Why do I have this pain? What is really the root of my insecurity. Endless questions, bouncing into infinity. âWhy didnât I do it right then?â  When I had the opportunity... I was stagnant and am still peeling off these layers of mossy debris. I feel as if I am being lead into a battle that was lost  decades ago. âFreedomâ, just letters strung together between faded memories and egotistical counterpoint. âWhat are any of us trying to prove?â  I realize now that this is just the game. It is within yourself. You can choose how to play; win or lose, itâs all leading towards the inevitable. You can lean forcefully upon a crutch if you choose so. One so rigid itâs the only thing holding your spine upright. Some continue to question. Some play into the varying distractions that can consume generations of thought. At this point Iâd like to think Iâve evolved beyond that thought but thatâs nothing more than the ego , another ungraspable concept no one has time for.  âWhere does this pain coming from?â, âWhere is my happiness?â Itâs a disease. Itâs your attitude; family, friends, town, country, church, job. Itâs obvious who the real âdevilâ is. His claws are grasping your neck with every brooding breath.  Be motivated enough to ignite that tiny spark of consciousness. A mindset that could truly light the candles of a thousand dreamers. As difficult as this is, together we can move forward. We are not alone. Keep your eyes and ears open as there are constant reminders along the way to remind you of that flicker. Everything that is, was. All we have is time. Allow yourself to dream. Let those dreams become actions. May these actions guide your life gently to its ultimate resting place. Live for the fear of the moments that never were. You have to be active. You mustn't seek the light but become aware of its perpetual glow. The signs are literally all around us! A billboard, a truck, a smile, a grimace. Connect the dots within your mind and you will see god directly in front of you. Iâve known for years now; the interlocking, gracefully woven fabric, in which we are delicately strung. For a common man such as my self  this realization was quite enthralling as well as frightening. I would spiral into a well of oblivion amongst valleys of bliss. I began to run towards the river and when the water became visible the fear of drowning became real and scared me away sheepishly. I have settled down a bit, after such an extensive journey. Now I fear others are in danger and I havenât the stomach for more excitement. So I am treading very gingerly , to my own personal detriment. Every man needs to be reminded once in a while. This tale is not mine alone , however I find it painstakingly difficult to find common ground with ânormalâ folk. Meaning the ones who seem to float or just devoutly know that they are the ones in control. I find these people to be the most difficult to connect with on an emotional level, a category I tend to fall so perfectly into. Everyone and everything are on an unfolding spiritual quest with no pause button, whether they are oblivious or not. So push forward slow and steadily, inch by inch, in the right direction. Find the courage to move closer towards your heart, and ask for help if you need it. Hurry, before you are on the outside looking upon a story untold. I just canât sit still. Waiting patiently and in vain for my electrical system to hibernate. I try to breathe.I struggle with all the wrong decisions Iâve made. The thoughts cascade endlessly as I fidgit. Calm. Stay calm! No one is lurking behind you with a knife. My scattered thoughts bounce violently like the theme to a slasher film on premium cable. Sometimes, actually far too often I need to be distracted from my own curious ponderings. Thereâs nothing to really struggle with. No urging necessity that needs to be addressed. I think more of the past than the future, because it seems so far out of the realm of possibility. Itâs not. âAm I lazy?â Iâm obviously scared. Scared of running out of excuses and time. To pull the metaphorical trigger and expose a new blasted life. One hopefully filled with love and purpose. If I just had one âshot,â one lending hand, one flash of greatness in my reflection. I need to become the ringleader of the circus in my head. âStep right up! Come and see the tattered remnants of middle-class suburbia, be amazed as the dreams of our fathers disappear in the blink of an eye!â I canât tame this lion. So I sit around with my hands in my pockets questioning why I canât just perform the tightrope walk with a net? Just some cushion, something to fall back on. Who will pay for me to ride the elephant? (They wonât be around forever. I have to succeed. Learn to become a man. Live up to the expectations I thought I never wanted to fulfill. Iâm stuck in a maze of blame and excuses.) Life, itâll be over soon enough so change your attitude. Tame the dragon. Perched in your cannon, shoot directly for the stars and fall flat on your face if you need to. Bullseye! Try, just this once and do it for the right reasons. Do it for your own well being, your happiness, your one shot at glory. You may be shocked at how beautiful this mystery turns out in the end. Start by opening the book. Written sometime in 2013 or 2015
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