grufflescump

you can’t unread it

[grufflescump]

piggy: “i have the conch. it’s my turn to whisper gently + mouth sounds.”

ralph: “sucks to your asmr!”

[grufflescump]

if you live in a cabin in the woods, the trees have to live nearby a maniac living within a construct of the flesh of their brethren. and there’s really nothing they can do about it. what are they gonna do, move?

[grufflescump]

i hope that somehow, in whatever afterlife might exist, that john kellogg just has to live with the fact that the only thing that i can think about while masturbating is the rooster from the kelloggs corn flakes box

[grufflescump]

underwear is the only article of clothing whose name references where it is in relation to other clothing

[grufflescump]

living in the sewer is not nearly as glamorous as teenage mutant ninja turtles would have you believe

[grufflescump]

i ain’t taking no vaccine full of chemicals. drugs are just chemicals too. i’m going to prevent covid naturally, by burying a cow skull in front of the door of my house, and isolating myself until a flower sprouts from the skull-plot. once that black flower blooms under the light of the full moon, bam, full immunity, with zero cents going to big pharma

[grufflescump]

the hot new trend for fall 2021 is golfcore! collared shirts! plaid pants! tasseled bonnets! ignoring your spouse! long walks with the boys! short pencils! trophies!

[grufflescump]

i love the fall but i’ll miss those summer days on the beach, reading a book, admiring the pretty sunbathers, eating handful after handful of soft, salty sand, skipping stones

[grufflescump]

to be honest i’m still miffed that warner bros rejected my pitch for “crucifudd,” a comedic reinterpretation of the gospels where christ (bugs) evades pilate (elmer fudd) with his trademark cartoon antics. apparently this was “wildly offensive” and “the product of a disturbed mind.”

[grufflescump]

i locked myself out of my bank account because i couldn’t remember my pin number at the atm machine, so i’m gonna have to iou you. ffs sakes

[grufflescump]

do i listen to pink floyd?? no, i’m colorblind?? love the white stripes and the black keys tho

[grufflescump]

art garfunkel’s full name is wherefore art thou garfunkel

[grufflescump]

atilla the hunn is short for atilla the hunnybunny

[grufflescump]

if you step on a crack you only break your mother’s back, if you smoke crack you break her heart, and the conditions of your parole

[grufflescump]

it’s obvious that kiki’s delivery service is set before the 60’s because the first talking cat wasn’t bred until 1961

[grufflescump]

i have as much authority as the president, i just have fewer people who believe it. nobody except levar burton, he’s always believed in me

[grufflescump]

i know the real reason why the angry beavers are angry but this truth is being suppressed by nickelodeon’s lawyers