[gracieefer]

give me the hope for tomorrow,

give me the grace for today.

[gracieefer]

The other day joseph told me he feels like he's never had the experiences that he feels a son should get from his dad. there is no passing down of rituals, no routines or lessons to be shared from one generation to the next. with him there was no camping trips, no monster jams, no shared bracelets, no heart to heart talks...

As first born children of immigrants, we are drawing from empty wells, going into this whole parenting thing blind it seems. not to discount what has been done for us, but these days i feel like im mourning the childhood i never had. im mourning the first time parenting experience im now able to give others. the curse of the giver, as joseph would put it. cursed because we've been bred to believe true love is measured only the amount of sacrifice you give of yourself, and cursed because we're too afraid to find out what happens when we stop.

[gracieefer]

almost 20 years and im still picking up after you.

[gracieefer]

on what could have been/what could be

you can be bleeding for 12 years, or paralyzed for 38, and still have Me turn it around for you. 

[gracieefer]

nothing has gone to waste. 

you can be sure of that. 

[gracieefer]

on rollercoasters.

I hate rollercoasters. In fact I dont know why they exist. I mean, most of the time im just wincing, with my eyes closed waiting for it to be over. Joseph on the other hand, hes a daredevil. He rides rollercoasters both hands up in the air laughing the entire time.

I remember once I asked him what was so fun to him about rollercoasters and he responded that it’s the closest you can get to danger without knowing you won’t get hurt.

I’m learning to enjoy rollercoasters.

I’m not going to waste time waiting for it to be over. No, I’m going to put both hands up, feeling the wind between my fingers, laughing the entire time.

[gracieefer]

down the rabbit hole

why is it that i feel ashamed to take up space?

why is it that i resent being a mother and not single?

why is it that i cannot bear to ask for help and when i do i feel embarrassed for it?

why is it that i cannot be grateful for the people i have in front of me?

[gracieefer]

glory to glory, strength to strength. 

[gracieefer]

in the end, youre on your own kid.

[gracieefer]

on birth

people have been asking me is child birth really that painful. 

the short answer is yes, haha. but is it weird if i say it actually feels kinda good?

when it came down to it, everything in my body was naturally wanting to push. In fact to avoid it would probably be more damaging to my body and it would hurt more. and i knew, if i didn’t, i wouldn’t get the blessing of Ember. 

if the earth is really groaning like the pains of childbirth, that means it’s culminating towards an actual birth. i dont think we experience glamorous or dramatic moments with God daily, but i wonder if these small moments are leading to a bigger breakthrough. im often at the cusp of a breakthrough but im too scared of the pain or too proud to sacrifice what i need to, leading me around the desert again. but today He’s telling me, “lean into the pain,” because something is giving birth. yes, it’s painful. yes, it’s difficult and often lonely, but it’ll be worth it in the end...

[gracieefer]

Jesus replied, “Foxes have dens and birds have nests, but the Son of Man has no place to lay his head.”

22 We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. 23 Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption to sonship, the redemption of our bodies. 24 For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what they already have? 25 But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently

-------------------------------------

i ought not be surprised at my pain. for i was created for something outside of this world. a reminder to self that the goal is not comfort, for even my King did not have a place to sleep comfortably at night. 

let pain be the reminder of my need for a Savior. 

let loneliness be the reminder of Emmanuel

let injustice be the reminder of the Great Judge whom I can trust for perfect justice

let insecurity be the reminder of the Great Shepherd

let my anxiety be the reminder of the God of peace 

let my neediness be the reminder of Jehovah Jireh

[gracieefer]

i still believe in new years resolutions

more giving this year

more loving this year...

[gracieefer]

joseph says im like honey

rich and thick in flavor, 

slow running, but 100% real.

some people want the artificial stuff.

some want things faster and easier, 

and don’t want to

get stuck 

in 

the

honey.

but joseph

says im like honey.

and i think thats pretty sweet. 

[gracieefer]

[gracieefer]

on Love.

It’s interesting that when I go and “tell on Jo to God” 

i am met with my own selfishness and lack

and it is always after I repent of myself that I begin to see the fruit of forgiveness.

marriage is not a warrant for me to change Joseph, 

it is the choice to be the church to Christ,

ever-trusting that yes Joseph is the man I believed him to be at the start

that i haven’t been “punk’d” or deceived into being stuck with someone

but that with him i get to learn about love,

along with its highs and lows,

sacrifices and glories,

and in that, 

i experience God. 

[itsjanet]

“The deeper our faith, the more doubt we must endure; the deeper our hope, the more prone we are to despair; the deeper our love, the more pain it’s loss will bring: these are a few of the paradoxes we must hold as human beings. If we refuse to hold them in the hopes of living without doubt, despair, and pain, we also find ourselves living without faith, hope, and love.”

— Parker J. Palmer

[gracieefer]

on growing.

loving emmett has exposed how much i strive for control. if im not watching him like a hawk, im researching on how to better him. ive caught myself being protective when others hold him, i get anxious taking him outside of the house, and i’m always watching the clock to make sure he’s on my schedule. 

today i tried just letting emmett play by himself for 10 minutes. i didnt check my phone, i didnt pick him up when he fussed, i didn’t look at the clock...

and as i was watching him, i saw him start to feel around at the activity book we have. this was the first time that he was actively aware of his hands and how things feel on them. 

small milestone, i know. maybe he wasn’t totally aware, haha but to me, it was a breakthrough. both for him and for me. 

emmett, im learning, just like you are. 

im learning to let go of how things ought to be. im learning to lean into your timing. im learning about you, and how to love you...