PARACOSM

Charlene. 22. Soldier, Stardust.

[introspectivepoet]

We don’t see things as they are, we see them as we are.”

Anaïs Nin (via introspectivepoet)

[girlinlondon]

I hate men who are afraid of women’s strength.

Anaïs Nin (via girlinlondon)

[keepcalmandwritefiction]

The rule of the writer is not to say what we can say but what we are unable to say.

Anaïs Nin (via keepcalmandwritefiction)

[wordsnquotes]

Tell me every terrible thing you ever did, and let me love you anyway.

Sade Andria Zabala  (via wordsnquotes)

[grainy-memory]

Just one of those nights

It has taken me forever and a day. 

And somewhere in the near future, 

I’ll see you with your new lover. 

Go ahead and be someone else’s baby. 

I’ll remember us from a distance. 

Young, mad 21 year old lovers. 

Oh how much I believed in the future. 

We weren’t just in love. 

We were love. 

And I’ll smile knowing we had our time. 

[observando]

[grainy-memory]

5 minute crushes

For as much as I can remember, I’m always recollecting stories of the past. It’s something that has helped quite a bit in my personal growth. I recollect past moments not because I want to go back, but because I am the one that breaks. It teaches me to relearn and to unlearn certain things. It doesn’t make it any easier because I will always be the thunder; the one feeling everything everywhere.

In April 2016 I meet a guy and I thought it would blossom into something brand new. I think it is a brave move after more than a year of trying to get over my ex lover. We have dinner and we talk about all the good things. He asks me what I’m up to the next day and if I was interested I could go to his church with him. I tell him I’m not a church person even though I am brought up in school as  Catholic. He tells me it is the same for him but that the energy and everything is different when he is in that special place, and that he breaks down and he feels free being there.

I wasn’t interested but yet I was in love with the way he was so passionate about something. I see the differences as something wonderful and maybe I can learn something different from him too. Or maybe I just liked him because he was a 31 year old doctor, and speaks with an air of someone who got his shit together. We talk about things and I am calm and it doesn’t feel awkward at all. I slip in something about my ex but don’t go any further.

And as I know it, I drove home with a huge sigh. I listen to Perfect by The Smashing Pumpkins, thinking this is the story of my life at the moment. I sighed not because I didn’t have a good time. I did have a good time, but I sighed because my mind was still else where. I think I was still in love with somebody else. 

To be continued, or rather, to be backtracked. 

[floralls]

[grainy-memory]

Noise

I’m a loner I’m alone yet there is so much noise.

[grainy-memory]

Friends to lovers to nothing. Still having flashbacks of the past. Sitting and having tea and cake with it but not staying. You showed me so much of myself that I’d never imagine existed. I’ll always believe in how much I am capable of giving and loving. Fiercely, aggressively, softly, slowly, carelessly yet smartly, lovingly. 

[sheisrecovering]

[grainy-memory]

Forget the past. Forget the future. Forget all that you understand. Forget all that you believe. Forget what you have been told. Forget all that you know. You only know it as you know it now. You'll know it differently next time. Only trust the beat of your own heart and soul. It is real and perfect.🌹

[grainy-memory]

From a broken heart in another lifetime.

All that I used to believe in flashes past before me. I wanted to hold on to my favourite parts, but I know that none of it was mine to keep. Just the old photographs frozen in time and borrowed moments. So I let it evaporate into the air as gracefully as I fell into it.

I surprise myself every time when I look back and see how much I am capable of giving and loving yet still fall short. 

I am choking on the words I am scared as fuck to say. I get the feeling this all amounts to nothingness. I wake up one day and I feel like there is something stuck in my gut and my throat. People are asking me if I am okay. No I am not okay, I am a young girl with a broken heart and the pain is too much to bare but I play responsible young adult and carry on anyway and knew there and then that it’s time I save myself from drowning yet again. From here, float on.

[black-sensations]

Fendi Fall Couture 2016 at Fontana di Trevi, Rome

[paris-sanders-deactivated201705]

this still is hauntingly beautiful 

[grainy-memory]

The company we keep.

31/07/16

The truth is, I am always writing about stupid boys in my journal. Always about the time my world is crashing down because I got my stupid heart broken again. But I just thought of something pretty sweet and something to be really grateful and happy about. It is about the people we meet in this lifetime. It is about the friends we keep.

No, I don’t think of it as chance encounter or the luck of draw. It is the kind of people that will vibrate towards you. We tend to meet the same kind of good people when we give out a certain kind of good energy and they are the ones you realise are worth keeping. The ones who will always have a special place in your heart. 

So I’m in my final year of uni. We’ve just finished our dissertation and I was pretty happy with the work I’d done. So anyway, V and I we’ve been wanting to go out for a drink in a while now. She comes over to my flat that night. We start drinking wine. It was red wine that I got from Bordeaux from when we went out there for a course trip. God that was fun. 

We turn on the music and start dancing to Bombay Bicycle Club on the sofas. We drink more wine. Just the two of us y’know. I’m not so girly but in my heart I’m just a girly girl. It’s always been easier for me connecting with members of the same sex. We talk about a bunch of things that I couldn’t really talk about with other people. We’re so happy we’re doing this. We are happy we have each other.

We walk to Fab cafe. It’s this nerdy place in town. Yeah don’t judge us. It’s got really cool posters on the wall. I take a photo with a Metropolis film poster. We go to another place called Mint. We dance to good music. I get shitfaced and I throw up all over and we get kicked out of the club. 

I sleep on her sofa. It was freezing downstairs. In retrospect, I forgot how cold it gets in winter in England. Y’know I’m so god damn tropical like that. 

The light of the day wakes me. I see her housemates come in and out the living room. I still have my contacts on and slept with them on and my vision is blurry. I see a pot on the floor next to the sofa. Thank fuck. I didn’t need it and didn’t use it either.

I get up and go upstairs. Feeling much better I suppose. Apparently I was being and idiot and got really drunk last night. But V tells me it’s okay. We stayed in bed all day watching a film. We got hungry and ordered fried chicken and watch Fear & Loathing In Las Vegas. It was trippy. Chicken and trippy film. Sounds fun eh?

We get a call from J. It turns our a few of my friends have been looking all over the place for me. Because classic me - my phone died and I’m perfectly fine without it for a few hours. Who’s gonna call me right? “No, no, Charlene’s fine. We’re just watching a film and having chicken.”

So I’ve been told to get in touch with a few people to say hey I’m still alive and okay. It turns out my flatmate L had felt it was weird that I’d left my door unlocked and lights turned on and well gone missing without a functional phone for the entire day really. So she got  hold of R and R got in touch with Y and J. They were worried. It seemed funny at the time and never for a second occurred to me that I’d cause a bit of worry to people who cared about me that day. It is safe to say I am still good friends with every single one of you. It means more to me than you’ll ever know. And it is a part of my memory.

There is so much. So much to be thankful for. So much love. So much gratitude, but mostly love. So much left to give. And I hope that will always be enough to see the beauty in this wonderful life.

So I wrote this almost 3 years from the day. December 2013 it was I think. It stirs up my memory. It is beautiful, and wonderful to understand things clearer in retrospect.

So this one’s for all of you.

*Names not written for I do not have permission from any of them.

Infinite Love,

C

[observando]

[grainy-memory]

Of good men. Of fathers. Of daughters.

This is the first thing I thought about when I woke up this morning. No not really awake. I was half asleep and half awake at the same time. In between rest and in between waking moments. I thought about men. I thought about good, grown men specifically. I love the way grown men speak to people around them about the parts of themselves that are most vulnerable. I love the way they are on the edge of tearing up when they speak about the people and the parts of their soul that are rarely touched, the parts they used to keep in the bottom of the pit of despair. I love the way that eventhough society expects men to be strong, fearless and that they shouldn't cry, they still show that side of them. I love the way a grown men lights up and talks to me about their baby daughter growing up. I love it when he tells me that when she turns 20 he'll be sad that she isn't a baby girl anymore and that she'll be moving out. I love it all. I love the way a grown man tells me to leave him alone when he needs some time and is in the verge of tears because of something that has deeply cut a part of his heart open. I love the way they tell me about the girls that they have loved. The women that they have loved and given a big part of their lives to. I love how they have loved every girl just as much but differently and to the best of their abilities. I love it when they remind me that cheating is wrong and that they don't do that shit. I love the way they tell me that I'm an old soul and that I am good and that I should never change myself for anyone. Anyone at all. I love the openness and vulnerability. I love the way people show you the worse side of them. I love the way people have the courage to own up to the fucked up shit and past mistakes. I don't feel so alone. I love it all. I love the way my father tells me about the parts that hurt. I love the way he loves. I love that the weight of my world is the weight of his too. I love it when I am happy he is happy too. I don't feel so alone. I love it all. I love it all. I love it all.