Sassy Satan and the Fire-Breathing Bone Horse
The greatest love story ever told is not about a shy nerdy girl falling in love with a reckless bad boy with a heart of gold, or when two teens have a forbidden romance and die for each other because they can't be together. The greatest love story is between a concerned father named Frank and a boy with too much sass for everyone else to handle.
On that morning, Rafael woke up to the strangest thing. Ruby was humming while baking cookies that surprisingly didn't have any human flesh in them, Sam and Odessa were planting flowers in the graveyard behind the house and Ainsley didn't have her head stuck in her sketchbook drawing some weird monster they captured last week. Raf walked downstairs to investigate but before he could even take a step, Ruby practically tackles him and drags him to the living room. Confused, Rafael asks "What's going on? Why is Ruby being all jumpy and happy? And why is everyone being so weird?" No one answers.
As Raf stumbles onto the couch, everyone turns their attention to Ruby. "Happy day Gang, my Dads are coming into town and they have a big announcement. They will be here any minute," Ruby said turning to the foyer as if her parents were just going to magically appear. "AHEM, I SAID THEY WILL BE HERE ANY MINUTE," Ruby shouted like she was signaling for someone to come out. At that moment the floor began to separate as a giant puff of pink glittery smoke emerged from the ground as a black and red elevator rose from the Underworld. The elevator had a bronze plaque above the door that read "Hellevator", on the top of the Hellevator it had two little devil horns and makeup lights along the frame of said elevator. "They're here!" Sam and Ruby giggled, Rafael's eyes widened. He was speechless.
As the smoke cleared, Rafael read the writing above the door "What is a Hellevator?" Odessa asked, "An elevator from Hell." Ruby replied. Two men step out of the mysterious Hellevator. One was familiar, he was in a few pictures on the mantle of the fireplace with Ruby. But the other man looked inhuman, his skin was had an unnatural pink hue and he had horns and a tail. For no reason at all the man with the horns was wearing a bright red suit and a sparkly magenta feather boa. "Hey Sweetie," said the man with horns, "Hello other people living in my daughter's home." The two men walked out of the foyer to the living room as the Hellevator sank back down to Hell. As everyone settled in the living room, Ruby began introducing everyone "Okay, Rafael is the person asking all the questions. The girl with the notebook in her face is Ainsley. Odessa is our sweet little moral compass, and finally, Sam is the chick with the bag on her head." The Gang greeted Ruby's parents. "Hi, I'm Frank Jones, Ruby's biological father, an- “the man with the horns interrupted "And you could have guessed, I'm Sassy Satan."
Still, with so many questions, Ainsley was the only one out of the confused bunch to utter a sound, "Wait, why SASSY Satan?"
"Wait, out of all the questions you could've asked, why did you ask that one?" Odessa wondered.
"Settle down children, all of your inquiries will be resolved in due time." Sassy Satan remarked.
After most of their questions were answered, one still lingered in the air. What was Frank and Sassy Satan's big announcement? "We came here today to tell you all that we're getting married!" Frank proclaimed, "Finally! Oh, my goodness, it has taken you two 14 years to tie the knot." Ruby said the group turned to the couple even more confused than before. This had to be some weird collective fever dream that Rafael, Odessa, and Ainsley were having, but at the same time, it was somehow believable (mostly because she was a second-generation serial killer that fights ghosts). "Yes, I met Sassy Satan when Rub's was five," Frank said, "Ooh, Dad tell them how you and Pops met!"
"Well, it all began with a letter to Santa..."
Fourteen years ago, when our lovable psychopath was only a toddler, her father asked her a simple question that was going to change everything. "So, Rube's what do you want for Christmas?" Frank asked, "It's a secret. I can only tell Santa." Ruby said. "You should write him a letter, and you should do it soon. Christmas is only a week away." The five-year-old nodded in agreement. She ran to her room in excitement, so she could keep her Christmas wish a secret. But little did Ruby know that she tragically misspelled the name "Santa". When she was done, she told Frank and they headed to the post office to drop it off. After they mailed the letter, they went out to get ice cream. While doing so, Frank asked Ruby, "So, what do you want for Christmas?"
"I asked Santa for a pony!" Ruby replied, not knowing the events that would happen because of that fateful letter.
On Christmas Eve, Ruby and Frank were setting up in anticipation of Old Saint Nick. Frank pulled some freshly baked sugar cookies out of the oven. When they cooled, he and Ruby each ate one and then put three on a plate next to a cold glass of strawberry milk. Frank read Ruby "The Night Before Christmas" like they did every Christmas. He sent her to bed and then soon followed. That night Ruby was too excited to sleep. At 12:00 a.m. she got out of bed, she decided to have a stakeout on the couch. When she got to the living room, she saw a large, dark figure crouching in front of the Christmas tree. She approached the dark figure slowly and tapped his shoulder. He turned around in shock, "I wasn't expecting you," Sassy Satan chuckled nervously, "Are you Santa?"
"No no, child, I'm much worse..."
When Frank woke up on Christmas morning, he had a sick feeling in his stomach. He knew something was wrong when Ruby didn't wake him up screaming "It's Christmas". He checked Ruby's room at the slight chance that he woke up before her, but just like he thought, no dice. In a bit of a frenzy, he checked the living room, but he wasn't expecting what he found next. He darted into the living room but stopped dead in his tracks. His Christmas tree was burnt to a crisp and right next to it was a horse that was made of bones. Frank could not believe his eyes, a horse made from bones that could breathe fire. His mind was racing at what would kidnap his daughter and leave a demonic horse that could potentially kill him. Was it angry loved one of his many victims? Was it a witch, or an alien? While pacing around the living room he noticed a note on one of the horse's ribs. It read:
While I was delivering the horse to your daughter, Ruby, she woke up and we started talking. Turns out she is so adorable that I just had to keep her. So, long story short I am kidnapping your daughter, adopting her and raising her as my own. Enjoy the horse!
Fed-up with everything, Frank moves his dining room table and chairs. He got a bloody drop cloth and a paintbrush from his linen closet and went down to his basement. While down there, he pulls a small handle in one of the corners in the basement. A huge curtain opened reveling about 15 paint cans, all labeled ‘Totally Not Virgin Blood’. He picked one up from the floor and went back upstairs. He spread the drop cloth out on the floor and opened the paint can. Frank dipped the paintbrush in the "paint" and made a circle. And within that circle, he made a star. Frank began to pour gasoline along the outer rim of the pentagram. When Frank completed the circle, he took a match and lit the pentagram on fire. As the fire consumed the pentagram an elevator rose from beneath the ground and a gap in the ring of fire appeared, so Frank could enter the elevator.
During Frank's elevator ride to Hell, he began to think about some scenarios that could potentially happen. He expected one of two things to happen 1) He would be tricked into spending eternity in Hell, or 2) He would have to fight a bunch of demons and the must fight Satan to get his daughter back. But as the elevator doors open, he finds the last thing he would expect. At a little plastic table, he spotted Sassy Satan, wearing a feather boa and serving fake tea to Ruby. They were having a tea party. At this point, Frank was just done with everything. Ruby soon noticed Frank walking up to the table and ran up to him and gave him a hug. Then she pulled him over to Sassy Satan, "Daddy, meet my new friend," she squealed "Hello Frank," Sassy Satan said as he stood up. "Can I have my kid back, please?"
"Only if I can have your number,"
"And that is the story of how we met," Frank added
"Whoa, Sassy Satan is very suave with the ladies," Rafael said surprised, "I really am," he replied. The rest of the group was almost brought to tears by the beautiful story. For the rest of the day, the Gang and Ruby's parents were talking about wedding plans and when that Gang was going to have their next visit to Hell.
They all lived happily ever after.
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