writing release

I like to write, I also like to share so I'm going to just dump writing here. punctuation will be poor sorry in advance.

[grief-driven-writer]

[grief-driven-writer]

Distance

Distance does make the heart grow fonder, for you. I blocked you everywhere so you made a new number.

“I wanted to let you go, but I miss your voice and you as a whole”

guess what I like that you need me 

I thought you didn’t

I don’t need me 

you call me nightly not wanting me to move on

you say I’m still yours

but are you still mine

No you definitely have multiple options

But my “personality” I supposedly your favorite

I’m so lucky

[grief-driven-writer]

Lost

I watch the snow gracefully fall to the ground

Did I fall that beautifully

Or did I sink like a rock into the sea

Now that your gone I’m supposed to feel free

Instead I sit here missing you endlessly

I like to replay the end

Feel the pain hit me in my chest

The pain is my only reminder left

My heart shattered on the ground

Similar to our promises that are nowhere to be found

[grief-driven-writer]

Us

I can’t do this, you love her. I understand why I talked to her not even 10 minutes and I get it, I hate that I get it. But she is conventionally attractive, I am attractive but in a way you have to look for it. She lives near you, I don’t. You’ve known her forever, I’m new. And finally you said if you were better you would want someone you could fuck daily, or in other words someone who lives near you, I don’t. When you said that I died a little, because I could tell that meant her. So why keep me around, because I can’t stop comparing myself and then crying. I’m dying, it’s not your fault you love her, and it’s not your fault I’m crying. but I can’t hear another word about her, and I don’t think you can stop talking about her. So let’s just stop, unless you need me please let me cry and find some kind of peace with myself because I can’t keep falling apart.

[grief-driven-writer]

Complicated

I can’t stop missing you

I feel a deep yearn For the happiness we once had

I used to believe “if you love two people chose the second one, because if you loved the first one, you wouldn’t have fallen for the second”

Now I know people are more complicated than this

Falling is easy the staying is harder

If I had argued to stay would you still want me

Or was it good that I just walked away

[grief-driven-writer]

Our goodbye finally came

No words were exchanged

A pitiful glance that says I love you

Your gaze says I love someone more than you

Now I am forced to face the reality that I have neglected

Friends have disappeared

Family is tired of hearing me cry

I hope I still know me

What makes me smile?

What do I like to do?

Who’s my Person now?

Should I still worry about you?

No

I’ll worry about me now

[grief-driven-writer]

Choices

You loved her

I could hear it when you said her name

Did you say mine that lovingly

You say you would choose me

But is that because you don’t have a choice

Did she not give you a choice

So it had to be me

“I love you both” and you silently add I love her more

Pills can only “save” you for so long

I hope that you chose her over the pills

She doesn’t stay through whatever like I do

I hope you love your choices

[grief-driven-writer]

Where do I go from here?

Finding a path the doesn’t only lead to you has become difficult

I keep thinking that this is a new direction

But your always there

With open arms

At first I ran to you thinking I was safe

Now when I see you it’s a question

Am I safe?

Do you still want me?

Do I still want you?

Will there every be a new path to take?

[grief-driven-writer]

Flame𝚜

𝙰𝚕𝚝𝚑𝚘𝚞𝚐𝚑 𝚘𝚞𝚛 𝚏𝚕𝚊𝚖𝚎 𝚑𝚊𝚜 𝚋𝚞𝚛𝚗𝚝 𝚘𝚞𝚝

𝙸 𝚜𝚝𝚒𝚕𝚕 𝚢𝚎𝚊𝚛𝚗 𝚏𝚘𝚛 𝚢𝚘𝚞𝚛 𝚋𝚞𝚛𝚗𝚜

𝚃𝚑𝚎 𝚊𝚕𝚕 𝚌𝚘𝚗𝚜𝚞𝚖𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚑𝚎𝚊𝚝 𝚘𝚏 𝚠𝚊𝚗𝚝

𝙱𝚞𝚝 𝙸 𝚔𝚗𝚘𝚠 𝚘𝚗𝚎 𝚍𝚊𝚢 𝚝𝚑𝚘𝚜𝚎 𝚏𝚕𝚊𝚖𝚎𝚜

𝚆𝚘𝚞𝚕𝚍 𝚔𝚒𝚕 𝚖𝚎



[grief-driven-writer]

Broken up

We broke up

You have no idea how mutual it was

My mom and therapist said we should

I ignored there chatter

Then you disappeared for a week

I felt more myself

I felt happy

No longer did I feel lonely

I found friends and family again

When you came back

I slipped away again

I felt empty and broken

Chanting I love you

Thinking if I say it enough

It will mean more to you

Our goodbyes now said

Our final candle blown out

There is peace in the darkness

I see a flicker of light

But it’s not our candle

It’s just in my mind



[grief-driven-writer]

Lust while I love

I fear the only love I will ever feel from you

Is the sexual lust you feel

There’s never an I love you

That doesn’t follow with a request

A constant chant

Can I see?

Let me see?

Don’t you love me?

With replies of my devotion

Always.

You can see whatever you want.

Of course I love you.

[grief-driven-writer]

Break me

When your gone I feel empty

Floating in an abyss of emotions

But never truly feeling anything

Broken but the pieces still touch

When your around you make me brake

in a much more real way

I feel you slowly pluck away

At my insecurities

Playing them like a viscous melody

I happily oblige singing along

To our depressing tune

While you destroy me

For all to see

[grief-driven-writer]

Why did we have to meet?

So I met a guy over discord and we talked. We clicked fast and he said he loses interest fast but, of course I always think I’m special, I always think the rule won’t apply to me for some dumb reason. Now I’m stuck feeling pathetic and this is the text that I sent to my friend about how I feel.

I want to ask if he still wants to call, but he’s being so short with me. He’s bored isn’t he ? He’s waiting until I block him, so he doesn’t have to do anything. I wish I hadn’t met him, he just made me actually feel something romantically I haven’t had a crush in ages not one with all the heart racing and excitement. I already made him sick of me I’m so dumb. Alex is so much prettier hell so is Izzy and you, he has so many options why would he even want me. Hell he added Zoe back last night, he’s already done with me isn’t he?

He also confessed his undying love for me while high and how much he liked me and the next day he said he’s interested in me but doesn’t love me or anything which is fine but i like him a lot I just feel naive

His personality is like split the pill mgk

I listened to the song daddy issues while writing this

[grief-driven-writer]

did you hate me ?

TW: mentions of abuse not in depth and body issues 

I had a crush on a guy from second to eighth grade we got along alright. We played a game called cat team versus dog team, girls were cats and boys were dogs. we were on opposite sides and I loved how funny he was and how we would taunt each other. Years passed and I still liked him but he liked a different girl and her and I were polar opposites so  I knew he didn’t like me. I was not the beauty standard beauty. I’m from guatemala and was adopted and put in a town full of white people so I stuck out in every way someone could, and when your young that sucks. Every guy liked the long haired blonde white girl while I sat there with my short black hair and tan skin, It really made me hate myself i still struggle sometimes. He would slowly start to point out things about me that I was already insecure about like how I had noticeable upper lip hair, or how I was “to chubby” and how he didn’t like girly girls which I was. when I hit sixth grade I had developed depression due to having few friends and a shit home life. He “liked” me that year, the year I was at my worst. Even when we were “dating” that year he still talked had a crush on the other girl and almost told me multiple times. skip to 8th grade he has had multiple girlfriend and we haven't dated since sixth grade. I had a crush on a boy so he slammed me up against a locker and said I shouldn’t but I know he met couldn’t he could have anyone else but I couldn’t. He ended up disappearing and was put into some boys house because he beat up his mom and girlfriend at the time. I feel like I never got closure and now I’m trying to sort it out with my therapist, will see how that go’s.

[grief-driven-writer]

carousel

TW:mentions abuse once 

I had been in love with this guy for 8 years. I asked him out on year 6 of loving him. He was in love with another girl, he had been since i’d known him. I didn’t car I just wanted to call him mine, it better he’s mine and wanting someone else.

We lasted 6 months, during those 6 months I followed him around. Worshiped the ground he walked on gave him anything he asked for. When we hit the 6 month mark my friend pointed out how bad it was for me, I didn’t care but she convinced me to break up with him. He quickly moved on, it wasn’t even 2 weeks later. I was chasing but every time I got near he disappeared, then he went jail for abusing his mom. Haven’t seen him since called before he went telling me he loved me. Thankfully I didn’t believe him.

this is actually happened to me but I heavily relate to the song carousel by melanie martinez

[grief-driven-writer]

Serotonin

I have been feeling better lately still lacking motivation for basic need for survival, but oh well. I recently listened to the song serotonin by girl in red and here are some of my favorite lyrics.

I get intrusive thought like cutting my hands off like jumping in front of a bus, like “How do I make this stop?”

When it feel like my therapist hate me 

stabilized with medicine But there’s no depth to these feelings

I hope people are doing well definitely listen to serotonin by girl in red 

[grief-driven-writer]

-I feel 2 much-

this is me just dropping some thoughts  while having a song in mind the song in question being “i feel 2 much” by black bear. I have sobbed to this song many times due to the stress of school work while trying to stay afloat with my depression.  a cou[le weeks ago my depression was so bad i could barely get out of bed and the lyrics “ Nothing but pain in the morning when i wake up” Just really resonates with me.