIX It.

But this idea doesn’t occur in the Mind of the Abused.

No.

The abuse is fought off to the best of our ability....

We try to be Good.

We try to be Worthy.

We try to be Loving.

But it’s Never Enough.

Because what we are fighting can never be Satisfied.

And this Realization comes when it’s Too LATE.

[grace-labs]

20190113 ::: Milwaukee, Wisconsin, USA

2 Years Ago.

I am at Froedtert Medical Hospital.

I have been here for 10 days.

I slept for the first 5.

They didn’t know where to put me in the hospital.

I ended up on the Blood Floor.

I feel better. Scared. Lonely.

I chat with my Friends on Facebook.

I feel so loved by my 5000 Global Friends.

More loved than in America. Certainly.

The nurses let me roam the hallways.

I am no longer a High-Risk Fall.

The doctors tell me I don’t have “Breast Cancer on the Brain.”

I am so not surprised.

They are so blind.

But how can you tell the Authorities that?

I Tell Them.

Everyday.

Everyday They come to Inspect me.

I Tell Them My TRUTH. MY Reality. My Experience.

They start to set Their Timers when They visit me, I keep Them so long.

They Believe They Know Everything.

THEREFORE ::: They Are ALWAYS Right.

Only, it’s MY Body. My Brain. My Blood. My Heart. My LIFE.

They are looking in the WRONG Direction, in the WRONG Place, through the WRONG Lense, with the WRONG Information.

And THEY get to decide MY Fate.

Because THEY Are The Authorities.

Some Say A Storm Is Coming.

For Me, It Already Came.

It Took EVERYTHING.

Everything.

And It Left...Only Me.

[grace-labs]

20200112 ::: Giza, Egypt. 1 Year Ago. I Made A NEW LiFE. I SURVIVEd. I AM HERE. Still. Everyday Better. Everyday Stronger. Everyday Closer…..Sophia’s House of Grace ::: A Home for Orphans & Street Children.

[grace-labs]

G00D.bye

20210110

The Pain I Received From the Creature that Lives INSIDE of you Taught Me That Death Is A Choice.

And IT ripped off of Me My... Everything that wasn't Me. IT shredded Me. To Pieces.

And you didn't See that. This Is MY TRUTH. Jacob.

I was Dying And I Died Many Times in your presence.

When you Made Me RUN to that Concert. Oh My God. WHO Does That To Someone Who is SO SICK?? Then, I COULDN'T BREATHE For 24 Hours.

You didn't SEE You didn't See Me DIE RIGHT In FRONT of you Because of YOU Because of YOUR ACTIONS. Because of That THING that LIVES INSIDE of you. IT doesn't let you have COMPASSION For Another For Your WIFE.

This THING is Invisible. But it Comes Through you. I KNOW for a FACT. Because I had to PULL IT OUT of Me.

And you Know EXACTLY What I Am Talking About. And you have to KILL IT. Or give it Back to your Dad. Or get Rid of IT. Because IT Is The DARKNESS.

And I can Say This NOW Because I have MySELF BACK I'm STRONG. I'm Healed. From All of the DEATH you put Me through And Told Everyone I was Crazy.

No, I Wasn't Crazy. I was CRAZY to MARRY you. What the f*ck was I Thinking?! But you gave Me All of 1 Second to Think About IT.

And you and my family Collude about how Crazy I Am Yeah, Right. You can't See Me. And they Don't Care about Me for 3 DECADES. And I CUT You ALL FREE. This Is My TRUTH.

And GOD...Took Me To PARADISE. So Yeah... I Am DEAD. In AMERICA. Thanks to you. Thanks to you for Not LISTENING to Me.

STILL don't listen to Me.

You're about to have your WORLD Turned UPsideDOWN. And you can THANK DONALD TRUMP For Everything HE Did To Make THAT Happen.

God BLESS THAT MAN. And God BLESS GOD & The ANGELS. And the WHOLE GALAXY. We ALL Just Got SAVED.

And you Missed EVERYTHING. Good Luck. Jacob.