Something about the anime “The summer hikaru died” comforts me. I don’t know why but to me I think it perfectly visualizes what it feels like to fall in love with a psychopath at a young age. To experience one when you’re not truly supposed to have knowledge of such dark mindsets as a child.
It very much resembles the struggles of emotional torment when falling in love with someone that is fully capable of killing you without any remorse or guilt. It’s a very dark experience to go through as a child but somehow this anime perfectly describes everything for me.
It gives the same feeling inside of being spotted by a predator. Something that hungers for you in a very dark manipulative and calculated way. It visualizes moments when the mask slips and you can feel the void of their aura when they are analyzing and studying your every movement, every breath, every heartbeat. Every small moment of thought he would watch me when I was younger. When the mask slipped it was always an ominous feeling but equally hypnotic.
And the small moments of human connection, feels otherworldly in a way, and truly moments that it felt like he would consume me. Touch was always something he clinged onto and something that I was hesitant of when it came to him because I was always intimidated by his presence or touch. Every touch was like I could lose myself within his mind. Like I would get sucked into the void. Like it would take hold of me and I would never be able to escape him if I allowed myself to get too close to him.
Although he always reassured me that he wasn’t going to kill me, it eased me around him. What always made me uneasy was when he would need affection from me, it felt predatory because he was actively hunting me in a way. Needing something from me to fill the void for him even if it was the smallest bit of physical touch it’s like he would communicate silently with me, always watching me, speaking to me through his eyes as he always stalked me at home. It was always difficult to decipher when and if he ever wanted to kill me because at times he would get frustrated of me not being submissive to him, and that’s what he wanted from me most. Complete control and obedience over me. He craved it more than love, he craved it more than affection. He told me that control and power was something he craved most of all especially over me, and getting inside of my head was something he would always crave to warp my mind. My perception of reality, he wanted me to live for him forever he once told me. In life and in death, he told me he wanted me to put my life in his hands and to be completely loyal towards him above everyone else in life. To own me entirely.
