* save our souls.

sadboy, why you look so sad, BOY? used to be so g l a d boy. why you feel so bad? in your, madness, baby, you're more than you think. baby, you're a SADBOY.

[midsommars-deactivated20201109]

Noah Centineo in To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before (2018)

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fara.

“you know marijuana is supposed to help keep someone calm. i don’t understand why the academy just doesn’t work it into their academic regulations. i’m pretty sure that half the school uses it anyway.” he said with a shrug making o’s with the smoke from the freshly made cigarette and looked over at the other. “sure it depends on the person, but the cannabis smell is supposed to calm someone down. a lot of nurses now and days actually use it a lot. want a hit?” he offered and handed the cig to the other next to him, assuming that they were listening to him the entire time.

gray had always been paranoid after taking a few hits of the drug, he mostly stayed away from it - which was surprising considering his party-boy image. he cleared his throat, sticking his hands in his pockets. “i would usually say yes, but i’ve got a bullshit interview to do today and i want them to think i have some of my shit together,” he declines, shaking his head. “but, the next time you’ve got some on you, hit me up. i might need it a little later.”

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frankie.

“ dude, i’m  TELLING you - that bike was janky as fuck. “ frankie insisted. “ one of the wheels wasn’t screwed on right or somethin’. or MAYBE…” he paused, building suspension with raised eyebrows. “ MAYBE it was an inside job ! “ he gasped theatrically, jaw hanging open for a few moments. “ there’s plenty of haters in this joint that would love to pull one over on ol’ frankie. “ still, the scenario was unlikely. it was most probable that he’d failed to take the right precautions before hopping on the motorcycle and showing off. “ i’ll have you know, i’m STILL the best in the business, thank you very much. not my fault the bike couldn’t handle my sick, advanced moves. “ shrugging, he tossed a hand up nonchalantly. upon gray’s request, frankie just stared at him, slackjawed, for a moment. “ fine, fine. “ pulling the bloody can off his head with a pained hiss, frankie made sure to give it a hefty shake before tossing it over to his friend. “ enjoy, asshole. “ 

“of course, it HAD to be the bike, there’s no way in hell mister frankie demarco would mess up so badly,” gray clapped frankie on the back, laughs threatening to spill from his growing smirk. “an inside job seems highly likely, i can name at least ten people who could have been involved. OBVIOUSLY, you can count me out. i was too busy sparring and pulling my sick karate moves in combat class. also, there’s no way i’d mess with my bestie’s driving ability,” he batted his eyelashes, looking at frankie sweetly. “dude, did you really have to shake it? way to be the actual asshole in this situation. what the hell dude.” gray grabbed the can midair, ending up with some of his friend’s blood across his hands. “i don’t want it anymore, demarco, but thanks for the offer,” gray announced, tossing it back towards frankie.

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genevive.

“the author was a real man but he did not live the life of james bond whatsoever, so not real still,” the blonde countered with a slight smug smirk. any spies portrayed in media, literature or art were always so…romanticized. the dashing male spy with the attractive female companion, walking away from an explosion like no big deal. give me a break. “no offence but there are much better sources of a voice of reason. not someone yelling at a textbook in a library.” viv took the seat across from him and took the booklet from his hands to look at it. “hm, maybe i’m not the best person to help you with this given my track record, but i can try if you want me to.”

“you’re telling me that he didn’t spend every single night with a new girl, in a different city, right after destroying a secret organization? i’d like to believe that most of bond’s adventures were just more hyperbolized versions of ian fleming’s life, dude,” gray was shocked he even used the word ‘hyperbolized,’ it wasn’t intentional, that’s for sure. maybe all this studying had gotten to him, unleashed his inner intellectual or whatever. “sure, not all spies are going to be able to kick ass the same way that james bond did, but i like to think that there’s some kind of hope that i’ll still have a career like that,” his lips curl into a boyish grin. “are you sure about that? i like to think that i have sensibility like no other! i’d make a great conscience, okay?” he crosses his arms, watching as she looks over the booklet. “eh, if you think you can help, i’d be willing to hear you out. i’ll take anything i can get at this point.”

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lucy.

overwhelmed. that was one word for how lucy felt. she had everything set out in front of her -  and ‘everything’ didn’t just mean the usual conventional homework. sure she had blueprints, but she had a rather complicated device that may or may not be a prototype for an explosive and two laptops open in front of her with a variety of coding on it. she had a lot of work to do and she had tried to find the most isolated point in the academy to work… but it still wasn’t working. lucy couldn’t stop daydreaming or fidgeting when she just wanted to get this work done… it took her a moment to realize someone had approached her. she looked up, eyes wide. “sorry, what was that?? i wasn’t paying attention.” 

“oh, i was just telling you how god awful this looks. damn, dude, you really should take a break from this kind of thing... i get it, you like homework and all, but is all this really necessary?” he gestured to the conglomeration of items across the table in front of her. it was overwhelming to him just thinking about doing this kind of work. the most he had done all evening was listen to a conversation in russian and try to translate it back into english. and that was the absolute, bare-minimum. “what are you doing?” it was less out of curiosity, and more an expression of incredulity.

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caoimhe.

caoimhe doesn’t particularly invest herself in not liking anyone - with the exception a few key figures in her life - but people who join the academy without discipline or any real respect for what becoming an agent means are far from her favorites. not that she really has favorites, or even really many people that tolerate her existence. “surely if we ever have a mission that requires the ability to throw away important resources like a middle schooler, you’ll be our only option.” her tone is dry and filled with sharp edged sarcasm, lips pressing into a thin line as he scoots closer to her. “you’ll never get to the james bond part because james bond isn’t real. act like this, the only thing you’ll get into expulsion or a quick death in the field.” tact? she’s never heard of it. “for one, i’m sure a lot more people would be able to get their studying done in peace.”

“me-ow,” he quirks an eyebrow, listening to her repeated insults, “someone got their cheerios pissed in this fine morning, cow-em-he,” he knows how to pronounce her name, but would prefer to see just how far he can push it. “hey, i’m sure you don’t understand what it’s like to study, since you’re, like, a genius or whatever. but, some of us don’t retain information like we’re fucking sponges, c.” he tries to make his tone as dry as hers, but it’s hard for him to act truly bitter, “it doesn’t matter anyways, i’ll probably get a passing grade on this test anyways as long as i use my usual guessing strategy. it’s never failed me before on a test.”

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caroline.

caroline kept her books and open, thinking that she might actually get some work done with gray around. what a silly thought. she raised her eyebrows and looked at the librarian, then back at him. “first of all, who do you have me for? of course i could… in my sleep. second, look at it, please. what gave you the idea that purse is worth the effort? i’m pretty sure she’d thank me for lifting it off her hands.” she chuckled, playing with the pen between her fingers. 

he picked up his own pencil once more, drumming it lightly against the wooden desk. “look, we’re going to put these textbook skills they’re teaching us into action. see, i’m supposed to be studying distraction tactics, but why not study them in real-time,” he bites his lip, facing back towards the librarian for a moment. “i know you could get it in your sleep, but i’ve heard that the librarian is into some crazy shit, caroline,” he mutters, hoping that the librarian isn’t catching any of their conversation. “i want to see what she’s got hidden in her most prized possession, maybe a couple of laser tools, a pair of handcuffs, and some other handy-dandy gadgets.”

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maya.

“And that’s exactly why this isn’t like any other job, Gray. Because when you work in retail, or when you become a chef, or when you become a famous athlete, you are not inherently responsible for all the lives you come across,” Maya said slowly, not quite sure how he couldn’t grasp that the point of the joke was exactly that it was over dramatic.

“And if you didn’t make mistakes, you wouldn’t have sold yourself short to begin with. Stick to one story.”

he didn’t have a comeback for her composed and well-rounded argument. instead of acting like an adult and taking the criticism, he chose to mock her as she spoke, rolling his eyes in an exaggerated fashion. “okay, this isn’t a normal job, but i’m not going to be responsible for every life i come into contact with,” he looks at her dead in the eyes, for the first time in the entire conversation. “look, i get it, you’re an instructor, and you’re supposed to help me see that this isn’t a waste of my time, but i don’t need your guidance. i’m good on getting life advice from someone barely ten years my senior.”

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genevive.

“james bond is also just a title that keeps getting passed from actor to actor. he’s not real y’know,” viv replied in slight annoyance to his sudden outburst. “i mean i’m all for fuck school, but maybe don’t say that in a place full of people trying to learn.” her tone made it sound like she was one of those people that put higher education up on a pedestal when in reality she barely made it out of high school. “what are you studying for anyway? maybe i can assist?”

“well, james bond was based on the author of the original books. so, i mean, he was kinda a real man,” gray shrugged, reminded of mr. bond and ian fleming becoming his childhood heroes once he’d learned of his parents’ occupation. “eh, these people probably need the wake up call that school isn’t that great. i think i should be their new voice of reason, they’d love a lot of the other things i have to say.” he sighs, opening the booklet back up to the page he left on, pointing to a question number. “it’s all about laws and jurisdiction, which is all bullshit... shouldn’t it just be like, ‘you can’t kill random people,’ and ‘don’t bring wild weapons out in public.’ instead, it’s a bunch of random laws, that are so boring, restrictive, and dumb as hell.”

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frankie.

“ guess they call it a test drive for a reason. “ frankie chuckled meekly, pressing a can of diet coke against a gash on his forehead. he was in rough shape - face bloodied, bruised, and lacking its signature goofy grin. “ need for speed ? more like need to BLEED, am I right ?? “ 

“how’d you manage to FUCK UP that badly, dude?” gray questions, sliding into a sort of a wall-sit next to frankie. “demarco, i thought you were the best driver in the business... guess that reputation is gonna get a little tarnished if this is what your driving can do to a face,” he teases, smiling at his friend. “mind if i have a sip of that coke? i’m really thirsty, just came out of a combat class, dude,” he points towards the can sitting against frankie’s bloody forehead.

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bambi.

          BAMBI REALISED, A LITTLE TOO late, that the library was not actually the most quiet place you could find in the academy. this was not the first time he’d heard someone complaining over their work today, and he doubted it’d be the last. ❛ you think so? ❜ he asks, in regards to the mention of james bond. his voice is kept low, casting a rehearsed, apologetic smile toward the upset librarian. he was met with a look that felt like he was being told to reel it in, despite having had nothing to do with the original outburst. if that was what was expected of him, only disappointment lay ahead: bambi wasn’t interested in keeping order, and gray certainly didn’t seem to care to do so, either. ❛ i’d imagine even fictional spies have to study. off-screen, perhaps, but study nonetheless. how else would they know anything? ❜ 

gray leans forward, pushing his book off to the side. “i think it’s an intuition thing, rather than a studying thing... to be a fictional spy, they never had to be book smart, it’s all about the street smarts,” gray leans back in his chair, stretching his legs so the chair lifts slightly off the carpeted floor. “i think the same thing should go in the field... it shouldn’t matter who passed the most tests, it should be all about who makes the best moves out in the field. i’m sure there are agents who got nothing but perfect marks and still ended up failing out there in the wild.” he leaned further back in the chair, trying to keep his balance so he wouldn’t end up falling back. “if all fictional spies did was study, that’d make for a very boring series of movies.”

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callum.

callum raises an eyebrow over at the loud voice in the otherwise quiet and peaceful library , but doesn’t lift his head from where it’d previously been buried in a book , finger on the page marking where he left off . a little smirk slowly tugs at the corner of his lips upwards , and he has to clear his throat to mask the laughter threatening to escape . he remembered the stress of studying and tests , but this was just ridiculous , especially in a library . he waits a moment , watching the man-child flip his papers off , and then he shuts his book , making a mental note of the page number , and walks calmly over to the table gray was sat at .

‘ ya know , if you really studied , the test wouldn’t be so hard — ’ he smiles at him , sympathetic with a hint of amusement , and leans forward , arms crossed on the table in front of him . ‘ — and james bond definitely had to study . you really think all those skills just came naturally to ‘im ? ’

“the thing is, i was really studying... and, i just don’t think i’m meant for that kind of life,” he huffs loudly, gathering the papers that had been scattered all across the floor. he looks up at the man who had struck up conversation, raising his eyebrow subtly. “are you sure james bond had to study? because there’s not a movie where sean connery was in an academy working his way through a test,” he sounds like a toddler throwing a tantrum, trying to give a reason for their outburst. “look, i get it, not all spy stuff can be like in the movies, but do i really need to learn all of this stuff?” he asks, curiosity lighting his voice. “you’re a field agent, right? do you ever use any of this stuff?”

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maya.

“Yes, Gray, any job. If my accountant makes a mistake, he, too, can accidentally be responsible for someone’s death,” she said, emphasizing her sarcasm with a shrug. “You know this isn’t summer camp, right? You don’t just stroll in, pick your daily activities, and call it a night.”

The ambivalence he was feigning was getting annoying to Maya; she hadn’t been around folks much younger than her for some time, and the empty ‘too cool’ attitudes seemed to triple whenever she was around people under 30. Whether he thought he was above it or was pretending he was nonchalant about being a spy, she knew someone else would love to be in his position, and would do whatever it took to be there.

“accountants responsible for deaths, doesn’t that sound just a bit dramatic to you?” he looked at her with disbelief, crossing his arms defiantly. “the thing is, ma’am,” he huffed, stressing the last of his words, “i don’t make mistakes. i just don’t act like a try-hard. most of the other cadets are stuck so far up their own asses they don’t care about anything other than the uea. at least i have other interests, and goals outside of the academy,” he rolled his eyes, not caring too much for the academy nor her authority. something about teachers had always bothered gray, no matter how old he got. “so, no, i don’t think this is summer camp. but, i also don’t think that it’s as serious and important as everyone else makes it out to be.”

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caroline.

caroline was sitting at another table, not far from his, doing her own work for the classes when she heard his words. she looked at the librarian, knowing that the woman’s head will most likely explode if gray kept up his attitude. on the other hand, the brunette was definitely amused. his outburst was a welome distraction from all the writing she did so far. she grabbed her things and walked over to his table, sitting down. “hi.” she chuckled, looking around. “you know, it’s pretty cute that you think you’re just as good as james bond.” she teased playfully. she definitely wasn’t saying it to be mean.

he shot a charming wink at the librarian, sitting back down at his table calmly, watching at caroline made her way over. he smiled up at her, a laugh making its way past his lips. “hey there,” he greeted back, closing his test booklet to keep it out of his thoughts for a moment. “i’m not just ‘as good’ as mr. bond,” he raised his eyebrows, a mischievous beam on his lips. “i’m ten times better... i bet i can steal the librarian’s purse without her even noticing,” he whispered, leaning closer to caroline. “do you think you’d be able to do that?”

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caoimhe.

“of course, james bond had to study,” caoimhe comments idly once she assumes his tantrum is over, irish accented voice drifting quietly from her table to his. her demeanor is calm, reserved and detached as per usual; she’s seen worse and more dramatic things in her time at the academy, though she holds a special dislike for people who don’t care for the opportunities offered to them. “everyone has to study. no one is perfect without effort and acting like that will only keep you further away from being worth anyone’s time and attention. go home if you’re not willing to put in the effort.”

“they never showed him sitting and taking tests in any of the movies... he was a born badass, just like me. i don’t need a fucking booklet of questions asking me about laws and conduct,” he huffs, tossing his practice exam in the nearest garbage can like he would aim a basketball. when he makes it in, he throws an excited fist in the air. “see, i don’t need school to teach me shit like that... it’s pure skill, not something that can be transferred to me by one of the instructors,” he continues to complain, scooting his chair closer to caoimhe’s table. “see, i don’t want to go home, though... i kinda have to get through the boring part if i want to get to the james bond part,” that’s not entirely true, the only reason he really sticks around is to please his parents. “plus, what would you do without me here? wouldn’t the academy be lost without me around?” he bats his eyelashes towards her, looking even more childish than before.

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maya.

“If you’re not up for a challenge, and you’re here, you may as well be incompetent,” Maya said, not realizing how harsh her words were until they were out. 

With an apologetic sigh, she closed the purse slung across her chest. “What’s your name, cadet?”

“i mean, it’s like any job, right? as long as you’re good enough, and if you don’t fuck up too badly... sorry, i meant mess up too badly, then you should be fine,” this nonchalance could get gray killed one day, but he wasn’t aware of this himself. it was genuinely  how he felt. he scratched at his temple when she asked for his name, unsure if he should give her his legal name, or the one everyone called him by anyways. “my name is gray, ma’am. but, my ‘spy’ name is agent hypno,” he shrugged, keeping his uncaring facade up.

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gray bites his lip, tapping his pencil in the rhythm of all kinds of beats. he is trying to study, maybe for the first time since he’s been in the academy, but he can’t seem to focus. his eyes keep shifting from the paper to the surrounding students, and the practice test in front of him is full of ghostly erase marks from answers’ past. he slams his pencil down, looking around at the library full of people, “fuck school. FUCK this test. i’m sure james bond never had to study.” he can see the librarian agape in the corner of his eye, and that’s satisfying enough to keep going. “this test can suck my big fat-” he’s shushed by the angered librarian before he can continue to show off and act like a child - especially one who is currently flipping the bird towards his papers.