I think I’m jealous of gay men. Because even though I’m gender-fluid, most people still perceive/treat me as a woman. Which means I’m still faced with all the terrifying situations and prejudices facing women today. I’m so jealous that there is a group of men out there that gets to know what it’s like to love a man the way I want to, without the fear and predetermined roles that come with growing up a woman. Even the people who try to recognize me as masculine, they don’t see me as a man, and it shows in the small things. But I’m so sad that I will never be loved for my masculinity, I’ll never be someone’s husband truly, I’ll never be loved as a man. I’ll never get to fully resonate with that. It’ll never fully fit me. No matter how I feel in the moment, there will always be a part of me that doesn’t align, and that part keeps people from seeing me the way I see myself. I wish it didn’t change all the time, I wish it was one or the other so I could put my energy fully into being perceived one way or the other. When I’m only masculine, I feel empty. When I’m only feminine, I feel empty. When it’s both, I feel lost
