So much of ASPD and psychopathy is not "fun".
I see much less of this than I thought I would in Tumblr ASPD spaces, but...
Physical boredom. It does not feel like you're bored mentally, it feels like your entire fucking being is boredom. It's understimulation to an extreme, and comes from lack of emotional substance in day-to-day life. Ever since I was a child, everything about interaction with the world was hooked onto the material and the physical.
Emotions that don't feel like they matter. We do feel emotions in spikes at points, but they fade very quick. This impairs emotional memory, too. Fucks up reflection. Good things feel like they last shorter. Oftentimes when a good thing ends, it feels like it sucks extra hard because it's so abrupt.
Inconsistency. The fact that emotional involvement is so fleeting often has us jumping into commitments because we feel like surely this time we're gonna engage long-term. And then it's gone. And we seem like liars, like we lied about how we care, or how much something interests us.
Irritation, so much irritation. When I'm "flatlining" it could very well be because of ambient anger. And when people approach me with anything, I just feel annoyed, further. I feel zero interest in them. I just want to do my thing and I'm irritated that I'm getting so little emotional feedback from literally anything I'm doing. This compounds irritation into a loop. And we stay in the loop of dissatisfaction. Of "eh". The understimulation + irritation feels like they should cancel out, but they do not.
Sleep problems. We're already understimulated so much, that going to sleep feels like we're committing to even less stimulation. So we stay up. Sometimes we're just not sleepy for seemingly a dozen hours past sleep time. Who knows what the fuck that is.
Trouble reacting to our own emotional/sensory cues. Sometimes this is the reason why we're not going to bed. We're tired but we ignore it for some reason. Some of us, including myself, will just hold piss for like 2 hours straight. Some of us ignore cold, hunger, pain, numbness in limbs that fell asleep from us sitting in the same position for hours.
Financial irresponsibility. We're not very risk-averse. We spend money on things that give us stimulation, some kind of distraction from the noisy void of engagement we live in. This causes us to blow through our savings quick. Not everyone, but me for sure.
Substance abuse. Over 80% of people with ASPD have substance abuse issues. I imagine it's stimulation-driven, and also an attempt to find external self-regulation. I heavily, heavily abused meth, heroin and ketamine intravenously prior to my psychosis. But mostly meth.
Externally intense. Internally boring.
