Hello ? I know it’s late. I didn’t have anyone to call. I thought of you. I know I sound really stupid and obsessed right now, but let me explain myself before you hang up because you don’t want to hear my voice. I fucked up. I fucked up so badly and I’m realizing so many things tonight. I called you because I had this nightmare last night. I know you’re trying to understand what’s the link with you but listen to me. I dreamt I had the cancer, they told me I was going to die. I was so scared. I ran away from the clinic and, I don’t know why, I called you. I remember saying to myself that it was ok to call you because I was going to die, I thought you wouldn’t reject me if you knew it was your last chance to come back to me. I thought you wouldn’t have the choice. Funny, right ? My only thought when I knew I was going to die was to catch you one last time. That’s fucked up. I don’t know you very well and you don’t know me at all. I’m trying hard to understand why I can’t keep you away from my mind. I do, I’m trying. It seems like I erased you, right ? If I didn’t call you tonight, you’d still think I erased you, right ? We lived nothing together. I don’t even have some memories to hold on. We had nothing. I’m so obsessed with you, it scares me so much. I know I should not tell you those things because you’ll be even more scared that you were that night when I called you drunk to probably tell you I like you a lot, because since that night you became an asshole and you know that. I’m not calling you tonight to tell you how I feel about you. I’m calling you tonight because I realized I fucked up and I didn’t want anyone to hear what I’m trying to say, but you, for the only reason that I know, you don’t care. I need someone to listen to me, someone who doesn’t give a shit because you won’t try to contradict me. I did nothing right those nine past months. It’s been nine months now. I never stopped counting. I left him nine months ago. Every months, I scream it. I go out, it became a habit, a birthday party except I don’t make myself a cake. Maybe I should. I loved him so much, when we were together, sometimes we talked about how it was going to be when we were going to break up. I know… People often told me it was a creepy conversation to have in a couple, but we were realistic, we knew one day or another we’d kill our love because we were too young to feel it, to live it. He used to say that if I break up with him, and he always told me he knew I was going to do it, he would never want to see me again, and I always told him that if he would leave me, he’d never see me again. It was kind of a fantasy that became even bigger after we saw Gaspar Noé’s film, Love. Murphy never saw Electra again and he torture himself because he know he fucked up. I always knew he was going to fucked up everything in the same way Murphy did and that’s exactly what happened. I won’t talk about it again, what I’m trying to say, is that, I never did what I wanted to do. I never disappeared, I stood next to him. I had his back all the time after we broke up. I was here for him when the girl he went with when we were still together left him. I was here when his family was falling down. I was still here when he started a new relationship. I never left. I broke up but I was still here, hating him, missing him, loving him, ignoring him, trying hard to convince myself I was doing right when I wasn’t. Those past nine months I did stuffs I didn’t know I was able to. I’m hating myself right now. I’m so lost. I’m ignoring all my feelings. I stopped writing. I stopped everything. I stopped saying what I feel. I’m inventing my emotions when I have to talk about them. I feel so fake. I feel so used. I always thought destiny would take care of everything. I trusted in karma. I learnt to not panic because life was good, because there is a justice in everything. Listen to me, there’s no justice. Look at me, who am I ? I’m so scared right now. I feel like I’ve done nothing good. I feel like I’ve lost myself in a way I can’t even recognize myself. I know I’m saying crazy stuffs right now because I grew up a little bit, I’m stronger but I miss my innocence. I miss trusting people. I miss believing guys when they say they’re falling in love with me even if they’re drunk and I’ve just met them. I miss believing in love. I miss believing in anything. I became bad, I became scary. I laugh at boys like they used to laugh at me. I don’t answer to calls, I don’t answer to texts. I come home alone. I don’t search love, I’m waiting for it. I could talk to anyone at parties just to find it, but I know it’s fake. I feel like in a church waiting for god to appears. I know I’m saying all those things to you because you’re the last person I felt love for. You’re my last love at first sight. I miss it. I’m thinking about a lot, not about you, but love at first sight. Crazy shit, right ? I’ll never forget it. I saw you, next to this table, you looked at me and you smiled. I remember I told myself « I’m fucked up now ». I knew you were going to break my heart. I told you about all my life that night. We talked for hours. I know it’s useless to talk about it right now, it’s been a long time but I can’t forget how good I felt with you, you were a stranger to me but I felt like I knew you. You’re the last person I trusted. Then you left. I know it seems like I’m blaming you, I’m not. I’m the problem. Everybody moves on. Everybody get up every morning and moves on. I didn’t. I fucked up everything I had. I was starting from the start and I wrote a miserable book. I lived so many beautiful things those past nine months but I miss love. I miss loving someone. I miss being loved and I’m not even sure I really already lived that. I know I’m young and I know you’re going to say that I’m acting like a baby again. I didn’t even say what I wanted to say. I want to feel love. I want love. I really do. I feel like life tried hard to taught me a big lesson, learning to be alone, to stop being that needy shitty baby, to be independent, to wake up and to go to bed by myself, to decide of my life alone, to get my shit together and to think for myself. I feel like I learnt to do that but I became a heartless bitch who plays with every boy who talks to her. I didn’t have another love at first sight. I’m scared I won’t ever have one. It’s just a clic. You heard that « clic » when we met right ? I know you did. I hope you weren’t my last clic, but if you were, I hope I was your last to. I feel like I don’t feel like that with anyone because someone’s waiting for me. I’m searching that person. Don’t blame me for my call. I know I will laugh hard at my feelings for you few months from now, trust me. I won’t even find you attractive anymore. Maybe I should accept who I am instead of trying to change myself. I’m not that bad, am I ?
prpzivt (via prpzivt)
