Kacy

HRT since August 15th, 2018. Classics major, deep into history. "For what is organic does not only live and grow; it also learns."

[grand-empress-kacy]

Might have found a new source of HRT!

Turns out an old friend of a friend of mine in town is trans. I contacted her today and we chatted, turns out she's not even on HRT! She got me in contact with her girlfriend who is also trans and she gave me a couple leads on doctors! I could actually get my HRT again!!! Ahh how I've missed it.

I've been full guy mode at work, which is easy but makes me frustrated. I still wear a sports bra daily at work because obviously my chest hasn't gone down in size despite being off HRT for so long. Plus the customers seem to love me. I've spent so long out out of social settings that I forgot that I flourish in them. I average $5-6 in tips every shift which is lovely.

[grand-empress-kacy]

No more

I've unfortunately been off hormones for a few weeks now. My supply is out and I don't have a doctor at all. I feel frustrated again, the way I used to. If nothing else, I've realized that a transition and happiness are 100% worth the anxiety and hardships.

I'm full guy mode and it hurts. I don't even have the energy to stay as fem as before so I've got the facial hair back. That with being called a guy at work all the time is taxing.

[grand-empress-kacy]

I think the fact that when I had a nasty fever

I would just yell "Jim HELPert!!" at my girlfriend and she would just stare summs up our relationship pretty well

[grand-empress-kacy]

Realized that today is exactly one year since I started HRT.

Left is from last summer, a few weeks before I started HRT.

Middle is from about 3 months ago when I was full-fem in public the first time. That was a good day.

Last one is today. Unfortunately about a week after the second photo was taken I learned that my doctor couldn't support me anymore due to distance. I got really upset and demotivated since there's absolutely zero support in my province. Stopped taking hormones for nearly a month. Slowly started getting back on with what medication I have left and I've been taking them pretty regularly again.

[grand-empress-kacy]

I had this moment last night

Where I realized "I can't believe I'm trying again". All these failures, everything I've been through, every issue I've created or encountered in my life. Everything that's been trying so so hard to keep me down, yet I'm back; again and again and again.

I'm trying again. It's not over and I WILL have what I want. Eventually.

[grand-empress-kacy]

24

My last post must've been... oh months ago. Today's my birthday, 24. In 8 days it will have been a year since I started HRT.

Except, I've barely been on my HRT these past few months since losing my doctor/access to a prescription. For now I'm trying to figure out how to move forward. It's unfortunate and I miss how good things felt on HRT but I'll make it one way or another.

[grand-empress-kacy]

I woke up this morning

To a hot mug of coffee on my nightstand on an electric mug warmer. My girlfriend left for work hours before I woke up yet she made sure I had a hot mug of coffee next to me when I woke up. What a gal <3

[grand-empress-kacy]

Being on and off hormones

Has had some interesting effects. I can feel such a big difference in my brain. Off hormones is easy and things are how I know them; it's not awful but I tend to get real upset real quick. Though I must say I do miss how I felt sexy as a man. I'm sure the time will come but as a woman I feel awkward and slug-like. Years down the road will be different, I'm sure, but now is hard.

Being on hormones I'm in a great mood and things feel right and proper. However, because they're still new to my body I get mood swings and often feel so disconnected from how I'm actually expressing my emotions. I tend to snap at people in my life or just get kinda rude. 10 minutes will pass and I'll be so embarassed with myself. On the other side, seeing the femininity emerge in my features is the single most joy filling thing I've ever experienced.

Still trying to figure out how to get a supply of hormones. Knowing my prescription from a doctor, would it be a bad idea to move to self-regulated care through a clinic that supplies drugs like this??

[grand-empress-kacy]

To anyone curious

Things have been a bit out of whack here. This past may I hosted an old friend, my brother and his girlfriend, and then my parents. It’s been busy. 

Seeing as my doctor cut me off due to distance, I’ve sort of stopped taking my good good estrogen. I have a few months left of my current stuff, I’m making that last until I can figure out what to do. However, as of now I’ve sort of slipped back into guy mode. Haven’t really taken my meds in a few weeks, been letting the facial hair grow out more. I’m almost a little gender fluid these days, presenting male in public and being more feminine at home. That being said, I have struggled with following through with my transition as of late; purely due to my lack of a doctor and finite amount of HRT. I know this is still what I want, but things are complicated. 

Long story short, things have been hectic. Trying to find a new doctor, or even just a new supply of HRT. I’ll float, I always do. 

[grand-empress-kacy]

Just when things are starting to stabilize and make sense

Everything gets flipped again. Me being in New Brunswick is causing major issues with my medical support based back in Alberta where my parents live. Neither the therapist nor the doctor are really willing to continue to support me remotely. Somehow I need to find new ones here in New Brunswick... this is honestly awful news. When I first accepted the fact that I wanted to transition I spent months searching for doctors and therapists in New Brunswick with absolutely no luck. Maybe I'll just stop with the hormones... I have no resources and absolutely no time. I'm working full time as a landscaper and doing 4 courses in university. Trying to get my life back on track, I'm feeling a little small right now.

[grand-empress-kacy]

I got an interview!!

Thing is, I applied as my old male self with my old name. It’s a general labour job, which would pay well and be good excersise for the summer. Looking for a reasonable amount of hours per week too which would support my summer classes. All in all, seems pretty darn good. However, I am absolutely terrified of showing up. My face barely looks masculine anymore, my chest is beyond hiding. I have absolutely no idea what to do other than just pretend that I’m still a dude and I’m just fat with man boobs? How long would that game work… Ahhh, this is the life decision I’ve made. These are the problems I have to deal with now.

[grand-empress-kacy]

Amazing luck today!! This interview was about a week ago now. Went really well and they were very nice people but I unfortunately didn't get the job. The lady was this extremely nice old lady, gave me some suggestions on where my girlfriend could find employment; even went as far as to direct me to her son-in-law's business because he might need something. Regardless, I woke up this morning to an email saying that the person they chose wasn't the right fit and that the position is open for me!! I have a job!!! Decent wages, reasonable hours, free workouts, I get to plant my own veggies in their garden!

Maybe things will work out =)

[grand-empress-kacy]

3 months pre-HRT VS 8.5 months HRT!! First time I've ever presented fully female in public. I feel amazing. My brain is starting to calm down a bit from the influx of hormones and I can feel myself falling back into that state of success I used to know and love.

The world is vibrant and gorgeous.

- Kacy

[grand-empress-kacy]

Hi! I'd like to ask: What is your gender? What specific things make you that gender? I know this might be a personal question, but I'd love to hear what you have to say!

Well, I identify as female, but to be entirely honest I think it's the least important aspect of my life. My gender is who I am, but it isn't at all what defines me. I was thinking about a response to this for hours but realistically how I identify should be the last thing I define myself by. In my eyes I've always wanted the fact that I'm trans to be the least significant aspect of my life. My transition is an excersise in self love, acceptance, and happiness; and that's all that matters.

[grand-empress-kacy]

Gosh I don't know why I've been having such a hard time fixing up my diet and working out. I used to love going for runs and being physically fit. Now I'm overweight and so so out of shape. I can't seem to find my dedication.

[grand-empress-kacy]

Girlfriend told me she has to wait outside Bath and Bodyworks with the other boyfriends when I go in... whoops.

[grand-empress-kacy]

I got an interview!!

Thing is, I applied as my old male self with my old name. It's a general labour job, which would pay well and be good excersise for the summer. Looking for a reasonable amount of hours per week too which would support my summer classes. All in all, seems pretty darn good. However, I am absolutely terrified of showing up. My face barely looks masculine anymore, my chest is beyond hiding. I have absolutely no idea what to do other than just pretend that I'm still a dude and I'm just fat with man boobs? How long would that game work... Ahhh, this is the life decision I've made. These are the problems I have to deal with now.

[grand-empress-kacy]

I'm gonna start posting photos for now and see how they do.

This, even though it's almost 3 years old now, is definitely one of my favourite shots. It's from a solo trip I took to Europe when I was 21. Absolutely amazing time. When I was in Rome made a point of visiting every single church I passed by; purely for the architecture. I lit candles for my mom in all of them. I'm not religious but she's a born and raised Catholic. My favourite thing about this photo is that it's not edited at all, right place at the right time =)