Voicemail: I heard a song on the radio that reminded me of you. Don't know the name. But it made me miss your eyes... and your hands. You remember when you got drunk at that party and I got my face smashed in by that asshole? I was thinkin' about that too, and thinkin' about how I'd like to get my nose broken if I could be your date to another party, just one more time. Shit, it's like 2AM and you're asleep and you'll probably check this later and... fuck, ignore this. I'm an idiot.
Bzzzzzz. Gretchen groggily turned her head towards the phone on her nightstand, having completely ignored the initial buzzing that signified a call coming through, finally gaining interest when the most recent buzz signaled a voicemail was left by the unknown caller. Not bothering to move herself from her comfortable position on her stomach, she reached for the phone and winced as soon as the screen lit up the darkness that was her bedroom. It took only a couple of seconds for her eyes to adjust and clearly be able to read the words that now lay stagnant across her screen. One missed call & One voicemail from Trenton Lawrence. It took a little longer for Gretchen to register what she was actually reading and once it clicked in her brain, she pushed herself up so that she was sitting on her knees with the phone held out in front of her with slight shock. A piece of her regretted not answering as soon as she heard the buzzing, but another part of her knew it was probably for the best.
Looking to see what time it was, her digital clock read 4:14 in the morning, which meant it was about 2 over in New Mexico. Maybe he was out partying with some friends and had too much to drink. That tended to be what they did. They played phone tag with each other, and eventually it would catch up with them and they wouldn’t know what to do about it, but for now their little game was safe. It had been like this for the past year now, ever since Gretchen finally moved away. She’d done her freshman year of college at WNMU, the only school that would accept her after the catastrophe she’d caused for herself towards the end of her senior year. Then sophomore year rolled around and she had applied for a better school which she was accepted to and excelled at. Then finally, junior year came and Gretchen took a chance. She applied to Harvard. It was the best thing she could do since she was pre-med working on a degree in bio-engineering, her minor in psychology. It was more a shot in the dark since she was sure they wouldn’t want a transfer with the history she had, but apparently she was wrong. The personal essay she had written about her life seemed to speak to someone important over there and she got in. She actually could pursue the life she wanted and the life her parents still dreamed of for her. But getting in to Harvard meant moving away. Far away.
The relationship that Trent and Gretchen had was always a complicated one, even since the beginning. They tended to go back and forth on whether or not they were right for each other, but somehow they always found themselves calling the other up for a late-night meetup. It wasn’t even about being physical, it was just about being with him, being comforted by his presence and knowing that he would always be there for her in some way. That is, until she chose to now live almost 2,500 miles away from him. The majority of her life had been spent in Los Angeles, but Silver City had become her true home in the six years she had lived there. Who knew what waited for her out in Cambridge, if she would ever find the same kind of people she grew to love and care for like she did back in New Mexico. But she had to do it, she had to try. Which meant leaving people behind. Leaving Trent behind.
She couldn’t remember who had called first, probably her since her first month at school was terrifying with so many intelligent people who already knew each other and had formed their own cliques two years previous to her arrival. She’d probably left a blubbering voicemail about how she’d made a mistake and that she didn’t belong there. The voicemail he left in return was the first thing to make her smile since she’d got there. They weren’t together, they knew the distance would be impossible and their relationship was always rocky at best, but neither one could really ever let go of each other. Ever since then, the two of them had just had a string of bad luck. Even winter break managed to keep them apart as Gretchen realized she didn’t have the funds to fly home and then back once the semester started up again. The next time she’d see him in person would be at the beginning of the summer. Nine whole months. So much could happen in just a fraction of that time, she wasn’t even sure she’d be going home to the same person, or if she herself would be the same person. Still, she always had her voicemails.
As the school year went on, the voicemails started coming farther and farther in-between. Gretchen had finally started getting in to the swing of things and had found a group of friends she felt she could be herself with. She ended up going out more, worrying less about whether or not people would judge her for her past, and enjoying her freedom to do and be whatever she wanted. Once her 21st birthday rolled around, she even found herself accepting drinks from guys at bars. Eventually they turned into dances out on the dance floor, maybe a quick makeout session outside of the club, and even one or two of them actually managed to make it in-between the sheets with her. This was her chance to experiment with every aspect of who she thought she was, and who she wanted to be. And yet, that night of her 21st birthday she found herself dialing the number she had now memorized and leaving a half assed and mumbled message about how she was an even bigger and badder version of herself than when she had turned 18. Adult Stage Level 2 is what she had called it. And after every guy she hooked up with, she couldn’t help but feel a nagging in her gut that it was wrong. They weren’t the ones she should be with. They weren’t the ones she cared about. But her and Trent weren’t together. Not really. Even though he was the one she kept going back to, he was out of the picture while she was so far away.
Hovering her thumb over the screen, she finally swiped on the notification and punched in her password to unlock the phone. Clicking the play button, she held the phone up to her ear and silently listened to the newest message he had left. She smiled as soon as she heard his voice, a reaction she always had no matter what mood she’d been in previously. She wondered what song it was he’d been listening to, where he was when he’d heard it, and who he’d been with as it played. Was he out with friends? People from school? Girls? Her stomach twisted as she thought of him going out with other girls, probably pretty leggy girls with hair that fell perfectly even if they just came from a joy ride in a convertible. But that didn’t matter, she had no claim to him and she herself had been on at least three different dates set up by friends who wanted her to move on, though nothing had ever come of it. A laugh escaped her when he mentioned the party they had gone to so long ago, the one that had just been the start of her downward spiral. It all seemed so ridiculous now that she could look at it from a distance. Still, it was one of the defining moments of her life that lead her to where she was this very moment.
The moment the message ended she quickly hit play a second time and closed her eyes just to hear the sound of his voice again. If she called him back right now chances were that she would catch him. Maybe they could have a long overdue chat that actually had a back and forth and wasn’t limited to a beep that might cut you off. But something held her back. What good would it do them? Perhaps this weird back and forth was what was actually keeping their relationship alive. Maybe if they had actually tried that long distance thing, they would’ve ended it months ago. At least this way she still got to pretend there was a chance for them once she came back. And then they would have the whole summer to go back to the beautifully tragic romance they were both addicted to. Sighing, she placed her phone back onto her nightstand and settled herself back on to her stomach. Before closing her eyes, she brought her wrist to her lips and gave a small kiss to the infinity sign that was attached to the bracelet she hadn’t taken off since she got it a couple years ago. I hope you know that I will love you for infinity. Finally closing her eyes, she hugged another pillow to her side and whispered a sigh to the night. “And I will, too.”
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