Today's another day of me being sad and crying to myself with no one even noticing because WHEN did they notice? When did they care? When will people care? Will they ever do? Things have been hard for me. As you can read through my very emotional post. I'm not going to make this very formal for I want to write everything that's in my head for the past weeks or months. I'm going to college soon, which is very scary, for me. I've never really tried going to school and having myself ride a jeepney or commute. My schools have been very near our house. Like, literally two to three (I'm not sure) blocks away. I can walk to it in less than five minutes. And now, there is a twist of fate. I passed my the exam for my dream school and it is located VERY far from where I live. Because of that, I need to ride the bus and also, live there, rent a room and be on my own (which is not really true because I'll be living with roommates, but still). What's the connection of my sadness and me going to college? Simple. Being away from my family. I love my family to death but, do I really? I've been so stressed lately. Thinking about stuff. When I was 14, I suffered depression. Because of people. Because of my family. They make me SO sad. Until now. I feel like I've been a burden. They keep ranting to me about how expensive it's gonna take just to pay for my education, dorm fees and everything. I don't want to sound selfish but I've been feeling like they're only thinking about money and not my future. They keep telling me that it's so expensive and that they're going to be working their asses off just to earn money for me. I know that. But why do I feel like this? They make me feel so worthless in so many ways. When will they stop putting the blame on me? Like it's my fault that we don't have money anymore? I mean, they buy so many expensive things. But when it comes to me, they buy the cheapest things. They make everything cheap for me. I never asked my parents for anything in my entire life. The things that I have right now, the things that I want, they're all from my grandmother. I never aksed for things aside from my daily needs and this iPod that I've been longing for since I was in fifth grade. I attended public school since I was in kindergarten (which was not a big problem because we didn't even have tuition fees). Today, I asked my mom for a bag that I'll be needing for college and she told me that instead of buying a new one, I'll just use an old one which was given to me by my grandmother. It's okay for me really. But her, shouting at me, shouting that we don't have enough budget for that, being mad at me for asking for that, wasn't very necessary. I mean, it came out of her in a very hurtful way. Like, she's pointing out how worthless I am to this family. All I want is them to care and be there for me. Not pressuring me on transferring to the campus around my city (which is very stressful because I need to have a VERY high grade. Hello, that's UP? UP!!!). They make it sound so easy for me. Like I just study once, and there, I have a high ass grade. I don't know how to explain all of this right now. I sound like a selfish ass bitch. But this is how I feel. And all I feel is sadness in me. Looking back, I've always wanted this opportunity to help my family. So my parents wouldn't be fighting over money and such. But now, I feel like doing this for myself more. I'm the only one there for myself and I want to make myself happy. I'll study for myself first, not for others. Once I get a nice job, I'll move out. I don't want to be a burden anymore. If they don't want to pay for my education, then I think they should not get me to college. Instead of doing this and putting the blame on me. I don't really care, honestly. I could go there, and be on my own, and work. I'm so tired. I've been so hurt emotionally and physically. No one would want to be me. I'm always sad. Lame and awkward. Not a good description for an almost seventeen year old. I just wish they showed me how supportive they'll be for me. I don't care about material things. I need love from my family. The thing that I don't really get and probably never will. I don't usually ask for people to be there for me, but I need my family. I guess I'll just go with the flow and wait for things to happen. Maybe, one day, they'd tell me how proud they are of me and how much they love me that they'd sacrifice things for me. I wish I hear those kinds of things. But now, I'm on my own and I'll try to make myself happy. I'll just accept all the hurtful things they say because, yes, they're the ones who'll be paying for my college. I need to be content with that. This is shitty writing but I'm so emotional right now and I felt the need to blurt everything out. I feel so relieved saying these things out to random people on the internet. Hello and welcome to my boring ass, problematic life.
stormborns
discoholicmusic
pixelskylines
dailybridgerton
germansingergirl
2087
kianamaiart
jacobvanloon
janainaart
