I’ve posted a lot about how it’s okay to put yourself first. It’s okay to have boundaries. It’s okay to say no, even when someone is disappointed by that.
And I stand by all of that.
But I also want to talk about the middle ground, because especially with BPD and our tendency towards black-and-white thinking, I think sometimes we can take good advice and turn it into an absolute.
“You’re allowed to put yourself first” doesn’t have to become “I should always put myself first.”
“You’re allowed to say no” doesn’t mean you should never choose to say yes even when saying yes costs you something.
“You don’t have to sacrifice yourself for other people” doesn’t mean healthy relationships never involve sacrifice.
Sometimes we inconvenience ourselves for people we love. Sometimes we take on a little extra emotional labour. Sometimes we give more because the other person doesn’t have much to give right now. Sometimes we do something we really don’t feel like doing because it matters to someone we care about.
The important distinction is that this shouldn’t always be one-sided. You shouldn’t have to constantly abandon your own needs to keep a relationship. You are still allowed to have limits. You are still allowed to say, “I can’t do that today.”
But there is a lot of space between sacrificing yourself for someone and never sacrificing anything for them.
And there’s another side to this that I think is just as important: sometimes the people who love you will inconvenience themselves for you.
Sometimes supporting you will take effort. Sometimes you’ll need more than you can give back. Sometimes someone will rearrange their plans, listen when they’re tired, pick up some of your slack, or do something they wouldn’t otherwise choose to do because you need them.
That doesn’t automatically mean you’ve done something wrong.
Healthy relationships aren’t built by two people making sure they never cost each other anything. They’re built by people caring for each other while still being allowed to have boundaries.
Sometimes love is inconvenient.
Sometimes you’ll be the one inconvenienced. Sometimes you’ll be doing the inconveniencing.
The goal isn’t to never inconvenience ourselves for others. It’s to be able to choose when we do.
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