I Still Need You Mom. May Your Soul Be Happy.

[grievingmyangel]

People say it gets better with time. Well that’s not true. It doesn’t. You just get accustomed to the pain.

[grievingmyangel]

I miss you Mama. I need you.

[grievingmyangel]

I think about you everyday. It’s more than that.

My mind doesn’t stop thinking about you

At times it’s comforting. mainly devestating, often times fusterating. Then there’s the times full of guilt. Other times terror. Sometimes laughter when I reminisce but then quickly pain.

People don’t understand, no matter the conversation or the time of day, I am forcing back tears and painting a smile on my face. Because I can’t stop thinking about you.

[grievingmyangel]

It just seems like nobody understands how it feels to lose your Mother. Personally there was nothing in the world anyone could say to make anything better. This book however showed me that what I’m going is more normal than it feels. That “it will get better” is more complicated than it sounds but also might be true. One day. It lets you know what to expect. I hadn’t even thought about Mother’s Day yet because it’s December I mean this just happened. It gives you coping skills and tools. It even has a section that tells others how to support you.

So even though, nothing is going to take this pain away, this book was a healthy start. I couldn’t stop reading it. I took notes. I wrote in the pages. Maybe I’ll even share some.

I bought this book for $12 on Amazon. 

Book: Healing After The Loss Of Your Mother: A Grief & Comfort Manual by Elaine Mallon

[grievingmyangel]

Momma,

It’s truly crazy how things in life come back around. Like how much you loved dragon flies. You had one hanging in your car, one on your key chain, and even a tattoo of one on the back of your neck. You even gave me one for my keychain. Stupid me, I lost my keys like I always do. And now here I am, grasping. Grasping for anything that will make me feel closer to you. And then I found this poem perfectly named “Dragonfly Spirit”.

Dragonfly Spirt

“ I’ve come to seek you out today,

I feel your pain, you’ve lost your way.

I’ve never left, I live through you,

Our hearts entwined, our bond is true.

Nor time, nor space can take away,

The love we share will always stay.

Thank you for still loving me.

I’m everywhere and finally free.

It’s still your turn so take every chance,

To live with wonder, to sing and dance.

I won’t be far, my soul lives on,

With every sunset, and every dawn.

I’ll be your sign, just look for me,

I am still with you eternally.”

-Elle Bee

I love you Mom.

Poem by Elle Bee | Photo by Bea and Bloom Creative Design

[grievingmyangel]

My heart hurts. My body feels so uncontrollable when the negative energy starts taking over. I feel like a shaken soda can that can’t explode. I need help. My mom’s life ended and everyone else kept going. I just can’t keep up.

[grievingmyangel]

I remember my first night knowing you were gone. None of it made sense. Little did I know, a part of me had died with you that night.

[grievingmyangel]

Here I am again. I’m hurting. I don’t know what to say. I don’t know who to say it to. I’m completely alone. Even though you acted like you didn’t understand how I felt, I see now that you didn’t want to accept how I felt because you felt the same way. I’m so sorry for going through your belongings. I was hurting and yearning to know you. I invaded your privacy. How does one handle grieving? What do i do? This is hurting so bad and I’m unsure of what to do now without you.

[grievingmyangel]

How has it been 2 weeks since you’ve been gone already? It’s 7am. You were the last thought on my mind before bed and the first thought of mine this morning. My heart is still broken. I miss you Mom