“We Must Do That Which We Think We Cannot.”

Hi, my name is Grace. This is my place to vent. Join me if you want. I get a little dark and twisty sometimes.

[traumasurvivors]

Maybe this is a controversial take, but I don’t think we should be telling survivors about the “benefits” of their trauma. I don’t think they should be told that “at least your trauma made you kind,” or that it “built character.” 

My trauma didn’t make me kind. My trauma didn’t build my character. I made me kind. I built my character. I made myself who I am today. 

I think what we should be telling survivors is that they didn’t deserve what happened to them and it should have never happened. You’d be amazed at what validating someone’s experiences can do for them. 

[remanence-of-love]

[remanence-of-love]

[grace-lost-in-space]

Therapy

My therapist wants me to start being active on here again. I have been writing a lot and sharing a lot with her but I realized that you guys have missed out on so much that has happened and I miss so many of you on here. So here’s to not-so-new beginnings and me being active again and putting my writing out into the universe and also just life updates. I love you all and thank you so much for always checking in on me. I have HUNDREDS of messages and there is no way I can get to them all but just know that I love every one of you so very much.

[grace-lost-in-space]

Taylor Swift

@taylorswift Every time you release a new album marks another milestone of life for me. It means I am still alive. My body is giving up. I have been through nothing but torture with every surgery and procedure and hospital stay. When child life would come sing to me during this last hospital stay that lasted 6 weeks, I would always ask them to sing “soon you’ll get better.” I was alone for most of that stay because I was on neutropenia precautions but every day I looked forward to child life singing me to sleep with one of your songs.

Thank you for getting me to another season of my life. I am thankful for you and especially for your new album. Being sick and has become my normal. I celebrate in my head every time I live to see a new Taylor album. TTPD is one that I identify with the most. And one day my dream is still to see you in concert. One day. I hope.

[resqectable]

“Sometimes, the strongest people in the morning are the people who cried all night.”

— Book of prosperity

[remanence-of-love]

[grace-lost-in-space]

Carl

If you still read my blog I really really really need you. Please send a message to me on here or comment on this post. I am not okay.

[grace-lost-in-space]

Update/My Mom/*CW* Abuse

Hi you guys. I know it has been a long time since I have been on here. I have a lot of dm’s but there is no way I can get to every single one of them so I just want to do an update. Please know I am so thankful for every single person on here who has messaged or commented. Sometimes I think you guys are all I really have. This has been my platform to use my voice for so many years now.

-first of all I tagged @taylorswift because for the past 13 years she has unknowingly gotten me through the hardest times. There is zero chance she will ever see this but if she does, I want her to know she has helped me stay alive for the past 13 years. This life is so hard.

-my mom is still abusive. My therapist reported bruises on my neck from being choked. DCFS waited almost one week to come out and “look.” Then they said there were no bruises. I said that is because it had been almost a full week. The social worker said “if your mom choked you with enough force, you would still have bruises today.” She asked “why would you want to tell on your mom and lose all this nice stuff you have here (my apartment, my dog, my iPad that I use to communicate). I said because this is how my mom keeps me in this cycle. Then she said well if you’re saying your mom hurt you I have to ask her if she did it. Then I told her no that always makes my life get worse. So she told me then I would have to tell her I lied about the bruises or else she would talk to my mom. So I did. I told her nothing happened and then I said “but I really wish I could tell you the truth.”

-about 7 days later my mom blacked my eye and pushed me into the wall. I went to CB’s (the judge) house right after because she told me come straight there. She took pictures of my eye then. That was a Sunday. The next day I went to DCFS and the secretary took pictures of my eye with her phone. She told me to ask for another meeting with the social worker and ask if she can be there. So I did. The social worker waited one week to call me back and said no, no one else would be there for a meeting and she already closed my case. She said “you don’t have a mark on you” then I said yes I do come right now and you can see it. CB (judge) also took pictures. She said “No Grace I’m not wasting my time. And do you want to have to give up your dog and your apartment and live at a shelter which by the way has long waiting lists just because you’re mad at your mom?” So I hung up on her.

-Candy bar is really mad but she said we can try to get help for me in other ways without going through the state. Right now my biggest thing is money and having enough money to make it until January when I will be moving to a subsidized apartment. And my mom will have no access to me. I am on a waiting list for it.

-I feel so sad. Everything has been so bad. Nothing has changed except my mom is really really hurting me again.

-I need help getting completely free/away from her. If any of you know some ways to do that please tell me because I am scared and I am exhausted and the state is obviously never going to do anything. My mom has too much influence because she knows them.

-I am still really really sick and on disability so my money is a fixed income. I do not really have the option to go out and get a job. I have no savings. I have nothing.

-I just wish this was all one bad bad bad dream.

[grace-lost-in-space]

Therapy

This hurt. My therapist was asked to write out why I need a legal guardian. It was so hard to read these and even harder to read the therapy note.

[cassie-lmao]

[honeypleasejustkillme]

and it’s genuinely the worst pain i’ve ever felt

[grace-lost-in-space]

Dear @taylorswift

I have my new wheels thanks to my health insurance. And all I want to do is FINALLY see you in concert even if I have to drive this thing across the country to do it. They told me I would not live and I lived. They took out some internal organs in the process. I have to thank multiple donors for donating blood that saved my life more times than I can count. I finally got safe from my mom, no thanks to DCFS. I moved by myself to a new city. I have a pulmonary embolism but I am still breathing even through all of the infusions and scans and treatments and surgeries and IV nutrition. I am not thriving yet but I am alive. There are days that I do not want to wake up but I did not come this far to only come this far. The ONLY thing on my bucket list is a Taylor Swift concert. I just want one good thing to happen to me because there has been so much bad for so long 😔.

🎶This won't go back to normal, if it ever was

Its been years of hoping, and I keep saying it because

'Cause I have to

Ooh-ah, you'll get better

Ooh-ah, soon you'll get better

Ooh-ah, you'll get better soon

Cause you have to🎶

[grace-lost-in-space]

Update 😓

1. My name is OFFICIALLY changed.

2. The judge is one of CB’s good friends so that made it a little easier.

3. I have a new birth certificate, drivers license, etc.

4. I have a pulmonary embolism but I am okay. I have to take blood thinning shots twice a day for the rest of my life but at least now my blood clots will be managed. This is my first pulmonary embolism but my 4th blood clot in two years. I have been really sick lately but I am feeling a little better now.

5. It is very strange to have a new legal name. And a little uncomfortable. But at least now I am safe.

6. The judge herself took me to some kind of place in the courthouse for abuse/tr*fficking victims. They were really nice to me and they are helping me with resources. I am obviously biased toward CB as far as judges go but this judge was so, so kind. CB told me if I want to write her a “thank you” letter, she will give it to her.

I feel really really exhausted but I am so happy that I might finally get a happy start. I do not want to say a happy ending so I am just calling it my (hopefully) happy start.

[amaraqwolf]

Are you trapped on tumblr right now?

Is there something you planned to do before you got trapped in the endless tumblr scroll?

Are you yelling at yourself to get up and do the thing, but you can’t, because you’re trapped in the endless tumblr scroll?

Consider this your save point.

Put tumblr down, stand up, stretch, and go do the thing you planned to do. Future you will be incredibly grateful.

[nostalgicfun]

Littlest Petshop, 1995 ‎️‍🌈

[throughtimeandstarlight]

[charlesoberonn]

This post goes around Tumblr every year, and it’s always true. There’s never been an uneventful or boring January.

[grace-lost-in-space]

Update

Now that I have a court date, I can give an update. In 4 weeks, I have a court date for a name change. CB is helping me with it and she feels like this will be my best chance at getting completely safe from my mom and from the people who tr*fficked me.

I am so scared.

A new city. A new house. A new name.

I feel so alone.