Borderline Reminders

Hi! I’m April. You’ll find me on my personal (aprilthebiqueen) or my trauma blog (traumasurvivors) a lot. This blog is about my own personal experience and the things I struggle with. I have BPD but that doesn’t mean these reminders only work for BPD and it doesn’t mean my posts are saying that everyone with BPD has these struggles. I’m okay with you reblogging them as relatable if you don’t have BPD because I know a lot apply to other disorders or mental illnesses as well or even just in general.

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I am currently writing a book about BPD! You can find my blog for it here @borderlineremindersbook

Hi, I’m April!

32, Canada

Diagnosed with BPD, ADHD, autism, cPTSD, bipolar disorder, and a couple of physical disabilities. My blog posts come from this lens.

Married + proud dog mom to my Tosa, Kumi

Tags I use so you can filter them out if you want are: 'april answers' for asks, 'allaboutapril' for personal posts and 'april's poetry' for poetry.

About My Approach to Asks I try to answer even difficult or hurtful asks with compassion because that’s the tone I want for this blog. I assume good faith, knowing that if an ask wasn’t in good faith, responding kindly still denies them the reaction they were hoping for.

If an ask genuinely upsets me, I block and delete it. I only respond to the ones I feel safe answering. So if you see me reply to something that seems harsh, know that I’m okay and I’m choosing to handle it this way intentionally.

Resources & Support:

My trauma + BPD website: [Click here] (direct to BPD hub)

Optional support (a couple people have asked): [Ko-fi link] | [My Fidget Toy Business] (never expected, always appreciated!)

I’m not a professional. Just someone sharing peer support and personal experience. Please take what helps and leave the rest.

I don’t answer “Do I have BPD?” questions, but you’re welcome to use any of the resources here no matter where you are in your journey, or whether you have BPD or not.

Advice and validation are welcome via asks, but I can’t respond to everyone. Sometimes I clear out my inbox when it starts feeling like too much. It’s not personal. It's just how I protect my energy so I can keep this space going.

Find Me Elsewhere

BPD Instagram: [Here]

BPD Facebook: [Here]

Trauma Tumblr Blog: @traumasurvivors

Fidget Toy Business Blog: @flappyhappystim

Disability Reminders Blog: @disabilityreminders

General Positivity Blog: @somepositivity

Cute Animals: @nothingbutadorableanimals

Activities & Coping Tools: @traumasurvivorsactivities

Awards: @youdeserveanaward

Personal Blog: @aprilthebiqueen

Link to some of the FAQ I get asked.

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One of the quieter fears I don’t see talked about enough is how invalidating it can feel to be doing better.

When you live with BPD, your symptoms often feel like proof. Proof that something is wrong. Proof that you were hurt. Proof that your emotions make sense in context. When the feelings are intense, it’s easier to believe your pain is real.

And then maybe things start to stabilize. Maybe you regulate more. You cope better.

And suddenly your brain goes, Was I exaggerating? Was I ever really struggling? Was it all fake?

Struggling can feel validating and stability can feel suspicious.

But symptoms aren’t the measure of whether your pain was real. You don’t lose legitimacy just because you’re learning how to cope. Getting better doesn’t erase the fact that you needed to get better in the first place. And it doesn’t mean things are magically easy.

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People keep bringing up the (“I love pancakes!”“Oh, you hate waffles?”) metaphor for how people take my posts and it feels dead on honestly…

I find for me generic “oh, you’re valid” posts don’t work for me. They work more if they are specific like “to those with BPD, if you do -, you’re valid”. It feels like it’s more to me and more believable. Which often means I try to write my posts more specifically.

I get this on my trauma blog too when I say “you’re valid if you didn’t report” or something then there’s always someone saying “oh, so reporting means someone isn’t valid?”

Someone speaking about the struggles of one group does not mean they’re saying other groups don’t struggle.

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You know other disorders struggle and not just BPD right? your whole accountability post and how hard BPD recovery is… it’s not just BPD that’s hard

Of course other disorders struggle too. Recovery and mental illness in general can be really hard.

My blog is specifically focused on BPD though, so I tend to talk about things through that lens because I want people with BPD to feel understood and less alone in experiences that are often heavily stigmatized.

It doesn’t mean I don’t care about others or that it doesn’t apply to them too. Talking about BPD struggles isn’t me saying other disorders don’t struggle too.

While some of my posts say BPD specifically, a lot of my posts don’t and I’ve had a lot of people tell me they don’t have BPD but find my blog helpful anyways and I think that’s great.

I’m sorry you feel excluded but talking specifically about one group of people doesn’t mean I think no one else matters.

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I think one of the hardest things about recovery with BPD is that the healthier you get, the higher your expectations for yourself often become.

And somewhere along the way I think a lot of us stop noticing how much we’ve actually improved because the goalpost quietly keeps moving.

I’ve seen so many people with BPD talk about themselves like they’re failing recovery while describing levels of self-awareness, accountability and emotional reflection they never had years ago.

Sometimes people with BPD become so aware of every emotional mistake we still make that we stop noticing the ways we’ve improved.

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Something I’ve been thinking about lately is that sometimes our feelings make complete sense even if our reaction didn’t. I think I've posted about this before, but I go back to things and I think they're important to talk about.

I think with BPD especially, people can end up hearing “your reaction wasn’t fair” and accidentally translate that into “you had no reason to feel that way.”

But those aren’t the same thing.

If a friend cancels plans and I feel hurt, disappointed, lonely or even abandoned, those feelings make sense. They came from somewhere.

That doesn’t automatically mean my friend hates me, doesn’t care about me or intended to hurt me. And it also doesn’t automatically mean lashing out would be fair.

I think recovery taught me that feelings deserve curiosity, not immediate obedience.

My feelings usually make sense. But they don’t always tell me what happened, and they don’t always tell me what action will help.

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Something I’ve noticed in BPD spaces is that a lot of us seem to struggle with the difference between accountability and self-condemnation.

When someone without BPD snaps at someone they love, I often see them go, “That wasn’t fair. I’ll apologize and do better next time.” And everyone moves on and assumes it was a bad day or moment. And we often hear "Oh, that's human to not be perfect."

But I see a lot of us with BPD have a moment and immediately spiral into, “Oh god. This proves I’m manipulative. This proves I’m toxic. This proves I’m my diagnosis.”

And obviously hurting people isn’t okay. Accountability matters. We should aim to not do that, but the reality is no one is perfect.

But I sometimes wonder if because so many of us have been told to watch ourselves so carefully, we end up expecting ourselves not just to improve but to never have moments at all. We expect ourselves to be perfect without ever slipping despite the fact people without BPD slip up all the time.

Recovery for me isn't about never making mistakes. It taught me to make them less, notice them earlier, repair more often and not turn every bad moment into proof I’m a bad person.

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I made a typo in the original oh my god. And it changed the whole sentence meaning. I meant despite the fact people withOUT BPD slip up all the time.

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I talk a lot about accountability with BPD because I think it matters.

But I think something that doesn’t get talked about enough is that people with BPD can sometimes become vulnerable to overcorrecting.

We spending years hearing things like: Check the facts. Don't trust every feeling. Take accountability. Make sure you're being fair to people in your life. (Yes, a lot of these things are said on this blog too. I know. That's why I'm making this post. Because I definitely don't want to make it seem like it's always on us. It's not.)

And hearing these things can make it really easy to assume everything is your disorder.

And that can become dangerous.

Because sometimes people with BPD get dismissed, manipulated or even abused specifically because we’ve already been taught to distrust ourselves.

Sometimes we stop asking “Did someone hurt me?” and start asking: “How did I cause this?”

Sometimes people weaponize our diagnosis against us.

Learning accountability should not mean learning to abandon yourself.

You are allowed to reflect on your reactions and still ask whether someone else’s behaviour deserves accountability too.

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Something I’ve noticed in BPD spaces is that a lot of us seem to struggle with the difference between accountability and self-condemnation.

When someone without BPD snaps at someone they love, I often see them go, “That wasn’t fair. I’ll apologize and do better next time.” And everyone moves on and assumes it was a bad day or moment. And we often hear "Oh, that's human to not be perfect."

But I see a lot of us with BPD have a moment and immediately spiral into, “Oh god. This proves I’m manipulative. This proves I’m toxic. This proves I’m my diagnosis.”

And obviously hurting people isn’t okay. Accountability matters. We should aim to not do that, but the reality is no one is perfect.

But I sometimes wonder if because so many of us have been told to watch ourselves so carefully, we end up expecting ourselves not just to improve but to never have moments at all. We expect ourselves to be perfect without ever slipping despite the fact people without BPD slip up all the time.

Recovery for me isn't about never making mistakes. It taught me to make them less, notice them earlier, repair more often and not turn every bad moment into proof I’m a bad person.

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Hi April! I just wanted to thank you for what you do. I was spiraling earlier today feeling like I was doomed to be evil forever and the only thing that helped was reading your advice on how you can take accountability and work on yourself. I've been worrying I'm inherently manipulative/attention seeking because I was told by an acquaintance I was getting to know that people with BPD can be manipulative (they know I have BPD and have had bad past experiences with them), and it made me feel extremely self-conscious about myself until I read your blog posts. Thank you and I hope you're having a good day!

Hi anon!

I find those of us with BPD are often pretty harsh on ourselves and can start treating every difficult behaviour or thought like proof we’re secretly a bad person.

You can absolutely take accountability and work on yourself without deciding you’re inherently manipulative or doomed.

I’ll also say that it is valid to need attention. Humans need attention, connection and care. Wanting those things doesn’t make someone manipulative.

For me it comes down more to how we respond to those needs and how we ask people to meet them.

Having BPD doesn’t make you evil. Having unhealthy behaviours doesn’t make you evil either. It means there are things to reflect on, take accountability for and work on. (Also, hey, a lot of people without BPD do unhealthy things too, but often aren't under as much scrutiny. I find having BPD makes people automatically more likely to blame my behaviour on BPD rather than 'oh, she's just having a bad day' which a lot of people do for those without BPD.) To clarify, I'm not saying you do have unhealthy behaviours and I don't mean to make any assumptions. I'm just talking about this while I'm on the topic.

The fact that you’re worried about this and actively trying tells me a lot more about your character than anything else.

I hope you’re gentle with yourself today.

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I think one of the biggest shifts in my recovery was realizing that discomfort doesn’t automatically mean someone did something wrong.

Sometimes discomfort means a boundary was set. Sometimes it means something touched an insecurity. Sometimes it means I’m grieving something. Sometimes it means I’m growing.

That doesn’t make the feeling less real or less deserving of care.

But learning to pause and ask myself “what is this feeling trying to tell me?” instead of immediately deciding someone else caused it has been one of the most helpful things I’ve learned.

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One of the hardest things I had to learn with BPD was that feelings being valid didn’t automatically mean my conclusions were accurate. Because I do always say ‘your feelings are valid’ but I want to be clear on the fact that it doesn’t mean they’re facts.

For a long time, if I felt abandoned, I assumed someone had abandoned me. If I felt unloved, I assumed someone had stopped loving me. My emotions felt so intense and so real that it felt impossible they could be pointing me in the wrong direction.

And sometimes the feeling itself makes complete sense based on what happened, but the conclusion I draw from it is more extreme than it needs to be. If a friend cancels plans, it makes sense to feel hurt or disappointed. That feeling is valid. But it doesn’t automatically mean they secretly hate me or that I’m being abandoned.

What recovery taught me wasn’t that my feelings weren’t real. It taught me that feelings are experiences, not always evidence.

Sometimes my emotions are telling me something important. Sometimes they’re touching old wounds. Sometimes they’re reacting to fear instead of reality.

Learning to slow down and get curious instead of immediately acting on them has probably changed my relationships more than anything else.

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My husband and I have been so stressed about finances and I’m going to be selling my homemade jams, and probably other things when we do our monthly sales at my dad’s work.

I’m mostly overwhelmed by ideas 😂

What do you typically buy at bake things, or what do you sell?

I do a lot of frozen pizza prep too where you partake the dough and then do toppings. They end up being really good but I don’t know if that sort of thing would sell. Kind of like the grocery store ones you just unwrap and throw in the oven?

I’m going to do my carrot cake jam but I was also thinking about blackberry lemon. I don’t know something is super appealing to me about that.

I also do homemade chocolate bars with cocoa butter so I will probably sell those too. I’d love ideas I can do the day before for fresh baking but also stuff like the chocolate bars and jams I can prep through the month. Our first sale is July 4.

Also I want to try and apple pie jam!

I prefer ideas that are less common because I feel like everyone has really good chocolate chip cookies and stuff and the pressure is real 😂

I’ve put together my costing sheet and ingredient sheets to list ingredients for customers.

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hi april,

i'm so grateful i found your blog, i've been newly diagnosed with bpd and it has been very scary. the past year i have had some pretty intense bpd rage episodes, and the past month it has been getting worse (like one episode a week.) my partner is so patient, loving, and supportive but i can tell he is burning out. i say a lot of really mean things when i'm in an episode and i don't know how to stop. it's like i have no control and this horrible monster takes over. if he raises his voice to try to tell me to calm down or pause, if he gets frustrated, if he has to take a moment and leave, all those things trigger me even more. i feel like i'm a manipulative person because lately it's like we can't even have "normal" disagreements without me having an episode, and i don't want him to feel like he can't express disagreement or conflict just bc he's worried of how i will react. i want to be better and i don't know how. sometimes i think leaving and isolating myself forever, or hurting myself will make everything better and i'm trying to fight those thoughts but it's so hard. please help :(

First of all, being newly diagnosed can be terrifying, and I think a lot of people with BPD know the feeling of suddenly realizing “oh god, this pattern has a name.” That awareness can feel overwhelming at first, but it can also become one of the biggest tools you have.

One of the things that helped me most was learning to separate myself from the disorder a little bit. Instead of immediately believing every intense thought or feeling, I started learning to pause and go:

“Okay, this might be a BPD trigger/thought/reaction.”

Not in a dismissive way. The feelings are still real. But it helped me stop treating every emotion as an emergency or absolute truth.

And honestly, the fact that you recognize this pattern and want to change it already matters. A lot.

I also want to say that having BPD does not make you evil or a monster. But it does mean you have to learn skills that help you stop causing harm during episodes, especially when the people around you are becoming burnt out.

One of the DBT skills that helps me the most during escalation is TIPP, especially the temperature part. Cold water, ice packs, holding ice, cold air, etc. It sounds simple, but physically shocking my nervous system helps interrupt that “I am completely consumed by emotion” feeling enough for me to regain some control and try a different skill or communication method. Or calm me enough to walk away to collect my thoughts.

I’ve even had it where naming the rage to my husband helps. I might say ‘I know it’s not fair but I’m feeling so much BPD rage right now and I’m struggling to cope with it’. For me, and everyone is different, if he hugs me tightly I’ll usually start crying and then I find it easier to talk things out. The anger is usually trying to protect me from feeling hurt but ironically it ends up holding me back from handling the hurt.

I’m sure you rationally know this but emotionally it can be hard. Your partner taking space, getting frustrated, or needing a pause does not mean abandonment. It means they are a human being hitting emotional limits too.

That doesn’t mean you’re hopeless. It means you need support, coping skills, accountability, and practice.

BPD can improve so much. It does take work though but it really, really is worth it. Truly. I know it feels impossible right now, but you are not doomed to stay this way forever.

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Okay, my latest update is that I’m really sorry this has taken so much longer than originally said.

Between real life issues, and trying to really nail down the editing, things have been delayed.

My husband has a week off in August, so I anticipate that’s when we will be publishing since he can help me edit. If not then, it will be earlier. We have been chipping away at it.

I’ve been going over and over this book and just can’t seem to get it ‘right’. The anxieties over whether it even says anything helpful and all that are really getting at me.

That said, if there’s interest I will continue posting chapters on this blog but the official book will likely be published in August or earlier.

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hello, i hope your having a good day!

would you happen to have some advice on how to communicate your hurt feelings to loved ones without overwhelming/hurting them?

Hello! This is something I’ve had to learn a lot about myself honestly.

I think one of the biggest things is realizing that communicating hurt does not have to mean communicating every emotion immediately at maximum intensity. When feelings are really big, it can help to slow down a little and figure out what you actually need from the conversation first. Sometimes it’s reassurance. Sometimes clarification. Sometimes accountability. Sometimes comfort.

Something that has helped me is using gentler “bridge” statements like:

“I know you probably didn’t mean to hurt me, but I’m feeling hurt/confused about what happened and I’d like to talk about it.”

Or something like:

“I know your intent would never be to hurt me, but when you said —— I felt ——“.

It helps me to remember that my loved ones, based on who I know them to be, wouldn’t want to hurt me and that if something did that it’s likely unintentional and just landed wrong. It helps me word things in a gentler way.

Of course, this isn’t the same for everyone. Sometimes people do lash out and mean to hurt you in a moment of hurt or reaction. In that case, you might word it more in a way where I’m emphasizing I care and want a relationship with that person but I’m feeling hurt and confused and want to work through what happened.

Healthy loved ones usually do want to know when they’ve hurt you. Communicating hurt is not automatically burdening people. The goal is not to never have emotional needs. It’s learning how to express them in ways that create understanding instead of escalation.

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You should not need people to cross their boundaries in order to prove they love you.

This was something I actually had to unlearn myself because of the way I was raised and the relationship dynamics I grew up around. I was taught that love meant ignoring your own discomfort, needs, and boundaries for other people. That proving your love meant sacrificing parts of yourself, even when something hurt you or made you uncomfortable. So for a long time, I thought that was normal. I thought love was supposed to mean putting someone else above your own limits, and I sometimes looked for that same “proof” from other people too.

But healthy love is not built on people abandoning themselves for each other.