#controlling ex

[crmsnmth]

Still Water

They warned me about still water how it mirrors the sky while swallowing the light

You loved me like that quiet, reflective depths disguised as devotion

At first, I mistook your silence for peace Mistook your jealousy for gravity something that kept me close kept me safe from drifting too far from your shore

But still water does not move it does not sing against rocks or sparkle in rebellion it waits

And in the waiting, it gathers silted words unspoken blame the soft decay of apologies that never reach the surface

You called it love when you measured my laughter You called it care when you trimmed my edges to ft the outline of your fear

I shrank like a shoreline in drought

Every time I tried to ripple you stilled me with a look with a sigh with the heavy hand of “after all I’ve done”

So I learned to float quietly to swallow stones to mistake the ache in my lungs for oxygen

Still water reflects, yes but only what hovers above it Beneath, it keeps its cold

One night, I stepped in past my ankles past my knees until your silence filled my ears and my name sounded foreign

That was when I understood I was not drowning because I was weak

I was drowning because you never meant to let me swim

So I chose the river instead wild, loud unapologetically moving

Let it call me reckless let it bruise me on stones honest enough to show themselves

Still water may look like peace but I have felt its hands at my throat

And I would rather be carried by something that moves than be held by something that never does

[grief-driven-writer]

did you hate me ?

TW: mentions of abuse not in depth and body issues 

I had a crush on a guy from second to eighth grade we got along alright. We played a game called cat team versus dog team, girls were cats and boys were dogs. we were on opposite sides and I loved how funny he was and how we would taunt each other. Years passed and I still liked him but he liked a different girl and her and I were polar opposites so  I knew he didn’t like me. I was not the beauty standard beauty. I’m from guatemala and was adopted and put in a town full of white people so I stuck out in every way someone could, and when your young that sucks. Every guy liked the long haired blonde white girl while I sat there with my short black hair and tan skin, It really made me hate myself i still struggle sometimes. He would slowly start to point out things about me that I was already insecure about like how I had noticeable upper lip hair, or how I was “to chubby” and how he didn’t like girly girls which I was. when I hit sixth grade I had developed depression due to having few friends and a shit home life. He “liked” me that year, the year I was at my worst. Even when we were “dating” that year he still talked had a crush on the other girl and almost told me multiple times. skip to 8th grade he has had multiple girlfriend and we haven't dated since sixth grade. I had a crush on a boy so he slammed me up against a locker and said I shouldn’t but I know he met couldn’t he could have anyone else but I couldn’t. He ended up disappearing and was put into some boys house because he beat up his mom and girlfriend at the time. I feel like I never got closure and now I’m trying to sort it out with my therapist, will see how that go’s.

[rajahthemighty]

When I was with my ex apparently he blocked a bunch of people I used to follow. This whole time I was wondering where a few of them were. Fucking found out 😞

[anything-advice-blog]

Why does he care if he broke up with me but hates that I’m moving on?

Why does he does this?. It’s ok if he moves on and is in a relationship but its not ok for me to do it?. I’m not saying I let him get involved in my life but my question is why does he do this?.

 He has been dating a girl for three years they also plan to get married. However when a man tries to enter my life or tries to date me he doesn’t like it and goes and messes it up.

 I also went to his engagement party, he is a family friend and all, and while people were saying their congrats to him and kissing him on his cheek when I walked up to the stage he stood up for only me. He didn’t even stand up for his own mother.

 If it also helps he has anger issues like very bad anger issues and in the past has hit my ex boyfriend (Which resulted in, him sending my cousin to spy on our relationship and it ended). I was also the first girl he was intimate with.

 ***********************************************

Possessive men! This is not healthy. I believe it is a control issue. Unfortunately, in many cases, controlling men look at their women, past and present, as property they own. He cannot stand the idea that you can be happy without him. And, yes, even though he seeks happiness and may have found happiness with someone else. Being affected by this behavior, he’s getting what he wants. Your time, your thoughts, your worry, your attention. Stop! He’s not your problem anymore.

First and foremost is your safety. Do you think he will bring harm to you or someone you date? If so, you should consider a protection from abuse citation that you can file with your local police. You need to make sure you unfriend him from any social media so he doesn’t know your business, block his phone number, and change your email. Are you in the same circle of friends? Is that why you were at his engagement party? From now on, decline any potential interactions with him. If you think it is necessary due to his temper, prior to doing all this, tell him you are severing all ties so the two of you can move forward with your own lives in a healthy manner. Do not be alone with him when you tell him. As I said, I want you to keep safety first. He may laugh or try to make you feel small but don’t feel badly. You know he is the one that has irrational thinking.

It is time for you to move on. Enjoy being single and enjoy your next relationship. When you feel close enough to your next dating partner, tell them if the situation hasn’t been resolved yet but to please not be bothered by any “shenanigans” from your ex. If someone shows up that you think will report back to him, decide if you want to call them out on it and show you’re displeasure or simply let it go and let any repercussions roll off your back.

What you’re feeling is frustration because it does not seem fair. It isn’t. Don’t be fooled that he regrets your break-up. He just has an unhealthy ego and you can be glad you are no longer involved.

Wishing you peace.

Tracey

[anything-advice-blog]

Submission - What can I do? Why does he do this?

*Time sensitive*

It’s ok if he moves on and is in a relationship but its not ok for me to do it?. I’m not saying I let him get involved in my life but my question is what can i do for him to stop/protect myself. (I actually don’t let him get involved. He finds out this info and I only tell a small amount of people, and then he has his “buddies” figure out who the guy I am seeing is).

He has been dating a girl for 2/3 years they also plan to get married. However when a man tries to enter my life or tries to date me he doesn’t like it and goes and messes it up. (By talking shit about me, by hitting or going up to a guy who shows interest in me)

If it also helps he has anger issues like very bad anger issues and in the past has hit my ex boyfriend. The reason why he hit my ex boyfriend was because he found out him and i were seeing each other, He went up to my ex and asked him “What’s between you and Tara” my boyfriend at that time replied “I love her” and he punched him for saying that, He also had my cousin spy on us. Also tried another time to beat up my boyfriend at that time by trying to take him somewhere far so he can beat him and my boyfriend got away.

I was also talking to his cousin once on facebook and we just had normal “Hey, How are you” conversations and I wake up one day and see that he has blocked me for no reason. I believe that reason was because of my ex.

I haven’t seen him in about 4 years? I recently just saw him this summer for the first time again. I’ve been off from social media for 4 years also. I’ve recently got onto social media and blocked him from everything and also blocked his number. He’s a family friend and he is much older than I am if that helps.

I also cannot get a restraining order, because this takes place in another country and it has different laws.

Advice please?

Okay first, 

Is he currently living near to you? Is he within travelling distance? If not, then try to keep him blocked and do not interact with him at all, if possible. It’s not the best solution but it’s all we can do with someone who’s mostly virtual on the internet. Since he is a family friend, it’s important to let your family know about what’s going on. It’s important to let them know that this is how he behaves and you don’t care what his reason is. Leaving you alone is the solution. It would’ve helped to bring your ex along after what happened as witness to the problem, but talk to a family member your trust and see what they can do to help. They can possibly help you figure out different ways to avoid him when you do see each other at events. 

If you see him, if he becomes violent towards you or anyone around you, contact the police. I believe in most countries there are charges for assault. So punching someone in the face is assault. If you know anyone that’s related to him that could possibly be spying on you, block them as well. Or confront them and tell them to keep out of your personal business. I know what I'm suggesting is very forward but in this situation you can’t afford to be a nice person. It’s not safe. Think of it as a typical mugging. If you’re out with a new partner and he shows up, when he starts to become violent, scream. If you’re out in public, making a scene will get people’s attention most of the time and it’ll prevent him from continuing. 

Your ex’s behaviour seems obsessive and controlling. Think back on why you guys broke up and see if that was a pattern when you were together. Even if you broke up, he could still be holding onto you for that sense of power he has over you. It doesn’t necessary mean he love you or anything, but it is controlling behaviour and there is help for that. I would also confront your ex if possible. Try to talk to him and figure out what he wants from you. Tell him to stay away from your business. Reiterate that you are over. You’re not his girlfriend or his wife and it is up to you what you decide to do with your life or whom you decide to love. Standing your ground is so important when you’re dealing with a controlling person. If you continue to be passive, it’ll enable him to continue this behaviour. 

Since you haven’t mentioned that the violence was a recurring behaviour, I assume it’s a one off. But if he is violent towards you or make threats about your safety, I would screenshot the conversation if you have it online as evidence. If there’s a chance you might see him, try to not travel alone. Contact the local police. Even if you can’t file for a restraining order, they can direct you to a place that can help. They can provide you the resources to be safe. 

Last but not least, let all your partners know about this as long as it’s an issue. They need to know so they can protect themselves. Most decent people don’t go out trying to pick fights with others. So if you let them know that this is an issue and you do decide to continue with the relationship, they can be prepared for when your ex does confront them and fight back or they can help you find a way to get out of his grasp. 

I hope this helps a little!

Always by your side,

Kelly

[tenten434]

This is long. Very long. Controlling ex story/rant thingy

By now you think id be over getting panic attacks when I see his name or when I see someone that looks like him. Or something reminds me of him. By now I thought id be over that. I went to the mall with my best friend and my boyfriend over the weekend. And as I was about to get food, I turned and I looked at a table behind us and froze. Because a guy who looked just like my ex was sitting there. And I began to shake. My stomach dropped. My teeth have this funny thing they do when I get nervous or begin to have an anxiety or panic attack. They go numb and they have like this low vibration to them. Its how I know im about to have some kind of attack. I felt my heart race and I kind of clutched my boyfriends shirt and my bestfriend kind of looked at me then looked where I looked. I looked at her and asked if she remembers what he looked like and if she would sit at the table and see if its him while I got food. My boyfriend is protective of me. He knows I have alot of anxiety issues and panic issues. He is slowly learning how to handle me. He stood behind me inline, sheltering me slightly. I peeked around him and the guy glanced at me and I nearly could have fell over with relief that it wasnt him. The dreams of him come and go and each time I wake up in either confusion or crying. Back in may he showed up at my house wanting to talk. So I talked with him. Figuring I should, seeing as of how I broke up with him, I owe him atleast that. Big mistake. Not only did it bring back my anxiety, it brought it back worse. And I was so close to being okay again. He thought id break up with my boyfriend for him, that we could work it out. That he did no wrong. October of last year, we started talking. (Holy shit a year ago….) and my first sign to stop it all should have been when he asked me to watch his stupid cat. Because he was moving out of his roomates and his mom didnt want the cat in her house. My gut told me to say no but I asked my roomate at the time and she was like sure. So I agreeded. Hed come over that night. (He lived three hours away) Well. At the time, above mentioned bestie, was going through some rough patches with her personal life. And her husband told her shed have to bring me home the next day. It was getting late. Couldn’t talk him into letting her bring me home. So I told him I couldn’t get the cat tonight but tomarrow and he blew up on me. Well. Slowly. He told me he could come get me. I told him no. Her husband and father in law didnt like people on the property at night. Didnt like people leaving during the night either. Plus her father in law likes me. Im like an adoptive daughter I was over so much. He sometimes liked to have coffee with me and the bestie before work and we said we would that morning. That should’ve been the sign to walk away. But no. He threw the biggest fit. Saying how he needed me and I need to be there for him. My bestie, who had and has my bestie since 2008 needed me. She came first. And I tried my best staying up to talk with him but I fell asleep. I woke up to twenty missed calls. Seven voice mails. And sixteen texts. All saying how he almost committed suicide and how everyone hates him and I felt horrible. But im pausing for a minute. He has a two year old daughter. I wanna say she was one last year. But im not to sure. You dont do that. You think of them. Hes a good dad. But god sometimes hes the biggest idiot. Unpause. We worked things out but he refused to meet my bestfriend. He tried so hard for me not to see her or hed blow up m phone while I was with her. Refused to talk to me when I mentioned her. I should have seen the signs but I thought it was love. I was wrong. Slowly over time he got more controlling. Freaked out when I didnt answer my phone. Wouldnt text me for days at end. Then tell me he didnt feel like talking. It was one of those days. But yoy dont do that. I never blew up or got mad at him. I was understanding. We almost got engaged. I was going to move in with him. And the thing that made me realize enough is enough. I was going to see my former roommates daughters dance line at school. She was six at the time. And she personally asked me to go. You cant tell a cute six year old no. So I went. Telling him I was going. He said that was fine. He asked if id be home later. Told him I wasnt sure. I might spend the night. He was like I kinda wanted to see you. Ive been kinda down. I was like ill see. What time would you be over if I can get home. He was like I’m not sure what time im getting off. I probably wont be able to make it. So I was like ok. Well the little girl asked me to stay the night. So I said yea. He told me I was never there for him. I was always busy. He didn’t like I spent so much time with friends. And he kept trying to get me to stop seeing them. He was controlling. So I ended it with a text. And that was world war three. Threating to ruin my life. Threating to come to my sisters house and wake them up. My brother in law does construction and they have a three year old. You dont mess with them. I dont have control of them. He accused me, multiple times, of cheating. The first time. I was with my guy bestfriend. At church. Because I like church and he plays in the band. He accused me of cheating being it took so long for service to be over. I should have not talked to him. I should have just stopped everything. But the first time he came over after the break up, I had my first bad panic attack. Teeth went numb. And I shook so bad. Different scenarios went through my mind. My sister was convinced he abused me. He didnt. He was just controlling. I should have known to give up when he refused to admit he did anything wrong. When I told him I was happy in my relationship, he got pissed. Told me he couldnt believe me. He hated my boyfriend. Couldnt befriends with me because he couldnt stand the thought of me being with anyone else. I held him so high on a god damn pedestal. That when it broke, it broke me down. I thought I wouldnt find someone for a long time. Thatd no body would want me. I broke up with my ex in February this year. In march I remet a friend I met four years before. We instantly connected. April first 2014 is our anniversary. And November 1st makes seven months for us. Which is my longest relationship. And yes. Me and him have been through ups and downs and god I question him so much. Yet he stays by me. He is my saving grace. He is truly a gift. And im so blessed for him because he keeps me sane. He is slowly starting to understand how to calm me down. He trys so hard to make sure im okay. And he came out of no where. He was so sudden. I wasnt prepared to find love. I wasnt prepared to find him. But I did. We did. And life has been good. I do have my days where nothing is right. But. It will be. Eventually. It. Gets. Better. Sorry for the long post but I needed this off my mind.

[diariesofaslut]

I wish you would get out of this part of my life. You take everything I have just because you know you can. You are mean and self absorbed and a liar. I think I am actually beginning to hate you.

[cecelia-listens]

My ex and i stayed friends, but for a while he kept acting like we were still together, like i was still his. Now, finally, he's moved on and likes this other girl, im happy for him and all. Only thing is, he is STILL trying to control my life, he's telling people not to ask me out and he expects me to still hang out with him and stuff even though he's trying to like this other girl. He says hes over me. I dont want to be mean and tell him to go away and completely throw him out of my life :\

Oh sweetheart, you can’t let him do that to you. It is notin any way going to be mean of you to tell him to stop what he’s doing. You have every right to tell him to quit controlling your life; he has no right to now, and he didn’t even when you were together. You make your own decisions as you are your own person. You don’t have to tell him to go away or throw him out of your life unless you want to, but you do need to tell him to stop trying to control you.

I think it’s wonderful you and your ex tried to be friends, but it seems to me he still feels like you are his when in fact you’re not. You’re a friend yes, but that’s the end of it. He can’t expect you to do anything past being a friend to him and you need to make that clear to him. You have your own life and he has his. 

I would advise talking to him in person and, while being very civil and calm about it, be firm with your words. He needs to know that he can’t in any way control you and the boundaries of your friendship. You can still be friends as long as you want to, but if he continues to try to control you, really think about if you want to still be friends with him. If you find that you don’t want to, I know it’s hard, but you really should do it. Do what is best for you even if it’s “mean” to him. 

Well my dear, this is all I can tell you. I hope this helps some! Stay strong sweetheart, and best of luck to you!

Love,

Cecelia<3