i thought i was past writing empty text posts on tumblr, but you stopped talking to me two weeks ago and i can't seem to find a better outlet than this.
i'm always checking to see if you're checking in on me, and you're not anymore.... so i hope that means you're doing better. i fear you're doing worse but i know that if i reached out - i'd be making you worse.
you always said you'd have to delete me from your life if we ever broke up. you'd have to go somewhere new for awhile, or at the very least - pretend that i don't exist. but i do exist. and i don't want to leave. i don't want to leave our mutual place of work, i don't want to leave our mutual friends - but i feel so incredibly guilty for existing.
i finally slept with someone new the other day. without even think about it - i did a check in with myself as soon as he left. to my dismay, i still felt the gap in my chest where you used to reside. i wish i could've done these things while we were still together. i wish things could've been different.
but they never would've been. and it's half my fault too, i was petrified to be myself. there was just some sort of disconnect between your emotional triggers and mine. or maybe, too much of a connection.
it's not that i wasn't trying. i hope you know i never wanted to "give up" or that i ever stopped loving you. i just had poured all of myself out. your final straw was mine aswell. we were both at a point of tipping over and spilling out. i don't think either of us meant for it to get that bad, but i think we're both equally at fault.
there was just something that didn't mesh well between us. could it have been our mutual healed trauma? i think so. that's the only answer that makes sense to me anyway, which is why i harped on us taking time away from eachother to work on ourselves.
i wish you'd have understood. heard me. taken the time. all of your attempts at restablishing connection prematurely - scared me away. i couldn't be met with choosing your love or choosing myself. i need to choose me right now just as much as i believe you need to be choosing you.
i couldn't bare to hear just how in it you still were. i needed to be there for myself. heal some things. and then remeet the man i've loved all these years. but i don't think you understood that. you wanted all of it. i think that maybe letting go wasn't the hardest part for you - but rather you choosing yourself.
i hope that gets easier with time because you deserve the love you so effortlessly give to others. heal from those that have hurt you. be the bigger man. you deserve all the good things in the world - and i pray one day you believe that as much as i do. as much as everyone does. anyone who has ever truly seen your soul knows how golden it is.
it's killing me to not reach out and ask how you're doing. what your plans are, how you're feeling. but i know that's not my place anymore. i know i would now be hurting more than i'd be helping.
i feel helpless. after years of tending to your garden and forgetting to water my own, i'm not sure where all this extra care could even go. i'm doing my best to take care of myself, but there's still so much space where you once were. i miss you so everyday.
i see your things everywhere and it hurts. i pray one day you'll be okay enough to mend the gap and help me get all of your stuff out of this apartment. i could help you pack, i could help you move into your own place. i'm so proud of you for doing that. i really hope it makes you feel independent and strong. and unique. i already know you're going to have the coolest decorations and furniture. i laugh when i think about all the protein bars, chicken, and cosmic brownies that will glitter your pantry.
oh, if only things were different. but they aren't. and we will just have to live with that.
areudirty
blakekathryn
izzy806
prguitarman
